My sister won't allow my family to visit dying mother!
We are a military family & this is the closest we've been to my home in 8 years. Mom has lung cancer that spread to the brain and multiple tumors that have appeared in the last 5 weeks. She is declining mentally; trouble remembering & speaking clearly, as well as physically with seizures & weakness in her right side. I have been there from day 1 financially, emotionally & physically (when I can with my toddler & 4 month old as well as living over 100 miles away). I've helped her understand what is happening to her, as well as her options. Se has gone from being scared and in denial, to content with life & at peace with what must be. We pray together & share fond memories & I do what no one else thinks she can handle...I tell her the truth & allow her to talk about death. I say allow because my older sister thinks that is stressful & says mom will pull through this. My mom is beginning to suffer but wants to hang in because my sister isn't ready to let her go. She will undergo 12 additional radiation treatments and chemo just so she can go out "fighting". This was never her wish. She never wanted to prolong such a fate & we even discussed it with doctors before her mental decline.
My sister is going to be her primary caregiver, not by choice. She is forcing the role upon herself so that we don't "get off thinking we're in control". My mother wishes to live in comfort, with as much dignity as possible & in her own home. I want to provide in home care (all paid for by my husband & I) and allow her to live where she chooses.
My mother is afraid of my sister & everyone knows it. It has been this way for many years, but because she is her child, mom doesn't want to see the truth. My sister wants to keep her in her 2 bedroom home (sharing a room with my 10 yr old niece) with exposed subfloor on the downstairs, no shower( just a claw tub mom can't use) & no access to food without anyone getting it for her. My sister works full time & can't afford in home care (I had to pay her mortgage so that my niece would have a place to live-avoid foreclosure). I'm not trying to sound haughty, but after that, she replayed me by writing a bad check and cursing my family with profanities and lies.
I don't think mom is safe with her. My sis is 15.5 yrs older than me & mentally & physically abused me from 3-16 years old. I'm not just being dramatic or trying to sway your opinion...even her councilors & psychiatrists have tried in vain to get her to understand the severity of her disorder. She is bipolar & abuses her daughters ADHD meds & takes them with diet pills.
In the past she has openly shamed my mother for being incontinent & messy. She lied to hospital officials saying to not let me or my family visit my mother & call security if I tried. She called my husband and cursed him out because I "taddled" on her when I mentioned (to my brother in law) that we were leaving the hospital so that they may return (they left as to avoid us). She has such a hatred for me & my mom says its jealousy from my birth, since I've "always wanted to take ma away from her".
No one can reason with her. She hangs up in the middle of conversations & lies to make it seem like I'm the problem. I don't even understand why she puts so much thought into what I'm doing because I've only helped my mom. only since her last diagnosis has she stopped saying mom was making excuses. she has denied my help even when it benefits mom, just so she can be praised as the one who "takes care of ma all by myself". She even tries to shame me by saying in front of others, that I never help...if that was the case then my mom wouldn't have many of the comforts she enjoyed.
She screens my mothers phone calls & even her husband doesn't want to go up against her because she has been physically abusive to him as well. Still I have outsiders say "you two need to get over your issues for your moms sake". I have no issues with her. All of what I've mentioned was for the understanding of the reader. I love her as a child of god & pray for her often. I don't understand why she treats people this way & would deny me the right to simply visit my mom. It's hurting my mom too, but she doesn't want it known that she is the reason all the problems start & openly denies & tells me I'm stressing my mom.
I need help. I said goodbye to my mom during this last visit because I'm sure my sister won't let me see her again. I won't be able to go to her funeral. I've been thrust into a state of mourning before truly losing her & it's shameful & sad that it comes at the hand of a person who has abused & tormented me my entire life. This is simply the final display of her abuse of power...to keep a dying mother from her baby. Should I do anything or make peace with my loss?