The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

*"holding my tongue completely." What I mean is--I've come a long way towards letting anything and everything roll off me, staying out of disagreements, and/or also interpreting things/words/behaviors in the nicest way possible.

I still see some room to continue growing here, though. During a get-together with my cousin, I piped up once with some protest about something she was saying and instantly regretted it because she started yelling at me.

My goal is to NEVER speak up on ANYTHING that could become argumentative. Not even once. Zip it. 🤐 I can speak only in pleasant, generic ways, try to show general sympathy and support and show love to them the best I can, and it's enough. I'm never going to have the respect of the bullies in my family, and that's ok.

That goal may change someday, but it's how I can keep the peace for now. I'd like to see my family in person and not have arguments. Sometimes, it seems impossible. But I can speak in de-escalating tones and words, and for now, that is mostly working. Yay, progress..?

Thanks for letting me get my thoughts down here.

Hope everyone had a nice holiday time if you celebrated. And if it wasn't such a nice time because your family puts the "d" in dysfunction like mine does, then feel free to share because I can definitely commiserate.

(((((Sharyn))))) What a difficult time your sis has had, and you and your niece, too, because of this progression. We all probably take our times of good health for granted, and truly, things can and do arise out of seemingly nowhere. No one's getting any younger or healthier; it's always going the other way, but we hope and pray for good health and a solid mind to continue as long as possible. I'm so sorry for your sis' decline. 😔 And I'm sorry you had to tell DIL to leave you alone in order for her to understand that she's being rude and crossing boundaries. That's never pleasant. I'm glad you had a peaceful Christmas Day with hubs.

...

I had some moments of dysfunction with family this year, but overall, it was a good holiday time, and I'm grateful that once-very-difficult relationships are much milder. I will likely always be actively holding my tongue and "making nice" at holidays to keep any friction to a minimum. I'm more than okay with doing that for the rest of my life. I used to take some things personally; I don't anymore. I'm never changing anyone, and if they insist on being unpleasant at times during the ONE time I see them in person each year, that's on them.

I want to do better at holding my tongue COMPLETELY. It's ALWAYS interesting to be around my family for the holidays. 😅

Hugs and prayers Sharyn.
Praying for comfort in your sorrow.

You and sis had reconnected. That is a wonderful thing to happen.

Mom is now in assisted living, but basically 24/7 care. She fought it, but no alternative as she cannot walk, even with a walker. Been diagnosed with congestive heart failure, a-fib, moderate renal issues, adema in feet/legs, arthritis. She is now throwing up or sick to her stomach a lot. The good thing they are monitoring her, getting new meds. Sibling thinks she’s not got long, but I am not sure. She shows some interest now in activities, cannot attend yet. Did eat some food on her own; sibling thinks they must come and hand feed her when staff said no, let’s try to empower her a little (if possible).

She’s also had screaming matches with the staff, not wanting to be changed. Yelled at me that the clothes I got out of her home were not hers. She had so much stuff that she probably forgot about most items.

I don’t know if the stomach upset is a sign of worsening conditions? I may email the head of nursing. I am about 6 hours away and sibling is gatekeeping information at times.

Lily, I’m sorry you are going through this as well. People mean well, but sometimes they do need to be more sensitive to what others are going through. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope everyone had a quiet Christmas Day. We went out to dinner with our daughter’s family on the 24th. On Christmas Day it was just my hubs and myself which worked perfectly as my sis was put on comfort care.

it was a difficult decision my niece couldn’t make by herself. After I talked on the phone with the dr, my niece and I decided together. I told her she was not alone and I would help her. It’s all in Gods hands now.

So sorry for what you are going through, Sharyn. Some in laws (and people in general) just don’t get it. It’s hard to grasp how people can be so self centered. I’m caring for my mom in hospice over Christmas and I have people pressuring to attend events that I don’t want to go to, or exchange gifts when I was barely able to get anything for my immediate family.

Hugs, Sharyn.

