There are days that I just want all of this to go away, then I feel guilty that I feel this way. Anyone else ever feel this way?

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My 87 year old mother is currently in a nursing facility. This all started due to a severe case of spinal stenosis. She also suffers from anxiety and depression. She was hospitalized numerous times, went to 4 different rehabs and ultimately had surgery. This has all been going on for 5 months. Coincidently, this also coincided with my retirement (I am 60 years old). I have 5 siblings however I am the one who is handling her financial affairs and I am the one who is the primary contact for doctors, caseworkers, etc. Lately, I have found myself feeling very resentful of the situation I am in. I retired so that I could relax and enjoy myself however my retirement has been anything but relaxing. My siblings are good in the sense that they visit my mother however I am the one who must now deal with getting her affairs in order while at the same time still dealing with doctors, caseworkers, etc. with any issues that may arise concerning her. I feel like I am "on call" as numerous times I would be driving and would get a call from a professional regarding my mother. I have had no respite from this situation. I try to take care of myself by eating right and exercising however am finding that even that is not enough. We have all tried to help my mother yet along the way she has refused to help herself (refused to take anti-anxiety meds, refused to leave the house and socialize, etc.). Though I feel bad that she must spend her remaining days in a nursing facility, I honestly believe that she brought a lot of this on herself. We have done all we can for her. This has overshadowed even happy times that have occurred in the last 5 months (my son got married out of state in September and I did nothing but worry about my mother back home). I have not slept well in months and my primary care physician prescribed medication which I am hesitant to take. There are days that I just want all of this to go away then I feel guilty that I feel this way. Anyone else ever feel this way? If so, how do you move on? I am seriously considering talking to a psychologist about my feelings as this has affected all areas of my life and that of my husband's as he also retired in June and has obviously been affected by this situation with my mother. Thank you in advance.


If You just read all the posts on here under caregiver burn out, you will see you are not alone! I think we all feel that way at one time or another! We all get so tired out and I know even when I'm not with my mom somehow I am always thinking about her. That drives me crazy. You are not alone here!
Anyone NOT feel this way sometimes? I think it might be a much shorter thread!

Hugs to you, and by all means speak to a therapist - or a counsellor, or just come here and vent. I think we've all found huge consolation simply from sharing our feelings with people who've been there.

Incidentally: you feel as though you're on call 24/7 because you are. You're never quite "off duty", not even when you know that your loved one is in safe hands and you're supposed to be getting down time. I don't have the answer, just hoping again that it might help to know that you are normal :)
It's an awful situation. I am 50 and work 6-7 days a week. My parents crashed and burned in their early 70s due to depression, drinking, bad marriage, etc. Now, not even 80, dad is in a facility due to dementia onset and mom lives alone down the street from me. She is holed up in the house, nasty nasty attitude, and beginning to rely on me. She's only 75 and likely to live another 10-20 years. I'm an only child. My parents have lived in our city for over 40 years but have no friends. Their problems have now become my problems and I was already overloaded with responsibilities. The assumption I guess is that my next 10 or 20 years will be burdened with their bull-shyte. I am so ready to just up and move away or take off and disappear...
I feel it that every second of every day. You are so lucky your mom is in a nursing facility. I'm not as lucky. Picture everything you are doing AND doing everything the nursing facility is. Multiply that by 3. Mom, dad and grandma for me. That's where I am. So it can be much worse than where you are. Doesn't that make you feel better? ;)

My back hurts.
Dear itstimeforme,

Sending you love and hugs. I know its hard. Like the others have said you are not alone in your feelings. I know everything is easier said than done, but don't feel guilty. You have to take care of yourself as well. Talk to the therapist or counsellor, join a support group, do whatever is needed for yourself.
Some may resent what I'm going to say, but. Your were born with the stuff it takes to care for another person(s). It is an unusual gift. One not easily recognized, not often applauded, but of the utmost importance. The ability to fight for another's life and your own at the same time is no less than super hero stuff. Although I don't have the wisdom to share to the degree that most have on this forum, Ido recognize when I am in the presence of rarity and greatness. What does this do for exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed? Only you can answer that, hopefully it will incite you with the desire to carry on. Those tears are healthy. Needing to rest is normal. Husbands and wives are still no. 1 on the list and insanity and heart attacks are not an option. May God bless you all and increase you in every way deemed necessary. Remember, you are loved. You do matter. You will get through this and you've got what it takes; even if you must get assistance. From one who thought they were drowning in despair, I've got my stroke back, with the help of the almighty and witnessing that a HERO is more than a sandwhich. Recognize. 
(((((itstime))))). It can go in a long time. You need to build in some "me" time. I am 80, my mother is 106 and in an NH. She has vascular dementia last stage but no comorbidities - meaning her heart , lungs, liver, kidneys etc. are fine. I suspect I will be caregiving for a while yet. I live at a distance (mother's choice to be where she is). Yes, there are continual demands even if you are not a hands on caregiver. I have moved her 5 times in 8 years as she was not happy where she was. I had my first physical exam in 6 years this summer. Thankfully everything was about the same and fine. I do work at looking after myself and have mini holidays with sig other, I get my hair done, have manis and pedis, have an gentle exercise routine and walk when I can (I have CFS/FM), eat sensibly, and try to get good sleep and manage stress. When I attend case meetings, I also book time for a dinner theatre or some other treat. I retired at 73 because the stress of caregiving as her dementia was setting in, and working was too much. I worked that long as I needed to maximize my pension, Mother has lifelong mental illness as well as dementia so I have been looking after some things for a long time. 

Do I want it all to go away. Yes, of course and not just for me. Mother does not have much quality of life left and she is ready to go. but it is what it is.

If today isn't good enough. make some changes.
Yup, I feel this way often. I'm 60, mother 94, stage 6-7 Alzheimer's.
Today we went to visit. They had a party at the memory care facility. She didn't like the presents-a hat and gloves. Hubby wanted to put them on her-she started screaming. I asked him to stop, no, let's just try them on, more screaming. I'm getting jittery. Mother launches into the "headache" routine. "I'm sorry ", I say. Then hubby notices that her glasses are broken and she's missing a lens. I'm getting madder. "How did that happen?" "I don't know". They find the lens and hubs tapes it up. Hopefully I can find her other pair at home.
She complains about people stealing her things and hitting her.
I get up to readjust her glasses and my purse slips off my shoulder and taps her on the nose. She pretends to faint. Yeah, she won't respond for 15 seconds. She's fine- just an actress. I'm at the end of my rope and walk out before I loose it.
I ask hubs about her in the car and he said, "She "woke up" and asked if I was gone.
What a visit. I give up.

We can be thankful that they don't live with us-been there, couldn't do that. I think mom and I both want it over.

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