My sister won't allow my family to visit dying mother!

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We are a military family & this is the closest we've been to my home in 8 years. Mom has lung cancer that spread to the brain and multiple tumors that have appeared in the last 5 weeks. She is declining mentally; trouble remembering & speaking clearly, as well as physically with seizures & weakness in her right side. I have been there from day 1 financially, emotionally & physically (when I can with my toddler & 4 month old as well as living over 100 miles away). I've helped her understand what is happening to her, as well as her options. Se has gone from being scared and in denial, to content with life & at peace with what must be. We pray together & share fond memories & I do what no one else thinks she can handle...I tell her the truth & allow her to talk about death. I say allow because my older sister thinks that is stressful & says mom will pull through this. My mom is beginning to suffer but wants to hang in because my sister isn't ready to let her go. She will undergo 12 additional radiation treatments and chemo just so she can go out "fighting". This was never her wish. She never wanted to prolong such a fate & we even discussed it with doctors before her mental decline.

My sister is going to be her primary caregiver, not by choice. She is forcing the role upon herself so that we don't "get off thinking we're in control". My mother wishes to live in comfort, with as much dignity as possible & in her own home. I want to provide in home care (all paid for by my husband & I) and allow her to live where she chooses.

My mother is afraid of my sister & everyone knows it. It has been this way for many years, but because she is her child, mom doesn't want to see the truth. My sister wants to keep her in her 2 bedroom home (sharing a room with my 10 yr old niece) with exposed subfloor on the downstairs, no shower( just a claw tub mom can't use) & no access to food without anyone getting it for her. My sister works full time & can't afford in home care (I had to pay her mortgage so that my niece would have a place to live-avoid foreclosure). I'm not trying to sound haughty, but after that, she replayed me by writing a bad check and cursing my family with profanities and lies.

I don't think mom is safe with her. My sis is 15.5 yrs older than me & mentally & physically abused me from 3-16 years old. I'm not just being dramatic or trying to sway your opinion...even her councilors & psychiatrists have tried in vain to get her to understand the severity of her disorder. She is bipolar & abuses her daughters ADHD meds & takes them with diet pills.

In the past she has openly shamed my mother for being incontinent & messy. She lied to hospital officials saying to not let me or my family visit my mother & call security if I tried. She called my husband and cursed him out because I "taddled" on her when I mentioned (to my brother in law) that we were leaving the hospital so that they may return (they left as to avoid us). She has such a hatred for me & my mom says its jealousy from my birth, since I've "always wanted to take ma away from her".

No one can reason with her. She hangs up in the middle of conversations & lies to make it seem like I'm the problem. I don't even understand why she puts so much thought into what I'm doing because I've only helped my mom. only since her last diagnosis has she stopped saying mom was making excuses. she has denied my help even when it benefits mom, just so she can be praised as the one who "takes care of ma all by myself". She even tries to shame me by saying in front of others, that I never help...if that was the case then my mom wouldn't have many of the comforts she enjoyed.

She screens my mothers phone calls & even her husband doesn't want to go up against her because she has been physically abusive to him as well. Still I have outsiders say "you two need to get over your issues for your moms sake". I have no issues with her. All of what I've mentioned was for the understanding of the reader. I love her as a child of god & pray for her often. I don't understand why she treats people this way & would deny me the right to simply visit my mom. It's hurting my mom too, but she doesn't want it known that she is the reason all the problems start & openly denies & tells me I'm stressing my mom.

I need help. I said goodbye to my mom during this last visit because I'm sure my sister won't let me see her again. I won't be able to go to her funeral. I've been thrust into a state of mourning before truly losing her & it's shameful & sad that it comes at the hand of a person who has abused & tormented me my entire life. This is simply the final display of her abuse of power...to keep a dying mother from her baby. Should I do anything or make peace with my loss?

