I'm beginning to think that siblings that do not visit their elderly parents (if they live in the area and have the time) are dysfunctional.

So many of us are dealing with selfish siblings. I try to understand why they are the way they are but come up with a big ? The only thing I can think of in my situation is my father was always controlling and didn't hesitate to tell you off. My brother experienced it more then me. He was told he had no backbone, was not a man and more insults. I was not focused on until now. My brother retired and moved to another state only 3 hrs away. He visits usually 2 times a year. I truly believe it was his way of finally getting away from my father even at his age of 70. I have become the only caregiver and I'm now the target for my father's insults and frustrations in his advanced age. Always being told it's my job. I do the best I can but lately find myself unhappy and feeling burned out. I will do what I have to do because he is my father and someone has to do it. :-(

kjhinshaw---At least he CALLS. My brother AND sister live in the same little town where mom lives at the Nursing home and have NEVER...not ONCE called in 6 years. Sister has NEVER...not once visited her. Brother has a few times if I BEG him and there is FOOD involved. I take care of all of Mom's needs...financial, health, clothing, feet, nails, take her to funerals, dr. appts, outings to visit, etc. etc.
I would be happy if EITHER one of my siblings would care AT ALL. It's just so sad and yes....ticks me off as well ...for 6 years now. I'm betting they won't even show up to her funeral....UNLESS there is food involved. UGH!!!!

I can understand what all of you are feeling and going though about siblings not helping. I have to older sisters and a brother younger than myself , I am 54 and not only does my spouse but my mother also has dementia not to mention I also have 5 adult kids and 14 grandkids ages 20 thru 1 year old.None of my siblings can help even thou 2 of them do not work and never have and my brother is not married or in a serious relationship!!! Mother always help and went out of her way with my siblings and even housed under one roof my 2 older siblings and their many kids and supported them all on her small wage.Guess what no one including their kids have time for Mom now, they have all stated that they are to busy. I guess I am not busy at all, when I was employed I still took mom to appt. shopping,salon ,out to eat at least weekly and my kids would take mom for me if I was sick or could not take off from work . I had to resigned from my job in mid July due to my husband and mom ( needing me as their full time caregiver). Sorry , I do not want to say negative things believe me I am not negative I just want you all to know I can related with you all.I guess some people can not handle what we all are doing, maybe they are afraid of what could be their future. Blessings To All.

I can understand what all of you are feeling and going though about siblings not helping. I have to older sisters and a brother younger than myself , I am 54 and not only does my spouse but my mother also has dementia not to mention I also have 5 adult kids and 14 grandkids ages 20 thru 1 year old.None of my siblings can help even thou 2 of them do not work and never have and my brother is not married or in a serious relationship!!! Mother always help and went out of her way with my siblings and even housed under one roof my 2 older siblings and their many kids and supported them all on her small wage.Guess what no one including their kids have time for Mom now, they have all stated that they are to busy. I guess I am not busy at all, when I was employed I still took mom to appt. shopping,salon ,out to eat at least weekly and my kids would take mom for me if I was sick or could not take off from work . I had to resigned from my job in mid July due to my husband and mom ( needing me as their full time caregiver). Sorry , I do not want to say negative believe me I am not negative I just want you all to know I can relate with you all.I guess some people can handle what we all are doing, maybe they are afraid of what could be their future. Blessings To All.

Yes you are absolutely right. With my situation my husband won't speak up to his sisters. But yes it will be his problem soon and a big reality check if he can't get help in time. I'm taking care of myself! Thank you!

BS0213..You have the perfect opportunity now to stop this and say NO. Very sad that family does not see what your situation is; however, you are the captain on your own ship and the time as come for you to dock that ship and take care of yourself.

I know it is a hard decision but I can tell you once you make the decision to save yourself there is a peace. I've just gone through it and for the first time in 2 years I am beginning to feel that I have myself back. My husband put his foot down and said enough is enough. Time for the other siblings to either step up or find suitable NH.

Situations change and we cannot be expected to keep unrealistic promises. God bless!

