Talk me off the ledge...or not. [rant]

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I'm so mad I'm shaking. Many of you have supported me in my battles with Sisters 1 and 2 and Niece. Now, I'm sure I'm being gaslighted, and I'm right at the point of saying I'm going home and "You all take care of Mom."

Background: Mom has deepening dementia and diabetes Type II and a host of other issues. Yesterday she was enrolled in hospice and a year ago I left my home (which I still own) in another state to be Mom's live-in caregiver. I'm her POA for everything including medical care. At first, sisters were great. Then after a betrayal from another sister [long story] ended up in a screaming match with foaming-at-the-mouth-livid Sisters accusing me of having Mom declared incompetent and trying to steal her house, among other things. Absolutely making up garbage. Since then they barely talk to me, act like I'm not in the room, make decisions that they don't tell me about but I'm supposed to just "know".

Niece gets paid to care for Mom once a week for eight hours. Niece used to be Mom's live-in caregiver for nine months until essentially she was fired (mental and physical issues). She does a poor job and I have to watch her while I here before I get to leave for a few hours.

Yesterday before I ran to the store I did most of Mom's morning routine and told Niece what bit was left (give Mom her insulin) after breakfast. In the past months I've reminded her three times it's 25 units. While I was at the store I got a text "what number of units?" I texted the answer back.

Today, I was talking to Sister 1 (the worst) and mentioned Heather's text. She lit into me that Niece is only to sit with Mom, not give her any medicine. Niece is for respite care only and to just sit there.

I was so stunned I could barely talk. I'm so mad I'm shaking.

Some weeks ago I started a thread "Anyone consider giving up live-in caregiving". Well, I'm there. If an outsider listened to us they'd think I'm 100% incompetent because EVERYTHING I say I'm interrupted with "No, ..." "You should..." "You have to..." Last week S1's even criticized how I spend what very little free time I get.

When is enough enough? I'm holding out to talk to Sister 2 who is also a "ready, fire, aim" type, but she seems to be supporting me more and has been kinder. Plus next week the hospice counselors will arrive to assess Mom including a social worker. I plan on asking him or her about a sanity check. Because frankly I DO NOT deserve this.

On a light note: thank you to whomever mentioned hot air popped corn, because yesterday I bought a popper and I've been slamming popcorn right now rather than devouring the box of Ding Dongs.


Climb down carefully from that ledge and find your ding dongs. You don't have to eat the whole box. But (2) could comfort you. If you drink coffee, dilute it with 1/2 water and enjoy with the ding dongs. imo. You may want to consider less than 1 1/2 cup of coffee per day, diluting it with added boiling water to make it seem more.

Seek mental health counseling separate and confidentially from your mother's issues.

However, you can mention the need for added help and immediate respite for yourself.

Get back here after you have enjoyed your ding dongs. There will be other caregivers to offer advice. I already had brownies last night to prevent the ledge hopping.

Hang in there. Sounds like family has been pushing your buttons big time, and you can only help yourself, if you are at all able to help Mom.

So sorry your Mom needs more care, and is entering hospice. They will help.  They will listen, and you will be heard.

If you need to go home, give hospice notice.

I just showered and feel all clean, and white, and I am determined not to talk to anyone today who wants to order me around.  Shower,/bath is good.
Sendhelp: Thank you so much. I'll read your post several times. {hug}

I am exhausted being on edge every time one of these stop by or call. The tension rises and I'm nervous (or livid) until they leave or hang up.
This may add more family mayhem....but if the niece cannot handle one 8 hour shift per week to get you out of the house to protect your her! Hire a CNA for one day so you can go elsewhere, recharge and be yourself!
Mincemeat: thank you for your post. In this town, the going rate for a real caregiver is $20 an hour. I would prefer to have this caregiver at 2 1/2 hours rather than Niece at 8 for the same amount! The only reason I go along with Niece is picking my battles (and I do mean "battle" when it comes to Sister 1). Hospice has volunteers who'll sit with Mom while I dash out. I have no doubt they'll be more reliable than Niece. I think that's the answer, though I wouldn't dream of abusing this kind privilege by taking advantage of any volunteer.
Moose, I was right there as you are. Two twisted sisters both younger, 1 1/2 years and 4 years. I did quit after four years of providing care for mom with Alzheimer's and stepdad general age related decline. The care I provided allowed them to remain in my mom's home of 50 years, though in the end she did not recognize her home.

Twisteds were condescending, egotistical, and extremely vindictive. They too thought I was trying to lay claim to mom's house. I had my own and did not need or want mom's. I was investigated by adult protective services because of twisteds claims of financial exploitation. Naturally, nothing was found. We ended up in court which ruled in my favor and ts2 was ordered to pay me a paltry amount for two of the years I cared for mom.

Twisteds thought it would be cheaper to have mom in memory care and thought mom would adjust fine. Wrong on both counts. Who did it impact most? Mom and stepdad. Mom's expenses increased about four times what she spent in her home as she also needed a private caregiver.

Twisteds did not understand how sick mom had become and because they did not spend time with her, of course they KNEW what would be best for mom.

Just know, moose, that you are not alone on this most difficult of journeys. It happens very often. It is a great character builder as you learn to detach from them while providing the best care mom could possibly have.

So you have had enough? I had too. I had to let go of mom hand her care over to twisteds and pros to save my own sanity. There is nothing wrong with doing that. Nothing like a harsh dose of reality to bring dysfunctional siblings to their senses.

Don't jump.
We can reach the sky when our knees hit the floor.
Moose, I think you need to give notice as caregiver.

You are mom's POA, Yes? Hire caregivers or transfer mom to a care facility. She needs professional care.
gladImhere: I'm glad you're here too! I am so sorry you went through that. I'm sorry that too many know what you went through and what I am going through. I so appreciate you saying "There is nothing wrong with doing that." I know I'd feel so guilty if I quit, but at the same time I'm the only one thinking I matter in this hot mess. {hug}

smeshque: thank you.

Suddenly it occurred to me there are so many threads on this forum mentioning family members with NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I thought I should look that up. I started with wikipedia. Holy moly, did I hit the jackpot. That's exactly a description of my sisters. Both sisters are overwhelming and unreasonable, but Sister 2 does have some rationale thought that can overcome it.

I'll do some more research about how to deal with sisters and protect myself. Sister 1 occasionally talks how Mom's her "best friend" and "doesn't know how she'll live after she's gone." It popped in my head to ask her, if that's how she feels about Mom, then why isn't Mom living with her.
Hi Barb and thank you for your post. As of yesterday, Mom's on hospice. Last week I had mentioned to Sister 1 about my going home, selling Mom's house, and moving Mom to Sister 1's house. I volunteered to continue taking care of Mom's finances and paperwork goo, leaving only Mom's personal care to Sisters. Mom's always said she'd never go to a NH. Because of our family history (Mom really suffered horribly for us kids), us girls are committed to fulfilling that wish--for better or worse.
Moose, nobody, but NOBODY can singlehandedly take care of a dementia patient with one unreliable respite session a week.

Either hire 2 full shifts of caregivers 7 days a week or get your mom into a facility. What is anyone's argument against doing that?

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