The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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Emjo,

I was re-reading posts. Yes, I have to say that I was getting the same impression about Sharyn's supervisor. Actually, you took the words right out of my mouth, about," walking the walk, instead of the talk." The main caregiver at mom's does this. She has all of these sayings of the religious nature, but then she does and says things that raises people's eyebrows.

Well, I will find out this weekend how mom is doing. As I wrote to Dabs, I'm hoping she's having those awake days, that my sister says she is now having.
She told me the other day, that this is becoming a pattern, so we'll see.

How is your mom doing, Emjo. I hope she is being calm.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Dabs,

This is a very good observation that you've made about the "new normal," after an elder has had an illness. I completely agree with you. Mom had some bad acid reflux, which I think she has had for years, even before she was diagnosed with the ALZ. This last year after her sister died, I don't know if it was becoming aggravated a few mos. after that loss for mom. But also, her main caregiver was cooking some heavy foods, with too much spice in it. It used to make me quite annoyed, when this lady would not comply with requests by my sister and me to cut back on this kind of food for mom. Also, there are some people who equate giving people more food, as to quantity, and many seniors can no longer digest as much food, because they don't get as much exercise either.

This same caregiver has been there at mom's for over 3 years now. She doesn't seem to follow my sister's instructions, and has become IMO, too comfortable in her position there as a caregiver. She used to spend the night, which I guess she finally was getting burned out from. So she told my sister, that she could no longer do this. My sister has had various problems with her since, like not being on time for work, and the caregiver basically doing what she wants, instead of what needs to be done. But I know sister is very reluctant to just let her go, since mom is bonded with her.So I do understand this part of the decisions my sister has to call. But apparently, my sister is also having to take what she has coming to her, (floating days off), from work. On these days in the past, she still had this caregiver come in. But my sister claims that the caregiver told her at the very last minute on Thurs., that she couldn't make it Fri., morning because she was going to the dentist. Now my sister can accommodate this, given the caregiver gives her adequate notice. She did not. So this caregiver had the nerve to suggest to my sister that she call one of the other CG's, for that morning, then she'd show up in the afternoon. My sister told her, not to bother to come in, that she had that day off anyway. I'm afraid that this CG, better start to consider the flexibility sis has shown her. Oh and speaking of excuses, or the church explanations, this CG uses this all the time, as to why she can't make it at other times during the week.

This must be difficult, Dabs the situation you have going on w/your brother.
We had this previously, also w/a brother who definitely behaved in pig headed fashion. During those years, he was completely in charge. The greed was definitely at the forefront. But since it had to do w/the Living Trusts of both mom and her sister, once the two elderly women's health took a dramatic turn, and our brother was being negligent about their needs, our narcissistic aunt changed the POA's to my sister and youngest brother. But I'm familiar w/a relative of this caliber, who is really only has their own agenda. While this brother had the power, he used to keep the rest of us in the dark about many very important matters.

O.K., Dabs, we'll be doing the same thing this weekend. I'm going to relieve my sister. I hope you have a great weekend with your mom, as I plan to with mine. Also, I'll be thinking about you with this upcoming appointment,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Cmag~It is frustrating especially when the dementia patient does not recognize their limitations. My mother has not had a stroke, but she believes there is nothing wrong with her.Yesterday she got a telemarketing call that upset her because she thinks these callers are trying to kick her out of her house. I tell her it was probably a wrong number. Today she called me at 7:30am saying someone took the brown things that she made off each end of something in the living room. It took me a while to understand exactly what she was talking about. It turned out to be the afgans she crocheted to cover the couch cousins. She found them a few minutes later in a drawer in one of the bedrooms. When I went over later to give her medication, she couldn't find her keys. I really think these phones calls upset her to the point that she starts hiding things.

