Do the surprises and challenges never stop?

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As I was just taking a breath to say maybe things were going to settle down and I can get part of my life back, then big laugh on me. Found out that my mom had taken a loan out to buy / build this new house, $84,000 (quick background: mom started building a house in Nov. 2015, had a dietetic event in January 2016 has not recovered). With the interest some how it is $96,000 now. This just makes me want to cry. Trying to figure out how long she can be in an ALF before needing full time memory care. But now we have to start paying back this loan. Oh but wait, she will not let us sell this house. Lawyer says I can't because she has not been deemed incompetent and has the right to keep it. But doctor says she can not be trusted to manage her insulin meds. Seriously, this is to much. Sigh, Scream, Cry.


Tattochick, that is why many of us here have imaginary football helmets to wear when we bang our heads against the wall. Or laying back our ears [like an animal does when they are ready to attack]. We all feel that way one time or another.

Makes you wonder why our parent(s) do what they do. I remember my Dad at 90+ was thinking about buying a new house, one with just one level. Thank goodness that idea was short lived.

Does your Mom feel she will be moving into that new house once it is finished? Does Mom understand she needs to pay back the loan? Ask her how she plans to do this? Let her make the suggestions, then that way it becomes her idea.
Could you clarify some issues please?

1. A loan to purchase an existing house is different from one to build, which would be a construction loan. It's a short term loan generally planned to last during the construction period and sometimes a little beyond to allow a certificate of occupancy to be obtained. But there needs to be aa "permanent" or 'take out" loan to protect the lender. The take-out loan pays off the construction loan and substitutes a longer term, amortized loan.

2. A construction will amortize upward as construction draws are made monthly and the amount of funds are paid to the builders and subs.

Is this house partially completed? What's necessary to complete it?

3. What kind of "dietetic event" was involved, or do you mean "diabetic event"? I'm thinking the latter. If so, then apparently there are some long term medical issues arising from this event?

4. You're wise to try to predict when a memory care facility might be needed, but I don't think there's necessarily a time line, although knowing the type of Jan. 2016 event that occurred might be somewhat predictive if factored in with other medical issues.

5. If you're thinking about memory care, I assume some dementia is involved. Has your mother executed any powers of attorney? The comment about the attorney stating that she's not incompetent suggests that she may have executed a POA, but it's a springing one, contingent on a dementia diagnosis. Is this correct?

6. Unless you're a co-mortgagor, it's not your obligation to pay back the loan, although I understand that you feel the need to do this on behalf of your mother.

7. Being unable to manage meds doesn't necessarily mean she can't manage her finances.

8. What I'm also wondering is how old your mother is and what other assets she has. Lenders take that into account with older people.

I can fully understand the stress you're under. It would help if you could provide more information, specifically:

(a) Status of the house construction, whether it can be sold now or still requires additional work. If the latter, and if your mother won't be able to live there, I would immediately contact the lender and discuss options, one of which might be a deed in lieu of foreclosure to cede title back to the lender. It would typically hire a contractor to complete construction and sell the house.

(b) However, you have the issue of losing the equity in the house, if there is any at all. This may be a factor in ALF or memory care.

(c) Sigh, or better yet scream or cry. Even better yet, do something you enjoy that allow you to relax enough to think clearly. You have some options, but the situation isn't clear yet.

(d) Do you have any family resources or support?

I think others will address other financial issues such as assuming bill payment obligations, etc.

Posted: 5:52 EST, 24 Aug., 2016.
@freqflyer - the house was competed in May. She was released from rehab on June 1st (was there from Feb 2nd until June 1st after the lengthy hospital stay.). Her short term memory is just not their and she is on insulin shots, a sliding scale which means she is taking up to 6 shots a day. She also does not remember to check her sugar. So, we had aids there, but the cost was crazy and she finally throw them out of the house, the new house. So, she is allowing me to move her to an ALF, for she does not want to live with me. Thought we had a budget plan, because we also know she is going to need more memory care as that gets worse. Now things have to be reworked.
In some families, being a caregiver to an elder is like being a mudflap. You have to deal with the decision to drive thru the puddle, catch all the mud with no input on how the truck is driven.
@GardenArtist let see where to begin.

1.It was a loan to buy the land, not build the house. Some how that was paid for in full.

2. The house was completed in May, after a four and a half month stay at a rehab center, she was released to go home. I was able to move her basics in, but the whole time trying to talk her into no not moving in. The house is a two story home on the water. CRAZY!

3. Yes, I meant diabetic event. She was found on the floor, by a companion aide we had visiting her a few times a week, as she lives an hour from me. We do not know how long she was unconscious. Are best guess is her sugar lot had it's last entry at 6 pm the night before, where she usually checks it the last time at 10 pm and then the first time by 7 pm. She was very good at checking and logging the info. The aide found her at 9 am. Could have been 10 to 12 hours, just don't know. The hospital stay was 12 days. the first five she did not speak, barely alert. When she finally started speaking, she thought it was 1945 and she lived at an address from over 30 twenty years ago. To rehab she went. Things have improved, amazingly but she has a problem retaining new information and just does not seem interested in moderating her diabetes. So, hired back the home companions.
She was giving them a hard time when they remind her to take the meds. Some kind of argument happened 2 weeks ago mom fired the aides, and will not let any back in. Did I mention she has had 3 bad falls, 4 ambulances out to the house and one hospital stay since June 1st. SO, I or my husband have been staying with her until we move into the ALF. Count down until Aug. 31st.

4. I do agree that not being able to manage meds, does not mean you can do finances. When I ask her about bills, or insurance on the new house, or savings. She is not interested and tells me she has to think about it. I am just trying to make sure she is not getting into trouble.

5. She is only 71, so many more years of life are expected, but the doctors say that she the diabetic event / coma is like a head trauma and their is know way of knowing truly how much damage was done. As she continues to age her memory will become worse, this just may have speed it along.

6. You are correct about the POA being contingent on a dementia diagnosis. Is this correct. She is the only owner on the house, so she has to agree to sell it. It is paid for, except for the land, which I guess she purchased a few years before actually starting to build.

7. I have my husband, how is holding down the home front an hour away (no kids) and working and then he has been coming to mom's on the weekend so I can work (have my own business). My brother has been down for a few long weekend from Maryland, but he is still recovering from the lost my my nephew who committed suicide in May.

8. I have been trying to watch movies, talk to friends on the phone, but definitely feeling isolated. I was finally starting to feel OK, ALF paperwork done, move in date finalized, movers hired. Then this just makes me worry. Selling the house would help get rid of the debt, and possible be able to save / invest some for her to pay for her care.

Wow that was a lot to time. Thanks for taking the time to ask.
Not all persons with dementia do need memory care. The primary reasons for going to memory care are wandering (they need a secure environment to be kept safe) or behavior disturbing to the other residents. If neither of those conditions occur, Mom may be fine in ALF indefinitely, or until she needs more care that a nursing home could provide.

But whatever level of care she needs, it must be paid for. Does the ALF you have picked out accept Medicaid, in case Mother runs of money in the future?

Hang in there! Mom will be going to ALF soon, and her attitude about the house might gradually change. Also you may get a formal dementia diagnosis, enabling you to take over her finances.

One step at a time. Get Mom settled into the ALF.

To answer your post title question, No, the challenges and surprises never stop. Sometimes handling them gets a little easier with practice.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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