None of my siblings want to help mom with dementia and she refuses care.

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I can't really fault them because she was a narcissistic, emotional bully for all of our life. The only other sibling that will somewhat deal with her is my brother and his wife who came to reside with us temporarily to help out but they have made it known that they are also cutting off ties with her after the holidays when they move next spring. I've called her doctor because she still continues to drive albeit hitting strangers cars, driving in the middle of the night, etc. When I took away the keys, my brother said it was a felony to take away the keys because it it is like stealing property. So now I'm trying to involve her doctor. Unfortunately, she refuses to acknowledge she is having difficulty remembering things and her doctor was a little shocked when she said for him NOT to contact any of her children including me to come with her to doctor visits.

I am completely at a loss because she is still driving which I'm scared she will not only end up getting hurt but hurting someone else. She doesn't give me any private time (sometimes I come out of the bathroom and she is standing at the door waiting for me or will stand by the kitchen table talking the entire time my family and I are having dinner about herself and making up grandiose stories that well all know are not true). I am so stressed that I now have an ulcer and am going through early menopause in my 30s. My father who is still alive (he is remarried) I would gladly help him through this stage but I'm starting to feel not only burnt out but resentful and coming to the realization that I really do not like her at all.

My apologies if this comes off cold and I feel uncomfortable admitting all of this but there is much more (such as her inviting people here over the holidays to a party she wants to have for herself and insisting I cook for her party when I already have to cook for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years). Last, I heard she invited over 50 people and I had to find this out through a family friend. Maybe I just needed to vent because I'm at my wits end.

5 Comments

You have done all you could. She will keep driving and when she wrecks the car, refuse to bail her out. Tell your all-knowing siblings to take the call. Tell them to cook dinner for 50 people. Doctors will not get involved in taking the keys away, and the state is no help either. She is being petty and selfish, let her dig a hole and don't pull her out. Take your life back, preserve your own sanity and if she doesn't like it, she can move into assisted living. My MIL said she would rather kill herself. (the guilt card) I told her to go right ahead and do that (the trump card). She behaved better after that.
Take back your life! Move out and let mom fend for herself for a while. She needs help but won't get it as long as she has you to help her keep living her crazy, delusional life. There's no well in h*ll I'd be cooking dinner for 50 people or for any of those holidays for that matter. She can't chain you to the kitchen. Tell her now you won't do any of that cooking.

Your brother is bailing and so should you. You've offered help and she refuses. Case closed until she agrees to get some additional help. Get some counseling if this sounds too hard to do on your own. You deserve a happy life and you can still be a caring, loving daughter (which you already are) without letting your mom control you and ruin your life.
I went online to my states DMV copied off a form to report unsafe drivers, filled it out and sent it in. Within 4 weeks my mother received a letter from DMV requiring her to go to her dr., have him fill out a report and the dr. Has to send it back to DMV. Once that was done, my mother then received a notice about 2 weeks later revoking her licence. It was very easy.
For the sake of everyone else on the road and the sidewalks, report your mother's unsafe driving to DMV.

For your sake, detach yourself from this situation. Your siblings made their decisions. You can make yours, too. What you are doing now does not sound like a good decision. Totally giving up all contact with Mother does not sound like something you could do and retain your self respect. But there is a large range between doing nothing and doing everything. Figure out what you are comfortable with, and offer ONLY that amount of help.

Are you living in her house, or is she living in yours?
I felt the same way in the beginning with my mother, couldn't really blame the siblings as well, but I don't feel the same anymore, my heart breaks for her watching her progress all of those negative childhood feelings have vanished and when other problems arise with work or just life stuff in general I always go back to that is not important my limited time with my mother is what is important to me now. But keep in mind I have been trying to recover from having her at home, she is now safe in a memory center, still self serving and only aware of herself but it doesn't get to me anymore because I am not her fulltime caregiver. Their safety comes first. I am so grateful for this limited time to be spent without all the resentment and anger I had in the beginning. Definately see to it she is not allowed to drive however you have to do it. I figured out the first week of being a fulltime caregiver for my mother that if you let someone with dementia drive the bus you better buckle up and get ready for one hell of a ride. So true Good luck to you

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