Follow
Share

Just venting. I am so sick of the title of "whine moment today". I want to call it something else. We aren't whining, we are just saying it like it is. We can't all afford to go to a therapist, we are just talking to other human beings that are going thru the same things we are. We want to know we are not alone.If anything I am sick of hearing from people who say "well they took care of us when we were little" Listen to what you are saying. When your parents were taking care of you when you were little , which they were supposed to do since they brought you into this world without your input, they were in their 20's,30's. Now "we" that "owe" them are in our 50's 60's' 70's trying to take care of demented, immobile ,incontinent sometimes violent people with few monetary resources because many gave up their jobs, can't get help from siblings or other relatives and we are expected to give up our lives. Also some of us are taking care of people that abused us as children such as myself.Put them in AL or a NH before it kills you.Sure you will feel guilty,but you can get over guilt.Again, that's why these places have shifts of people that do this, anyone trying to do this by themselves 24/7 is committing suicide.YOU CAN"T DO THIS!.It's hard to accept this,it's not like you are throwing them in a ditch.Children's minds grow, learn, get potty trained. Not with geriatric care, it is a downward spiral.Sometimes all you can do for someone is make sure they are safe, clean and fed if they can eat. And for God's sake don't let someone guilt you into putting in a feeding tube.It just prolongs' the enevitable.Dying is part of life.I worked in a MICU, medical intensive care unit,OMG! the things I saw family's let doctor's talk them into doing to their 90 something parents. Let these people die at home. DNR does not mean do not treat, at least not at the hospital I worked at. It just meant that if they stopped breathing we didn't put a giant *ss plastic tube through their vocal chords because that is where it is placed and now they can't talk and put them on a ventilator and now you have to sedate them because it ain't pleasant being on one, I know, I have been on one briefly.Also if their heart stops we don't give drugs to try to get it started or do chest compressions because no matter how well they are done ,ribs get broken, lungs get punctured, a code is a brutal thing to witness, it ain't like it is on TV.Talk with your parents before dementia, talk with your spouse what you do and don't want done because if you don't you will get a phone call in the middle of the night and that is a h*ll of a time to make a life and death decision and sometimes we didn't have time to make the phone call because if their is no advanced directive we had intubate and the whole 9 yards.Why let your "loved" lay in a NH for YEARS, yes years the human body can exist and that is all it is , existence,some don't even know they are human.Hospice is still a dirty word for a lot of MD"s, they just can't let go like they are trying to win a football game and somehow it reflects on them.Unless they can make the person younger death will come.The only thing we have control over is to make our loved one comfortable, not afraid and that ain't gonna happen in a hospital. A good hospice can do everything at your home except put them on a ventilator or do cpr.They can give antibiotics,I see that as comfort care, also O2.narcotic pumps,quit calling 911 your only extending the pain,the ER can't fix 90 year old people.And if a MD is trying to talk you into a transplant, think it through, I worked in a transplant unit, you either did great or lingered and died. The antirejection drugs are a 2 edge sword, transplant is not a cure,you trade one set of problems for another set of problems but sometimes that second set of problems you have a slightly better quality of life.Talk to others about death, it seems to be the big elephant in the room, well it's there and it ain't going away.Also for those of you that might be facing breast cancer,really think it through about reconstruction, I been in the OR many times thru these surgerys, it's brutal.Speaking only for myself I would never have it done, just take my boobs, I don't identify myself as a woman because of my boobs,I won't risk infection and longer anesthetic time so I can wear a bra.Well, I guess you can call this my rant for the day. I just hate to read people just agonizing over what's the right thing to do for mama,who is 70-90.I don't think I ever read anywhere in the bible to stick moma on a ventilator.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
My half cent's worth-I don't read it anymore either because of the title. I understand the view that it's a way to post without starting a new topic, but since it's kind of a "catch all" I found whatever was being discussed was outside my realm of interest. Of course, I'm likely to miss great info as well.
(0)
Report

