My spouse's mental issues are making me ill.

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This may not be the forum for this but I' have relied on this forum for some time.


I will get straight to the point. If your spouse asks you not to wear makeup, would you not wear makeup? If your spouse asks you not to wear shorts (not talking Daisy Duke type shorts) to work, would you not do so? If your spouse asks you not to speak to other men, would you not do so? If this list keeps going, would you keep going?


I do try to compromise for example with just lipstick, mascara, and nail polish.


If I wear my hair curly one day when I am not with him but then straight the next day I am with him, he says I did not put as much effort in as I did the previous day.


I am so tired of my spouse telling me what he does not like about me. Of course when he is telling me something it comes with anger. My counselor suggests giving up on my marriage after working with me for 6 months. We did a few couple's sessions. I have suggested hubby go back to individual counseling to work on his control and jealously issues in the past. I don't do is against him.


If you want to lose weight, it should be about him. If I want to start looking more attractive, it should be about him.

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Well, back to square one. Divorce will cost $4,000. That’s with the attorney I spoke with today. That’s a lot of money to come up with and my paycheck. In the meantime, I will continue to look for a place to stay and a mediator. I’ll also stay as I have been doing in my master bedroom. For the last two months, it has been my apartment anyway.

She told me if I went ahead with the order of protection they would expect me to file for divorce almost simultaneously.
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Sendhelp - Keeping in mind that your children, if young enough, will be required to visit with the man you are trying to leave. They will be at his house, his rules.

The kids will be another year older in 4 and 5 months (now 14 and 17). Through the grace of God, they are older and can help care for themselves. Daughter is driving and they know how to prepare some meals. So while I hate the thought of sharing, uh.

My hubby therapist (male) never saw or treated me to give a diagnosis. He did couples counsel along with my therapist (female) a few times but we never got anywhere because his therapist wanted me to keep adjusting. My counselor lit into them both and left the room.

My therapist diagnosed me with depression and anxiety due to relationship issues. I have no clue of his diagnosis.

BarbBrooklyn – I don’t get sent into tears anymore. I do say if you are going to start name calling or throw around accusations, don’t take to me. So his attitudes goes, well if I can’t talk to you the way I want, then I will not talk to you at all. So if I have to talk to him later about something either he will go I thought you did not want to talk to me or will just flat out ignore me.

Countrymouse – I do not have anywhere to go. I have been watching prices in our area for rentals all year. I cannot afford the rental prices in this area but can afford our mortgage. Can’t move in with my parents because that is a condition of my employment.

BarbBrooklyn – I don’t care what the therapist thinks. I always just say darling, you know he was talking about you don’t you or say nothing at all and just weather the verbal attack or remove myself from the home for a while.

NYDaughterInLaw – No caregiving involved. He suffers with spinal stenosis in back and neck. The mental diagnosis is unknown.

The attorney I met last year will charge $150 for a consult and deduct that amount toward the fee we decide on. Last time she said they would force him into counseling and anger management. I really do believe hubby is mentally ill and the strong pain meds only made things worse.

When he has his whatever, he will go for days not eating and being totally silent. But of course i get the blame.

It took me a minute to get back. Time for homeschool to begin and a busy week with work and making sense of my mess.

I appreciate you alls support here and will never forget you all here and this website.
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Is there any caregiving involved here? Does your husband have dementia or some other illness that makes you his caregiver? If no, leave and be done with it already.
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Answry,
Look closely...something is highly irregular here. Let me explain....
You said. "his previous therapist diagnosed me as a narcissist".
1) Was the therapist seeing you, treating you?
2) Did the therapist tell YOU what your diagnosis was?
3) What was his previous therapist's diagnosis for him?

My guess is that your husband is lying everytime he opens his mouth to put you down and control you.
I don't know if you are a narcissist, but I doubt a narcissist would be coming on to this forum for advice to change things because they don't think anything is wrong with them.  Keeping your job or career through all of this may save your sanity, imo.

In a past life, "he" said; "she never worked a day in her life!" And, I have the two-page resume` to prove that he lied.

It is concerning (and put in a humorous way) that you will have to find your resume` to find out where the he** I've been all these years"; and, that you say you will have to see the officer's report
to see if you are believed.  Dear lady, you have been gaslighted.

You can file your own divorce, draw up a "Marital Settlement Agreement" and take it to a lawyer to finish this.  Why in he** would you ever need to prove yourself to anyone?  So sorry to see anyone go through what you are.
Why are you still doubting yourself?
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Do you care what his therapist thinks about you? Or what he thinks about you?

The truth is yours. Your reality is what counts.

You work. You make money. Open a separate account and keep your money there.
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Answry go and look at that bloody diagram. If you think people won't believe that a charming man can be pathological in his behaviour towards his wife, you just haven't been watching t.v. for the last fifteen years. The Archers has just completed a whole grisly storyline about it, for heaven's sake.

Stop believing that your husband has all the power and give other people some credit for being able to hear what you say. Go and LOOK at that diagram and see how it applies to what you experience. Not talking about therapy, talking about waking up and getting out. Or at least waking up.
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Have you ever heard of a misogynist?
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My husband can be so charming to others. Officer probably bought everything he said. Will see once I get the report. I can’t tell you where I live because you will say, I knew it.

I know love and affection is not there. It is so sparse. I was telling my girlfriend, I am so lonely it is not funny. I’ve told my hubby I’ve gotten so I don’t want to come home. He just says something like sorry to hear that and he don’t understand. Wow is him.

Approval never going to get I know. Husband is convinced that he has carried the load our entire marriage. He is also convinced he does not see my contributions especially financially. But he did feel several when I traded in satellite TV for Hulu and stopped paying his phone bill. In fact he is so convinced that I have done nothing, I’ve been hunting down my resume to see where the he** I’ve been all these years.

I really don’t want to try therapy again. I did individual and couples before. In the couples one I got the blame – all on me the misery. When we took the kids for therapy the counselor wanted to talk to us for a minute. Again it was she, she, she, and wow is me.

I am not interested in this happening again (therapy). In fact during his verbal assault yesterday he repeated that his previous therapist diagnosed me as a narcissist. So when I was thinking he was getting help way back when, I was getting thrown under the bus apparently. Blamed.
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Try: www.theduluthmodel.org

If you click on the "Wheels" tab it will take you to a diagram you can use to identify problematic patterns of behaviour. The purpose is to help you explain to law enforcement and other support agencies what is happening and how it constitutes abuse. Even if you don't want to seek outside intervention at the moment, it could also help you clarify in your own mind what is okay and what is not okay so that you don't slide back into feeling that you're the crazy one. You aren't.
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Er - the door on your room being removed?

This is called "coercive control." It is becoming more widely recognised as abuse in itself, and more to the point the precursor to seriously dangerous situations.

Do you have any compelling reasons for wanting to stick this marriage out any longer? Do you have anywhere to go?
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