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I need some SERIOUS advice. I have been caring for my sick dad for 5 years now. As of 3 weeks ago he started to get seriously ill, and has been hospitalized since.

Throughout the 5 years I have lived with, and given the most loving care a daughter could, but my two sisters have hated, and resented me for most of my life. I am disabled, and despite my infrequent requests for help , and asking them to jusy visit our father they have said "no" almost every time. They have been underhanded, and extremely cruel right under my dads radar. They have told him lies about me, and have blamed me for not coming to visit. I have reached out to them endless times by both calling myself, and having a counselor call them several times as well to resolve our problems. Each time the answer has been "NO". My dad still chose to believe them as one is married to a man my who my father feels is like the son he never had. He, and my other sisters boyfriend make the "gang" against me 4, and as we know there's power in numbers. I am the eldest daughter, and the only one who has agreed to live here, and care for him. I've given up my own personal life to be here, and have done all the chores, by myself on painful legs. I used much of my monthly allowance of money for household things, and my food stamps to pay for both our food, only to come up short at the end of each month. When there have been medical emergencies I've been the one to deal with them. Each time they've come running like the "doting daughters" criticizing my every move. I almost lost my mind over the whole thing after years of it until I had a breakthrough last summer. I came to understand that no one can upsey you unless you ALLOW them to. From then on things were okay, and I no longer was bothered.

The problem now, is that he is finally at the end, something I have mixed feelings about. I love my dad so much, but I can no longer watch his pain and sickness. About 2 months ago I found a small job that I do on donation only. I heal horses that have been abused through natural techniques. I have always considered it a calling, and not a job. It gives me about $20 a week which I need desperately. The problem was that dad had gotten so much worse I needed my sisters to just come a few times a week to heat up meals, and stay with him a little while afterwards to make sure he didn't pass out. He outright refused visiting nurses, and being that he had no dementia was the only one who could have requested their services. I called first my middle sister (50 yrs old) and asked her to come and heat his dinner. As usual she had a "Dr.'s appt.", her usual excuse but did say she had planned on stopping by for 10 mins to see him, but couldn't stay because of her "appt". I then called the other sister (42 yrs old) and asked her. Her answer was "I have had a high fever for 3 days, and don't want dad to catch it", also her usual excuse. They should both be dying for all their "maladies", but I have known they'd been lying all along, and had decided long ago to do the best I could on my own. For some reason on the day my sister came by for her "10 mins" I did something I have never done. I went outside, and called her Dr.'s office to confirm her appt. I was told by the secretary that "Friday is always his day off, and he does not see patients on that day." I was also told he was on vacation, and wouldn't be in the office till the following week. I came back in, and she was sitting by his bed. She apparently saw just how sick he really was, and told me she would "cancel her appt."! I then looked on Facebook to see what my other sister had been "up to" during her "fever" days. Yes, she was partying it up all over the place. My HUGE mistake was to call them on it...busted! They were FURIOUS...just absolutely out of their minds furious! The following morning my dad was hospitalized. The morning after that I was awakened at 6:30 with the two of them, and my 85 yr old aunt screaming at me to leave the house, and accusing me of being a "drug addict"!!!!!!!!!! I have NEVER EVER abused any kind of substance in my entire life!!! I had to call the police to get rid of them. They were violent! I could not understand where that allegation came from. Then . . . I knew. The week before, they were here on a Sunday. My sister (Dr. appt one) was talking about her pain, and how nothing she was prescribed worked. I told her that after years of my Dr. trying things we finally found a great thing. I was prescribed a very low dose methedone with an 800 ibuprofin together once in the am., and once in the pm. It has worked perfectly with no side effects at all. My elderly aunt said "methedone is for "drug addicts"". I said yes, but it's also prescribed for chronic pain. Well, they RAN with it to try to kill me. They have convinced everyone, and put doubts in dads head. They've accused me of other things as well. My dad now only wants to fight in the hospital. I feel like I've been crucified. HELP

