So stressed with Dad living with me, losing ways of coping.

I sat down to play cards with the rabbit and thought about the situation many of us find ourselves in. We have people depending on us. We care enough about them to not want to put them out, but they drive us crazy. The only solution I can think of when there is no dementia is a family session. I would start it off with mentioning what we could all do to make life together more pleasant for everyone. Then we would talk about the tasks each one is willing to do. For tgengine's father, if he could contribute for the groceries, clean his quarters (or get a maid), tend his dogs, and take out his garbage, it would make life happier. Maybe there is something else he could do to give himself purpose as a family member. We all want responsibilities, no matter how mundane they might seem.

I was thinking it would be great if the father could meet a woman he was interested in spending time with. That would get Dad out of the house. Wouldn't that be great?

I just had this great fantasy about my own almost-90 year old mother. I would love if some Prince Charming came in and swept her away. That would solve all the problems -- loneliness, dependency, and mostly her always being here. I bet she would feel 10 years younger, too.

But I dream...

I think that TG is a Prince among men. I also think that his dad has cognitive decline of some sort and that it should be looked into and called what it is. He's got an awful lot on his plate. A good therapist could help him sort stuff out and resolve some complex feelings and family issues.

Jessie, very compassionate insightful and understanding observations. Tgengine has been trying and is sincere, and at least he doesn't rant and rave about how he might hate his siblings or his parents like some of the posters. Some of the more unstable and reactionary posters get a lot of sympathy, yet they probably will do nothing to change the situation. Tgengine is trying.

I support your suggestions.

Hey, guys. Why don't we let tgengine vent without trying to tell him everything wrong with him. The things he is saying sound like half of the people on the group. People need to be able to talk without people jumping in to put some kind of blame on them or tell them something is wrong with him. Could be that tgengine is just a jewel among people and he's dealing with some goats. Let the man talk. Many of us know what he is saying. I get a feeling that tgengine has a strong sense of responsibility that is his nature. That is not a bad thing.

I hope your daughter and SIL can find work soon so you can have one bit of peace back in the house. Then you can figure out what's best to do with Dad. I know what you mean about him not helping. My mother won't even write things on the shopping list. Drives me absolutely crazy.

Neurocognitive testing for dad. Therapy for you.

I know, it would be easy to say but harder to do. I do specifically say things like "Dad, your dog needs a bath and nail clipping", "Dad, this needs to be done to your car", Dad. why don't you talk your dog for a walk to get some air for both of you, use a walking stick", "Dad, we are going out for (specific time) can you let the dogs out"?.... None of it happens........ But he does leave the chocolate syrup upside down in the fridge to announce to me that we are out, or the glass milk jug in the sink.... does he buy any? Noooooo but he will make a trip to buy fruit for himself.... So I don't buy chocolate syrup or the kid of local milk he likes.... I will see how long it lasts.......

Tgengine - if you are doing things for your dad that you know your dad can do for himself then you are providing too much care. It's not good to "overcare" just like it's not good to overeat.

If you want him to participate then ask him to *do* something around the house and be *specific*. Learn to say things like:

"Dad, here is a list of things we need from the grocery store."

"Dad, please make plans for yourself for Saturday night from 6 pm to 9 pm because [insert wife's name] and I are having company over."

"Dad, here is the vacuum clearer. Breathing in dust and pet dander is unhealthy. Please vacuum the carpeting in your room."

"Dad, here is the carpet cleaner and rag. Please clean the mess your dog made on the [insert location of mess]."

"Dad, please clean up the kitchen from the sandwich you made for yourself at lunch. We need a clean kitchen to prepare dinner."

Just learn to say the things that you need him to do and stopping wishing for it to happen. He's not a mindreader! You may very well be providing too much care for your dad and it's backfiring on you.

Don't worry I am taking care of my self watching my health too. I want to be here for the long haul. This has been quite an adjustment. I look at my neighbor who has 2 grown highly educated children who are on the other side of the country and who do keep in touch but don't really do anything for their mother, They are just waiting for the big check. I do enjoy being able to care for dad I just wish he would participate. I guess I could let him do things but I notice it always has to be for show. I have tried to do things and not let anyone notice they were done. Just get the job done no accolades necessary.
I am taking one day at a time. Not sure what has been the status of my SIL, hopefully he has not been drinking this week as he promised. If anything it has helped me to not imbibe. Will have to wait for the weekend for that. One day at a time........
Funny listening to my sister and my dad you'd have thought he was running marathons, all he does it sit since he got home..... Always a different story.

