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All of their family in Utah say they'll help...

Well, then, that's wonderful! Off to Utah they go, your MIL and FIL, where their loving family will gladly care for them; and your husband keeps his fab job in Alaska. What's the problem?
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Maren88: Don't know how this works in your family.....but for me, the day after Chritmas is the perfect opportunity to reflect on how unrealistic and self-centered most of my extended family is -- including in-laws. Some of them mean well, some don't. And they all choose their ready-made perceptions over the truth. If the net result is making work for other people and invalidating their feeelings, so be it. They don't listen with the intent of understanding. If any of this sounds familiar, you know what to do. (Or I guess I should say, what not to do!) Hang in there and be strong.
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All great comments and advice ... I can only add that even when family is all in the same town, the elderly still aren't totally happy! They slowly lose control as they face their own mortality. Some are confident in where they are headed after they die, while others may not be, and this adds to the stress of aging. Depending on their mental state (aka dementia) eventually they won't know where they are, want to "go home", and most likely won't recognize you at some point, even though you are their FT caregiver! My hubby and I have been at this for 12+ years, caring for his folks (Dad died in 2010 and Mom is nearing the end), so take care of YOU and your hubby, please!!!! An empty vessel can not serve!
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maren88, If you are happy in AK, you should stay there. I know parents when they age want to move "back where family is" but like the other commenters, tell them you'll help them get back there by making arrangements for them but you're staying in AK where you and hubby are happy. You have to live your life just like they lived theirs. Now, if Utah is where they need to be, tell them to go but it's no longer an option for the two of you. You'll come visit but not moving there. And it's not just a decision for your hubby (her son) to make either. I'm sure he'll try to adapt wherever he's at just to be close to his parents but once he married, he needs to put your needs first and his mother knows that. She's just trying to manipulate him into doing what she wants but not giving a care in the world whether the son wants it or not. Don't let her do that. Just tell them you'll help with any arrangements with their move and let it go at that. You'll see them at the next family gathering. Sometimes, mothers try to pit their sons against the wife to see if he will choose mom's wishes over his wife but don't let them win this one. Stay put until YOU and HIM are ready to make the move for your own reasons. Good luck.
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Maren88, 1) when you're feeling guilty, please remember YOU are not keeping your inlaws in Alaska--THEY are refusing all the help you are offering to relocate them! 2) Propose it as a two-stage process, stage one being their relocation into the home of the relatives who are so eager to have them back, with you to follow at some nebulous future time when you have tied up loose ends. If this seems underhanded or dishonest, understand that the inlaws are not playing fair themselves, using complaints and guilt to wear you down. 3) Consider counseling for yourself to help you keep your perspective. 4) Take to heart all the supportive messages already posted here! They know what they are talking about.
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Since your mom is so certain she wants to move back...and all the relatives think this is a good plan. Get those relatives on the phone. Tell them mom is coming to live with them, and hand the phone to mom before they can hang up.

If nothing else....it will shut up those relatives.

I think you need to explain to your mom that you need to make decision for your future. That destroying your future for hers is not something that any parent would ask of their own children. Basically...put this back on her. Make it clear it isn't going to happen unless some other relative makes it happen....and make it clear that her demand is way, way past selfish.
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Maren88, I moved my mom from Nevada to Arizona on Jan 5, 2016 with no help all our family is in California. They all wanted me to move to back to California but only one person offered to help me care for her. But I don't have help there for sure. California is twice as expensive to live then Arizona so that would be foolish for me to pick up and move. I now have a support team here. I think getting everyone else involved in there care is essential. It takes a village not just you and your husband. I pray for the best outcome.
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Sending lots of empathy and hugs. This is not easy.

Am carer for two and many days I wonder if I have a future....and when it starts????

But here is a tip I learned with my mom...when she asks for "the impossible," I ask her if she would like me to look into it.

She say "yes" and I say, "OK."

End of discussion. Done and done.

I'm still looking into it, BTW.

