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Candlelight, there's just one point you mention that made me look over the top of my spectacles at you, virtually speaking.

It's this worry about feeling awful because daytime visitors might think mother is fine, whereas if they witnessed what she was like overnight they would have a better understanding of why she needs the support of full-time care.

It would be nice to know that you have friends' and family's approval, of course. But the sooner you ditch that as a factor in decision-making, the better. You are the one with all the information. You are the one having to make the right decision for your mother. What other people think about it is just going to have to be up to them, and if they wish to express an opinion they must first get to know exactly what they're talking about.
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It is not just when she is ready but also when you are ready & it sounds like you're there now - remember if you wait too long then she will have a harder time adjusting - my mom still could participate in group activities in the NH - this got her in the habit of going to activities [she averages about 10 a week now] so it is part of her routine now even in severe dementia - I am glad that I did it when I did because we are all better off now especially mom

By my math you are probably in your 60's so there is a good chance you have so health issues too so make sure you are staying on top of your own issues
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Just want to second that idea of getting their name on the admissions list now. The better facilities can have long waits. We had to wait 5 months for Dad's placement. It was a verydifficult five months.
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Your question takes me back to a tough time in caring for my mother. You reach those moments many times but I'd say you have reached that pivotal moment. I would start looking around for what is the best place available so you will at least feel comfortable with where she will receive care. Good luck to you.
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Good morning everyone...gee, it seems like the above stories are exactly like my situation. I am 72, my husband's caregiver. He is 84 also with Dimentia and what they call Parkinsonism...I guess the full blown will arrive sooner than later..I recently had surgery and am not permitted to lift and of course my hubby is dead weight. I feel it is time to place my husband in a facility and I found out that I can apply for Medicaid; we do not have long term care. He is a Veteran and also found out they have foster care but they take his whole pension and part of social security which would put me out on the street...so I need to speak to a Medicaid specialist to find out all the information. When placing your loved one you also need to speak to an Ombudsman for your State; very important to find out which facilities have the best ratings...recently my husband went to a local facility while I was having surgery and found out that he was abused by an aide...so you must check out the facilities carefully and find out if they have security cameras to check on their family member...check out their ratings on line...if you have the monetary means to keep your loved one home and hire a full time aide, that is always a better choice but that not always works out either...we all are struggling to maintain our lives. You also have to find out if that facility just keeps medicating the patient to keep them "quiet"....they do that, you know....that is why if I do place my husband I want to find out if I can put in a nanny cam because I trust no one after what I saw an aide did to him...and they lie about it too. Then I found out about Pallative care at home and I told them the same thing...you are not coming into my home to "medicate" my husband so he becomes a zombie...so this whole ordeal is a catch 22...if you have funds, great...if you cannot afford full time care, you need to do your homework and find a loving facility that actually cares for their patients the same way you would care for them at home and not just leave them lay there in poop and pee; now you know why nursing homes smell when you walk in the door...so this is another dilemma ...finding the right place and to see if Medicaid will cover the expense. You can also speak to a social worker and they can direct you to the right people to speak to...
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My 89yr old mom has advanced Parkinson's disease and early dementia. She had lived with me from Feb. 2013 - Oct. 2016 (3yrs 8mons). I had to place her in a memory care facility for my health. I became withdrawn, depressed, overweight, high blood pressure to name a few. I totally agree, if you are questioning when it is time, the answer is now. It took me a good 6mons to stop feeling guilty for moving her, but I am 60, divorced after 31yrs of marriage and MUST think of ME at this stage. My mom is 4 miles from me. We all do our best for the ones we love, but.... when it takes a toll on us mentally, physically and socially then changes must be made.
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"She has Parkinsons and early stage dementia. But right now I'm beyond burnout. I'm exhausted and angry and feel like screaming all the time."

