I am thinking of placing my mother in a facility, but how do you know when it's time?

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I just joined this forum and this is my first post. I'm extremely thankful for this forum because it has helped me maintain my sanity through my years of caregiving for my mother who is over 90 years old. She has Parkinsons and early stage dementia. But right now I'm beyond burnout. I'm exhausted and angry and feel like screaming all the time. I know my situation is not as challenging as others, so when I read their posts it gives me strength to know that others are coping with situations that are more difficult than mine. I am thinking of placing my mother in a facility, but how do you know when it's time?

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About visiting - keep it irregular - visit 1 week 4 times next 2 next 3 - mix it up am/afternoon/pm - so they can't count on when you go - that means the resident is always ready - I'm going on sun this week as I rarely go then & that means she will be ready for several weeks after because of it

You can only do so much & at some time you know in your heart of hearts that the time is nearing or here - listen to that whisper - you can't help them if you are in your own grave!
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Candlelight: You may, quite likely, drop over and faint if you don't house your mother in a facility.
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Mally,
I wonder the same thing. Once they know the person doesn’t have family visitors, then the less they do. Even the supposedly good ones are there for functioning people. They get to do everything planned because they know to show up and sign themselves up if it’s an outing. It’s a resort for them.

I don’t even know why those functioning people are in A/L’s? I guess it’s because they have the money to be there for 3 squares a day and weekly cleaning and clothes washing.

I had to take my husband out of two of them because they either didn’t give him pills on time, or didn’t keep him safe when he began to fall. I brought home a bruised and bloody person from the last one.

Then I got in-home care and they come with phones attached to their ears or hands. Never without a phone. They don’t talk with him or do anything that is like being a companion. They clean up after him, take him to places I ask them to do, but since he’s a falling hazard, which gets saved first from a fall? The phone or the patient?

I prefer in-home care because they help me clean up the house. Taking care of the patient...hmmm, minimum but he does get fed.
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I agree about the AL facilities.... I show up once or twice a week as companion/friend to a lady in the local AL. She tells me they no longer assist her with much; not dressing, not staying in the next room while she showers, not checking with her to see if she is coming to functions (she had macular and can't read the flyers and some forgetfulness). The aides don't seem willing to help her with stuff, so now she doesn't ask them, asks me, or does without. What do people pay for in "Assisted" Living places?
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as someone noted above, my mom is doing MUCH better now that she is in AL. Her friends from federally-subsidized independent living are envious of her new situation -- they can't afford the lovely community in which she lives. They'll have to go to a Medicaid-funded facility when they have to move. Mom was smart enough to buy a long-term care policy when she was 62. She's now 87. It only covers 3 yrs, however.

I'd also like to echo the comment that a choice for hospice is NOT a death sentence. She will receive good care there. And I also agree with the advice to keep a close eye on your loved one even in a good AL community. My mom does not get meds quite when she is supposed to, but it hasn't become a problem yet. And the staff does not always respond quickly to calls from her "I need help" button. The community has trouble hanging on to staff, so they are currently understaffed. Elder care requires constant alertness. I live quite a ways away (an 11 hour drive) and my siblings stop by rarely.
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My Mom made the comment to 'go see what you can find, this (living alone without care overnight) is not a good idea anymore.' I asked her to simply think of how the family would feel if she fell and refused to consider moving, leaving me to feel guilty for not making her act on her own- or the fall would likely result in a broken hip, leg etc. and the pain could not be remedied with surgery but Morphine.' She made it her decision, and it's hard no matter what we do for them. It's a life journey that we just have to find the wisdom to consider our lives without them- if we have allowed anything besides their care to focus on in life! She would never want you to forfeit yourself. Maybe she will note how much happier and healthier you are, and be proud. Come and tell us how you are often.
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I agree with gladimhere. Once you start thinking about placing your LO in a home, then it's time. But, you might want to consider assisted living as a viable option if you think that Mom could possibly live alone with the help of some nursing aid, which, of course, is always extra. But, at least, that would give Mom some "say" to be independent. Depends on Mom. You know her best. You're not alone in this. Visit this site often. I have gleamed so much off of it and it just helps to know you are not alone.
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Hi Candlelight, my mom has had dementia for years and just last year her doctor suggested that I look into a memory care unit. When it got to the time where I was totally stressed out & worried about my mom living alone. She wasn't taking care of her cats any longer, started wandering over to the neighbors' houses, etc. I knew it was time.

In NY State, there are very few "beds" for Medicaid patients. My mom is not on Medicaid and has to "self pay" for at least a year before we can apply for Medicaid. I would suggest that you start looking now. I wish you the best of luck, and please keep us posted!
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Cavila, choosing hospice is not a death sentence, some graduate from hospice. It is allowing your mom the care needed to keep her comfortable. Does she have a DNR in place? She is on a feeding tube? Would she want that? I know I wouldn't and my mom didn't either. No extraordinary means to keep my mom alive, that was what she wanted. My mom passed on hospice, she had been for eight months. It was past time, she never would have wanted to live the life that Alzheimer's stole from her.
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I have been following this site for quite sometime now, and I find it so helpful because I was my mom's sole caregiver for many years until about 3 months that she had a bad fall, was hospitalized and finally I made the decision to place her in long term care at a nursing home, she suffers from Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease, she no longer walks, speaks or eats by mouth. I am now in a very hard situation because my mom has been hospitalized 3 times since then, once to get a feeding tube, and twice with neumonia and C diff infrction. This last time she was intubated and spent 4 days in ICU, her Dr from the NH has advised me it is time to consider hospice because of how weak her body is after suffering from string bouts of neumonia and the c diff, and her lungs just not responding to meds as they should. I am so scared this is her end, and I am not sure if I should just keep her from going into hospice a little longer. I feel I am giving my mom a death sentence and just giving up on her. What should I do?
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