Sometimes I wish this would end. Then I hate myself for that.

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Before being my grandmothers caregiver I didn't have a decent job. I could not afford college, so finding employment was hard in a declining area where I lived. When the market was saturated with others laid off that had more experience or education, minimum wage jobs were fought over. That sounds like an excuse. Maybe it was. After being laid off from a job that I could only get part time minimum wage, I did the math. I was making more money doing odd jobs here and there and selling stuff on eBay. So I stuck to it. I finally saved enough to get a cheap apartment and go to a trade school. Then grandma fell.

Now it's been years. The thousands of dollars I painstakingly saved are gone. I have nothing. No income, no marketable job experience, education, 63 dollars in the bank and a chronic back/spinal issue that has gotten worse after having to transfer grandma.

I've burned out twice. Once 2 or 3 years ago. Time blurs. Last Christmas l burned out again. But it was a different type. More like depression. It still hasn't ended. I stay awake at night usually getting about 2 hours sleep. All I do is worry where do I go and what do I do after. I just Google and Google and read jobs I'm not qualified for. I can't even sell stuff on eBay anymore. It's too hard to find someone to sit and watch grandma to even run to the post office. And now that her dementia worsened, I'm to emotionally stressed to do it even if I could. So now I'm broke and been broke since Christmas. The money I saved for my future was spent on groceries and depends. All the Christmas money people gave me (because they saw me struggling) went to pay the overdrawn bank account.

Sometimes I wish this would end. Then I hate myself for that. Then I think I need this to continue because now I have nowhere to go. I don't even have a friend to stay with anymore. When you haven't met up with your friends in years and always decline invitations to dinner/weddings/BBQ/movies/bars/basically any and all social interaction, they stop calling. Even phone calls were awkward. They talk about their child or going to the game or wife etc. I talk about having to clean up urine from the hospital bed at 2am or how I had to make 2 breakfasts because grandma forgot she asked for a waffle and refuses to eat said waffle because she said she wanted a English muffin and I was wrong.

I fear the future. I crave escape. I just want someplace warm to live, low stress and a job where the pain doesn't kill me.

20 Comments

Hugs, Tired. Just hugs, with fellow-feeling. I'm still trying to scramble out of a similar hole so I've got no business advising you. But the one thing I do always say to myself - though I don't always agree (!) - is "say yes!" If your friends invite you, say yes. If someone offers you a day's work, say yes. If there's a volunteer opportunity going, say yes. Anything that stops you sitting in a corner and sucking your thumb (which is where you'll find me all too often), say yes.

These years beat us up. As the hug image says, it is okay not to be okay.
Thanks Countrymouse!!!

I actually was able to volunteer cooking for the homeless at a church last week and it felt good. Really good. Finding someone to watch grandma for 5 hours while I cooked was challenging, to say the least. It took about 4 days to find someone to stay with grandma.
Where have your grandmother's children, your parents, been in all of this?

I don't understand why so many grandchildren are having to take care of their grandparents? This does not sound fair at all to me.
My mother works full time just to pay the bills and has health issues. She helps as much as she can.

My uncle.... He would call grandma on the phone about once a week from his winter home to brag about a new purchase of something (phone, car, etc) then I have to hear grandma boast about him to visiting doctors or guests. Then when I say he should maybe buy her some depends or boost instead of me or mom paying for it. She gets defensive and keeps saying all he did. But most of the stuff he helped with was 10, 15, 20 years ago.
Tired --- I realize that not all services are available across the contry/world but why are you and your mom buying necessities for your grandmother? Have you met with the county social services /office of aging to see what help you may have access to?? Let's be honest, any little bit of help would be an improvement. Prescription assistance would reduce medicine costs freeing up money for depends. Ditto on energy assistance. What about food pantries distributions to help grocery budgets go further? Money saved in these ways can buy helper services to free you up. If you know how to ebay, spread the word that you will do this for others at a % of the selling price or for a flat dollar amount (I would band the items and charge more for pricier items). Is there no income from your Grandma? Are you living in a place that is beyond the income available?
How old are you? Your Grandma?
We get all we can with assistance. The elderly agency gives me 3 hours a week respit care. They cut it to 1 hour a week but I convinced them I was burned out so they kicked it back up. Budget cuts and loss of funding you know. 

The prescription isn't the problem but they keep raising the insurance fees every year. 

Energy assistance is non existent here. Alot of the money goes to heating the house to blast furnace forging steel hot levels. 

Grandma has chewing / swallowing issues and is incredibly picky eater so we can only buy certain things but we do get some food help. 

Grandma is $40 over income every month for extra government assistance. Nothing we can do about it. 

I have no income. Grandma can't afford to pay me anything. I'm 30 grandma is 90. 

It could be worse. I hate to come across as whiny. I could be a Syrian refugee living on the streets of Greece or hit by a bus and disabled. I shouldn't complain.
Is Gramma on Medicaid?
You can have a Miller Trust set up to get Grandma to be able to qualify for Medicaid. Get uncle to pay for lawyer consult fee.

No. We tried to get her on Medicaid waiver. Her life insurance policy has a cash surrender value so that messed up the assets. But it seems like with the way the money steadily is dwindling, her assets may qualify her for Medicaid soon.

To be honest, I let my mother handle all that. I get too stressed handling both the bills and grandma.
Uncle gave grandma a $16 gift for her birthday and Christmas present last year. Pay for a lawyer is...

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