42 Comments

The question is who did your mother give power of attorney to?
She hasn't specified through legal documentation. She said she wants my sister to handle her medical needs & me the finances...but fails to realize that the medical care costs. This was mostly a vent but I truly don't know if anything can be done.
You might check with an elder's attorney. If it's too late to establish POA (especially if your mom is in a facility), you may be able to gain guardianship.
Well the sad truth that I read in your post is that your mom has never been able to face the issues that your sister presents, even when she was healthy. If she had, she would have put you as POA for both healthcare and finances. Your mom has made her choices and even though they're horrible choices to you, I'd say honor them. It's sad and awful, but your mom has chosen to support your sister over her own health and the ability to see you in her final days. I'd say let things stand and do the best you can to come to terms with your mom's situation. I just can't see the benefit in creating a big fight when your mom is in such a frail state and likely has limited time. When your mom goes, you can be done with your hateful, spiteful sister. Hugs to you...
Is there any outsider that your sister might listen to? A clergyman, or her counsellor or your mother's doctor? I had a mentally ill, very unreasonable aunt-in-law who finally agreed that it was wrong to keep a mother from her child, the aunt's husband. She continued to block the siblings, but allowed visits by his mother.

If it can be presented to her that it would be a generous, magnanimous gesture, not for your benefit, because you are clearly evil and don't deserve anything (in her opinion), but for your mother's benefit, because a mother still loves all her children, however unworthy, she might be induced to allow a visit or two. (Sorry for the long sentence!)

You might have to do some grovelling that you shouldn't have to do, but if you can let her be right about everything, she is more likely to relent.

Of course you know the situation best, and I could be totally wrong. I am so sorry for your situation.
Jinx4740, you're spot on about what I would need to do. Sadly, she is in a state so far beyond reason, that any attempt to reconcile always leads to her feeling attacked (even when it's not the case) & she fights back with insults. They never make any sense either...she said I wanted to be a prostitute & threatens me with violence because I asked her to speak calmly. All the while, she tells doctors & people who don't know me, that I'm a dangerous, belligerent threat to society...I'm Mormon for crying out loud...I won't wear an offensive hemline, much less threaten society. She would love for me to grovel and after I'm done, deny me the right to peacefully visit (while hurling insults & trying to embarrass me in front of others for doing so).

No matter how badly it hurts me, I've chosen to avoid this & give my mother the peace she deserves. She eventually won't remember me anyway & by then, the visits would just be for my sake...if I grieve & move on now, I hope to avoid further pain & threats of violence.
This may be hard to hear. Your Mom was clearly not protecting you when you were growing up from your sister's abuse... and, clearly, did not think she was a threat to anyone, let alone herself. With that said, your Mom is simply reaping what she's sown. She could have drawn a legal boundary (POA) when she was able bodied, and chose not to do so. Now she is living in a seemingly less than adequate living situation.

Wash your hands and seek and pray to Jesus Christ of Nazareth for you, your Mom, and your sister.
Good Lawd, I guess I'm the only crazy here, because I don't agree with the groveling advice. Forget that.

You say you're a military family. So is mine. Ok, where is the strength, the spine, in this family? Why in God's name has your sister been allowed this much power, and why in the hell are you all tip toeing around her like you're on egg shells? Piss on that.

Next time she gives you any shit, and won't let you see your mom, and starts acting like some out of control lunatic, you tell her that you are going to call the police on her and insist on a psychiatric evaluation. Tell that bitch that you'll have her ass in a psyche ward before all is said and done by the time YOU get done talking, yes indeed, and you've got witnesses that can back you up in front of any judge, several people in fact that think she's a nut job and a danger to your mother. And then see what happens. She plays hard ball, you play hard ball. The end. You win. You don't need to FEAR this loon, you need to FIGHT her tooth and nail. You don't think your mom is safe? Then what the heck is she still doing in that woman's clutches? Call the damn cops for God's sake. DNA and family ties be damned. Lose this bullying bitch once and for all, for every body's sake....
Your sister is TELLING you that she's going to be your mom's primary care giver? Really now... You look her dead in the eye and say over your dead body. NO. NO. HELL NO. That is the only answer there should be, imho. Stop this insanity any way you can right now. This is just unacceptable for your mom.. Nobody should have to live in fear.
And now, for your amusement... I got a kick out of this video...

When I saw this scene on Game Of Thrones, I literally laughed such an evil, happy, gleeful laugh.....This is my fantasy interpretation come to life, thank you GOT, of how I think the entire world should handle bullies, losers, abusers, narcissists, crazies, downers, and the rest of those kinds of undesirables.... ha ha ;)





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