Taking care of both parents.

Started by

I'm 45 years old. I am an only child, and have been here to take care of parents. Dad has many issues, mom now has a few issues, and all i can do is obess over their well being.. I have been taking care of dad for 5 years off and on. Now dealing with my mother and her issues on top of that, is driving me crazy. I know I need to get my own life but its hard.. I feel guilty, like i have failed them by not wanting or able to continue to take care of them. I did see out help. I hope that helps me get passed this..

12 Comments

Well, you will find lots of empathy here. You are very young to be doing this. If you do not get it figured out now, you are in for a couple of decades of drudgery.

I totally get "not wanting to." I deal with that every day--first it was with my mom and now it is with my husband. Each day brings new tiny bit of responsibility. Like the beginning of a rock slide with tiny bits of gravel falling. I first resent each new bit but then I realize that each one, taken alone, is really tiny and no big deal. (Except for taxes and insurance papers!!!!)

Read, read, read on this site. It will really open your eyes and let you know that you are not alone.

Can you tell us more about "seeking help"? where, how, how much?

How are you getting away for breaks???
gladimhere
5 mins ago
If Garden is correct in what your question is be very careful of companies such as what she provided the link to as often they charge sums of money to help. Call the VA to ask questions like this. Their staff have been very helpful to vets that are entitled to benefits.
Garden, AC has policy against listing links in responses partially in an effort to protect the people that regularly use this website.
What state do you live in? Several states can now pay family members or friends to provide service if the person lives with you. The average reimbursement / stipend is $1000 a month, per person, tax-free.
Where do you go to find help financially to care for parents? bettyA2007
So what is your question? If you do not feel you can care for your parents, then get them professional help. Not everyone is suited for caregiving.
3930 helpful answers
wilson20886, you have a lot going on and you do deserve to have your own life, too. At your age, you shouldn't be completely eaten up by caregiving. I'd suggest that you go to www.aging.gov and look under state services. You'll find your state and that will take you to links for services. You may have to try several agencies to see who can provide you with guidance within your community but with diligence you'll find some services. Then you'll have to decide how you want to proceed.

Please keep us update on your progress.
Carol
I think there is one is over simplifying the issue. I have been in your same shoes, mom passed away in 2012 after a long battle with Alzheimer's she should have been in assisted living for years, but after many falls and visit to the ER, my dad finally agreed to allow us to put her in a wonderful place and she enjoyed those last three months more than she had many years befor that are specifically designed for the needs our loved ones haveour loved ones haveand the needs ar My husband and I are 50 years old and we have been doing nothing but taking care of the family businesses and being caregivers to my abusive elderly father he is very bitter and he tends to isolate himself wanting only to spend time with my husband. He has been paying long term care insurance for over 25 years, & I mean thousands of dollars a year. At age 87 he still swears he doesn't need any assistance. We have decided with the help of this website and the fact that we are both suffering different health ailments, that Daddy is going to have to figure it out for himself. We have provided him with all the pertinent information and plan to visit him on a regular basis, but we will no longer be his caregivers and circumstance will force him to seek assistance. This has been many years in coming and we are exhausted and our lives have been stolen from us for the last 10 years. we finally realize daddy will probably outlive both of us at this point. I have had two serious occurrences of cancer and my husband had a major heart attack last October. We were 50 years old when my husband has his heart attack. He was coming home from caring for Daddy all day. coincidence? I don't think so. I think you said you are 48 years old, siblings or no siblings you deserve a life. If your parents don't care enough about you to comply, that is not your fault or responsibility. At least they still have each other and that has to be better then one parent alone. you should not allow yourself to be consumed with guilt...also I wish I had spent more time with my daughter who started college this year... If I feel guilty about anything, it was not always making her a priority over my parents because they were constantly having accidents and ending up in the hospital... My daughter is a straight A student and seemed to be doing fine. I wish I could have those years back with her. I would have taken her and moved out of the state. Hubby and I have her in college in Oregon now and are moving in November out of state 7 hours away... coincidentally to Oregon as well. it's a beautiful state the weather is lovely and everything is less expensive than California. The Oregon shooter came from LA. there are not as many freaks in Oregon as there are in California... Anyway, Daddy has two brothers about his age that live close by... But he is rude and cruel to them and tells them to leave him alone he just wants to talk to my husband. do yourself a favor, and take your life back. Your parents obviously have no problem depriving you of your happiness and peace even though they have had their life. It's your turn. good luck God bless
Oops that should have said ferris1 is over simplifying, it almost seems as though this person has not ever been a caregiver for any amount of time. Hard to say but thats the impression I get.
Please forgive me, I just reread your post and you're only 45 years old and you didn't mention if you have children or not. I hope some of the things I said struck a chord with you anyway, for your sake.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support