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She will not even go grocery shopping with us, she will not let us take her anywhere, not even to the doctor. We are the only ones that live with her in her house. we have been living away for 17 years and just moved back a year and half ago. She despises me her step daughter, when she used to love me, I do not understand this change in behavior. I do so much for like cleaning, and making sure her pill box is full, she eats meals on wheels, but she will not let me pick up her meds when the pharmacy calls, she always says, "I don't need that"! I take out the trash, vacuum and pick up around the house keeping it neat as she likes and I get no credit for any thing I do!!! I'm not looking for a medal of honor just some appreciation and not the mean words and actions from her, she always makes faces at me behind my back in front of whom ever is in the room. She makes me feel like she hates me! This makes it very difficult to take care of her when she will not let me buy her meds from the pharmacy and her groceries or even just get her out of the house for lunch. All she does is just lay around and watch tv and nap.

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This makes me so sad, because I had many of the same issues with my mother, who has just recently passed away. When I started going through her things to clear out the house, I found a note she had written to herself in her night stand that said "checks in pillowcase." Still have not found the checks, not that it matters now. The paranoia is really, really hard to deal with. Please try to distance yourself from this, physically but especially emotionally, as much as you can, in order to save your own sanity. God bless.
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My mom is passive-agressive and dementia has made her worse. She even resents that I have to work. I used to get so torn up but now that she is living between my sister and I, I am learning more and more not to take it as personally. She has verbally abused me while alternately loving me to death. Paranoia is part of dementia. I have cut back on my own personal life since she is old and more infirm but there are times where I don't give in because she will never be pleased, and that, too, is part of the disease. And they change their minds, or change their opinions every fifteen minutes.
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Oops, sorry. Dropped my phone. Was going to finish by saying let things play out as they will. They always do. Don't stress out yet:)
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I totally agree with joanie76. Leave her alone and call her once a week to see how she's doing. She probably thinks you deserted her and she is hurt. Check her fridge when you stop by to see if food is fresh. Check the laundry. Take her out for lunch or a drive. Gain her trust, and be sincere. She may have many years ahead when you will need to be more involved. Let the
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Sometimes it is so hard to let them be. My mom cannot get in my car yet ( knee problems ) and she was saying things like. The only time you are happy is when you are out spending my money. So, When I go grocery shopping I make a list and go over it with her and I call her from the grocery when I add to the list, I also give her the receipt when I get home her job is to put the grocery itmes away.
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Yes I Agree. Elderly doesn't mean she cannot have her own. As it is hers...she is retired&alone..take her shopping ..take her out to eat..don't expect her to give it up. She has done for you all her life..and be understanding that she is trying to be independent and not be treated in any bad way.
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just because you have what others call dementia is it ok to take their life away by taking over their affairs? i think if a person cant wipe their own behind and cant remember your name thats different but she sounds like she wants to be alone. why not just try it for a month and see what happens. i dont mean drop off the face of the earth and ignore her so she will say she needs you im just saying back off and let her tell you what she needs. tell her you will still be there for her but think its too soon for her to give up. she can do it on her own. she may be so happy to sit around all day watching tv while eating her meals on wheels without judgement and she will live longer and so will you. its not fair to let anger get in the way and get power of atty and end someones life. it is her life and she has a right to live it how she wants to. she doesnt have to go out with you or to the store or leave her house. she is her own person and it sounds like she has all her marbles to me.
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Does she have her Own Acct in HER OWN NAME?
...IF one of her friends or someone would take her shopping and she could spend her own money that way.
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If she has been independent then you moving back in the house is an intrusion. The behaviors are typical signs of dementia of some degree (the thinking others are stealing, having affairs, paranoia). Best to consult an attorney, have her evaluated by a neurologist, and if she has signs of dementia, then you can adjust your behaviors. Get all the books you can on caring for a person with dementia and they will explain a lot of the behaviors. Above all, DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Remember she loved you before, and all you can do is continue helping her, knowing you are keeping her safe, and when you get overwhelmed, get away from her. Caregiving is very difficult! Hope this helps (from a nurse caring for her 87 yr. old memory impaired husband).
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This is so typical of dementia, I went through it with my Mom years ago also. You need to have her DPOA, is that you, do her shopping and use her money without her knowing. Save the slips because you cannot use her money on yourself. Know that its not her, its the disease and this stage will pass. There are medications so if she refuses to go out, call her doctor, or have her DPOA or Health Care Proxy person call.She cant help it, she does appreciate and love you, try and not take it personal...
Please don’t try and make me Remember…
Don’t try and make me Understand…
Just let me Rest and know you’re with Me…
Kiss my Cheek and Hold my Hand

I’m Confused beyond your concept…
I am Sad and Sick and Lost…
All I know is that I need You…
To be with me at all cost.

