The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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Dorianne, finally something I can offer advice on.

When my Mom passed I was so drained and emotionally and physically exhausted that I passed the buck with clearing out my Mom's place. I justified it with the fact that I had pretty much done everything for the last few years of my Mom's life and arranged for her service afterward etc. But now I regret that cause once the dust had settled so to speak, I thought of certain things I would have liked to have kept. Her old Singer sewing machine, nativity scene from Christmas decorations etc. Sis hired 1-800 got Junk to cart it all away, used Mom's money at a cost of $1000 dollars to do it. Totally impersonal and quick.

So, if you have the time Dorianne, take it and possibly save yourself any regret in the future.
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Golden, six donuts! Good for you! Tim's? Krispy Kreme?

I recall when I was in my twenties picking up a big box of donuts from Tim's and polishing them off. Not now...............I'd have to starve for a week and get on the eliptical for 10 hours a day to burn that off now.

I remember we had a potluck at work once years ago. I had brought a big loaf of garlic bread which no one touched. I took it back home that night and ate the whole loaf. Ah, those were the days.
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Home safe, lovely drive and I ate 1/2 doz chocolate glazed donuts on the way home. I didn't think I was capable of that.. I washed them down with black coffee followed by lots of raw carrots, broccoli and celery. I find that rich/sweet food settles better if I eat raw veggies after. Seems to work. I feel fine and I shouldn't after 6 donuts. I haven't eaten a donut in years!!!

The doctor called and he is putting mother back on the risperdal, I was polite and thanked him. JERK!!! Mother has been badly off for most of this year and they had to guinea pig her with different antid's. The LPN called and was sweet and will call me as soon as she sees an improvement. The DOC is going to get an earful from me about the lack of communication. Apparently she has no information that mother has not been doing well. Where is the break down? INCOMPETENCE!!!

I could go on but i won't. I will save it for them, and I need to simmer down so I can get some sleep,

Nite all. Sweet (donut) dreams, 🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩 lol
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WOW, 30,000 comments on this thread! Great idea magnum!
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Magnum, have you been able to return home? So much flooding! Hope you found all ok.
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Golden, I don't know what it takes to get them to listen to the family - the doctor knows best (not!!)😡
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dori -sounds like you re making some good decisions. I am so glad you have BFF's support and help. (((((((hugs)))) You are getting your life back.

duck -let your therapist help you with this. If your mum was OK when you were away then maybe you can relax a bit. Sounds like it is a bit of a power struggle

fraz -I am sure you are wiped. The stress weakens our immune systems, Put yourself and your family first! Re mum - Detach, detach, detach!

heading home soon though I am tired, my sinuses are infected and my throat is sire. Have to p/u some zinc lozenges, They usually work for me.

Mother is not improved - she is crying and refusing to eat. Bunch of jerks!!!! I said again she needs to go back on the risperdal so they have left a note for the doctor to call me. Sheer incompetence!!!! I will try to be civil if he does call -or maybe not!!

Not looking forward to the drive back, but I need to get home.

Wil check in later. Have a good day everyone,
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Dori, so good to hear from you. Just yesterday I was wondering how all is going for you, thanks for responding. 😉 Great that you have help. And I can sure identify with "it's a process". I am still processing three years after mom was placed, a year since she passed. Take your time. And wonderful you finally got your mom camping and it sounds like a beautiful spot!

Duck, just hang in there, I do not know how you do it. I would have been gone long ago, actually I did. After four years taking care of mom, it was the treatment I received from the twisteds that got me on the road to life reclamation.

Golden, travel safely.
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(((Dori))), it's good that you have your BFF to help you out. Sounds like you needed the camping trip just to kind of de-stress from everything. The estate stuff sounds complicated. I know what you mean about when your life gets tangled up with your parent, it feels like being on hold or on limbo in a way, like you said. Hugs, take care of you and just take things one at a time.

DDDuck, the book passage you mentioned about "breaking free of a control drama" hit home with me. That's kind of where I'm at too with mom and this whole situation. Your therapist can help you with setting boundaries with your nephew, and being able to take whatever steps you need to to help your mom. I know it gets really frustrating. My therapist has been helping me too to change the way I react to my mom's drama. But it is a process, for sure.

Golden, hope you have a safe trip back. It's good that the weather is holding up well so far. Take care of you and hope you can get some rest. Insomnia is no fun.

Ali, good to hear you are doing well and getting back on your feet. It sounds like you have some amazing and fun opportunities to do some things for you. You deserve it!

Sharyn, any more news about your brother?

I've kind of taken it easy the past couple of days as far as just letting the doctors and medical team take care of mom. I will probably go up there this evening or tomorrow during the visiting hours. Haven't heard anything from them since they started her on the Seroquel. I imagine she is probably sleeping more maybe, and busy with groups if she is participating, which they said the other day that she was going to those. I'll probably call this morning and ask how her treatment is going.

I've just been feeling tired, like blah, and I have chest congestion, probably the weather changes and maybe a little of what my son has too. I took him to the urgent care earlier because he wasn't feeling well, saying his throat was hurting. Turns out he has an ear infection. Strep test was negative but his throat was pretty inflamed. They did give him antibiotics.

Anyway, just been taking care of business around here, and having to motivate myself a little, when I really just want to be lazy and not do a darn thing lol. We'll see how things go with mom. I hope the meds they give her are helping.

Hugs to you all, hope all have a good day!
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Hey gang.....just flying by with a quick update.....I have been SOOOOOOO overwhelmed since mom died that I think I was barely functional. I mainly slept a lot.

The funeral was like.....there was stuff to do every single day right up to the day after. BFF came with me - I don't know what I would've done without her. We wound up taking her mini-van and basically camped (in the van) by the beach in Vancouver! (Which is something my mother would never have "allowed" while she was alive....I would have had to keep it a huge secret from her.) I didn't have money to spend on a hotel and bro's place is so tiny, I wasn't going to ask. Also we had mom's ashes with us.....so I guess I finally got my mom to go camping after all. Lol. Bro and I were going to scatter the ashes the day after, but it was too windy and the water was low. So I left them with him, like, "Ok, she's your responsibility now."

We got home Saturday night. Then I crashed for two or three days, then I finally called the lawyer. There is so much stuff to be done.....I decided and told bro I prefer the lawyer probate the will because I am NOT the right person for the job. There is already a lot of work, scanning and sending things, gathering up all the info on assets and vital statistics, freezing all her accounts and investments, land title and all that. I honestly didn't really start until yesterday.

Well, bro has been so apathetic or uninterested or whatever about everything that has to be done - the funeral, the Estate, plus dealing with mom's belongings (household goods and clothes and everything else)....I even asked him if he could get the ball rolling with mom's lawyer, since the lawyer is in the SAME CITY AS MY BROTHER. Nope, he's too busy with work. So I made ANOTHER decision that I am now contracting to BFF to help me and paying her out of the Estate. Eff this, I wouldn't have gotten this far without her help. I got her to invoice me for the Estate work she did with me yesterday, and I just have to phone that nice lady at the credit union who told me to call her any time I want a cheque to be put through (I already had that account frozen).

The other decision I made on the weekend is that I can't even tackle mom's apartment until I get my own stuff out of here and start living at home again. Yes, I'm still at mom's. BFF and I took some of my things home Sunday, and we went in today to start organizing stuff. I'm aiming to be back home permanently in a week or two at the most.

I feel like this one is kind of a metaphor for where I'm at - basically I need to untangle my life from my mother's so I can start living again. I AM buying out her apartment, with the intent to rent it out. But I have got to get the eff out of here. Really, I've spent the last 3 weeks, up until this last weekend, feeling like I'm in limbo. Like....I don't belong here but I can't go home yet. Everything I've needed for basic living is here. I can't just go back and forth with two cats - either I'm here looking after them or I'm home and they live there permanently. But my apartment is a disaster from the last year and a half of just going home to grab things I need. So I need to make it habitable first. Getting back home and getting the Estate fully into the lawyer's hands is my first priority. THEN I can start dealing with mom's belongings and her apartment, figure out what I want to keep, what I need to get rid of, and where it's going to go. I won't own the apartment till the Estate is settled anyway, so there isn't a rush to get it cleared out.

I can't believe how long it took me to figure out that plan. It seems so obvious and basic when I think about it now. I've just been overwhelmed, really since the decision to stop dialysis. But I guess you don't figure on how tangled up your life gets with the person you are caring for. It's not like you can just pick up your "real life" where you left off.

I'm running out of room again....

Miss you all, and think about you lots!
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