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Good Morning - Just found this support group; needed someone to listen to who is also having these family/parent issues. They say the talk at the water cooler is all about aging parents these days. My father is living alone, still drives, by doesn't hear well and cannot communicate. He tried to burn the house the other day, so I have someone coming in to cook once a day for his lunch. He's fighting me; says they are keeping track of him. This aging thing is not for sissies!!

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This is definitely a legal matter - speak with an attorney
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Yes, the house is my and my husbands name only
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I have cared for my mother since my dad died in 1999. She has Parkinsons, and in 2004 it became obvious that she was running out of money and could no longer care for herself. I called my sister who said, "sorry, I have my own life." Since both my mom and I each own a small house, I decided we should sell both and build a home where we could all exist. Everything went along fine (as fine as it can be when an 80 years old wants to discuss her problems 24/7)
When we decided to do this, I told my sister what we were doing, and that no money would ever be sent to her since my husband and I were willing to take her in.
We have paid all bills, while my mother purchases only her make up and personal items.
Now, my sister (a 43year alcoholic) has convinced my mother to live with her, and they want all the money back.
My husband and I have literally given up our lives for the past 6 years caring for Mom, (even cleaning her carpet at 2:00 am due to a bowel accident) and we still want to live in this house. My mother has the dementia that goes along with Parkingsons.
Any advise, please
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Pa does his own shopping and gets some of the prepared foods, but he forgets how to use the oven and puts microwave packaging on the stovetop. I'd rather he did not cook. He loves brownies and pies; puts them in the oven and for whatever reason they are still there a couple days later, uncooked.

Don't know why he does not have any trouble driving, but does cooking. He does so much driving that it must be automatic for him.
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Judy my Mom had meals on wheels and for what she paid daily and got food she got tired of quickly my sister went to a grocery store and got prepared foods for her to have which worked out well so that might help you also some stores have good sales on frozen foods meals that are easy to prepare.
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1913, it's even more difficult when they are in your home as you can't get away.

ldickins, Meals on Wheels is not available in our area, but good idea.

Cat, Thanks -
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Hi Judy,

Would meals on wheels be an option? Perhaps your father would not object as much to having food dropped off as opposed to someone coming inside his house using his things?

I take care of my 81 year old father, who is actually doing better than he was 6 months ago. He lost most of his vision so he can't drive, but wears his hearing aids. Finding the right combination of medications to treat tremors, depression, insomnia, and anxiety is the biggest challenge at this point. And it can be a BIG challenge.

Welcome to the community. It has many caring members.
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Hi Judy - welcome.

I left you a message on your wall - ditto to everything that Austin says.
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Wow! Sounds like you have quite a time. How far do you live from her. Does she live on her own?
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1913, I've found if they decide to do these things (toilet risers, day helpers, etc) for themselves when they are younger, it's easier. As they get older, it's more difficult, probably because they feel they are giving up rather than just changing; plus wanting changes and needing changes are so different. Have you tried to get a power of attorney for health care matters?

edvierajr, I'm so sorry for your loss. When my Pa goes, I'll miss him, but like yours, he is ready to go (or at least he thinks he is) . One of his comments is "if I'm here tomorrow, that's okay, if I'm not, that's okay too" . He was trying to tell me a story today about something, never did discover what, but he tried.
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Like death, old age is something that catches us unprepared for the most part. You know it's certain, you see it coming or even unfolding right in front of you; yet you seem to be in denial (actually, shock is a better term).

At least this site, where we can collectively exchange ideas and blow off steam without being crude, crass, and obscene helps develop some strategies or the coping mechanisms to deal with delicate situations like your father's apparent rage.

Mine died quietly in my arms in 1997 while I bathed him, but for a whole year -- and whenever cancer allowed it -- he'd lash out at the world because he was hurting; and every night prayed for death. Although I could almost feel his pain, I couldn't give it to him. With the exception of my sons, I didn't have any other source of strength other than my own. Joe, Lou, and I took turns to take care of him around the clock as he also couldn't be left unattended. His pride was so strong he didn't want to be a burden to anyone up to the very end.

Holding back the tears is giving me a headache, so I'm beginning to let them flow. Sometimes I feel as if a part of me died with him, but when I watch my sons smile or listen to them speak I see so much of my Dad in them that I realize that he never left.

I wish I had come across sites like this one 12 years ago, if only to relieve the loneliness, anger, and hurt of a broken down son who displayed so much strength and confidence back then that people thought he didn't have any feelings or couldn't care less. Little did they know that was nothing but one of the many masks caregivers have to wear.

Welcome to Aging Care, and don't be a stranger now.
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Thank you for the thoughts -
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So how is he at cooking turkey? Yes, it can be fun, at times. Hope your Thanksgiving is blessed.
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He drives alot. Goes to the restaurant every morning at 7 am for breakfast, then for a drive in the country or to his brothers. I ride with him sometimes and his driving is good, good reaction time, good stops, etc.

Unfortunately, he doesn't understand how food is packaged these days. He puts stuff that should go in the microwave on the stovetop, which creates a problem. He has a microwave, but the technology is above his current understanding.

He's not really confused, but cannot communicate as his "search menu" is not working; can't come up with the words he wants to say. He's more frustrated than confused.

Life is fun...
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Hi Judy and welcome to the site. You will find that this is not only an incredible support group - there are lots of us who will listen and understand - but there is a wealth of information to help you along your way. Kinda scary that your dad still drives but yet "tried to burn the house down" - I hope it was a cooking accident and not intentional. How is he doing cognitively? Is he confused?

It's so hard to get older folks to accept that they need help. They fight so hard to retain their independence, and probably what they see as their dignity. It can be difficult to find someone with the right personality and someone who "clicks", but once you find that person for your dad they will become YOUR best friend, as well as his. I had to go through several people to help Mom before I finally found the right match. She did the same thing - making them feel unwelcome, and I suspect she actually "fired" one of them because she never returned. That was OK because the lady wasn't that good. Would your dad do better if you found a guy who could help your dad?
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Pa does have two hearing aids; he has had them for years as his hearing is so bad and he knows it. I send them in for repair periodically. Right now, he needs new ones, but that's kind of out of the question. Therefore, we're going to get new ear molds, which will help, but he must get his ears cleaned before they will make the molds. Now getting him to go to the doctor to get his ears cleaned ...

He likes to blow off the lady who comes to cook for him, so if he does that too often, we can't pay for her to come if he's not there.

It all just piles up after a while. Don't always know how to handle it or what words will work this time...as I'm sure you understand...
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Welcome, Judy! Hope you find the support and answers you need here. We can relate...
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Judy-you have come to the right place no matter what the problems caregivers have other will be very encourageing -this site saved my sanity while being a caregiver for many years for my husband -he passed away 5 months aho tomarrow. I still come back here because I made so many friends and hopefully help others with cargiving and medicare and medicaide and things that have to be done when a spouse dies. You will meet such great warm folks here who will help keep you going and we did have a blessing of the day theme that I think needs to be started again-no matter how bad things are there is always something to be thankful about. You are right sissies need not apply for this job of caregiving. Your father probably does not use a hearing aide-most older folks do refuse my MIL broke hers and when it was fixed she threw it away. It is great you got someone to go in and fix his lunch stoves are dangerous for older folks. Welcome to this site,
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