Are we suggesting throwing our elderly parents under the bus?

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I don't think so! We've got folks who write in describing narcissistic and at times abusive parents who, due to codependency issues, are wearing an adult child into an early grave. In those situations, some of us suggest stepping away from the situation in order to let professionals take over, or to ask for assistance in getting a parent placed after a hospitalization because living alone is no longer feasible.


i dont think your question explains itself very well ba8a.
the two elders ive given so much time to not only would care for me if i were down but HAVE . i ended up at my moms house 7 yrs ago because i was on a wicked hepc chemo treatment , working 1/2 mile from her house and too sick to drive home after a four hr workday . she was glad to have me stay there , helped me with my bills and nourished me back to health . ditto aunt edna , 15 yrs earlier . divorce , rough hepc tx , edna took me in and put meat back on my bones . they are powerful figures in my life and i could never repay them enough .
What breaks my heart is the number of postings about getting paid for living with mom. So Sad. Too many young people have not got a clue how to take care of themselves and still expect their grandmother to use her SS check to support two and three generations hence.
Cap, I'm posing this question because several new posters, in responding to various threads, have suggested that some of us are hard-hearted, ungrateful children who are proposing abandoning our parents. I don't think anyone here does that. In cases where the parent needs more care but only wants one particular child to be the caregiver, sometimes stepping aside is the only way to save oneself. I think that yours is an extraordinary story, and that you are a pretty extraordinary guy!
Very, very rarely have I seen any under-the-bus-throwing here. Sometimes it seems mentally ill parents are doing that to caregivers.

But if new poster perceive it they certainly are welcome to explain their thoughts. We don't require uniformity of thinking here, and multiple approaches help provoke new insights.
im out in the garage canning apples but this conversation is still kickin around in my mind . i wonder if theres anyone here who hasnt recieved help from their parents when they were young and struggling .
what would your parent do for you right now if the roles were reversed ?
pam , i think multigenerational household not only make sense but in this rough economy are making a comeback . i bought some tomatos from a 70 ish yr old man last week who hooked his daughter and SIL up with a couple acres to build a house on and said it was the best move he ever made in his life .
mom and i were domestic partners . hanging with edna has forestalled the multiple loss but itll catch up to me .
i get your drift tho pam . if living with and caregiving for a parent is ones arrangement , ya shouldnt hear much bitchin out of them . it can be a pretty equitable business deal .
Captain, I think there are a lot of people here who didn't receive help from their parents when they were young and struggling. Some people were abused by their parents, or neglected, or exploited. I don't recall getting help when I was struggling because they couldn't provide the kind of help I needed. No hard feelings, but I got my support elsewhere.

Your elders would have and did help you. You helped them. All is cool. No bus in sight.

My sisters and I helped our mom stay in the community and then eventually go into a nursing home. No bus in our itinerary, either, though some people think, by definition, that placing your elders in a care center is throwing them under the bus.

Some posters here are under the bus's wheels themselves, and need encouragement to extricate themselves. Some posters see this encouragement as wrong and think we should sacrifice for our parents no matter what.

Lots of different views. As I say, I don't see much abandonment going on.

Nor do I think that caregivers who need to receive some compensation are wicked people who are exploiting their parents. Sorry, I've seen too many situations up close and personal that don't fit that mold.
Neither my father nor my husband's mother had the means to help us out. My father dropped dead without needing advanced care. May you live so long and die so quick. My MIL on the other hand developed dementia, and we are overseeing her care and finances. My sister is disabled, I am her Guardian per my fathers wishes. He paid the court fees to get it done. It's a moral obligation to take care of family.
I see my sister every weekend. Two other sisters live far away, but they do keep in touch, stay updated and will kick in if little sis needs a TV or furniture or a new winter coat. We make it work.
I just don't see assisted living as throwing my MIL under the bus. Leaving her in her house was totally unsafe. Letting her drive was extreme danger to others. Her bills were a mess, the water was going to be shut off, because she hates water bills and won't pay them. It was more like she was waiting to be hit by the bus and we pulled her to safety.
Part of me thinks, some of the newbies have yet to walk in our shoes. The sky is still blue, Mom is fun to have around and life is good. The reality down the road is sometimes so totally different. Some posts are just heartbreaking and yet, you all manage to get up every day and do the best you can. Caregiving added another dimension to my compassion for others in this role. God bless you all!

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