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Wow....I am glad I found this thread. My siblings are attacking my brother and myself. In a lot of what is being said here. My brother took over my fathers buisnes (which was haunted by IRS for years) He turned the business around keept it in my mother house for 15 years after my father died. Paid her rent to keep his office there. The rent was way above what rent should be. My siblings could have cared less at the time. Now my mother is 90 and they are swarming in to get her attention and have kicked my brother to the curb. It is such a pity. Now that I have stuck up for him they have turned against me. I love the quote of someone on here that states....the guilty love to dump on the least guilty...it is so true.
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hey girl, you made me cry! my sister is evil and greedy for power and control, not money, as she has more than she could ever spend...but she chose to betray me to my father, who was ill and on lots of meds by then, and got him to change the will so i get a lifetime trust with her appointed trustee! i only read the will about a week ago and am just crushed and feel so betrayed by this man i adored so! i even sensed something like that was going on, as she became more and more controlling with respect to their finances, got herself appointed trustee and executor, even though is was their cpa for years and years...did back-door estate planning with them and left me out, and when i found out, accused me of invading their privacy!! then later when i pushed her on it, said my dad just found me so very difficult to deal with...BS! they didn't need estate planning since their will was done just 2 years earlier, in 2007! nice sister i have...now i'm desperate to get to my mother who is doing better and had dementia before but that was when her oxygen was too low and she was even on hospice care...now she's reading again and trying to walk too! i don't think she's been declared incompetent formally; my sis actually just took control as soon as dad died because i would take advantage and mom's too nice to say no! well that's none of her business and i would never do that! i have anxiety and dad knew i used to dip into his valium...never stole his drugs, and the other night my aunt told me they're always on guard when i'm around because my husband's a drug addict and they've seen me take dad's pills when he died! i freaked out and said what kind of a scumbag do you think i am?? i can't stop crying and my sister has the caretakers guarding the house night and day and my poor mother is imprisoned there and has not been able to make one decision for herself since before she married my father...i want to free both her and myself! i love your love for horses! i rescued one for free last year and he makes me so very happy...good for you! i'm on disability too and would love to help you out one day...maybe we can work with horses together! write me!
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I just don't understand why some "families" can't seem to behave like a family when things get really hard. You'd think that those would be the times they'd all give up all the petty unimportant crap, and just be there for each other. I always wanted, and actually tried to "create" that with my sisters. How silly I was, but at least it was a good dream. I guess that's why God created friends!!!! They shed the kind light on the dark places your "family" tries to leave you in. THANKS AND LOVE TO ALL.
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Christina, I am a man but my heart certainly goes out to you as I have three sisters who sound much like your sisters. I have had to make all the tough decisions for my mom. (taking her car away, putting her in an assisted living and taking over her finances.) My sisters have been mean toward me and critized every thing I did and would not support me in any way. They refuse to accept the fact the our mother is getting (96), that she is legally blind, hearing is very bad, short term memory is poor, is getting more confused, etc. My only advise is to ignore them as you are a wonderful who is doing the best for your father. I feel sometimes I am the parent dealing with four children and they are all against me. I no longer try to argue with my sisters and feel a lot better. I know I am doing what is best for my mom and you should feel the same. Will I ever get back on good terms with my sisters? At this point, my answer would be a strong"NO", I'm not ruling that out. Hopefully at some point they will realize that I was doing the right things for our mother. You sounds like a careing, compassionate person and I wish you the best. Ken
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Soverytired,

Thank you so much for that much needed support, and grounding information. You are so right, and sadly I have come to that understanding. Even though my dad has been very cool, and believes most of what they say he has not asked me to leave. I have asked if he wants me to leave, and he said "I never asked you to leave". It was hardly a "Of course I don't want you to leave", but my family unlike myself is emotionally frozen. It's like I was dropped by the "stork" into the wrong place!!!! So . . . I think I'll stay because I know that despite the fact that none of my sisters or aunt work, and all live within 10 mins away, they will never sacrifice their spoiled lives to move in here. I cannot leave him thinking he might be missing meals, or having a problem at night.

