Mom is so stubborn!

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94 y.o. mom, still insists on living alone. on oxygen, weighs 95 lbs, wobbly, unsteady, barely eats. still mentally capable of making her own decisions, and has stubbornly refused, for 10 years now, to give up her home. in past year, she truly has become a danger to herself, forgetful, easily confused, and very weak. 6 kids have exhausted every tactic, persuasion, argument, and still she won't budge. I am closest, and I live 90 minutes from her. worried sick, as are my siblings. has anyone dealt with this?

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My 84 yr old Mom will listen to my Brother but, for whatever reason, won't listen to me. I believe it's a "gender/generational" thing. So I discuss her needs with my Brother (who, btw, semi-lives with her). She's never drunk much water and now with taking a dozen pills daily, needs to drink more water to stay hydrated. Several times she's ended up in the hospital for simply being dehydrated; her comment on that is "it's easier to have an IV than to guzzle 3 bottles of water a day..." Recently she's been dizzy and just heads to bed. Blood work and md visit(s) haven't pin-pointed the reason just yet. I wear SeaBands on my wrists due to an inner ear problem, and have suggested her to try them...she simply refuses without any reason. She thinks she's "getting the run around" at the doctors. It's extremely frustrating because I know I can get her to a better place in her late life. I'm just here for "the call" and meet the ambulance at the hospital.
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My Mom too is stubborn. What it boils down to trying to hold on to any independence ( ie: YOUTH!) they can. It's sad.
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Life alert saved my mothers life twice, before I moved in to care for her.HIGHEST recommendation. Inexpensive too and SO worth it!
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I don't think it's just stubbron. It is so sad to read these posts about people who used to put their families ahead of themselves reverting to the emotional state of 2 year olds. (I want, I want , I want) This seems to happen with or without dementia. Will we who are cargivers now, soon become the self absorbed elders needing care. UGH!
I ask my MIL who did you do something for today? If it is true that there is more happiness in giving than in receiving, maybe that's why so many elders are so unhappy. If they can talk they can call a friend, If they can write they can send a card. they can smile at their caregiver. I pray to God I remember this in 20 years. Encourage your mother to do something for someone else.
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I also have a stubborn mom who is the primary cg to my dying dad. I had removed their throw rugs a month ago for fall prevention with my dad's decline & visited last week & the rugs were back!! wtf? Does she want to risk her or dad falling & end up back in the hospital??? Just when I think things are in place & going well, these little things happen. Sooo frustrating!!!!
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My mother is just as stubborn. Will not even think about her future when her ability to do things declines. She has no plans and assumes I will take care of the situation when she comes to that point in her life. Having DPOA means nothing as long as she has the competence to make decisions. The elderly have no right to put this type of burden on their adult children. How fair is it to allow the elderly to have these rights while the adult children are expected to take on the responsibilites to ensure their rights to choose?
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Thank you to all for your comments and suggestions. Mom does have a life alert button, and we have found someone to come in 1x/week(all Mom will agree to) to do light cleaning and laundry for her. She uses a chair in the bath. All small rugs are gone. Has a cane and a walker, both of which she refuses to use, because they make her look old (my 9 y.o. grandaughter thought that was so funny - said "well, Grandma, you are kinda old.)
Feel blest to have her in my life, but just get so frustrated with her stubbornness sometimes....
Hugs to all of you out there!
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My mother and I have an arrangement where she checks in once a day via email. We've also discussed getting a LifeAlert button that she can wear around her neck in the case of an accident or injury.
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I think a medical alert bracelet or pendant is a must.I told my Mother, if you want to stay at home you have to wear this medical alert, a small price for your freedom to stay at home. Lets face it in the end she can just as easily fall in a nursing home as at home. I threw all small carpets out that she can trip on, safeguarded the house and made sure there is someone there to give her her bath twice a week.
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nana12345, it might help to accept that your mother is going to die in the next several years, whether she stays in her home, goes to assisted living, is in skilled nursing facility, or goes to live with one of you. She could surprise us all, but she probably has less than 5 or 6 more years. Nothing you can do will change that.

Probably what your real goal is is to prevent suffering. Is that right? What measures might you take that would contribute toward that goal? A medical alert system comes to mind. Meals on Wheels or some method of seeing that she has meals she does not have to prepare. Two calls from her children daily (on a rotating basis). Perhaps someone to help her bathe weekly. Certainly housekeeping help. What else?

You cannot ensure that she lives forever. Is there anything that could reduce her risk of suffering? Perhaps she could accept that more readily than what she sees as loss of control.

You thought she needed to give up her house ten years ago. By being stubborn, she was able to have a full decade of additional "independence." Maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

I like the story EMilie shared. If Mom truly is "still mentally capable of making her own decisions," maybe your focus could be on how to minimize the risks inherent in her decisions.
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