If your life were a sitcom America would be glued to their televisions because the sad fact is that caregivers often die first. Stroking out is no laughing matter and your wife has every right to worry. Here are some facts from the 2009 and 2015 reports Caregiving in the United States, which are the most comprehensive to date about caregiving and the impact it is having:

Nearly 80% of adults in need of long term care depend on their family and friends as their *only source* of help.

The top 3 reasons people report becoming caregivers for a loved one are "old age" (14%), Alzheimer's/dementia (8%), and surgery/wounds (8%).

On average, caregivers provide 25 hours of care each week.

In every single state, the poverty rate among caregiving families is higher than non-caregiving families.

After the Great Recession, 1 in 5 caregivers moved into the same home as their loved one in order to cut expenses.

Nearly half of caregivers have used up their life savings to pay for caregiving expenses.

The National Academy of Sciences reported that caregiving stress continues to impact the immune system for up to 3 years after caregiving ends.

As many as 70% of caregivers exhibit clinical signs of depression.

University of California in San Francisco Department of Psychiatry reported that caregiving stress can take as much as 10 years off a caregiver's life.

Fewer than half of caregivers have a plan in place for themselves.

On top of your dad, you are also living with a daughter who is married to an alcoholic husband. What are *you* going to do if you, god forbid, stroke out?

I can only assume your daughter meant to be humorous, TG. So you will miss him, that's not the point; it's just not your uppermost emotion right now.

Passed out - hit head - had seizure is, as far as I remember, rather more likely to be had seizure - lost consciousness/fell - hit head; but of course there are chickens and eggs to be put in order here. Just keep in mind, in case it does turn out to apply, that stigma and secrecy can actually cause more trouble than the issue itself.

TG, suppose you HAD stroked out yesterday, what would have happened to your family? Would you expect your wife to continue to care for her FIL? You ask "When did I assume to be everyone's caretaker?", the answer seems to be "when you allowed everyone to abuse your generosity". If you became ill or died tomorrow your Dad would have to find a new home and will undoubtedly muddle along just fine, and your kids would need to quit stalling and make a real effort to support themselves, even if it means a lower standard of living. It would be different if you were an extrovert who loved the hustle and bustle of having so many people sharing your home, or if any of them pitched in or showed appreciation for the sacrifices you are making, but it is the opposite of that. One piece of advice I have read on these forums is that you can't be a doormat unless you lie down. So STAND UP!

Your life could be a sitcom, tengine.

I really don't like it when someone tells me I'm going to miss my mother when she's gone. Maybe so, but I miss the life I once had a lot, too. I think people say things that makes themselves feel more comfortable about a situation.

Dad came home yesterday and apparently my BP went nuclear. I came home, he had just driven 6 hours. At least this trip he was hydrated. He was home 3 minutes and it was all about how my sibling took him to the best of places etc.... OK he was excited. I get that, then not even 5 minutes he is making major dramatic noises about the dogs.... I had to put one away. You would have thought the dogs knocked him to the ground.... Then he wants to be Johnny helpful.... then it is "my computer needs to be fixed" "You were not even home 10 minutes I said in my head". So SIL gets home and they are just telling stories while all the dogs are making noise and need to go out. All the time I am trying to work. By the time my wife got home she was afraid I was going to stroke out. I had dinner in the oven half ready for everyone else when they got home and I left, got a store bought salad and went to my training class for 4 hours. Highlight of my night was helping extricate 2 people from a car crash and going to the ER. Pretty bad when that is the highlight of your day......
I am just frustrated. I love my family but in small doses. My daughter said the other day I will miss him when he is gone. I don't ever wish that and that hurt. It is not that I don't want him here, I am glad I can help him its just meet me half way once in a while. Like today, I told him he needed to buy his dog food..... He needs a bath and nail clipping. "I cant do that until next week when I get paid". Crap, if he took that attitude when I was a kid who knows what would have happened to us growing up,
So here I am in the house all nice and quiet, the dogs are sleeping...... that will last for 2 hours then it starts all over again.... When did I assume to be everyone's caretaker?

He hit his head, still not sure of all the pieces, apparently passed out hit his head and ended up seizing for a short time. Most likely a concussion but Drs ruled it out. They have been tougher for 10 years. It is a touchy situation. He and I talked a bit more this AM. it is a start. Will do something today with him to get his mind off it. Have to start somewhere I guess. Daughters out with wife shopping so hopefully we will have a nice dinner tonight and start all over again tomorrow. Get ready for round 2 when dad gets back........
"Winning".... not something I see in my future right now......

Well, any silver lining is better than none! And, of course, you'll be setting a good example; and, of course, exercise is said to be an excellent stress-reliever in itself - like I'd know, the original Miss Lazy Bones, but so it is said.

