I've been taking care of my mother for 10 years. It just gets harder every day. She's draining the life out of me.
I honestly don't think she cares because her ailments and needs are first and foremost in her mind. Everything that goes wrong in her life is my fault. No matter what I do to help her it's not enough. I have taken her to every medical specialist for all her ailments. I have found every possible way to help her. She spews venom at me regularly. Then there will be a change in the wind and she will show appreciation. I walk on eggshells when I'm around her because I don't know what will set her off at any given time. Then I reach a point where I can't take it any more and I blow up like a volcano. Yesterday was one of those days. I had been blamed all week for everything that went wrong. I went to pick her up for an appointment and she wasn't coming down to the lobby of her building. I waited, waited not to call up and aggravate her; finally I called up and told her she was now late and she blamed me for giving her the wrong time. I had called her 30 minutes before pick up time to remind her to get ready and be down in the lobby. I had called her the night before and told her to write down the time. Apparently, I had changed the times on her, I had deliberately given her the wrong times!! It was my last straw and I lost it. My body was wracked with uncontrollable shaking, I cried unconsolably, I screamed, I was out of control. Yet, it did not phase her. I'm crazy. I'm mean. She seems to forget that I have a full time career and a family and my own health issues. All of that is secondary to her needs. I feel like I'm trying to save a drowning woman who is standing on my shoulders while I'm standing under water. On top of it all, I feel guilty for not being able to control my temper and resentment. I want her out of my life but she's my mother and there are no options. I feel trapped by moral obligation and duty. She's in so much pain and so debilitated that she relies on me for everything. I catch myself wishing for God to remove this burden from her and from me. Which only makes my Catholic guilt more acute.