Well said Tex!
(0)
Report

I agree with you Tex.
(0)
Report

Thank you Tex for this thread.
(0)
Report

if head hit first you wouldnt have to read this... hahahaha. dont war old flip flops, too dangerous.
(0)
Report

we are not in this boat alone. Thats for sure. Everyone has issues, some more than others... at the end...does it really matter? Just down today - sorry. this is my whine moment. just take me out peacefully, thats all I ask for, and for my loved ones. One thing I did notice after falling hard on leg and then head. My brain was scrambled, but didn't hurt. The head hurt but no the brain. Didn't know anyting for a long time, had to ask friend if Iturned of the hose and if hubby was mad. Nobody home, Now I get tired. cnat drift, and thing straight. oh well. maybenext time i'll fall harder....ooops
(0)
Report

I like our whine thread. I haven't read it all, but I've read and posted quite often. And to tell the truth, when I post there I am whining and not very serious. I mean, things like my mother always having to squirrel away a morsel of food to take home from a restaurant is not serious. But it is whine worthy because it's irritating. If we aren't able to see some humor in things along the way, and if we're not able to laugh at ourselves by being irritated, then the later stages of the journey would be too hard to go through.

The word whine doesn't bother me if you guys use it. Now if my brother accused me of whining, I would probably bap him in the head.
(6)
Report

Do you need your elderly parent to have a will if you already have the power of attorney and medical living will? My mother is completely blind, disabled and in the first stages of dementia. She has no property, car etc other than her retirement check. She lives with me and I take care of everything for her. Does anyone know if I need that document as well?
(0)
Report

Well said, tex. I have thought for years that what often happens near the end of life is that all the medical measures taken prolong the dying process, rather than extending life of any quality. There comes a time to let nature take its course.

I don't object to the word whine, It seems to have given people permission to release their complaints, b*tches, the way it is or whatever you want to call it that come with the territory of care giving. It is a venting thread and venting helps. ((((hugs))))) to all on this difficult journey.
(5)
Report

Sorry, got posted prematurely. This site is amazing, posting as it does without making me prove I'm not a machine, but sometimes it's a little hasty.
;
As I was saying, others are probably not as word conscious as I am. I was born that way; I can't help it. My friend and I once had a lengthy discussion on whether Friday evening was part of the weekend or not. I said no; she thought yes.

Many of us need to vent as we have absolutely no one to talk to beyond the level of platitudes and trivialities. I know I have discussed some things that I have never before mentioned to anyone in my entire life. Just putting into words is an act of is revolution sometimes, and helps me think more rationally about what I need to do. I think venting can be useful, though I want my venting to lead to action as well.
(3)
Report

Hi, Jeanette. What I meant was that the word "whine" is objectionable, not the idea of attempting to explain problems to other people. Whining is what small children do and when such a word is applied to adults, I consider it to be a put down, pejorative, and insulting. It is saying the adult is no better than a two-year-old and not to be taken seriously. But maybe it is meant to be humorous, like, look, we don't take ourselves too seriously in this thread. But I think we should take ourselves seriously and each other seriously, because, God knows, no one else does. Maybe it is just that I am hype aware of words, and others don
(1)
Report

Yikes!!

Tex, I agree with everything you said except for the whine moment part. When I started that thread, I was whining. Sorry if it is offending you now. However, when I started it, I was tired. Day in day out it is the same. Wait, that's not true, my mother is getting worse so it's not really the same. That thread was meant for just what it stated. WHINE MOMENTS. We all need to occasional whine moment, least I do since I'm not a super human care giver, just a daughter doing my best who needs a safe place to vent my feelings or ask questions.

Movingup, that thread is not toxic. What is said on there for those who participate DO take it seriously. Even the silly stuff is taken seriously. I do not think there is one single person who is caring for a loved one, does NOT TAKE it all seriously. Personally, I have a lot more going on than just caring for my mother, but it all goes together, you see? This is our life at the moment. Whining is a way of telling it like it is. Not a mean nor toxic way.

Perhaps you should title your thread, "End of Life Decisions". It, to me, seems more appropriate. It wasn't but a short year ago that I was making those very decisions for my dying father and will end up doing it again for my mother. In the meantime, if I need to whine about how shitty life is at times.... then the whine thread it shall be.

