Mom Wants to Give Me Money to Live With Me, And My Siblings and I are Fighting About It.

Started by

An issue last month started when my 3 sisters found out my Mom wanted to give me her social security check to live with me. She has another check that comes in from a pension. The amount to live at my home was not discussed before she moved in, any amount she wanted to pay would have been fine. She has been with me now for a year and 1/2. When she offered it, I told her she did not have to give me that much but she insisted and said she wanted to pay her way. Also every time she needed something, I could just get it for her rather then her always giving me money to get it. She insisted and since this battle has started, I always ask her if she knows where her money is going. I do not want to take advantage of my Mom, but since she has moved in my husband was laid off. I have gotten use to that monthly income and especially need it now with my husband out of work. I make her breakfast, lunch, dinner, wash all clothes do all the cleaning, take her to the doctors, make the appointments, check issues with her insurance company and try to get home from work as quickly as possible because she always asks what time I will be home. I feel badly what this has done with my family. In the past I would always ask my sisters to come up and spend time with my Mom so I could run some errand. I was lucky if they came up once a month. I realize they are busy, but I am also. They make me feel like I am stealing from my Mom. My Mom has done wonderful things for all of us at different times in our lives, but they say that was the past. For instance she held an interest free $50,000, 15 year loan for my sister who does not make a large salary, but it was satisfied after my stepdad passed away 4 years later. I was glad my Mom was able to do this for my sister. But this is the sister that is the nasty's to me and insist I should have declined the money. I would just like some feed back from someone. I really don't feel as though I did anything wrong. They are just recently saying she can't make decisions on her own, she made this decision 1 1/2 years ago. One sister recently borrowered $2,000. from my Mom to pay her taxes, but it appears she was able to make a decision about that. She mailed another $300. for her dogs surgery just recently and my sister felt she was able to make a decision about that. Need understanding and feed back. Thanks

6 Comments

Tell them she can move in with them and they can have the money. That should do it. It's funny how no one wants to help but they can't stand seeing someone getting paid for doing what they won't do. And believe me, it will get harder on you as she ages.
I have issues with my family when my Grandmother moved in with me. My Grandmother realized that none of her children would take care of her and she moved in with myself and my husband and she pays her way. Once her children saw that they were not going to get any money from her they broke all ties to her. We have written out an agreement between us and also have gotten it witnessed and notarized so that if she gets to the point that she can no longer speak for herself that none of her kids can come back and try to undo what we have set up. It may be a good idea for you to do that. Then you will have proof that you are not trying to "steal" from her as they say. You may also want a note from her doctor showing that she is of sound mind and can make these types of desicions.
Mag, if your mom knows the money she gives you is being used just to get by till your husband finds work, then don't worry about it. If it were me however, I would've gone to my bank with mom and opened a separate account in both our names and had the SSI check deposited directly into that. Then when I needed money for her upkeep, it would've come out of that separate account. It stands to reason why the one sister is complaining about you taking advantage of mom's money, when she herself has been doing that all along. It's the whole 'love of money being the root of all evil' thing just like God warned eons ago.
I agree with the separate bank account idea and taking spending money as you need it. Just read an article from an estate planning attorney who stated the court can ask you for records dating back for 2 years. I understand this hard especially when you are dealing with being a full-time caregiver & the emotional things too. Families members can be a real pain, especially those members who are used to receiving from mom or dad & not giving in return. We do our children a great disservice when they learn life is just about them and it is to take & not give.
If your mother decided to live in an AL, would her SS check cover her expenses there? I doubt it. And she is getting more personalized service from you. Why shouldn't she want to pay you for it? If she didn't have it and you insisted that then she couldn't live with you, shame on you! If you used some sneaky, devious way to get her to agree to paying you, shame on you! But if this is what she wants to do, I see no reason in the world to feel bad about the relationship.

I don't think you need help understanding your sibling's postion. That is pretty clear. Any money she "gives" to you is money that won't be available to divide upon her death. They want more money. What part of that is hard to understand?

Even if she needs in the future to apply for Medicaid, I wouldn't worry about the lookback period. She is expected to use her SS for living expenses. She is. She has even found a way to do it cheaper than most long term care facilities. Do you think anyone is going to ask her why she didn't find some place free to live?

Maybe it would help the family peace to have a legal contract drawn up, specifying what she is paying you and what you are giving her in return.
open a bank account with you and her name. Contact the Elderly Attorney that charges according to HER income. Have Mom make YOU her Power Of Attorney. Take the Paper Work to the Bank. to Safeguard any future events, talk to the doctor and get a note sent to the Soc. Sec. office that you should handle mom's money and affairs. The Soc. Sec. will make "you" the Authorized Representative. Take the Paper Work to the Bank ( this safeguards against any family member or stranger taking mom to the bank to do a withdrawal. even mom cannot withdrawal her own money without you present.) Mom does not have to be Incompetant to do this. It would also help if mom made you a Payable Upon Death at the bank. FYI: If mom dies or becomes incoherant, you will be able to use the money in the bank for funeral or arrangements for her care. GOOD luck.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support