Therapy lesson today: The grieving process has started.
I learned quite a but today during my therapy session. Expecting that my grieving process would start AFTER daddy is gone, it appears that some of my challenges over the weekend may be related to starting it now.
It's interesting to even consider that I would grieve over a man that I struggle with even LIKING considering our history but having taken care of him (or cleaning up his messes) since I was six years old, the feelings of loss appear to be inevitable.
So, as I start to wrap my head around the facts that 1) He has a lung tumor that the doctors can really do nothing about and 2) He is dying (though a reality for ANY 85-year-old) 3) He's REALLY sick and 4) I face this battle alone (my family is worthless) I am at a crossroads.
The biggest question is: To tell or not to tell. Strangely enough, Dad was pretty religious. I personally can't stand the judgemental group of people ("holy rollers") he shared a pew with on Sunday mornings, but should I tell them "how to pray"? None of them have reached out to him, and his 85th birthday party was sans church folks, but should I???
The comforting news is that I have acknowledged and accepted that I am very angry at him but am making the choice to table that anger until after the end and continue to take care of him to the best of my ability (and leave my family out of it)
So, is it "mean" to simply invite the family to whatever service does happen, whenever it does happen when the time comes? They only seem to want to ridicule me and I'm too emotionally fragile for that now....