Sometimes this is scary and lonely.

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I am new here and don't normally use message boards. But I need some outlet and don't want to bother anyone (Family/Friends). I currently live with and care for my elderly parents in their home. It is not difficult and we all get along. As time goes on they are slowing down and I have taken on responsibility to handle many of our living needs, driving, shopping, cooking, paying bills, etc . At times I have been finding this transition scary and lonely. I do have an illness that affects energy and anxiety levels and other things. When I worked I was used to being in-charge. In this new time of life, I worry that I am doing everything okay. As they change I hope I can handle it. Thanks for listening and having a place to let 'it' out when feeling frightened.

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Thank you all for your comments and support and sharing. I know now that there is a place to come to where people understand all this. Getting to write it down helps a lot rather than running it through my own mind over and over.
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I get you totally. Every bit of it. I have never felt such fear in my life as when I was caring for my mom. *shudder* I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I think a lot of people are scared around here. I can't describe the anxiety levels I've reached, where fear is the primary cause. I have fears so deep and dark and scary that I can't even let my mind brush up against them, won't allow myself to think too much about how REALLY scared I am. I fight it and just hope I'm going to be good enough, strong enough, to deal with whatever comes at me.

I've been out of the loop for years, since I was between 36/37. Now I'm hitting up on 50 and I'm having to start over and start thinking about getting out in that world that I don't know a damn thing about anymore. It's like waking up one day on another planet and realizing that you don't understand the language.

I had an intense dream/nightmare a while back. I call it 'The Road'. The dream starts out with a bang...and yet it's very silent. I'm in the middle of nowhere. It's like a huge, empty desert. There isn't a tumbleweed, or anything else in sight. Just dirt. All that was in all this endless dirt was the road. Just a road. Stretching as far as far as the eye could see in both directions.. The road, this empty, desolate road, just went on and on and on and I knew it had no end no matter which direction I went into. No matter which way I went and started walking, I knew there would be absolutely nothing there. I stand there in disbelief. I can't freaking believe that I'm out in the middle of a god forsaken wasteland and I'm all alone. I have no supplies, no food, no water, no company. I've got the clothes on my back and that's all I've got. There are no buildings. There are no people. There are no animals. There isn't a single cricket. And on some level, even in that dream, I didn't want to believe it. And I know that there is nothing, nobody anywhere. It's just me, standing by myself in the middle of this bleak place, realizing that I'm looking death in the face, because that's what that dream felt like. A scary kind of hell. I couldn't get away from stress even in my sleep. That's a lot of stress.

When you're taking care of elderly parents around the clock it's going to mess with your mind. It's going to do a number on you and you can count on that like you can count on the sun rising tomorrow. Especially if you do it for years on end. It really is like living under a rock. The elderly, especially those with alz and dementia consume your time, consume your days, weeks, months then years, and one day you wake up realizing that you're not a part of the bigger world anymore, that 4 walls have become the new normal and you're not quite sure exactly when that happened... Yeah.

You have a lot of company and a lot of support here. Thank God for the people here and their willingness to be honest and tell it like it really is, warts and all, without fear. You're in good company here, we all get it. Keep posting. It really does help to know that you're not alone. *hugs*
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Beautifully said Eyerishlass!!!
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Caregiving is scary and lonely. One doesn't have to have a dysfunctional, stressful situation in order to feel like this. My dad lived with me for 5 years. He was a dear, lovely man and we got along well. I realize that it could have been much worse but that didn't negate the fear and loneliness I felt much of the time I cared for him.

I help combat the loneliness I volunteered a few days a week. Volunteering as opposed to a paying position allowed me the room to take a day off here and there if I needed it to take care of my dad. I also began going to church. That just made me feel better.

My fear was "what comes next". What would happen when my dad could no longer stay at home? What would I do with this house I had rented for us? What if it happened all of a sudden as I knew it could? What if, what if, what if. I terrorized myself with what if's for years. And finally the day came and it was horrible and terrifying and stressful and I had no idea how I was making it each day but I did.

As your caregiving duties increase try to hang onto to some things like lunch with friends, seeing a movie, etc. I saw movies frequently, by myself, and it was a great getaway. Try not to let your parents become your entire world and be watchful because you won't realize they have until it's too late.

And finally, "bother" someone. Friends, family, whoever. You need the support and will continue to need it and if they care about you you won't be bothering anyone.

And if, after all of this, you're still experiencing fear and loneliness come here and tell us about it. We've all been there. :-)
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This why I take Cymbalta every morning.. Best Wishes to you.
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ya see, there are essentially two types of people in the world. those who fart in the bathtub and then those who bite at the bubbles. them GD bubblebiters are probably going to encounter all kinds of misfortune in their lives. if nothing else, misdirected energies are going to negatively impact their productivity. in the time it takes them to bite at a fart bubble i could be making a gay pass at boris yeltzin ( and im phobically hetero ) , and guess which of us would be having the more fun? bubble biters need our positive ( productive ) influence, otherwise theyre screwed.
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your sacrificing so many things now that will worry the hell out of you concerning your own future. fear of the unknown is always scary. i can almost guarantee you that when your caregiving has ended you will carry yourself with a wisdom and dignity that will open more doors for you than you ever thought possible. live in the moment and give the elders the QOL they deserve. thats only my opinion, others may vary according to individual circumstances.
i dont necessarily believe in the divine, the evil, or karma. i just think good things happen to good people because they got to become good people by being intelligent.
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