Yes today was a beautiful sunny warm day. March is really unpredictable here because it will bounce back and forth on into April before our weather takes on a more spring like season. My roses are growing like crazy and I need to prune them back.If you hire a yard service, make sure they are willing to prune shrubs and roses even if you have to pay them more for it because we have some services here that only want to come in once a week to mow the lawn and nothing more.
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book, my mother never worked with the PT unlike once before when she had a stroke and thus is totally bedridden like your dad. However, her dementia at times leads her to believe that she has been actually walking.

Sharyn, you are right and that is basically what I do plus call the social worker. Sounds like you have nice weather there. It is too cold here to get yard work done, plus I don't feel like doing yard work anyhow. I think I might pay someone to do it this year.
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No, book, it will never end. It is frustrating, but all I can do is use the broken record technique of having the same response over and over again. I think my step-dad and/or his helper get mom worked up about this theme of going home. Thanks!
Take care.
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Cmag~If I remember correctly, your mother has dementia. When she calls you asking to come home, would it help if you tell her you are checking into it. Is the only time she asks is when your step dad visits her? If so, by telling her you are checking into it may comfort her enough to where she forgets about it again for awhile.

Wow, it is in the mid 70's here today. I wish I stay home and do some yard work.
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Cmag...as I read your comments, I just sighed. It will never end will it? Mom and step father will continue to blame you and not accept the facts that she is getting worse. My father believed he was right and absolutely refused Physical therapy after his stroke. He's now permanently bedridden with his left leg stuck in a crooked position. I hope with your mom not doing what she needs to do - doesn't end up like my father. Now, he is so tired of laying on bed all day every day. Sucks when you're right all the time (when in actuality you're not.)

I also couldn't help thinking of Emjo's situation with her mom. It got to the point that she had to distance herself for her sanity. You haven't reached that stage but I can hear the frustration. Like you said, it's not going to make a difference at all. Unfortunately step father and mom still believe that they are "healthy" and can take care of each other. Nobody will be able to persuade them otherwise (even if they're bedridden and can't move their left side - they know better than anyone or the physical therapist..talking about my father). Maybe someone reading your words, experienced what you're going thru, might be able to give you some pointers that worked for them. Just hang in there because it sure ain't going to stop!! You take care, Cmag....
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My mother called again today back on her theme of wanting to go home for she thinks that she has been in the nursing home long enough. We've had this discussion with her, my step-dad, and her care team who explained to her why she is not a safe discharge, but what steps she could take at that time to reach that goal. Since then, she has not worked with PT to learn to walk again or become less dependent upon the CNAs, etc. in any way. Also, home is not a safe place and her husband is helpless in a wheelchair if there were a fire.

Today, when she called I could hear my step-dad in the background saying to someone that I had put my mother in the nursing home. Nope, her surgeon sent her there for rehab following surgery for her broken hip. What I normally do in this case is promise mom that I will call someone in the nursing home and let them know she wants to go home. I do call, but I call the social worker who each time goes and has a talk with my mother which calms her down. I told her about my step-dad today and asked she go to mom's room soon so that she could explain to him how my mom ended up there and who put her in there. However, I doubt this will make any real difference with him. How frustrating!
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Book~I am happy you got a good laugh at my expense. I laughed so much last night and I needed it!! It is also going in my memory book about my mom. My boss suggested that I take lots of pictures too which is right up my alley.
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Austin~I also hate the "Happy Holidays" blessing. I go in 95% of the time I am called. I plan to continue to go that because my job is important to me, I need the money and I want the independence. I found out today that my manager's mother had a heart attack about 2 weeks ago. This may account for some the change in her attitude and stress level. I really messed up today because I wrote down that I worked 4-9pm today. She called me saying I was suppose to be in at 1pm. I apologized for messing up and went in ASAP. I excepted her to be angry. Instead she was joking and in a good mood. I must admit that I was surprised to learn this because I would think that people in the department would have talked about her mother having a heart attack. I am not going to go to deeply into that because it will only add to my suspicions. I was 30 minutes late and she did not reprimand me for it so I am grateful for that. As I have said, if she wanted to get rid of me, she could have written me up today for this. Take care and thank you, I will be available as much as I can. Hugs to you!!
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