My spouse's mental issues are making me ill.

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This may not be the forum for this but I' have relied on this forum for some time.


I will get straight to the point. If your spouse asks you not to wear makeup, would you not wear makeup? If your spouse asks you not to wear shorts (not talking Daisy Duke type shorts) to work, would you not do so? If your spouse asks you not to speak to other men, would you not do so? If this list keeps going, would you keep going?


I do try to compromise for example with just lipstick, mascara, and nail polish.


If I wear my hair curly one day when I am not with him but then straight the next day I am with him, he says I did not put as much effort in as I did the previous day.


I am so tired of my spouse telling me what he does not like about me. Of course when he is telling me something it comes with anger. My counselor suggests giving up on my marriage after working with me for 6 months. We did a few couple's sessions. I have suggested hubby go back to individual counseling to work on his control and jealously issues in the past. I don't do is against him.


If you want to lose weight, it should be about him. If I want to start looking more attractive, it should be about him.

102 Comments

I've been married 44 years. The crazy thing about husbands is that they want you all dolled up when you are dating, then all the rules change when you are married. Suddenly they want you to not attract attention. You either roll with it or you split. Your choice.
Sounds like hubby doesn't like the fact that HE is aging, thus he is taking it out on you.

I remember way back decades ago, the comic Jerry Lewis left his wife of 35 years because when he looked at her it made him feel old. Good heavens, does he have a clown mirror in his room that makes him look thinner and younger?
answry, does he have religious convictions that make him think you should be plain? Or is it just jealousy and control? (Really, these can be the same.) A lot of women do work to become what their man wants them to be. They can end up losing themselves and, strangely enough, the respect of the man they were changing for. I'd say be who you are, which is probably pretty proper already. If he doesn't like it, tell him you are the same woman he married. I like marriages to work, but know that compromise has to come from both sides. If it doesn't, the side that's always giving in gets very unhappy indeed.

Maybe you should just kick your husband in the butt. That's what a lot of them need.
I've always said never get involved with a man expecting/thinking he will change. For sure the same goes the other way around, although tweeked in your situation. If I were wearing make-up ala Tammy Faye Baker I would hope my hubby would gently tell me to go a little easier on the mascara. If my big backside was hanging out of my shorts - I would hope he'd tell me. BUT - if I'm pretty much looking and dressing as I did when we met and married - and I am not making a fool of myself I would expect him to not only keep his mouth shut but I would expect it to be a non issue - never occurring to him to say anything. But I was almost 36 when I met my hubby and I've always been on the independent end of the spectrum. Was your hubby controlling in the beggining? If so, I doubt he'll change and the decision to go along or get out is yours. If this is new, perhaps more counseling could help. Regardless - only you can decide for yourself how much of this you'll accept - how far you're willing to go to make him happy. But I ask you - is no make-up going to make him happy or will he next turn his attention to how much time you spend with a girlfriend, what you eat, how much you weigh etc?
funny thing I am 43 and hubby 54. Oh man I don’t know why but I love this batty person and believe in our marriage vows until death do us part. But I swear this crazy stuff feels like it is going to kill me waaaaayyy before it is time.

My counselor got frustrated with me last week. They stress leaving. I'm not there and do counseling to help keep me from going insane and/or choking him out. I believe they are tired of listening.

Another example: My friend came into town, and we had a two hour lunch at a fast food joint. He was informed of everything. But the next day he explained how I was so wrong and that I should have asked permission instead of telling him of my plans.

So I guess the next question is, how do you deal? I feel like I am going crazy. I heard on TV the solution is silence and playful sex. Lots of silence going on but not much other.

I don't see how we are going to get 44 years under our belt. Next month should be our 17 year celebration but lol
Answry, what does marriage mean to you? If you think of mattiage as being a relationship akin to one partner being "obeyed" in all things, the husband being the lord of the manner and the owner of all your rights and properties ( as it was in the 19th century and before), then you've goy your answer. Obey your husband and be ruled by him in all things.

Stop going to counseling; talking to someone who sees that your husband has a personality disorder and won't change is only going to frustrate you.

If, on the other hand, you believe that marriage is a voluntary partnership of two equal parties, you need to find out if that's the contract HE feels he's entered into. Why does he think he has a right to dictate how you dress, who you speak to?

Do you have the right to dictate the same to him?

What a jerk. If you don't have kids leave. If you have daughters you are teaching them that it is ok for men to treat you this way. Your sons are learning to treat women like this. If he is doing this for religious reasons and thinks he's a Christian he is way off base. The bible says husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church. We as believers are the church. That means he gave his life , shed his blood for as while we were yet sinners. That's a far cry from how your husband treats you.
So back to my question - has this been going on in some form or another for seventeen years? Personally, I couldn't do it. And I suspect my hubby knows if he tried that crap, I stab him in the heart while he slept, with a butter knife!
Time for a movie quote. "Darrell, you're my husband not my father". ~ Thelma, Thelma and Louise.
Well how does he respond, when you come right out and tell him to back off about your appearance? I've been with my husband for 31 years, and he would never try to tell me what to do or how to look, so I'm guessing that you have allowed this behavior or have tried to be the perfect wife that he wants you to be, and now you don't like him doing this. I recommend that you step up and tell him that he isn't your father, and that you don't have to make physical changes, just because he says so! No way, no how! I can see why your counselor is telling you to leave, he's a bully, and jealous of you having friends, and positive attention! Those are his insecurities, and he needs to learn how to deal with them! Not you! Good luck! I'm sure that there are lots of other reasons why you love him, and this behavior makes it difficult to want to leave, and I'm no suggesting you do so, but he needs to figure out a way to appreciate you, just the way you are! Try reading some of these responses to him!

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