Hit his head how? Before any of us is inclined to narrow our eyes at this young man and think harsh thoughts, it will be worth checking out what is cause and what is effect. For example, he could be still concussed because he hit his head, or he could have hit his head because there is something else going on that caused him to lose balance or God forbid have some sort of partial seizure... How long have he and Daughter been together?

Not sure what to think with SIL. He hit his head a few weeks ago, ended up in the ER, He had his stitches and he had a seizure while he was out. Had a CT, now just trying to figure out if he has medical insurance so he can get an MRI. I am walking a fine line intervening. Have to do everything with kid gloves. I love my daughter but this guy as I suspected the moment I met him had to be handled one small piece at a time. His upbringing was not terrible just different than ours. Tension is at an all time high here and we are in the middle. I can't say get out as I offered a temporary living arrangement here. He would love it to be permanent as he does nothing on his own. In 3 years we went from just the two of us to five people and 3 dogs in the house. Maybe with this situation I can focus on me and lose some of the stress weight I put on in the past 3 years. Time to start exercise and healthy eating today! Maybe that will help.......

TG, check out Moderation Management. AA is not the only path.

Not sure how much it helps, exactly, having SIL to take your mind off Dad...

Do you think the medical/alcohol problems were also part of the reason Daughter & SIL needed somewhere to live? And were they frank about what was going on at the time, or is this only coming to light now?

Yes, I get it. Id love to be able to do that. I will see how it goes with Dad when he comes home whether he enjoyed it or not. I would really like it if he would go with her for a couple months at a time. While I wish I could say our 2 weeks was nice it has not been. Quite a bit of tension here and daughters are home. Daughter moved in with husband who as an alcohol problem. After a party last night my wife blew her lid as SIL had too much and was sulking. A tense moment was adverted while I sent everyone inside and he and I spoke for a long time. Resulting was he is bothered by a medical issue but the alcohol makes it worse. He and I together will stop drinking for a while (it is the only way to get him to stop and I am a social drinker so it is easy for me). It is either that or AA. I will monitor this to see how it goes and then in a few days we will start to work on the medical issue. He is very Juvenile in his thinking, Mommy did everything for him and now he has to think on his own. So crisis number 2 to deal with!

Many years ago, my parents had my Grandmother living with them...because she couldn't function in her own home.

They lived with her for nearly 10 years. Never any help from the rest of the family. Just constant criticism. Finally, they announce to the family they were taking a 3 trip to get away. Brothers and sisters were to step up and take care of grandma.

Well, the whole thing turned into the family explosion of the decade!

So...my parents announced that they were moving out. (Even though it was their home). They were leaving at the end of the month and the family had better figure it out.

A huge pow wow followed. The cousins accused my parents of abandoning grandma. To which my Mom told them to put up or shut up. Either they have grandma move in with them..or they keep their two cents out of it.

The result of all this was that grandma moved in with her son (my uncle). This lasted just 1 month before he found her a NH and moved her there.

When you back them up to the point of. ... OK. You take him. I'm done. Most will become very quiet and stay that way

Id love to but alas that wont be the story. I am going to encourage him to go there more often such as holidays since she appears to be more willing to get together with the family. I have way too much on my plate right now yes. He may be thriving but she only see what is a small part of time. I am the one who had to deal with getting him to this point not here. But she will take all the credit. He will believe what ever she tells him. It will be all back to normal after he gets back and into our routine. Maye he will change but I doubt it. He can cook anytime he wants, that goes for anyone in this house.

Tgengine, yes, tell your sister that you have a lot ob your plate right now, that some personal issues have come up since she's had him, and that you Really need her to keep him for longer so you can sort them, especially now that things are going so well for them!

Your father is thriving with your sister. You call it a show but whatever it is, it sounds like he would be better off living with her. Change is a good thing, so perhaps it's time to pack up his stuff, ship it to your sister's home, and let her know that you have decided that you're taking a permanent break from caregiving for your dad. Seize the day.

Well, why doesn't your sister take him for two months? Sounds like you have a situation in your house (alcoholic son-in-law) that needs your attention. Time for your sister to keep your father.

Dads been at my sisters for 2 weeks. Iy has been nice as we still have a house full. Guests in for 4 days. daughter and SIL moved in a month ago and other daughter due in this weekend and a party this weekend so no down time for us.
My sister called and asked "how was my break going"? Really? You look at this as you are doing me a favor? I guess this is how divorced parents deal with things? She says to me, "Dad is cooking dinner for us every night, walking up and down the stairs and walking everywhere, of course I have to walk the stairs with him"! Really? First of all he never cooks here unless it is for him, he never even offers, second we have a mile and a 2 mile loop in the development he can safely walk every day, he wont even walk to the mailbox without making it a big deal. He loves to put on a show, how about you take him for 2 years and see what it is like.

