SOOO angry today!
... at the world...at myself...at my situation... at my Dad (probably not fair to be mad at him)... Just mad. After diligently being "everyone's everything" at the mere expense of myself, I THOUGHT I would get the chance to celebrate paying off a large amount of debt. There was an opportunity for me to join a girl's trip to the Carribean in January, and I put my deposit down without hesitation. For a few weeks, I was looking forward to it, but then I realized that my back was hurting because I was sleeping on an air mattress. After moving earlier this summer and getting rid of my ancient furniture, I was on a quest to finally do something for me. Then Dad had a bill... then another... then another... and being the responsible, good codependent Tinyblu, I saved the day, but my back couldn't take it anymore, so I decided to find a mediocre bedroom suite to hold me over until I can get something nice (which will be NEVER!!!) So, the payments on the furniture are doable as long as nothing comes up with Dad, but I think it would be hugely irresponsible of me to take a trip now. Why make TWO bills when I never know what's going on with Dad. That's when I inwardly directed ALL of my anger towards Dad. If he wouldn't have raised me in such dysfunction, maybe I wouldn't feel the pressure to be the "good little girl" and pick up his slack. My siblings go on vacations and sleep on mattresses. Heck! Dad has REALLY nice furniture and I'm on milk crates and an air mattress at 40!!! I've got a big case of the woe is me's today. Granted, I've been working both jobs every day this week (I think I'm subconsciously punishing myself for self care). I think I'm just emotional. Just needed to vent. In actuality this is all my fault for not having the backbone to say no (children honor their parents, right) In my whiny baby voice... WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!