Other than that well posted, well thought, full of emotions and like Cap said, turmoil. Life isn't always fair but we do our best for those we love.
(4)
Report

Thanks, Tex! I didn't give any thought to the "whine" term, and there are days where I probably am just 'whining', but you're right -- too many of us probably have this ingrained bad habit to minimize our circumstances and feelings. Invalidating them even as we mention them. And they're perfectly valid and reasonable.
(3)
Report

Well said Tex!!
(1)
Report

complicated stuff freqflyer . gillead sciences is presently tackling diseases that are too complicated for even the docs to understand -- and winning . the hepc treatment i just completed was based on protease inhibitors . anti viral meds replicated the virus closely enough to get a foot in the door then for lack of better terminology " neutered " the cells so they couldnt attach to heathy blood and liver cells and reproduce . gene altering technology with no letup in sight .
just make sure your health care advocate is the person you most trust to sthu and listen to what the professionals are saying at the time .
eight days into a 12 week treatment i felt the virus get stomped and rushes of o2 coursing thru my muscles ..
chemo isnt buckets full of interferon and a pat on the shoulder anymore .
how does a 100 % success rate grab you ?
(3)
Report

Actually I don't mind the "My Whine Moment for today" forum, and it helps me vent without starting another new *question* or *discussion* and sometimes I can get some really good tips from other readers who have experienced the same thing :)

I do agree 100% with what Texarkana is saying about extending life. I know for myself, I have it in writing not to extend my life if I am terminal and/or brain dead.... I don't want drugs that might cause major side effects just to live an extra 2 or 3 months, it's just not worth it.
(5)
Report

Texarkana, Thank you for expressing what I feel. My mother is 96 almost 97. She is now exhibiting severe age-related dementia. I put her under Hospice Comfort Care about three months ago. I could not stand to see the torture she went through in the ER three times in three months. She is starting to lose weight which is a normal process. I just spoke to her nurse yesterday who thanked me for having common sense and letting nature take its course. All the rest of the relatives she works with want to extend their parents' lives as long as they can. She would be proud that you feel the same way that I do. So there are two of us in Texas that feel the same way!
(1)
Report

I am sick of that title "whine moment today" too. In fact, I don't read it, won't touch it, it's toxic. It's like putting on a sign that says "Don't take me seriously."
(2)
Report

Good points texarkana. You bring up something personal in my life about making a life decision to take a loved one off life support.( in agreement with another) I agree to have loved ones make wills ( if possible BEFORE they are ill ) it will save a lot of decisions in the future for the family and that person suffering if they were to survive and they didnt want that. And Im doing that soon.

True about how hard it is caring for our loved ones and others like yourself caring for someone who had abused you. Its hard to decide the right thing to do for many reasons.

I am also on your side about not getting reconstructive surgery for breast cancer. Breast cancer/cancer runs in my family and I also will not worry about getting an implant- my grandmother didn't either. I would rather live and spend that money on my family.

Hugs to you
(0)
Report

THANK YOU TEX!!!!!!!
(2)
Report

i agree debra . you can feel the turmoil in it and it was an extreme act of kindness to share it . thanks texarcana .
(3)
Report

This is one of the most well informed posting I have ever seen for end of life care decisions regarding elderly parents. Thank you for posting it.
(5)
Report

reckon the thread title dont matter . i agree with everything you said texarcana .
people are hurting on here and for reasons it may take years to understand . raising kids was a part of life and the demise of elders is yet another . our own demise , yet another .
i can only refer back to the people who chose to stay in their radiated homesteads after the chernobyl meltdown . they were mostly older people . they said it was better to live on their own dirt for 5 years than an apartment in kiev for 15 . i think that speaks volumes about QOL .
i spent yesterday resting and reflecting and i have so much to be thankful for that it defies a starting and ending point . if i died today that statement wouldnt change . a lot of gain , a lot of loss , and then the never ending phenomenon of hope .. good things could happen to me . bad things could happen .
ya oughtta listen to the alice cooper classic " i am the future " ..
the future could scare one to death , let it go ..
TODAY , im gonna have strong coffee , tobacco , rest some more and go visit my aunt . havent gotten to tomorrow yet ..
(5)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter