How do I tell my mother her last sister died?

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I found out yesterday that an aunt I'm close with (mom's sister, who's she's close with), died yesterday morning. She lived out of state and her husband has already made arrangements for cremation, but how do I explain this to mom being it was so sudden?

For those of you who have read some of my other posts, my mom is extremely selfish and controlling. So this is just going to make today all the more difficult. Mom had a sister die 10 years ago. She took it hard. Then her mother died not too long after that. Now her last sister who she was also close too died suddenly.

I'm sick at the thought of having to tell her. Her reaction could go one of many ways and due to her past behaviors it may be a rocky road now for mom. (ie, to get attention get sick so people come running to her side, etc)

I called the assisted living to let them know and to work out a plan to keep dad away while I tell mom. Dad with Alzheimer's is too protective of her and won't let her grieve or get ticked off at me for upsetting mom. I just don't want to do this and its 3 1/2 hrs til kickoff of news. I don't even know if I can tell her without crying my eyes out because I loved my aunt dearly. I was trying to get her up to our state to care for her since she had no family down there.

Well off to another day and another migraine and tears.

8 Comments

Well for those of you who were waiting to hear (if at all), I told her and it was like comforting a brick wall. Sadly she did not have too much emotion (and yes, I'm aware people deal with death differently), but she didn't even show emotion when I was crying. Second thing she said was if my uncle knew about the finances and such because my aunt took care of it all. Great compassion. I was dismissed after 15 minutes, and I took off. Now I deal with my own grief.

What has been interesting, for those of you who read my posts about mom, that because she was such a control freak she kept me away from family for 20 years or so. In talking with them regarding my aunt's death, I'm finding out some real interesting things and that they understand about mom. Probably why they all distanced themselves.

Its just so sad when I look at the whole picture of things that mom has done, and now with the loss of her sister... sigh. It's just going to be another rough go. Just when I started getting her adapted to assisted living.
I saw your post. I'm sorry you felt dismissed during a crucial time, the kind of time when we wish for our family to pull together and make our bonds stronger. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Jamie
Dear Mitzi, I am so sorry to hear about you losing your beloved Aunt. Praying you are comforted through your grief. I am sorry your Mom didn't reach out and hug you, love you, and comfort you, or share some tears with you. As "adoptive" family, know we want to do that with you and for you now. You are in our thoughts and prayers. You are loved and wished peace and comfort. If there is anything else you need, or just listening ears, let us know. Thank you for trusting us enough to share your pain. I pray you are rewarded with huge doses of grace in this time of sorrow. Weeping may endure for a time, but it will be followed by joy one day. I hope you have to wonderful memories of your Aunt to focus on, and are comforted by the love you shared with her.
Dear mitzi, you are a GOOD daughter! Sorry for your loss. Prayers to you and a BIG hug. Nauseated
Dear Mitzi, Just went through this same thing last week. My mother's last living sister died. I got a call from AZ. not one you want to have. Mother does not remember what you tell her 10 mins. after the fact sooo.... we are not telling her. Mother will be 82 years this March 22 and don't want to keep her from this happy time. I hope everyone does not feel as if I'm being cruel but you have to know when to inform and when not too. I cried on my own because this was my fave aunt I had now I don't have anymore. Iknow how you feel. I'm giving you a hug right now and keeping you in my prayers............Bennie
Bennie, thank you for those kind words. There is something to be said for not having any memory when it comes to these types of issues. A blessing in disguise really. My mom sadly, does not have dementia and fully aware. What's more depressing to me is that because she's been so catered to all her life, she's never had to deal with any "stressors" in life or face the reality of death. Dad just took care of whatever and mom got to float around on a cloud, etc.

So she's had in the past 10 years, her oldest sister's death to deal with 10 years ago, her mother and father's death, her husband (my dad) have a stroke then see him with Alzheimer's (refused medical treatment for him), and now your youngest sister's death.

For someone who has never had to cope with life, this is huge. She's actually gone down hill since dad's whole thing happened. Very tragic. My aunt will be truly missed by me. I appreciated her apology and told her I loved her after every phone call. She also knew I was willing to bring her up to Michigan and either prepare my parent's house for her care or move her into assisted living with my parents. She just knew...

Thanks again Bennie!
You sound a little bitter because your mom was protected and you didn't see her suffer over loses like you have....I only say something because I have a sister who feels the same way about my mom. Yes, my mom is as difficult as yours & my dad protected her too but you don't know what she went through as a child that made her the way she is. Show her love and respect and cut her some slack. She's only human. Your a good person and I'm sure your mom is too...try not to judge her. Think with your heart and not your head and that should help overlook some of her shortcomings. God bless.
This is a necropost, the OP's follow up comments had me wondering how I had missed it....

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