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We are a military family & this is the closest we've been to my home in 8 years. Mom has lung cancer that spread to the brain and multiple tumors that have appeared in the last 5 weeks. She is declining mentally; trouble remembering & speaking clearly, as well as physically with seizures & weakness in her right side. I have been there from day 1 financially, emotionally & physically (when I can with my toddler & 4 month old as well as living over 100 miles away). I've helped her understand what is happening to her, as well as her options. Se has gone from being scared and in denial, to content with life & at peace with what must be. We pray together & share fond memories & I do what no one else thinks she can handle...I tell her the truth & allow her to talk about death. I say allow because my older sister thinks that is stressful & says mom will pull through this. My mom is beginning to suffer but wants to hang in because my sister isn't ready to let her go. She will undergo 12 additional radiation treatments and chemo just so she can go out "fighting". This was never her wish. She never wanted to prolong such a fate & we even discussed it with doctors before her mental decline.

My sister is going to be her primary caregiver, not by choice. She is forcing the role upon herself so that we don't "get off thinking we're in control". My mother wishes to live in comfort, with as much dignity as possible & in her own home. I want to provide in home care (all paid for by my husband & I) and allow her to live where she chooses.

My mother is afraid of my sister & everyone knows it. It has been this way for many years, but because she is her child, mom doesn't want to see the truth. My sister wants to keep her in her 2 bedroom home (sharing a room with my 10 yr old niece) with exposed subfloor on the downstairs, no shower( just a claw tub mom can't use) & no access to food without anyone getting it for her. My sister works full time & can't afford in home care (I had to pay her mortgage so that my niece would have a place to live-avoid foreclosure). I'm not trying to sound haughty, but after that, she replayed me by writing a bad check and cursing my family with profanities and lies.

I don't think mom is safe with her. My sis is 15.5 yrs older than me & mentally & physically abused me from 3-16 years old. I'm not just being dramatic or trying to sway your opinion...even her councilors & psychiatrists have tried in vain to get her to understand the severity of her disorder. She is bipolar & abuses her daughters ADHD meds & takes them with diet pills.

In the past she has openly shamed my mother for being incontinent & messy. She lied to hospital officials saying to not let me or my family visit my mother & call security if I tried. She called my husband and cursed him out because I "taddled" on her when I mentioned (to my brother in law) that we were leaving the hospital so that they may return (they left as to avoid us). She has such a hatred for me & my mom says its jealousy from my birth, since I've "always wanted to take ma away from her".

No one can reason with her. She hangs up in the middle of conversations & lies to make it seem like I'm the problem. I don't even understand why she puts so much thought into what I'm doing because I've only helped my mom. only since her last diagnosis has she stopped saying mom was making excuses. she has denied my help even when it benefits mom, just so she can be praised as the one who "takes care of ma all by myself". She even tries to shame me by saying in front of others, that I never help...if that was the case then my mom wouldn't have many of the comforts she enjoyed.

She screens my mothers phone calls & even her husband doesn't want to go up against her because she has been physically abusive to him as well. Still I have outsiders say "you two need to get over your issues for your moms sake". I have no issues with her. All of what I've mentioned was for the understanding of the reader. I love her as a child of god & pray for her often. I don't understand why she treats people this way & would deny me the right to simply visit my mom. It's hurting my mom too, but she doesn't want it known that she is the reason all the problems start & openly denies & tells me I'm stressing my mom.

I need help. I said goodbye to my mom during this last visit because I'm sure my sister won't let me see her again. I won't be able to go to her funeral. I've been thrust into a state of mourning before truly losing her & it's shameful & sad that it comes at the hand of a person who has abused & tormented me my entire life. This is simply the final display of her abuse of power...to keep a dying mother from her baby. Should I do anything or make peace with my loss?

