Stressed with "life in your face" and nobody notices

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my sister and i have been taking care of my mon and dad for almost 3 years..the last few months they have been in a nursing home but require sitters. we rotate days. it is 163 miles rt for me.mama has alheimerzs and dad congestive heart failure. he died last week. my third sister had said she wanted no part of the family until will time. the will reads whatever is left to be divided equally among us three. is there anyway we can stop this? and i hvae searched numerous webs to help me with gas. is there such a thing or people that will help? thanks for ansering 2 questions


my heart goes out to you. please accept my condolences on the loss of your father and the fact that you are under such stress.

All you can do is get an attorney and he/she will probably end up getting way more than your estranged sister's share, meaning that the attorney will get some of yours too.

This is indeed stressful, but do you really want to open this bucket of worms? It will keep the stress alive in you for a lot longer than necessary than if you just say screw it, she didn't help but I'm letting it go so it doesn't make me any more sick.

Just a thought...

dln, I am sorry for the loss you have had of your dad. That must be very difficult for you, along with caring for your mother's decline as well. I can't advise, as I'm not getting much good cooperation from attorneys. But I can pray for your comfort, strength, and direction. How can the nursing home force you to be a sitter? I've not heard of that. I imagine you must be very weary. Sorry to hear about your mom, as well. I pray you and your caregiving sister get a break, and some compensation for all you've done. Take care of you, as well as you can. Bless you for all you are doing for your mom.
I think what you are saying is that you and your sister are sitting with your mother rather than paying a person to be a "sitter" for your mother. That way you are also spending more time WITH your mother while you can.

Since you are finding your third sister NOT helping bothersome to you, why not consider cutting down on the days you go and sit with your mother. Ask the nursing home to provide sitters for your mother three days a week and have you and your other sister each go only once each week. Your reduced work load will increase the pleasure you have the one day you do visit and you will resent your third sister less. The money spent on the professional sitters will come out of the estate, therefore making it fair that all of you will be paying for your mother's care. On the days you don't go and see your mother you can concentrate on your own life just like your third sister is doing all the time. Since your mother is suffering from Alzheimer's, be fair to yourself and understand that your mother will not notice who is sitting with her.

When the will is read you will have the pleasure of knowing that you made your weekly visits to your mother with pleasure. The money remaining to divide by three will be a true amount left to divide by 3.

I know that isn't fair that your sister is getting her share, but in reality, she really isn't. No amount of money or possessions can equal the quality time that you and your other sister has spent with your dad and now your mom. It is your sister, that wants no part of anything except for money, that is the loser in this.

Forget about the will. Honestly, nothing can compensate for your time and energy spent. You still come out on top because you are there and obviously care. Money is money, but there is nothing like being there to say goodbye and letting your parents know that you will be ok.

Best Wishes and Condolences
dln: so sorry for your loss.

About that deadbeat sister of yours, forget about her. Go on with your other sister and continue on taking care of your mom.

The will is what it is and parents always want to make sure thier children are taken care of. There's nothing you can do about that.

But may I ask is your mom is still in the Nursing HOme, why does she require "sitters". Isn't that what the staff is there for?

Love, when it's pure, sometimes clouds our better judgement and we end up overdoing things. I don't see the need of taking turns with your 2nd sister and traveling so much and so often to care after your Mom. She's in a nursing home! I could understand if it's one of those places designed to make people sick or sicker, but I presume she's on a good place. Use the phone dear, and call the staff for updates. Or, with the money you spend on gas traveling back and forth, get your mom a cell phone so you can chew the fat often and she doesn't feel abandoned or "discarded."

About the Will, I wouldn't contest it. People say "blood speaks," and sometimes we wish for a transfusion. But don't push her away and don't rub it in if she calls. Dad's gone and Mom is in a nursing home. That's too much to handle for a lot of people, and she's probably hurting. If that's not the case, then let her get what's coming to her. She might think it's worth it at first, and later realize that being at peace with your conscience is priceless.
Thank you, Ed!

I vote for transfusion!
dln, your folks no doubt didn't want to cause trouble with you girls when they originally made out their will, so they kept it equal. I also agree that you should arrange someone other than you and your sister to 'sit' with your mom. I agree too that this would cause you less resentment towards the sister that isn't doing anything, taking unneeded stress off you and your other sis. Enjoy the time you have left with your mom, and also enjoy NOT having to be there constantly because she's being taken care of. The way the third sister acts towards money is probably nothing new to you anyway, don't sweat it.

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