Stages of Dementia.

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Now I know the stages of dementia - I have read the pages on AC and done other reading too but what I find really difficult to come to terms with is that Mums dementia, at times, seems unbelievably haphazard. One day she can remember quite a lot (mostly long term memory, short term not so much. The next day, or even hour, very little about the same thing. Then we have mobility - one day she can the next she can't. Then toiling some days she can some not. Incontinence bladder incontinent pretty much all the time bowel incontinent more often now but some days absolutely no bowel incontinence at all. Some days she remembers she can't remember other days she can't.

If this were a child you would say it was deliberate and I KNOW in my heart it isn't but, just sometimes, I think ..... are you playing me mother? Especially when I respond negatively - OK I know I shouldn't but I AM human and constant criticism does get to us all at some point or another ...then comes out the infamous words that I loathe beyond all others....I was only joking.

I have even started talking to the commode....The commode wants to be emptied - now she knows that - so in I go and say Hello little commode would you like me to empty you...if only she would just once say Jude could you empty the commode or Jude can I have a cup of tea. She never does she never says please and she never says thank you and even though she never will it grates.

Am I alone in feeling like this cos I sure as hell feel alone sometimes. Without you guys on here I would be long gone.

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I believe that a lot of the behavior is simply the disease. It is not a conscious decision on my Moms part to be annoying or knowingly pick at us or do things that irritate. It is a bummer. The "please" and "thank you" has gone and this would never have been her norm. But sometimes her requests sound like demands now. Good reminder Grandma1954! I'm only 7 months in to her living with us so it's easy for me to say that now. Mom has had dementia for 8 to 10 years but when my Dad was alive they took care of each other - it was early stages and she covered herself well over the years. The worst for my Mom was giving up her meds as she was/is an RN, ET. She worked with cancer patients and did amazing would care management. Hopefully we stay on track with that! She still asks why she can't take her own meds occasionally. She doesn't think she has a memory issue.
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One of the things I have done to curb frustration is I changed 2 words in my thinking.
I changed Won't to Can't
When you say He WON'T do something that implies a conscious decision on his part to not do something.
When you say he CAN'T do something that implies an inability to do something.

You can not get angry or frustrated at a 1 year old that WON'T tie their shoes because they CAN'T tie their shoes, they have not yet learned how. This is how I view my husbands ability or inability to do things. Certainly took the frustration out of many days thinking this way.
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Sendme - I like it! I talked to the companion today and she's claiming innocence - not sure I'm buying it but I at least got my point across to her to stop encouraging things that are inconsistent with hospice plans. In talking with her I think I stumbled onto my mothers master plan - she's trying to restart her obsessiveness with going to the doctor. So, I told the caregiver to redirect my mom to me when my mom starts talking about going to the doctor and for the caregiving to work on getting my moms attention on outings that don't revolve around doctor visits. I'm hoping in a short time this will pass just as the hip thing did.
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Rainmom, You could try: "Mom, the dentist refuses to see you because you don't brush your teeth." "Once you start doing that either on your own, or with help, then he will agree to see you, but not until after he gets back from vacay".

Good idea to talk to the caregiver/companion about her own expectations for your mom. I think you may be on to something.
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Thanks, cwillie. I was thinking of something along that line. Back in the fall my mother was determined to get her other hip replaced - it wasn't going to happen even though my mother insisted she was in intolerable pain. Know what? Last time I remember her mentioning her hip was in December! Tomorrow I'm gonna talk with moms previous part time caregiver whom we have hired to visit my mom once a week as a companion. I suspect this teeth issue is something the companion has put in moms head. She has a horrible habit of over stepping and can't get it through her head her job now is not what it use to be. And for a licensed CNA she can't wrap her head around hospice care for my mom. I would have terminated her a while ago but my mother adores her and this woman does things with mom I can't get my mom to do and honesty - I don't really want to do.
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Rainmom, tell her he's on vacation and that you had to book the appointment for when he returns in September.
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Not that I'm aware of. It's a private pay only place and has two docs that see some residents and are available for emergencies. My moms on hospice so she doesn't use them anyhow. But beyond that my mom has a dentist she's been going to longer than I can remember - like I said, he's made a fortune off my parents. And of course that is who mom wants to go to - won't even consider something more convenient!
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So, doesnt mom's nh have a dentist who comes in?
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My sisters! So, I see my mom last Friday and she says she wants to go to the dentist to get her teeth cleaned and that she has four fillings that have fallen out and she wants fixed. In the first place - how she came up with FOUR fillings is beyond me - she can't even see into her own mouth. Second - she refuses to brush her teeth or let anyone help her with it. By my best guess she hasn't brushed her teeth in ten months. Third - I asked mom if her teeth were giving her pain - "no" - but we gotta get her to the dentist! Fourth - the hospice nurse told me today that "it could happen any day but most likely no longer than two months. Now - it's not a money thing. But really? We're gonna haul her to the dentist and spend a fortune on her teeth (I know this dentist and he probably put his kids through college on my parents teeth) so, yea - we're gonna take a few visits, risk doing the fillings - God knows what else the dentist will recommend and once my mom hears that it will become relentless - but back to my point - so, yea - we'll do the cleaning, fix four fillings, and SHE STILL WONT BRUSH HER TEETH!!!! Arghhggg!!! Just shot me now, please?!!!
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Amen Jessie! Hang in there Love! Or don't, I just don't know anymore! Sorry!
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