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MamaLlama09, I agree with blannie. Unfortunately, your Mom didn't support you as she should have, because of her fear of your sister. I also agree with some of the points StandingAlone made. If you have the strength and resources, fight for the best life for your Mom, as long as you don't further damage her in the process. Best of luck to you.
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Lyssa, did she put the locks on because mom might wander off? Is she giving mom 24/7 care? Is mom in a wheelchair or walker? What is it that she wants in writing? We need more info.
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My sister won't let me see my mother who lives with her and pays $2500 a month to stay there because I believe she is taking advantage of my Mom (which she is) but she wants me to put it in writing which my lawyer said that is ridiculous. My sister who also never used to lock her doors, locks them now and won't give my Mom a key.....(Mom needs help to her room). Said sister says I can only come get her when someone is home.
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Sylvia, the fact the police took pictures of the assault shows they are collecting evidence. You need to call the chief of police and detectives and talk to them. Also your phone records will show your brother called. Besides you, they would not let his own mother see him.......? That is just so sad. Do you have someone close to you to help you through this..
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civility usedta not be my strong suit but i haveta admit its been working for quite some time where family is concerned. tell sis shes doing a fine job but caregiving is best done by a team and youd like to be on the team. an honest compliment seems to always get a foot in the door with thoughtless people.
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she also cashed out his 401 for $30 thou.(he earned way b4 he even met her) that $ was supposed to be for his 2 young children...that $ is gone now...
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also - my mother wanted to go see him yesterday morning & some other family members, his wife said, noone is allowed over there to see him...don't even bother coming there, etc. (I still can't believe the police would believe her about my brother & his wish BS to not see his family) It's def.all her doings!!! There's probably fraud involved knowing her & I already have a Detective working the case...there's a life ins. policy that she can't wait to cash..I don't know name of company but I am making it a priority to try & find out who it's through so they can put a stop on the check....she never told ins. co. he has cancer..there's also other fraudulent schemes that took place, including fundraisers where she kept the money and prizes...big tv is in her sisters living room...& SHE just bought a brand new car & paid cash...thought they were poor...until 10 fundraisers took place & bilked people out of all kinds of $$$.
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police came...they took pics of all the places I was punched etc...then they told me to leave & that even the hospice said I have to get off their property..after I left I went to the er..have contusions everywhere, feels like 2 ribs are broken, ER DR. even thought for sure they were broken..her, her sister & her mother...were not arrested..DID I BEAT MYSELF UP..my brother's wife told police it was his wish to not to have to see his sister...that's a joke...he just called me a few days...after I was escorted off the property...my brother's 2 children came with their mother (his ex-wife) she told nursing home..it was his wish not to see them either...they were also denied....this is truly an evil woman....I found out she had him cremated instantly yesterday, he died 8:55...he was cremated instantly...She also told another family member there is NO SERVICE, NO MASS, NO NOTHING..
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I'm not clear on why you wouldn't be able to see your mom, whether your sister has POA or not. And, if your sister isn't mentally capable, maybe you could challenge the POA if she does actually get it.

As for dealing with this, my own personal method is to remember the old saying, "Lose the battle, win the war." With the mission being to ensure the proper care of a family member, come up with a good battle plan and make sure you are clear on the possible outcomes. Whatever happens, you have to be sure you can live with it.
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Sylvia, when you added your question to this site initially, you added it onto the end of someone's question. That was posted months ago. Yours was a new situation. I am not sure whether or not you were able to get an emergency order to see your then dying brother. I see you were able to find out he was moved to a nursing home. What do you mean they beat you up? There is much alarm to all of this. I am sorry you were not able to see your brother before he died. Certainly, if someone physically harmed you, you need to contact police.
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Could someone else on AC weigh in on this Issue please? Thanks
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I walked into nursing home where she moved him last night cuz she found out I was getting an emerg.visit order...& the b****, her sister & 80 something mother all beat the crap out of me she even commanded her dog (yes a dog was in hospital) to attack...my brother died this morning.
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They kinda told you what to do! : ) See they guided you!
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courthouse said they can't tell me what to do...but I could fill out a blank order & maybe the Judge will grant me visitation
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sylvia go straight to the couthouse they will guide you what to do there.
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Tried to visit my dying brother & b**** sister in law said she doesn't have to let me in & slammed door in my face & my son who's 15...I called police who advised me she could refuse me to come into house.but they said to visit courthouse & get an emergency order...does anyone know exactly what it's called..I'm working on days here...Thank you.
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I agree with you, too, Body. Excellent answer. That's what I meant. lol

'The moment a door slams, look for a crack in the window'... Love it.
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I agree with Body.