I think you answered your own question. It's time!
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If you have a Senior Housing Specialist in your area, get in touch with one. There is no cost to you, and they will help you search until you find the place that is best suited for your Mom. I contacted a Senior Housing Specialist and she helped me through so much! My Mom and Dad are now in an Adult Family Home that they love, and is only 3 miles from me.
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Great and useful advice here...as always. Once your loved one is settled into her new community...and this may take time...you will be so happy having time to nurture and take care of you. Yes, it's time. I placed my mom a little over six months ago...moved her 400 miles to live where I live. Best decision for both of us. I could never be her full time caregiver. Now I visit every day, bring my grandchildren or a friend at times, and even though she is not the happiest cheerleader on the block, I know this is the best arrangement for both of us.
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I too wish to add that your mom will probably thrive in AL. they will feel a community of sorts and also be involved and looked after so you can be a daughter. Not that you will be on easy street after her moving as things pop up that you will be involved in but it will ease the strain and stress. Your mom may go through an adjustment period at first so don’t despair if she isn’t happy in the beginning. That’s can be a normal phase. But yes...indeed it’s time. Best to you and let us know how it goes.
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Johnjoe, thanks for your kind words. I am in the process of researching facilities to find a suitable one. Thanks you all for your support and understanding.
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Bubblespop, you have explained my situation exactly. My mom woke me at 1:00 am this morning insisting on taking a bath, and I just woke and found her hanging off the bed and the bed in total disarray and it's very hard for me to lift her as she could not get back on the bed herself. Like you, she is managable during the day but between 8pm and 8am its impossible. That makes the decision to move them to a facility very difficult as there is not a lot of support for the decision to place them in a facility because when family and friends come to visit, they seem ok but its during the night that everything goes awry.
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Candlelight now is the time. Your Mom is over 90 years hence You must be 60 + years Yourself. You have been Caring for Your Mom
for years now, and with Parkinson's plus a stroke and dementia just starting it is now time to have Your Mom Cared for by a Team of Experts in a Full time Care Facility where Your Mom will receive the best of Care round the clock Who will be able to monoter Your
Moms condition 24/7. After all You are now approaching Your golden years and You kneed lots of rest and sleep and peace. You
are a wonderful Daughter to have Cared for Your Mom all these years, but You can not do it all on Your own. It's time. Remember Candlelight to keep Logging in to this wonderful Site because every Person Here Cares, and so many are on a similar journey. I wish You and Your beautiful Mom great peace.
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I know exactly what you are feeling. My 93 year old mother lived with e for almost two years. I became resentful for all the work. She did nothing for herself and I felt so overworked (I am 70 years old) and could not handle it either. It is time when you feel like this. Trust me it will not get better only worse. Both of you will be happier. My mother is very happier living in her new "home". I am too. good luck
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I researched information for my dad because he asked about Assisted Living because at this time mom could walk, feed herself. But, Dad said he wasn't ready; So I put the information in a drawer and told him when the time comes I had this, 3 months later it was time. My dad as the main caregiver crying because he was Emotionally and Physically exhausted and felt so guilty for feeling this way. But the time had come and he knew it, After mom had to lay in the floor to sleep because dad could not pick her up, He knew then it was time. No way was this an easy decision, very hard but after took her to hospital because of the fall and she was evaluated on mental ward at a very good hospital; They confirmed what we already knew in our heart.
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I am finding it so hard to decide if it is time for my partner to go into care because most of the day I seem to manage as he just sits watching the television all day and calls me wherever I leave the room but late afternoon and early morning are so hard to cope as he completely changes into a frightened distressed and worried person who does not remember where the toilet or other rooms are in the bungalow. I think it is very hard to know when its time for more care
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Candlelight,
It's smart to allow yourself enough time to look around, do your research and not have to do it when there is a crisis. It's very stressful, if there is a crisis and you have to rush.

Ref. Memory Care. I suppose that it depends on the state, but, in my state, Memory Care is paid for by a state program that is similar to Medicaid, called Special Assistance. They also pay for refular AL in cases where the doctor says it is necessary. This is for people who need help with meals, medication, bathing, dressing, etc. and they meet the financial requirements, of course. I've heard that some states do not have programs that pay for this and that in their state, Medicaid only covers nursing homes. I have read that dementia patients are accepted in nursing homes, but, I can't imagine how that would work for my LO, since she didn't need skilled nursing care, plus, she was quite mobile scooting around in her wheelchair. (She did need all other total care though and was double incontinent.)