I get tired of the show, he called me while she was in the car and made a big deal of what I pay for sat radio for him, he never knew how much it costs.."Take it off my car" he says... Oh he knew, he was again making a big deal in front of her to show how much he cares.... How about you buy some food for the house once in a while...

Sorry, venting again. It would be nice if she took him for a few months. No mention of his dog I have to care for. Oh well enjoy the last week I have.....

I think I tried to watch "what about Bob" couldn't get through it.... As far as dad contributing he has no left over money after his bills and that is OK. I knew this going in. He is not a financial planner so that is why he is where he is. As far as communicating with my sister that would be like talking to someone in a foreign language, neither party would understand. It is just the way it is, they are right and I am wrong.
As far as my wife talking to her, no, that ship sailed when the clean out was in process. My sister can say some mean things and my wife has a habit of not forgetting.
Right now with dad away some pressure is off, I have been so busy with work. Now with my daughter and husband in the house (supposed to be temporarily) we have a different issue. He has been binge drinking every day and tonight I have to have a talk with him before everyone gets home. Apparently when I was away this week he disrespected my daughter and my wife due to the alcohol. I will direct him to some professional help before this gets out of hand. We all drink socially but when it is a rack of beer a day and starting at 6 AM wasted by 5 PM it is not a good thing. Or its most of a rack of beer right after work and all night. He had a problem before the wedding and I thought he had it under control. I have to now remind him he is living in my home and there are certain choices he has to make. I really hate living in crisis 24/7. I am very protective of my daughter and I am not getting in the middle of their issues but when it involves my wife and my home we now have a problem. looks like I have to be the "FIL" and have the respect talk tonight........ Sandwich generation........

TG - How do you think your sister with money would respond if you prepared a list of your dad's monthly expenses and asked that she help support dad? An objective list of dad's expenses (food, dog food, vet bills, carpet cleaner, money for oysters) is about him, not you. Are you afraid she'll say no? Can this conversation be had when sister drops dad off? Does your wife have a good enough relationship with your sister that she can get her to help?

Upon dad's return call a family meeting. Be clear that things have changed. Be clear about how what he does makes you feel. Be clear about your expectations of him going forward. Be clear that you won't tolerate him disrespecting your wife or your home anymore.

One small change you can make is hire a maid. If you're not the one cleaning up after him maybe you won't feel so bad.

I think you said he still drives so another small change you can make is take him to the senior center and find him an activity and enroll him. Letting him sit around your house all day is not doing any of you any good.

Another small change you can make is teaching him how to care for his own dog. Being a responsible dog owner means walking them three times a day or every 8 hours, feeding them on a schedule, grooming them regularly, taking them to the vet for vaccinations, and cleaning up after them if they have an accident.

Have you seen the movie What About Bob?

TG, i know that your dad doesn't have the funds for independent living, but he probably has the funds to pay for someone to come in and do some cleaning of the house (instead of you and your wife). That could be his contribution to the household without him actually having to do the work.

TG, curtains on the french doors - privacy for Dad, guests can't see any mess inside.

I get it, my siblings need to participate but we don't talk. I tried for years, my oldest does not even call my dad. He and I don't even speak (my choice) way too much water damage under that bridge. He is not in any financial position to help or would even life a finger to help (can you say narcissist)?
My other sibling has the money and has helped a little but what ever I say will be wrong. In the beginning it was we can split time but the day I inherited dad that train left the station. even if I did bring up the dialog I would be wrong so...... Dad wouldn't last long with them anyway, (does not get along with BIL). I am the last resort and the only one to put up with the BS. He has no money to live on his own so that is not an option. It has to be little changes. I am being a little more tough love than anyone else. Like we don't vacuum his living room or bedroom but he doesn't care.... there gets a point where we have to (it is my house and we keep a very clean home). His living room is the first room guests see (even with a french door). The bathroom is shared withe the kids or guests so it has to be clean, thus we have to do it or in a week it would be filth. So we lose. Of course while he is away we will have to clean... as much as it pains me. When mom died he left others to come in and clean. My grandfather (his dad) used to clean the house and shop and work second shift when I was a kid. Dad will shop but only for himself (fruit, his milk, pickled pig something.) My mom taught me to clean, cook, do laundry, iron, shop etc.... I took his dry cleaning bag away so he has to iron his own shirts vs me PAY for his to be done. it is the little things that grate.
Good news SIL did the lawn today! Yea.... little steps......