I am the caregiver for 83-year-old mother. I do not like my mother and find it really hard to be compassionate and loving....

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Because she was never a compassionate and loving mother,She is a narcissit with mild Alz.. and depression. This is only going to get worse, I know. I struggle with the fact that I should be a better daughter and caregiver. I have 2 brothers that are not at all involved.

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Hey there NancyMurphy,

the fact that you have stepped up makes you a very good daughter and caregiver!!
I was in a similar situation, but without siblings. It was a long road and it did get worse before it got better. but it did get better!!
There are so many people caring for parents that either had BPD, with the accent on narcissism, or moms that were, shall we say, less than warm and fuzzy when we were growing up and now the kids are faced with what you are faced with now.

Keep venting because I know for sure that it helps. It saved my life and you will hear all kinds of advice and stories here so you won't feel so isolated while you care for your mom.

good luck and keep venting/posting!
lovbob
I've been there, too, Nancy. Am there still.

My mom is also 83. When I first moved back home to take care of her and dad, mom and I butted heads constantly and got into a couple of nasty fights. During one, she said, "You just want me to die, don't you?" I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying something to the effect of "Please!" Then, of course, I would spend the following hours and days feeling guilty for being such a horrid daughter.

Two things saved me:
1) I got out of the house. Mom tends to look at things negatively a lot and also has unpredictable outbursts of anger. Being around her 24/7 was eating me up (and probably her too); I started getting rash outbreaks like never before. So my dad helped me buy an RV and set it up in their backyard. I'm only steps away if they need me, but have my private kitchen, bedroom, bath, tv, and safe haven.

2) I got a part-time job, then later a full-time job as their health improved and I had little to do as caregiver. Now I check in with them after I get in from work, spend about an hour or so watching tv with them, then go to my RV.

My mother and I are able to tolerate and even enjoy each other when we only see each other 2 hours a day. Don't know if any of this would work in your situation, but it saved my relationship with mom.
You are not alone. I have spent most of my life avoiding my mother. Growning up with her was hard. There was no really mothering at all. She lived life in her own "reality". Was very OCD(cleaning was her addiction). Her clean house came above and beyond us and my father. Mom had very unique strict religious views. My father worked all the time to avoid her. I can remember learning to cook at a young age to feed my younger brother and I. She hardly ever cooked for us(cause she was cleaning) I feel that she stole my childhood away.I can clearly remember when I started to go thru puberty mom even told me it was a punishment from god cause I was bad. I could tell you stories for days! I really hated this woman. Hate is really mild to say!!
Now I am here taking care of her for the last 2yrs. No help from siblings!NONE !!My husband and I gave up our home to move in with mom.I feel at times she is now stealing my adulthood away as well.
For the longest time when I still had this resentment. I treated my caregiving of mom like patient I looked after. I slowly became a daughter looking after her mother.
You will too find your way to get thru this. You are a wonderful person for the fact that you stepped up to help your mother.
I now feel good about myself knowing that I am doing the best I can. Focus on today and tomorrow not the past, you will feel better!!
.
Thank you, thank you everyone....I am faced with much of the same issues and my Mom, too wasn't the "warm & fuzzy" kind. She has Alz. & is now losing her vision as well. I had 2 brothers, neither of which was very involved. My younger brother was her "baby" & capitalized on that & my older brother, who lives in Canada, had a falling out with her more than 20 years ago & they haven't spoken since. In Aug. '09 my younger brother passed and in Mar. '10 my daughter also so it's really been a push. I had to move in with her & have succeeded in having her move to Asst. Living. I see her at least a couple times per week & it always winds me up. I am learning to "compartmentalize" before I go too nuts myself. So, to all of you in this rather large & heavy boat with me, blessings & kudo & thanks to everyone. You are my lifeline today to a better tomorrow.
You are a good daughter, my mother-in-law moved in with us 4 months ago. I know the emotional stress can be over-coming. My husband has a sister and brother that offer nothing. Over the holiday's, they never called or came to visit. How sad is that. It is the hardest situation I have been faced with in my entire life.
Being a full time care-giver for her is exhausting.
My solace is walking my dog and clearing my thought's. Patience was never one of my virtues. So hugs to you and God Bless you through this journey we face together.

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