It's really sad when your family has to watch you in pain and depressed, crying and can't be with my own family and grand kids and there so very patient. Meanwhile I'm getting more resentful towards my husband and his family because its me who's feeding bathing and cleaning up poop and changing depends several times a day. 24/7 unless I get a day off or my drs. Appts. It's totally draining meanwhile his sisters live 7 and 20 mins away! Believe me I've tried to plead my case. My husband is stuck on the fact he made a promise to his mother, that's all fine and dandy but its still me who's caring fir my MIL. So I will care for myself after my surgery I am just scared to come home because of the fact I will be to convenient. And after two surgeries and wasn't able to recover then, I am hoping to be able to stay with my own mother for a while. I've even let my doctor know he needs to tell my husband I cannot be caring for his mother and my limitations. Pretty sad but my husband is in major denial and because I've continued to care for my MIL with pain my husband thinks I'm invincible. I blame myself for taking this on a long time ago, I should have put a stop to it when she was diagnosed by that time everyone took me for granted and now there thinking, hell were not going tO be doing that ! So here I am hanging on for dear life. But I'm glad to know I've hung on because I know I am not alone anymore thanks to all of you I still have my sanity. God bless you all for being here!

My mom has dementia and is in Assisted Living. I've been taking care of everything for her for the past 3 years.My brother lives 1200 miles away, and of course can't do much. He vistis a couple times a year, but I am still resentful of him because he only calls her once every 3-4 weeks, and is out having fun, going on trips etc, while I'm here dealing with her, doing her laundry, overseeing her medical tratment etc. It really ticks me off.

BS0213---I DO hope you get some time away with your surgery. ..time away from caregiving and especially caregiving in PAIN. I know how that is too. Mom never cared that I was in pain..it's always just been about her..the N is her as usual. I could be dying and she would be trying to tell someone about her leg or toe that has a cramp in it. But, we keep on keeping on. As someone else mentioned..there are givers (US) and takers (the siblings who have nothing to do with the parent. In the end, we know who we are and we DO sleep well at night. I suppose they do too with all that alcohol they drink every day. SAD, sad sad. FOR THEM. Not us!!!!

It is very difficult to understand how my MILs own daughters don't want to help. I wasn't brought up that way and then again I've always been close to my mom and grandmother. Just hard to believe, instead it has been me for the past 4 yrs who does it all. But next month it will be a big reality check because I'm having hip surgery and my husband will have to do something about who's going to care for my MIL . I'm not only looking forward to great pain relief but also a long rest from caregiving I hope. As long as I am in that house surgeries or not I'm stuck to watching my MIL . I know I must sound terrible but honestly I am so very tired and burnt out. Caregiving while in pain is pure torture. I honestly do not know how they can sleep at night knowing your mom has limited time left. She's 89 yrs old with dementia and has more or less forgotten who her daughters are. Very sad.

Its funny that I came across this post. Just yesterday I told a good friend that when mom is gone, I think I will be done with my selfish sister. She will be sooo sorry that she wasn't here more often and say that she misses her just like when our brother died recently. Dysfunctional? Maybe, but I think its just plain selfishness. We are givers, and the takers will always be takers. All I know is that when the time comes, if we still have our sanity, we will be able to look back with no regrets. God bless.

What is so hard for me to understand is that my parents were the absolute best parents in the world. Always there for us, always nurturing and loving and caring about us...we never had to wonder if we were loved and this was especially true for my brother, as particularly with my Mother, he was her favorite child. And now when she needs him, he is not there for her....and is certainly not there for me. I wish it was different. I long for the family I grew up in. My Father passed 16 years ago and my life would never be the same after that. I will say that if I do not keep my brother informed, he starts calling me and raising cain at me. He also calls every single day and drives me insane about every little detail of my day. I have already had to live it once, I don't want to do it again. If he cares so much, why doesn't he come and help out. I'm not so sure about the whole what goes around comes around. I have spent my entire life being here for my parents and am in the process of losing everything I own. He has never taken the time of day to help them with anything and any time he did actually do something he expected them to pay him for it. Contributes NOTHING and yet he is flourishing by leaps and bounds.....I will never understand....