I am okay. Here are two quotes I love:

"If it doesn't kill you it will shape you. If it doesn't break you it will make you."
~ Siouxie

"And remember, no matter where you go...there you are"
~ Confucious


LOVE is all that counts in the end. It is the only real thing in this world . . . just LOVE.

Thank you my friend. I am sending loads of prayers to you. Never forget that you are an angel for caring for your mom, and you know it. The one great thing that comes out of these situations is that we walk away with a sense of inner pride, and the peace that comes from knowing we did everything we could. We were the ones who cared. We all know deep inside ourselves who we are, and what we've done whether good or bad. The ones that were selfish, underhanded, mean and didn't care for their parent KNOW it, and will have to lug it around for the rest of their lives. We however will be free as birds!!!!!! LOVE TO YOU
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Dear endofmyrope, I am in a similar situation so I can share with you what I have done. I have always taken care of our mother. I began giving her financial assistance when I was 27 years old (more than 30 years ago), bought her cars, paid her rent, cleaned her house, remodeled her kitchen, paid for my younger sister's college education...the list goes on and on. My sisters refused to put in one red dime to help her for 30 years. In the last 8 years, I have been the only child in the area as both sisters moved out of state. I did not live with my 90 year old mother, but I was with her daily for every hospital stay (3 to 4 a year), every holiday, took her out once a week, did her laundry and cooked all her meals. My sisters did not come in to visit for a single holiday in 8 years. They did not come when she was ill and hospitalized. Like you, I was devoted to my mother - actually way beyond a normal parent/child bond. Last spring, my mother was hospitalized followed by rehab for 6 weeks. My husband was conconcurrently in radiation treatment for cancer. I thought visiting my mother once a day, when I had other family illness to attend to was enough. My family did not. I complied, with resentment, to spending 6 hours a day sitting by my mother's bedside and ignoring my husband. When it was over, I decided it was time to have a serious family talk. Recognizing that they lived far away, I requested only that we rotate holidays and that one of them come in if she had a hospitalization episode that exceeded one week. I also asked my mother to seriously consider moving to an independent living apartment where she would have social support other than me - told her it was her decision, but I thought she should look, visit and try meals and I would go with her to do that. The world exploded.

My mother accused me of saying I was going to abandon her. My sisters believed her - in spite of my track history that is positively outstandingly spotless in the care I have provided to my mother. The war grew. There were more false accusations. I was supposedly trying to "institutionalize" her. I suggested a family mediator. They refused. I was told the problem was I was mentally ill. They contacted my daughter and tried to tell her I was mentally ill. They waited until my birthday to send me an email saying they wanted nothing more to do with me. They whisked my mother off to another state for Christmas (wow, first holiday in 8 years) and then they posted nasty stuff on Facebook, on Christmas Eve, to both me and my ill husband. Then they contacted my stepchildren, on Christmas, to try to lure them into it. They cut off my daughter and her husband when she refused to join their side. My stepchildren think they are malicious. My daughter is crushed, in disbelief that her extended family has fallen apart but she believes in me. My husband wants nothing to do with any of them.The last, almost 7 months now, has been a nightmare.

Here is what I did. I stopped seeing my mother without a witness. There will never be another false accusation because I will never be alone with her again. That is my safe boundary. My mother is now alone most of the time (she has a caregiver for 2 hrs a day, 3 times a week). I have offered to pay for a caregiver to go with us to take her out which she agrees to, than talks to my sisters and refuses it. However, I call her every day. I see her while the caregiver is there. I bring her little gifts and treats. I keep it light. I will do what I can to preserve my relationship with her but I will not put my own safety at risk. She is miserable that she is stuck alone but my vindictive sisters don't care about her well being - they are focused only on hurting me. They are trying to talk my mother into moving to their state, (which she is very nervous about) and where she will end up in...an independent living apartment which is how this started! I have let go - whatever will be, will be. I have come to recognize that being the overly responsible one in the family was really desperate behavior to try to "earn" love. Love is not about what you do for people. People who love you, love you for who you are, not what you do. You should not have to earn family love, it should be freely given.

