I'm a free caregiver for woman (80) woman whose son lives across the street and won't help.

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The son and his sister said they would help but have not. I have taken care of this woman for over a year for free, she has a valve that's closing and makes her very tired, diabetes, pace maker and isn't steady on her feet, I'm 60 married and all 3 of my children moved out and I had extra bedroom, she was living in senior housing but her two sons were on drugs and living there and she was being abused verbally, financially and her health was bad, her good son lives across the street n we've been friends for years, him and his sister said they would help with her but after we moved her in they would get mad at her and started telling me what a bad mom she was so they do not help with her, i charge her $700 a month.And I buy everything food, toiletries, etc.even her shampoo she pays for nothing, so I half to cook her meals and clean her bathroom and drive her everywere, so I am doing this all for free, she gets paid to much $$ every month for ihss unless she pays $875 a mo. Co pay.. my feelings are hurt because I've asked for help or I think I should be compensated because she is alot of work and responsibility, and rarely do i even get a thanks, his sister did once and he has a couple times, I think if they a knowledge what I do they will feel I should be paid, I promised the old lady I would never kick her out and I can't but I feel I'm being taken advantage of and I'm gonna tell am all off, but then they'll never talk to her and she has gone to dinner over there maybe 5 or 6 times in over a year.. can someone please tell me what I can do .? I've talked to all of them , asked for help, b*tched about how I don't have a life beyond her and they just won't help.. always excases, she overflowed toilet and kept flushingng it there was poop everywere sister I threw all my towels on it to keep it in bathroom ran across the street asked for help to unclog it and it took him over one and a half hours to get here, by then I used a hanger and u clogged it and was almost done cleaning it up. He said sorry was on phone with insurance Co. And that was it for me so I have ignored them since.. please someone tell me how to handle this, I think the mom talks behind my back too because people told me so I said do it again and u will move..I'm not even related and I wouldn't desert her. What is wrong with people??

19 Comments

If she is paying $700 a month you are not doing everything for free.. But I will say they are getting off very cheaply if you are doing everything 24-7! Why is she not paying something for her clothes, toiletries, etc? you take her out to places ( said you drive her everywhere), so take her to the dollar store or wherever and let her buy her own things, with her own money. Or maybe it is time to tell "good son" it is time for her to move across the street to his house? do you have a rental agreement, or a CG contract?
No .. but i verbally told her i would not kick her out.. and believe me the gas n food and laundry soap etc. Her being diebetic she eats 6 times a day.. i make no $$off her
You can't have it both ways, either you are doing this as an act of charity out of the goodness of your heart or you are not. The fact that you won't kick her out (or more accurately help her find other accommodations) just means that the family have no motive to change things, it seems they have made it clear they are not interested in doing any more. You need to treat this as though she has no family in order to make this work for you.
Even at $700 per month, you should have a Caregivers Contract, because you should never say never, not to a family member, and not to her either! You will at the very least, be covering your $aa, but hers as well, should she ever need to go into residential care. Her monies need to be accounted for. Plus, I would document everything that you pay for her, including food and personal care items, everything! This lady has some serious health problems, and there may come a time, that you can no longer take care of her. I would be very wary in your shoes! What does your husband feel about this situation? You are setting yourself up to a full tim caregiver, who never gets a break, never a vacation, and are headed for full blown caregiver burnout! Whatever you do, don't let ger children back you into 3 corner, that you can't get out of!
Present them with a written caregiver agreement with realistic prices. Figure out what her portion of the rent and utilities are and groceries too. Add in $10 per hour for the time spent caring for her. Don't sell yourself short.
Well im happy to say she was approved for innovage pace program, they called earlier and know ill have help, they provide homecare and transportation.. im so releaved to know help is coming..and she wont half to depend on me 24/7 . Thank u everyone for your help its good to know this site is here and im not alone
You can't be a doormat unless you lie down first.....

Contact senior services in your Community and look into options for moving her to care facility. You then can return to being her friend: visiting with her, taking her out for lunch and still have your own life.
The thing is i stopped cooking when my youngest son moved, my husband works rotating shifts and is rarely home for dinner so we usually ate out or have sandwich or something , but when she moved in i started cooking again and grocery shopping and it is alot to feed someone 3 meals a day, clean up and take care of all her needs because she does nothing but watch tv,or read and play games on phone . Just answering all her questions helping her constantly with tv n phone is very time consuming on top of cleaning her room n bathroom etc, and taking her places where half the time its for a banana because she only eats green ones or to bank because she wants to go paperless but cant because she needs help with her phone she cant really use. And she is very demanding and embarassing at places like Drs, bank etc. She gets so mad n stubborn she wont listen therefor we rarely get what we go for, and i could go on for days about her sticking her hands in pans on stove or putting her spoon she ate with in a bowl to get seconds so nobody else will eat it and i throw it away, so im hoping with this help coming in i will get a brake from her, and maybe ill feel better about her being here, as of now i cant hardly stand it because shes always wanting or needing something i cant even talk to my husband cause she interupts us for stuff that can wait or doesn't really matter, i think alot of it is because her kids are ignoring her and i feel if i moved her she would die, but sometimes i hide from her or dont go down hallway because she always wants something and she isnt an invalide she is just wanting attention. I take her to all my family stuff and have company almost everyday because my sister lives one street over.. i just feel like i cant wait for help and everyday is worse . Hopefully this site will help just by writing and getting others opinions. Am i mean or is this normal?
You invited her in, now escort her to leave! You can't have it both ways! SHE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! She Has a family, and if they do not want to take responsibility for her, then take her to the ER, report her as a vulnerable adult with no assistance, and no place to live, given the hospital her childrens names addresses and telephone numbers, and the Social Worker there will find placement for her, unless you signed some form of promissory contract with her. You are not going to be able to manage this much longer, and PACE, will soon feel like there are even More strangers living in and disrupting your household and your marriage! You need to act quickly! Do you need her money or something? Believe me, no amount of money is worth the aggravation that is so obviously building up inside of you.
It's time, It's time! You have been an Angel, but she's got to go, before she upsets your entire family and your marriage! Believe me!

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