I think that in most states, there will need to be an assessment done to determine what level of care that she needs. My LO did well in a regular AL at first, but, soon progressed rapidly and I had to transfer her to a Secure Memory Care unit, by doctor's orders. I'd ask a lot of questions at the regular AL's and observe just how much one on one care they can provide, because, I learned that they could assist, support and remind the resident, but, they were not equipped or trained to really provide the constant and direct supervision that a person with dementia requires. In regular AL, the staff seemed baffled by some of my LO's behavior, confused, frustrated and pretty useless in some cases, but, the Memory Care staff knew what they were seeing. They didn't throw their hands up if she resisted care, but, worked with her and showed her patience. She seemed to be much more comfortable there too, as it seemed she sensed they were able to take care of her.

I'd discuss it with some of the professionals and see what might be the best fir for her.
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Thank you all for the wonderful support and advice. I have started the process of researching facilities to see which one is best. She is already on Medicaid and has long term care so that will certainly take care of the costs. Let me also add that she had a stroke earlier this year and lost most of her memory, especially her recent memories. Freqflyer, you mentioned assisted living but from my understanding of ALFs, I'm not sure this is suitable for her. She needs someone to fully manager her schedule, prepare her meals, tell her when its time to eat, take her to the bathroom from time to time, etc. You also mentioned Memory Care, but I don't know what this is. If you or anyone else could please explain, I would appreciate it. And thanks again for all the help.
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It's time!
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Candlelight, one can be overwhelmed just doing the logistics and not being hands-on... I know I had crashed and burned twice from the stress.

Since you are already feeling the effects of burnout, wanting to scream is major, it's not going to change unless there are changes made toward the care of your Mom. Almost 40% of caregivers pass away leaving behind the love one they were caring. So ask yourself, do you want to risk those terrible odds by hanging in there caring for your Mom.

Since your Mom's dementia is just starting, now would be the right time to move Mom into an Assisted Living orMemory Care, if that is within the budget, or to a nursing home if Mom needs Medicaid to help pay for her care. This way, she would still be able to learn the layout of the facility, learn the Staff, and still be able to make new friends :)

I was lucky, my Dad (90+) told me it was time for him to move to senior living, and he was happy as a clam living there, being around people closer to his own generation... as he would say "more new ears to hear his stories".

Let us know what you decide.
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Others have answered well as to how to know when it is time.

I'm going to second the point of visiting facilities and am going to add that even if you aren't certain, get your Mom's name on the waiting list. We didn't do that because Mom didn't want to move at that time (she was still competent) and we were trying to respect her wishes. However this last summer her forgetfulness changed into dementia quite quickly and now we are having to wait for an opening in the AL of our choice.

If there is an opening, and you aren't ready yet, you can just pass and they will keep your name on the list. And then there is a much better chance that you will be able to get in where you want to when the time is right.

I also want to repeat what my brother told Mom about why she needed AL. He said the goal was to keep her safe and happy. But that the goal was also to keep all her children safe and happy. And if you are angry and feeling like screaming all the time you are not safe (the stress hurts your health) or happy. Your needs are as important as your mom's, and you need to honor them.
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Gladimhere is right. Have faith in yourself to know when it’s time to place her. Your description of your emotions and mood indicates the time has come. It’s not that your situation is any less taxing on you than each of our’s. It’s just different.

A physical disability like PD coupled with dementia is a double whammy. My husband is bed ridden and dementia runs in his family. I dread the day when I start to see signs in him.

This process will not be easy. Start now to research facilities around you, both on the Internet, where you will find ratings, and narrow the list down to visit some in person. If you can have an honest conversation with Mom, do so. If not, there is a lot of good advice here on how to prepare for the transition from home care to care in a facility.

And, come back whenever you need to. We are open 24/7!
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Candlelight, welcome. My answer to when do you know it is time? When you start asking yourself "when is it time?"

You have done plenty, you have done your time. Ask yourself if your mom would have wanted to burden you in this way. Most of us would hear "no" from our folks. They would want us to live our lives. And that is ok to say you cannot do it anymore. We all reach the point where the caring is too much and taking too much from and out of us.
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