Kicking someone's ass will get you nowhere. It's an unclassy way to go about adult problem solving and it will only make you look ridiculous. Being adults, we act like adults and approach our problems in a mature, adult-like manner. Pay no attention to anyone who may challenge you on the internet. This is a site for compassion and support. Take what you want here and leave the rest.

As some others have suggested, start banging on doors and writing letters. You can't deal rationally with someone who is irrational so forget about trying to get your sister to see reason. Her problem-solving skills don't seem very effective.

Be as aggressive as you'd like to be, as aggressive as you are comfortable being. I would start with an elder law attorney. If you and your husband were going to open up your home to your mom and all the finances that entails put that money to some good use and consult an attorney. That's where I'd start.

Then if you have more fight in you, and no one would blame you if you didn't, then you can take up your niece's cause and see about getting her a better situation. But again, you've got a lot on your plate if you're going to fight for your mom. The niece situation might be more than you're prepared to handle, understandably so.

We're here for you, MamaLlama. Most of us don't judge or question the validity of what you say. No doubt you've got a mess on your hands with that sister of yours and there may not be a clear cut solution where your mom is concerned. It's easy for someone to tell you what you 'should' do, we're not the ones having to deal with it. I think you're very bright and obviously capable and will do what you think is best. You've taken many steps in trying to get your sister to be accountable, again, how far do you want to take it and will your mom suffer as a result? I think you're doing fine and I'm so sorry you have to go through this but as someone said, once your dear mom has passed you never, ever have to see or talk to your sister again. And if you want to go to the funeral, then you go. No one can keep you from it. But if you choose not to go I'm sure your mom would understand. I sure would.

We're always here, MamaLlama. :-)
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Seems so many are worried about that little girl... and I am as well, but what concerns me more than anything is YOU. I know from experience that tough love is an impossible pill to swallow (even if it's the God's-honest truth!) when what you need doesn't seem attainable. So honey, for what it's worth I hear, see, feel your pain. You have managed (somehow) to at least able to find some inner peace and rest there, thank God. But I really feel that you're reaching out for answers to find a way to change things.

Do what your heart tells you, sweetie. If that is just a free consultation with an eldercare attorney to discuss your options, so be it. The attorney should be able to present the options, expenses and chances within that first appointment. I don't think you should do this alone. Given the fact that your sister is prone to settling things via the violent route, the legal way might be the only way to protect YOU and your mom. A legal trail of breadcrumbs and concern, of sorts.

I am so, so sorry for the pain of not seeing your Mama. I can't imagine how much that hurts. I would give everything in the world to have another day, another hour, another few minutes even - with my own Mom. I took care of her until her last breath, but there are still so many things I wish I would have said before the disease took so much.

Now, at least mull over some of the things that folks here have suggested. Most of these people have been there or ARE there. Sometimes the wrong words are chosen by posters. We're human.

Are you still inclined to get some help to get access to your Mom? Get things done with your voice and your hands and document everything. In it's own notebook, IN WRITING. Know what dates you called and were told (and by whom) they could not help you. If your local social services department won't listen, call the national child abuse hotline. Write letters to everyone that you have attempted to complain to and ask for the agency and/or person that governs that department. The moment a door slams, look for a crack in the window.

Now, the last thing -- our politicians. Start with city and go county, state and federal if you aren't getting answers. Write to Michelle Obama. Park yourself on your state's Capitol steps with flyers and a sandwich-board sign if you don't think you're being heard and then let the local newspaper know you're going to be there and why. WITH your notebook of who declined to help and why.