My advice to you is to decide on your safe boundaries and keep them. Do not bother to tangle with them. Don't put your hands in the cage with the dogs that bite you. Rise above it and do what you can to preserve your relationship with your father while protecting yourself with reasonable boundaries. I don't expect my mother to take a stand. She is old and we are all her children. Of course, I wish she would, I wish she would recognize how much more I have done and given....but family love isn't "earned", it's freely given so expecting you dad to take a stand, just isn't realistic. They are going to do what they are going to do and you can't control or change it. And he is going to love them anyway. But the important thing is that he loves you, too. Most importantly, make your own life. Recognize all the beautiful parts of yourself that you have given so much for so many years. Accept yourself as you are. Share those beautiful parts of you with as many people as you can and you will find that love is returned to you for who you are. Family "roles" sometimes hold us back from being all we can be. Start making some lists of all the things you love about yourself, all the things you would like to try to do, hobbies, volunteering, getting your own apartment, reading, whatever interests you. Then start working towards those goals. If you find your mind wandering to the hurt and the resentment and your sacrifices and the very, very bad treatment they have given you that you absolutely do not deserve, take your mind someplace else to your new hobbies, to what your new apartment will look like, take your mind someplace pleasant. Some day your dad will be gone. You will be glad you kept the relationship and glad you built your own life outside of the relationship. Do glad things. Avoid people who make you feel bad about yourself. Much love and many hugs to you!
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Hi Christina,

No, dad would be really PO'd and again blame me for "creating" the "trouble" with them. He has blamed me for the "rift" all these years refusing to even consider that it might be them. There's power in numbers. I just find it so perfect that they are storming in at the last minute, persuading my dads closest sister of these appalling accusations, and he is buying every scrap of it. The part that is most upsetting to him is my aunt 100% believing this. She has butt in and has been working on him. Ironic that the last 5 years there no accusations of any kind. They needed me to be here so they wouldn't have to. Now at the end not only have they recruited dads 2 sisters, but dad himself! He is ice cold to me, and if I wanted I could show him the police report, and three notes from my Dr.'s stating that I have NEVER abused any substance of any kind. I do not believe in drug abuse!!! They are the ones who have TOLD me to leave, and he has not backed me up one bit. I have tons of cards from him telling me how much he "loves" me, and how much he "appreciates" all I do for him...tons of them. Now I'm scrambling to find some kind of low income housing, and he has never once said "Please don't go". It's disgusting, and I will NOT show him ANYTHING proving them wrong. I should not have to try to convince him of my innocence. He has taken their side all these years, and NOTHING will change that. At this point of his illness I do not want to trot out trivial petty crap, neither for him nor I. Actually, in the end I got exactly what I wanted all along (kinda). All I wanted was to have them come visit him often, and take strong roles in sharing his care. I wanted that for HIM...not me. I feel quite serene actually despite the sad hurt I feel concerning the father whom I've absolutely adored since my earliest memories. THAT is the man I will hold in my heart. The pictures of us throughout the years speak volumes, and pictures are reminders of the truth. I wish him love, peace, happiness, freedom from the painful shell of a body he's carrying and a safe "passage" to the other side. Spiritually, I believe at the moment of "death" (I call it true birth) we see everything perfectly clear. Hopefully, he will understand all the love I have for him (despite our daily "I love you's all these years), and see the truth of this comedy of errors. As for me...I am moving on and out with a sense of pride, accomplishment, peace that I stayed when no one else would and my coming newfound freedom. The one thing I'm not sure about is visiting him still as I don't want to upset him. This house will be swarming with "devoted" bees buzzing all around (as if that will assuage their true guilt), and I know I will be met with rage and hostility, something neither of us need. I'm also unsure if I should attend his service should there be one. Emotions are sky high at those things, and the last thing I want is to have that kind of disturbed "send off" there. Suggestions anyone??? This was the card he gave me for Christmas:
"Tam,
Please know that there is nothing in this world that is more important to me than you. You are so very special, and I am so lucky to have you at home with me. I appreciate all you do for me. Please believe that you are more than loved, and I promise you that you will not be alone. Know that everything will work out.