Don’t lose your patience with Me…
Please don’t Scold me, Curse, or Cry….
I can’t help the way I am Acting…
Although I will try.

Just Remember that I need You…
And the Best of me is Gone…
Please just stay beside me…
Until my Life is Done.
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You don't mention your Stepmom's age, health condition or why you actually moved in with her after living away for 17 years. If she has had incidents that indicate she needs live-in care, she probably knows that her abilities are wanning and she is petrified. If she is capable of controlling her own affairs and you and your husband just assumed that because she is elderly, she would appreciate your moving in with her, maybe you were wrong and you are "killing her with kindness" or passive aggressive control tactics. In our case, Mom's dementia left us no choice. When my dad died in 2007, it was the same thing. She prophetically accused my sister and myself for trying to take her life from her control. She convinced a family aquaintance that my sister and I were taking her to the cleaners and putting her away. She was actually correct. But we had no choice but to take everything out of her hands. She would have lost it all, maybe even killed someone else by her actions. She was still driving and getting lost regularly. She was cooking and forgetting things were on the stove. She was drinking a bottle of wine a day, by herself. She would forget that she had already had a glass or two or four. We were on the verge of an incompetency/gaurdianship legal action when a close family friend intervened with the aquaintance. Medications zoloft and abilify really have helped with the aggressive, negative attitude. After many tears and arguments, she lives in a very nice ALF. She does complain, and although she loves the place and the people, she hates not being able to come and go as she pleases. It is amazing that she remembers that mantra of accusations, because unless I say, hi mama, she wouldn't recognize me sitting in the room. Your note says you and you husband are her CAREGIVERS, you have assumed the position. It's not easy, but unless the money and anything else that she owns is not needed to provide for her care (maybe you are financially able to provide whatever care she needs, independent from her assets), you must take total control. It won't be easy, but you will feel more guilty and resentful if something happens that you could/should have prevented. Protecting her financial health is as important as her biological health. If she had a fever of 102 would you let her convince you that she didn't need to go to a doctor? No, you would do whatever you needed to do to get her to a doctor. Distastful as it may feel, it is the same thing. At this time, my sister lives closer and has to deal with the majority of appointments and phone calls, so in my mom's warped sense, my sister is the evil one. THERE IS NO REASONING, CONVINCING or RATIONALIZING. When we all go together to my mom's psychiatrist, he asks my sister and I , why does it bother us so badly that she says these hateful things? He then asks us, do we not know that we are doing the best for her under these horrible circumstances? She is a thirteen year old in a 76 year old body. She is smart and manipulative, but she is incapable of making the crucial decisions on what is best for her and also what is detrimental to her well being. If your husband's hope is to continue to being the caregiver, you should get some legal advice to protect her and yourselves. Check on guardianship laws in your state.
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You moved back in 1.5y ago. Why? Economics, or elder care?
Did she request the elder care? If it's economics, are you holding
up your part of the rent deal? I'll assume that you were invited, and you are paying rent. If that's the case, and you are well situated with $, ask her if she'd feel better if you moved out, and be ready to do so. Get poa & mpoa if possible, of course. I'm in a similar situation with my Mom, and after we left, she seems to be bumbling through, and she isn't all hateful. It's only been 2 months, but the sky hasn't fallen. This may be somewhat irresponsible, but she refuses to give POA, and she doesn't always treat us civilly, so we're trying to let go and let God take care of her (with the provision that we will jump in and help, IF ASKED).
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What would happen if you stopped doing everything for her? Would she realize that she DOES need you?
It sounds as though she may be developing dementia. If when left to her own devices, she practices unsafe behavior (such as not taking her meds) you need to speak to her doctor and possibly social services.
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she would do a lot more for herself too. she wants to live alone- thats all it is.
I promise
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I think she is afraid. She may think you hate her as well and that you want to get her out of the house so you can steal. And she may think you will poison her pills and food. dont take it personally my moms the same way. so once you accept it and stop with the offerings and dont hang around as much you will regain your sanity and life. she needs more time alone. you need to just accept it and ignore it. dont say anything just believe me and give her more alone time. please. trust me I work with a lot of seniors and you too my love will be one someday. please believe me you will change too. once your sick you change out of fear. shes only in fear for her life and she cant help it if she tried. dont be harsh or mad its not her fault- she needs to live alone for now. let her- do it for you too but mainly for her.
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Does she have dementia, if she does, or have her doctor diagnose this if that is what is wrong, you can go to court to get gardianship over her. In my case my mom gave me poa and mpoa before being diagnosed with dementia so I handle everything, she has her days when she can be nasty but you just have to let it roll off, it is not them anymore just the disease, this is not a job where we get appreciation or anything else, we do it because we love them no matter what, your reward comes from knowing you are doing the right thing and God sees all, will keep you in my prayers
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