((((((hugs))))) Sharyn, What a very tough time for you this year again. I am so very sorry about your sis. Prayers sent to you and her and family for peace. Let us know how you are.🙏🙏🙏

Sharyn 💙😥🦋

(((Hugs))))

(((Sharyn)))

I’m just so torn right now. I know my sis will not surivive this infection. My daughter-in-lov

e won’t leave me alone. I never did this to my in laws. Y daughter in law wants the gift cards we send for Christmas. She keeps bugging me everyday. My husbands takes care of gift cards while I buy all the gifts for the grandchildren. I do everything in advance while my hubs waits till the last minute.

I told my son’s wife she needs to leave me alone as I am overwhelmed. My niece and talked last night. I told her I agree with the drs that a family decision has to be made and I will support her decision. It’s not my decision to make.
My daughter in love texts me daily “what have you decided”. I finally had to tell her to leave me alone.
my daughter in law has no sense of personal boundaries. She seems to only be concerned about them getting their gift cards.

my sis and I have our differences. We didn’t talk for over a year after our mother passed in 2016. Then my sisters daughter ended her own life in 2018. We started talking again and amended our differences. Last year we lost our two brothers six months apart. Losing my sister is very hard as it’s the last connection to our family of origin.

hugs to everyone.

Oh, Sharyn. That is sad news. Still hoping for a turn around for your dear sister!

Sharyn,

Wishing you and your niece peace during this difficult time. Sending hugs your way.

Sharyn, May The Lords will be done.

May HE give you all peace and comfort during this difficult time.

Thank you everyone for the prayers. So far dialysis is not helping. They will do dialysis again today. If no improvement, they will start comfort care. My niece and I are devastated as we never expected this to happen from an issue that started with her toe.

sending my thanks and prayers for blessings for all of you.

Duck; Hoping you have good holidays and good health!

Sharyn Marie,
Continuing prayers for you and your sister.

Our sisters are special, no matter what.

Sharyn, so sorry your sister isn't doing well. Hoping for some good news for you.

Sharyn, my heart and prayers are with you.
Hang in there.
You have weathered a many storm.
May God shine His Face upon you and your family

Beatty! LOL! I needed that!
THank you.
Love your humor!
Made me laugh and remember our charlie brown tree!
I bet it's beautiful!

Hothouse ,

I recommend taking a break. Don’t visit everyday . Your mother won’t have you for an audience for her shenanigans. Let her sit and stew a bit to adjust .

My parents are in a NH. My mother was scheduled for a haircut today and it was not happening fast enough to suit her majesty. It was only 11:30 but no one had come for her yet. She was harping on this and must have been bitterly complaining to my father (who has some form of cognitive decline, not sure if it is dementia) about this before I arrived because when asked how he was he threw his hands in the air in disgust. She succeeded in getting him annoyed at the staff because no one had shown up. She has been the alpha in the family and he always just followed her lead blindly.

The attendant finally did come about ten minutes later. I brought my mother down to the salon myself. And then I quickly left. Got off easy with an abbreviated visit today. That was the good part.

Sharyn, May The Lord be with your family right now and touch your sister.

Sharyn,

I am so sorry. Wishing you peace as you go through this difficult time with your sister.

Unfortunately, my sis is on dialysis now. They will bring in a neurologist tomorrow.

CollieryCats, I HEAR you, I am in the same situation as you. The stress level is unbelievable. Some days I just want to be put out of my misery. I don't know what is going to happen and the uncertainty and worry is killing me. My thoughts are with you.

DDDuck, my Christmas Tree this year is.. let's call it minimmal-make-do. (Or maybe menopausal!)
I spent last evening cracking myself up over youtube failed christmas trees. That mood you know when tired + stressed needs a good laugh to cure it! For some reason the tree in Port Macquarie NSW Aus 2022 tickled me silly.

Don't know if link will work;
https://www.news.com.au/national/nsw-act/epic-fail-nsw-local-councils-christmas-tree-branded-an-epic-fail-by-residents/news-story/00fd91d970bbd2d916e1f280fd99ba42

Blick, I am glad your Mother voiced her appreciation of you ❤️. 'Bout time right?