The lies we tell...


The last 2 months were wonderful, mum was mostly herself as she still is in the morning. But now the fear and confusion returned in the evening mostly.When she calls the conversation looks like this too often: Mum: I don't want to stay here, they are hard and I'm afraid I: What are you afraid of? M: I don't know. They are hard. I: Hard how? What's going on? M: I don't know. They force me to eat! I want to leave. I: You accepted to be there. You used to love it last month M: Month? I arrived here yesterday and I hate it here. I want to leave. I: But you are secure there. M: I hate it here. It's not you stucked here. I: ok Mum! I'll see what I can do." (Nothing😞 I lied) 😩 She lives a great distress and all I can do is lying to her. What a damning disease!

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A true statement
“We caregivers are always in doubt or in guilt”.

I find it difficult to tell the fibs if I think about it too much. But out they pour when needed.

I’m hoping the sundowners passes soon and wish you good health as well.

Michou: Put your own health first. If your mother needs to be medicated, so be it.


You take care of yourself first, really? You're doing all you can for mom.

I too, am so very guilty of the "fibs" I must tell my mother. Yesterday she asked me if she could come live "with me" (she has lived in a separate apartment with my brother's family for 21 years). We have a split entry--tons of stairs. I cannot lift her, I cannot lift her wheelchair....we've been over this umpteen times....

She knows we're planning to size-out to a rambler style home for retirement and THAT'S what she wants, to move in with us when we do that. I lied and said we were going to rent out the basement (we're not) and that there will still be a lot of stairs....In actuality, she is going to stay right where she is until she dies.

She doesn't need to know that I couldn't last a day having her live with me. She was a abusive, neglectful mother and I can barely spend time with her now---nope, no way she can live with me.

I just feel really, really sad for her when she gets like this. And I do feel worse for "lying" to her.

We all need to vent. Don't worry about it.

Thank you all. I've been worried all the last week, because not only mom was fearful but she began hitting even the residents. Since last friday she is in the special area in gerontology for evaluation. They healed all her physical problems, but they concluded she needs Risperdal, don't read about the side effects! Even if it is not for a long time, I fear the side effects. They can't relocate her in a more suitable place and her actual residence won't take her back if she's not medicated. I'm medicated myself with anastrozole( breast cancer last october) and that augments the bad effects of my Sjogrën so I'm not in good shape for this game of ping pong with my poor beloved mother who used to be so tender ( stubborn but tender) ! Sorry to be whining, I must ventilate my powerlessness and frustrations!

Even though there are those who would never lie to their demented loved one, IMO, it is cruel to force someone, who can't process the truth, to have to deal with it.

Therapeutic fibs are essential in dealing with the elderly with broken brains.

Mother wasn't wanting to put me on her banking accounts. It was going to be impossible to pay her bills without access to her account. Nothing I came up with seemed to change her mind.
I finally had to tell her that I didn't have enough money to bury her, so I'd have to leave her in the morgue until the government would release the funds in her bank account to me. Shamefully to say, that did it! :0

Michou, I used "therapeutic fiblets" with both my parents.

With my Mom [98], she wanted to go home, but home meant back to her childhood home many States away. She was asking if she could visit a couple of her sisters, and I told her "not today, they have appointments". Mom was ok with that answer. Then she wanted to see per parents, so I quickly had to find another fib.

Years earlier I used such fibs with my Dad. I needed for him and Mom to update their Wills as the Wills were older then dirt, while they were still sharp enough to understand the legal documents. Excuses after excuses. Ah ha time for therapeutic fib. I told Dad that the way his Will was written, the Government would get half of his assets. Boy, he was like the Flash wanted to get those Wills up-to-date :)

Call the doc. Maybe a uti. Maybe an increase in meds needed. My mom needed more antianxiety meds as her dementia profressed.

"Feels" not fells🙄

Thank you so much every one for sharing. Yes I know sundowners syndrome. Mum has it for a time and then not and now again. Still difficult and painful for both of us each one differently! Thank you Polar Bear for saying I handling it well, it is reassuring, because we caregivers are always in doubt or in guilt, so reassuring from others feels comforting.
Thanks Sunnygirl1, Mum has a medication of Ativan. Doesn't seem to help these last days unfortunately!
Thank youBarbBrooklin for the term "therapeutic fiblets" 😃 Fells less " wrong"!
God bless you too Isthisrealyforreal and big hugs. We're all doing our best and our AC community is a real blessing!
Love and hugs everyone!

Try to reassure her that she is safe and okay. Tell her they want her to get better and that's why they feed her.

When my dad asks for things I can't or won't do, it breaks my heart because he is believing something that has no reality.
I don't know how to deal with him other then telling him, he is where he needs to be to be taken care of and all of life has things we wish were different.

God bless you and your family on this difficult journey. It is a demon of a disease, pray that this faze goes quickly, I'm on my 3rd month of I'm leaving but, it seems to be calming. Hugs and love to you, stay strong🤗