I.L.Y.

Love,

Dad

I repeat...he is NOT senile. At least he appears not to be. He wrote a will while he was in the hospital. A lawyer friend who is good friends with my brother-in-law suggested him. He was alone with this guy for two hours. I want NOTHING from my dad despite the fact that I'm really poor . . . NOTHING. Material stuff has no value to me in this world except for the fact we need $ to survive. Still, that is not what I ever wanted from dad. All I ever wanted (not needed), WANTED was the special bond we always had. I now feel that "bond" may not have been quite as "strong" as I had always believed 100% in. That he could so easily allow his daughter that cared for him all these years to just leave is just beyond my comprehension. He was not the one that demanded I leave either. It was my sisters, and his sister (whom I was always close to also). Yet, he knew they did this, and did not defend me at all. He never even asked me my opinion on what happened. He told me in the hospital that I was 100% wrong, and demanded I fix things with my aunt. All he heard was part of our argument from two rooms away, and his hearing is bad. He REFUSED to believe she could be anything but right. I literally heard her from 10 ft away telling my dad that it was "best I leave for his own well being". I then heard her mention "drugs", and I STORMED in not caring if dad got upset or not. I got right in her face and said "You tell your misinformed lies to anyone you like, but not within my ear- shot"! I then said "Just exactly what kind of drugs are you referring to?" and she replied "Your prescription drugs"! I went WILD and screamed "You foolish old woman . . . Don't you know that meds are HIGHLY monitored by Dr.'s? You have been duped by two vicious girls who want nothing more than to ruin my life". She then stood up and pushed me!!!!! An 80 year old (strong and healthy I might add), pushed me!!! She said "Leave this house at once", and my dad just sat there and allowed her to kick me out of my family home; the home they all more than happy to have me care for all these years. I simply walked out. From there on I have ignored every single snide remark from all of them, and have been busying myself with packing my few belongings. I have been judged, and sentenced by these vile "family" members. I made the mistake of leaving my computer on one day while they were in here. They broke into this site, and read EVERYTHING! They made a point of letting me know by leaving it open for me to see when I got home. Must remember to sign out every time now. They have also gone into my private quarters upstairs, and gone through ALL my personal belongings. I feel so violated.

The problem though is should I come visit dad with these piranhas all around, and should I attend a service that will be extremely hostile? I want to see my father of course, and know he still loves me. I just don't understand why he didn't take a stand on this. PLEASE...any help would be SO appreciated.
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Tam, Have you tried saying, "Boy, I'm glad you girls are here! Now maybe I can get a break and get some rest"!! ???
If you turn it around maybe they will see the other side. We are often caught up in our resentment of the non-care-giving siblings. I know it is not that simple, but try it and see what happens. "They" know how much work you do. It's scary to them. Remember that defensive people usually act the opposite of how they are feeling inside. Thinking of you, Tamera:) Have a good day. Hugs, Christina
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Christina,

I do not have an elderly law attorney. I do know I can't afford a lawyer, and I'm not even sure what one could do at this point.

Lily,

His lawyer has legal POA. I am on SSI, and now trying to find low income housing which is hard in my state. There is a waiting list a mile long, and the places are horrific. I do have a long standing appeal for SSDI that has now gone to federal court!!! It goes back to 1996, and if I win it could get retroactive funds which would greatly help my financial situation. All I can do is pray.

