Sister found an excuse to walk away.


I love my mother very much, I have had her for almost 2 years now and its been tough trying to adapt. She is a pleasure, I'm just not use to constant care. As I told you in an earlier conversation somehow I manage to stay single until I was 54 I have recently married for the first time, he is a wonderful man I could not ask for someone that supports me more with Mom and helps in every way possible. I am so thankful for him, he has a special needs son that is 22 and a joy, not in bad shape like most may think just a little slow but requires a lot of attention so this has been a very tough 2 years learning how to deal with all of this change in my life. I think the thing that bothers me most about my sister is that when she is in a family setting you would think that she did so much, she cries to my friends and tells them how much this has hurt her and how she wishes she lived closer to help me more. Most of them know what is going on because they grew up around her and have known for years what she is like. As far as the family they have no idea and I just keep my mouth shut. I have gave her every option to come see mom and just give me a weeks break but she has made it plain that she will not come and her Florida vacation will not be passed up for anything. I feel terrible that it came to blows the other night over text, I have repeatedly ask her not to have conversations with me over a text to pick up the phone and call, but she does it every time, she will text me at the wrong time and start telling me how much she loves me and wants to help me, this time I told her off, I'm so tired of hearing this and then every time I tell her that if she would just come down for a week to give me a break she tells me NO she is not willing to do this, we have had this conversation so many times I just don't want to go there anymore and I have told her but she just keeps on and on. She comes across as so caring when others are involved but has even gone to the extent of telling me that if I even think about bringing Mom to her house she will drop her off at the closest nursing home. I don't mind at all that mom lives with us, actually I'm glad she did live with my sister for a short time and I had to constantly worry about her. I was told that it was the best place for her because at the time I had no one around to help me, this was before my marriage, well she never got the help and was leaving my mom alone for 9 hours a day at one point she fell and had a terrible black eye and my sister did not tell me for about a week. To this day she will make up excuses as to why she did not seek the proper help like she had told me she would do there is always an excuse for everything. My niece will graduate this years as an RN, she is a little miss know it all that needs to be taken down a few pegs. I have friends that have been RN's for 30 years but she thinks she knows more, one of them was a supervisor for Alzhimers in home health and was trying to help but my sister and niece though the niece knew more. LOL when mom lived at my sisters I was told that my niece could not go around mom that it hurt her to bad to see her this way so everything I was told were lies concerning my moms care. The worst part is when Mom sits and gets worried that my sister will be upset that she is spending so much time with me and non with her. I never say a word, I just let her go on knowing that in a few minutes she will forget. Now during the fight the other night, I'm now being called a self righteous ----- because I called her on all of this. she started with the text again on how she wanted to help and I told her your not willing to help in the way that I need it, you just want to sit up there and receive reports on what is going on with mom, you barley call and just want to bark orders at me, I even let her know that if she wanted to see mom or help me that she could get a round trip ticket for 20.00 at Spirit airlines, yes if you are lucky enough to live in the right cities and watch they do run these specials. Well her answer to that was that she would have to pay for luggage???? REALLY its only 20.00 and she does have the money, I even told her that she could buy the ticket out of moms account it would cost about 40.00 round trip but These are the type of excused that I get, kind of hard to swallow. I hate that we have come to this but when someone will not stop with the texting and comments making everyone believe that she is so caring and then say the things to me that she has its very hard to deal with and I found it all pouring out of my mouth. She has used this fight to tell me that she had done everything in the world to help and I can just do it all on my own. I guess that makes everything fine in her mind to just walk off completely and not feel guilty. I have no idea how someone can be so uncaring for a parent, we did not have a bad childhood it was actually a very nice one we came from a loving home.

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Your sister is not cut out to be a caregiver (I'm not either, and my mom, though not social is getting good care in her nh). Use mom's funds to hire respite care workers or to send mom to adult day care.

No, mom is not that far along, i see her slipping but not to the point of what i here from so many. My Mom has always been unsocial and we all know that would destroy her unless she is at the point that she would not realize. She is no trouble and helps around the house, we just need to make sure she eats, takes her medician and the doctors have warned us not to leave her alone. I really do view her as a pleasure and glad she is with us i would just like my sister to give us a break once in a while.

Is your sister of the opinion that mom's needs would be better met in a group care setting and you feel that it's better to keep her at home?