I
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Thanks everyone for your input. I'm always positive that this is what is right but there are days where I can just tell she's miserable and cries to us and tells us she wants to go back. That frustrates me as we're trying to make it more comfortable for her but to no avail.

We are Pacific Islanders and in our culture we are supposed to do everything for our parents/elders. It's what is expected of us. Whatever they want, no matter how foolish it may sound, we are supposed to do it. I have aunts and uncles who have done things just to make their parents happy in the end and I see how much they struggle after and I don't want that. I know this sounds like a no-brainer [trust me, I've gone through this a gazillion times] but sometimes I feel guilty about keeping them here when I see them so unhappy.

I just needed some fresh set of eyes on the situation to make sure we're not being unfair in looking out for our future. Thanks all!
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To me this is a no-brainer. I don't even see why anyone is agonizing over it. You like it where you are and want to stay there. Stay there! MIL wants to be somewhere else. Try to help her arrange that, if it is feasible.

Maybe, possibly, it would make some sense for you to sacrifice a part of your future IF it would gain something for MIL. If, for example, there was a medical center there that could treat her more effectively. But as others have pointed out, she is not likelier to be happy in another place than she is right now.

"We've decided that we are not going to move, Mom, but if you want to we'll help you all we can to arrange it."
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Pam, what you wrote is so true. Older people often think if only they could do this, they would be happy. Or if only they could do that, then they would be happy. But no matter what they do, there is no happiness there. The problems they had follow them wherever they go. I've always felt that if a person is happy, they will be happy no matter where they are. You can't run somewhere to find it.

I understand that someone would want to see their family before they passed. To me this sounds more like a good situation for moving in with someone in UT if there is someone who welcomes a house guest. (Really, I'm having the hardest time imagining why they wanted to move to AK to start with. We don't know how long ago that was.)
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If they think "moving back will make us happy" they are delusional as it comes.
Never play into elderly delusions or promises of inheritance. Happiness is not a place. Where they really want to go is 30 years in the past.
Stay where you are. They want Utah, tell Utah to come and get them.
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Do not move because your inlaws want it. You will regret it. When I relocated for my inlaws I did it for my husband. I don't like it here, would never choose it for myself, and am making the best out of it. We thought we would get good jobs but that did not happen and we are barely making ends meet. It is very stressful. Most days I just go about my business but during the holidays, it's depressing to not be able to buy decorations, cards, and presents without first checking the price tag. If you are content and financially secure in Alaska, I hope you stay put.
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Yeah I have a small home business that I do on the side that we've been earning extra income from but I haven't been able to work on it cause it seems like they're getting worse. But yes! Alaska is beautiful! The people are so kind. Thanks JessieBelle!
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Sounds like you're in a narcissistic tug. You and your husband have the final word. Maybe he can go down to visit them when he has a vacation from his work. I don't know how important the caregiving money is to your budget. I was thinking you may have to look around for some work, too. I've heard the cost of living in AK is very high. It seems like AK hooks certain people and they never want to leave. It is a beautiful state, in spite of the cold and strange daylight hours.
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He wants to stay wherever I want to stay. He's pretty good at self adapting so I know he'll flourish wherever we are at. He does agree though that he will never find a job as good as the one he has now in Utah so he leans towards staying here as well. We even told her that she can go stay in Utah for as long as she wants and then when she's ready she can come back but it's not good enough for her. She wants her husband [who she doesn't care for] and her son to be with her. She basically wants her cake and eat it too.
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maren, that is a tough one. I don't know what I would do except maybe bump my head on the wall. What does your husband think? If you like AK there will probably be no other place that will make you that happy. I would talk to him about what he wanted to do. If both of you want to remain in AK, then I would put them on a plane to UT. Maybe they can stay with the relatives there, instead of having to move everything back. The move may be more difficult and expensive than the things are worth. I feel bad that you're put in this position. I would say your life comes first and you can help the in-laws in a way that doesn't go against what you want for yourself. You sound like you've done so much already.
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