Thank you both for your support. That means everything as you guys know all to well. I pray for you as well. God bless you angels!
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Thanks guys. He came home yesterday, and as you might imagine the house was swarming with sisters who for the last five years were not here. They brought cleaning products into my immaculate house which is already filled with them, and piled them on the kitchen counter. Obviously nothing had been cleaned because there was nothing to clean! I think it was a statement saying "We are here now...GET OUT". Of course they were gone early, but are bringing "food etc." today. I've decided to LET them do it now. I am leaving as soon as I can, and will continue to see my father. He has been ice cold, something that he never was before. We were happy, and close. He was happy with everything I did for him. Not only am I angry with them, but I am so disappointed with him. I feel totally betrayed. After 5 years he has chosen to take "sides". Hurt? You cannot imagine.
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EndOfrope! You will be OK. Breathe deeply and slowly. Rat bastards all of them.
You reminded me of the last time I saw my sister she told me I should "be on MY medication." hmmm. Couldn't remember the last time I even took a tylenol. That was last April and I have established "No Contact." It's easier to be rid of them. Your Dad is really helpless and is being manipulated. Maybe you need some intervention and the wicked sisters and aunts need to be set straight by an elder law attorney, which I hope you already have. They are the best.
You know those guilt mongers love to dump theirs in the least guilty. What is not true is just words and emotion. You are a good daughter. Get your center, girl! You are awesome! WhooHoo! Hugs, Christina xo
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I feel for you, my sister accused me of taking $$ from my dad. We had a very nasty argument after I received POA. Don't spend what little energy you have to defend yourself, do not let your self be drawn into the drama. I'm sorry your dad is so angry. It could be the the situation he is in. You won't be able to change your family's mind about you. All that counts is YOU know you have been the best daughter ever. My sis & I are off & on. I learned to be OFF permanently in January. The trick is not to engage, don't respond to their phone calls or emails. You have to teach them you have boundaries & you are not going to put up with it anymore. Stay true to yourself & give yourself a break now that he is in the hospital.Your volunteer works sounds wonderful. Who has financial POA?
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Thank you Lily. I did have medical POA, but have spoken to his social worker at the hospital requesting to ask him to change that. He, along with my two ancient aunts have been completely duped by these absolutely vicious girls. Right now I just want to leave this jail that I have sacrificed my life to be in to care for him. I am so disappointed in him as well. I am a person who is all about giving, and love but I will not have ANYONE attack my character. That is where it ends. I was visiting dad daily in the hospital, and purposely not talking about this ridiculous family crap. Five days ago when I visited him he began by trying to get into it. I just said "dad I love you, but I won't do this", and left. I called his social worker requesting she talk to him to tell him I want to see him, but only if we can just be Dad and Me. Isn't that all that counts at this time? He seems to have just wiped these last years away to be angry, and believe the outlandish lies they've told. They never told him I was a "drug addict", and accused me of calling the police because I am "mentally ill"!!!!!!!!! Interesting that they allowed a "drug addicted" "mentally ill" daughter care for the father they so fervently care about these last 4 weeks!!!!!!! To be honest, I just want to be free from all of them including my dad. I am also worried what will happen if he comes home. 5 years, and this is the treatment???? I simply cannot believe this. I requested notes from all three of my Dr.'s stating that I have never abused any substance, but for what? I also have the police report from that morning . . . again, for what? My dad should believe in me no matter what, and if he doesn't then he should simply be grateful for all I've done for him. He's written me letters and cards expressing how much it means to him to have me here. Every day I yell "I love you dad", and he yells it back. He KNOWS I adore him, and STILL he's treating me this way, and those two evil witches are LOVING every second of it. Just don't know what to do. He has not called me, and his social worker told him it was now his choice. JUST can't believe this. SO SAD
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You have been through a lot. It's not uncommon for just one sibling to care for a parent. The same thing is happening to me. My dad lives with us. Do you have POA? That would help make the others back off, you would have medical & financial power.I can't understand why those who aren't doing the caring are so critical & mean. They have no idea how difficult our jobs are. If your dad has a monthly income, you should be paid for his care. I have fibromyalgia & methadone is a common pain treatment. You are surrounded by toxic people. It may be necessary to cut off all communication with them when possible. I only communicate with my sister via email or text. She has burned me too many times. My therapist has been a big help in understanding my dysfunctional family. I'm so sorry you have deal with the BS when all you're trying to dad is give your dad the best care. You are are wonderful, loving daughter & an amazing woman. Good luck to you!
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