Help me help my mother, please!!

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I'm having very bad problem,my sister is killing my mother slowly and I can't help mom cause sis has power of attorney. someone help!!!!!!!! please!!!! my mom is up in her age, and has had a stroke. at first we were told she was brain dead. and the family decided to take her off of breathing machine and leave in Gods hands,my sister told doctor to put a tryke in her throat and doctor told her that if they did that she wouldn't die as fast, and that it would be a long term thing. family disapproved but she has power of attorney and had doctor do it anyway. the next day she changed her mind and told them to take machines off of her, the doctor was even upset about her choices. so they take machines off and my mom breathes on her own, so then my sister decides she wants to put her in hospice, which was done and while being there she showed improvements, she recognized all of us, she could move her arm and her legs, she is now at home with hospice still and she has had everyone in our family told by police we cannot go there again! she has taken off her feeding tube, so that in her words ( she doesn't have to clean her up ). my father is there but, he's believing everything is right. it's not, she's giving my mother morphine all the time. my moms doctor was told he wasn't needed any more. I need help! in Levittown Pa. 19057


jwsonofeleanor I am sorry to hear of your conflict. There is one thing I think you may not understand Hospice is only a need for end of life situations. If it is obvious that Mom is showing signs of the end being near and she needs... to be treated comfortably until she passes and there's nothing else can be done that's why Hospice is there. Really sorry for you all.... my Mom is no where near this point but I have already told myself I am going to leave it up to God, when it's time, I am really not wanting to make this decision.
My MIL who is also on hospice, moves her arms and legs. She can talk, and often has good days where she is able to feed herself and eat quite heartily.

But even with all that, she is still dying. She needs her pain meds, she doesn't need to be in pain during this dying process - if it can be avoided.

I have noticed that some of the people who care for her are in denial about her status. When they see her eat, they think she is getting better. Kind of sad.
thats a very abusive person who denies the family the right to visit. i think the law is wrong to enforce such selfish silliness.
In what way do you think that your sister is killing your mother? What do you think she should be doing differently?

It is wonderful that Mom regained enough cognition to recognize her family. But she is now dying. That is very sad, for all of you. She will die with or without morphine. She will die on hospice or not on hospice. She will die with or without a feeding tube. In fact, during the dying process a feeding tube or manual feeding may make things more difficult for her body. Her time is near. That is not your sister's fault.

Even on hospice care my husband was able to get out of bed. He recognized everyone. He had a hearty breakfast the day he died. But none of those things meant that he was recovering or that he could get well. He was on the final portion of his journey. He had a terminal condition and he was dying. Hospice helped ensure it was as pain-free and distress-free as possible.

Hospice has their own doctor, and generally it is that doctor who oversees the care. In our case my husband's primary physician was still available for consultation, but there was no need for consultation.

You say Mom is "home" -- is that her home? Is it your father who is with her? Is it your father who has banned you from his home? The one thing here that doesn't seem right is the banishing of other family from visits. Had the visits gotten very stressful for Mom?

It might help for you to have a talk with the hospice social worker assigned to your mother, to get a clearer idea of what hospice is all about. And perhaps she can try to intervene on your behalf to enable you to visit with your mother.

My heart goes out to you. It is hard to know that a loved one is dying.
About the social worker -- I should have said he or she. Ours was female and I had her in mind, but they come in both genders!
Go immediately and file for a change of POA on the grounds of what she is doing. Just because she has it, does not mean a judge can't change it. The doctor is a witness.
This is a tough one. If you really think Sis is hastening mom's death, rather than providing compassionate care, ask what the motive might be, and also why she is excluding you all...if there is some kind of bad motive going on and sister somehow stands to gain from Mom dying sooner rather than later, you can make a for to Adult Protective Services and they would investigate. I can see you are in a bind; the people answering you here think it is most likely appropriate care and we all know how hard it is to lose a loved one and easy to wish it wasn't so... Think hard about whether that could be right, because the rift between you and sister could be permanent if you make a report; on the other hand if you are right you would likely regret it if you don't at least try to make a difference. If you want to share more information with us, you certainly can and we could try to help sort it out...hugs, prayers for healing for everyone in your family!
Possibly a meeting with hospice staff and sister at their offices would be helpful before deciding anything?

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