QUESTION AUTHORITY. My life's motto. I hate to put it this way, but I can be quite the little b*tch when I'm tested. Think about the squeaky wheel. :) But do it respectfully and legally.

There are times that peace is an elusive thing only because it's time to replace it with being proactive. If that is the place you are -- where there is way more pain, heartache and concern than any good person deserves, then do your best to change it.

Whatever your choice, examine it and ask yourself if you'd be happy with that choice in a year, two years, five years. You'll get your answer.

Many, may hugs to you, MamaLlama. I'm wishing you all the strength, love and fortitude you can stand. :)
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My concern is the effect on a child sharing a room with a dying woman. Long-term emotional effects, depression lasting several years can be the ultimate result. While your sister will not listen to you, she may listen to a nurse or doctor. It would be better to keep mom in her own home as long as possible.
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Now I understand a little more of the full story I can better see that you came to this site looking for comfort and what you received was tough love. No body wants to judge another who is suffering and situations such as yours are frankly unbelievable, not that I am saying your account is lies. I totally believe what you have said. I certainly had not known that your niece is autistic, my understanding was that she had ADHD which is a very different ball of wax. I don't know at this point who is the worst off your mother or your niece. At least your mother will soon find peace which I don't see in the future for your sister or niece. This can only end badly for them. I can understand your fear of becoming involved in this mess and for the safety of yourself and your little ones I believe you should remain at a safe distance. If you do decide to attend your mother's funeral perhaps you could take a couple of your strong military friends as bodyguards. Sending you kind thoughts
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Oops, I meant that I'm surprised that the teachers didn't see her MOM as enough of a threat to make some phone calls... You'd think they would have... I don't get it. I'm just totally boggled.
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I'm sorry if my anger seemed directed at you. I've been thinking about this a lot, all last night, and this morning, too. I understand you're doing all you can.

I'm just...boggled. It blows my mind that nobody, not you, but authority figures, cops, teachers, are just...doing nothing, have done nothing, blow this off and don't see a problem. I don't understand how this individual has gotten away with this bad, outrageous behavior for so long! What the cops told you in your second paragraph just makes me go O__O. I mean...seriously? Has the system really gone that far downhill? They think this is a joke? And nobody will visit the house, look into this? I mean...what in the hell is going on? I'm flabbergasted! And disgusted.

Hearing of the reaction of other family members concerning your sister goes a long, long way in clearing up a lot of things about all this for me. They have indeed enabled her bad behavior... Just...ugh...

Like I've mentioned before, because of care giving, I've been living under a rock for a long time, away from humanity. This story, the fact that absolutely nothing can be done about this woman and her craziness, just royally pissed me off. I don't accept bad behavior into my world. You sounded too passive to me at first, I'll admit it, and I am sorry about that, I didn't mean to come off so hard... But now, I'm just angry at those stupid teachers, those so called police, the whole stupid, broken down system if that's how they handle these things! It's mind blowing. It's almost hard to believe that that's how things really work now, that there's some lame excuse from authority figures as to why nothing can be done... It's insane. And that poor kid! No authority figure is willing to check on her? I am blown.

This story is like something out of the twilight zone. I'm not surprised that your niece was thrown out of the schools, I'm surprised that the damn teachers didn't see her as enough of a threat to call someone!

I am sorry if I pointed a finger at you. I realize now that you've been trying, with obviously no results. Again, I'm just...shocked. Shocked that people get away with this bad behavior, that the kid is living like she is... And there's just no help to be had, from anyone, from anywhere... It's incredible. I am so sorry that you're having to deal with it. I can't even begin to imagine...

We have guns, too, in the house. I would have been tempted to use one by now. Good Lord...

I think I'll crawl back into my cave now. It's safer there. Sheesh!
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I hear you & yeah, this is outrageous & seems 36 flavors of wrong. If my husband hadn't witnessed most of it himself, many others wouldn't believe it either. Sad but true. The only reason I'm responding to you at this point is because it is helping me channel my frustration & clearly define the problems (at least their clear to me). I have no interest in participating in an Internet disagreement.

To address some concerns:
I've reported her to the cops many times 1. They say its a petty "he said she said" squabble that the police should be left out of. Even when witnesses came forward, police said there was no crime committed because I had the sense & agility to not let her physically harm me. 2. I can't (what was told to me by police) file a restraining order or protective order in our case, because according to them, she lives too far away to pose a threat. When I told them I visit my mother & other family in the city, they said I'm doing so at my own risk.

My mother has always been afraid of her, but very much in denial about it. Se claimed it was speculation & wrong for that matter, when anyone told her otherwise. She often denied it fully, WHEN I would get her help...because for some time, she was dependent on her financially. I was in college & she didn't want me to worry, so I didn't hear about that for many years. It sucks, but I often seem like the only one with a problem with any of it so no one acts.

My family wants to keep her out of the prison system, so like many people who enable & defend, they take her behavior & tell everyone who has a problem to pray for her & that she doesn't know better, or that is how she is. Yeah, sounds crazy to me too.

My nieces father has become a drug addict since the divorce, so the courts keep her with my sister. They won't visit the home & I honestly don't know why...nor do I know why she hasn't been taken away. Al I do know is that no family members will take her because they don't want to deal with her mother.

The fights between staff at the schools caused officials to dismiss my niece because her parent was a danger to staff. (She picked her up & dropped her off daily) I don't see how that seems odd...aside from someone being stupid enough to fight at your kids school.

I feel no guilt by any of what was said. I think, based on the seemingly agitated & angry nature of some of your posts, that your intention was more about saying that I'm wrong or not doing enough & less about giving me any helpful advice or comfort. No one opens their door expecting to get crap thrown in their face, & I didn't share my stoy expecting an inquisition. That's the problem with the anonymity of the Internet...it takes away ones compassion. Kick her butt is not good advice, but I definitely won't say I haven't thought of it. I'm an avid gun collector & have a mean headshot so...yeah, the thoughts have crossed my mind. There is a reason why many abuse sufferors don't go to the police...fear or retaliation or just good old police laziness & lack of help. Many who report situations like mine (I know a few people personally) say the cops often literally laugh & tell them to come back when they've been assaulted or physically hurt. The system is broken. That's why child a users & drug addict get their kids back & those kids die in their care, or why elder abuse is so prevalent...because, like you, no one believes its happening. When they do entertain the thought, it's often accusatory stating how one should have taken action sooner...& the loop begins again.

I sincerely thank you for your comments. While we may not share the same views & you think my story is nuts or made up or whatever, just know you've helped someone who's dealing with a horrible situation, channel their feelings long enough to understand them fully. I hope others don't go through what we've dealt with. I won't deal with it again. So, yeah...if I've helped you understand, great...if not & you still think its a load of crap & that you could do better, I'd love o meet you so that we may trade lives for a while, or better yet hire you as my bodyguard :)
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You say in one sentence your mother is afraid of this woman. Who in their right mind would make someone they feared their primary care giver? Would YOU? And so what? If I knew what you knew. this would have stopped a long time ago.

I find it hard to believe that police won't do anything, especially if you can prove what you say.

When she attacked YOU, w;ith a CHILD in your arms, did you call the cops? Report her? File a restraining order? Tell the cops that you feared for your LIFE? Ask, INSIST, on a psychiatric evaluation? You did? And they wouldn't DO anything? Nothing about this makes sense to me.

I'm not trying to guilt you, but your story is so outrageous I find it hard to believe. Someone threatens your life, attacks you for no reason, and the cops just blow you off? My, the world certainly has gotten jacked up these last 10 years.

And I just called you on a very confusing post that made no sense to me whatsoever. If you feel any guilt about this mess, don't look at me. I'm not putting it there. If hard questions make you feel guilty or negative, don't look at me. That wasn't my intent.

And kids can get kicked out of school, because their crazy parents 'fight' with staff nowadays? If the fighting was so bad that kid is getting kicked out of school, did any of these teachers see a red flag flying and call anybody?

Like I said, I can't wrap my head around it. You have witnesses to crazy behavior. You yourself said this woman is crazy enough to be in a psych ward, which means she's a real danger...but nobody, not you, not the cops, the teachers, can to do a single thing. Makes no sense to me. At all. Sorry.

Inner peace, you say? I personally wouldn't be peaceful in your shoes, but that's just me. I'd be uneasy and pissed off as hell.

Oh, and everything Veronica said. I agree with everything she said, based on what you're saying. Glad I'm not the only one who sees red flags here.
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Standalone, when police won't do anything & your loved one is taking the other persons side, there isn't much legal recourse one can take. My mom has made the decision, well before her decline, to make sis the primary caregiver. I can't do a thing but take her against her will. Yes I care about my innocent family & their safety & I also care about my ability to maintain gainful employment. I have no interest in becoming a felon or at the very least getting stitches, so beating her is out of the question. I appreciate and understand your perspective, though it does seem like your intention is to impose guilt or some other negative emotion that someone in my position is in no need of. I'm well aware of all the vile things I could & some would say should do to her. There comes a point in life when inner peace outweighs negativity & I've hit that milestone long ago. Thanks for your time.
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Oh, and is your mom part of that family you care so much about? Just wondering.
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I had to re read your post several times, especially that second paragraph, because I'm getting more confused by the minute...

Well, no, sometimes it's not as easy as simply telling someone off and they go away. Would that it was. I'm trying to wrap my head around your post.

Yeah, you can buy those lift chairs for stairs for the elderly...

Maybe it's just my weirded out mind, but you're describing a nut job 7 ways to Sunday. You just said this woman needs to be committed. That she's a real danger. You're carrying MACE around. The woman attacked YOU, with a baby in your arms, you claim she literally tried to KILL you? Sorry, Mama, but had that been me, I would have claimed self defense at some point and would have taken a base ball bat to her ass and beat her within an inch of her life had she threatened me and mine like that. Um...security clearance? What security clearance? You have a monster like that in your midst and you're sweating a security clearance? Your own mothers freaking life could be on the line, you say she's afraid of this crazy bitch, but you're discussing security clearances? What the hell...? You say 'nobody will DO anything'?? Did I hear you right?

All I've got to say is....you don't want to hear what I've got to say from this point on.... I feel the need to take a real deep breath.
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Thanks for all your comments and advice. My mom thinks she's being well taken care of so no matter how hard I fight, it just looks like I'm out to get my sister. That's the messed up part. Because it APPEARS like I'm the one trying to rock the boat, when I've told the hospital staff to visit my sisters home & see what I mean. They live in an area that's being gentrified, so there's a mix of run down homes & nicely kept historical properties. Hers is 100yrs old but well worn...the fact is, there are so many people in her area doing worse, that it makes her home & situation seem like a good alternative. I've offered mom our third bedroom we have seated shower & everything she could want...just 38 stairs & 3 stories, so that won't work...& the 100+ mile distance from her family & friends.

It seems simple. Just tell her off & take charge...the only thing that will do is lead one or both of us to the local jail. It's not like a normal " crazy" person. I carry bear mace when I'm in town just so I don't get caught out there. She threatened to kill me & tried to fight me in the street like a dog after I asked her to honor her repayment timeline for a loan. & tried to fight me while my then 5 month old baby was in my arms.

My niece is autistic, but she won't get her properly evaluated...probably due to embarrassment. She has gotten her kicked out of 3 preschools & 2 elementary schools for fighting with staff. Any help is seen as criticism & she attacks in any way possible. She physically fought my grandmother (years ago when she was like 68). She needs to be committed, but no one will do anything & I care too much about my family & security clearance to stoop to her level...which is the only thing she responds to.
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@ standing alone, i completely agree with you. people will bully you only if you let them. witholding family visitors from an elder is one of the major indicators of elder abuse and id at least talk to the mothers social advocate and if shes ever hospitalized or on hospice she will damn well have one assigned to her. i have a rather unstable older sister too but when i roar that m-f backs off..
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