It's like I said earlier.....people like those have NO concern for anyone but themselves. It is a sad, sad situation. We can choose not to interact with them for our own well-being. That is what I have done. It has always just been me and used to call them and let them know when mom was in the hospital or something had happened. They didn't care then..they didn't come to visit her. I don't know why it took me SO long to STOP letting them know what was going on with mom. I guess somehow, I wanted them to CARE. I gave up on that and finally realized that they just will and do not care. I imagine it would be different...they might CARE if mom had some kind of money or goods that they thought they may get when she passes but mom has nothing at all. Her clothes is all that she has and me. We can't change other people into what we WISH they would be like. I learned that the hard way. In the end though...and THIS is what we have on our side.....GOD knows and sees ALL. On the judgment day, THEY will have to answer. We already know what God thinks of US!!! Thank you Lord, for giving me a good heart and for the Holy Spirit living within it.

I wish to add that all of my adult life, I have lived 125 miles from my parents, however literally lived out of a suitcase, having to be responsible for their every need, while my brother, who lived about 20 miles away, did NOTHING. I have had to make two hour drives to buy groceries because my lazy ass brother is too selfish to take time away from his happy life to get what my Mother needed.

OMG...I can tell you how I am feeling right now. I have a sister in law who passes by our street every single week, sometimes, more than that and she NEVER calls or comes to visit Mother. I despise her at this point. I already KNOW I have no intentions of having anything to do with her when that sad day comes and Mother is no longer here. They live in a lake home during the week, and have a different lake home where they go every weekend and the only reason she has this is she married my brother who had it already. My brother is not much different. They contribute NOTHING financially, emotionally, or functionally and I have decided they are little more than arrogant, selfish jackasses. My Mother and Father were the best parents in the world and it is unimaginable to me that my brother could treat my Mother this disrespectfully..or me either. But when my Father became ill and died, I should have known he would be this way by Mother as he was not there for him either. It is very hard for me to reign in my absolute anger, disgust and disrespect for these people any longer...I feel for you.

I agree, grace123. I sleep at well at night too!!

This is too familiar of a story. I will never understand how someone's children can be "too busy" when their parent obviously needs help. And they only live 20 or so minutes away. In fact, many times passed the house on their way to other places. Always said let me know how I can help. When I did, it was never convenient for them. So it all fell on me. Was I angry? Hell, yeah. But the anger didn't hurt them, only me. Dad will be gone a year on October 26th. His money was split 3 ways and I have now walked away from people who may be related by blood but who I would be embarrassed to say I even know. Doesn't seem to bother them either so it's all good. I have the memories of tucking my dad into bed each night, wishing him good dreams and him thanking me for taking such good care of him. I have the memories of dad not knowing anyone else, but knowing me and trusting me. Those are the gifts, those are the things I cherish. My dad would be so upset by how things are now but I say it is what it is. I wouldn't choose my sister as a friend because of how selfish she is, why just because she's my sister should it make any difference. I will never understand.......

I am no longer speaking to my sister because of her lack of willing to help. Any time I would talk with her about how poorly my parents were and I could use some help, she'd always have an excuse or was too busy.
I too believe that not helping your aging parents is about as low as a person can sink.
I am glad that I am here to help my Mom & Dad at least that way I know they are being well taken care of and I can sleep at night!

You hit the nail on the head when you said, "she's not important enough for them to spend their time with her." That's exactly what it is...on this end with siblings too. It just makes me livid!

Wow I agree 199% have the same issue only I'm JUST the DIL taking care of MIL for the last 4 years! 4 daughters she has two live so close and 1 7 mins away! She drops in maybe once a week. The other sometimes twice the 1 has her priorities all messed up, even stole some of my MIL personal air looms while she was left here trusted watching my MIL. She took advantage of my MIL illness (dementia). Since then We have cleaned and moved all of my MIL personal items and put locks on our rooms, terrible to live like that but I cannot trust that woman in this house anymore. My husband is in between all the drama with his sisters but in the end it's still me caregiving and I'm fading fast with exhaustion and the stress. It's to bad these sisters will never get back what they should have been doing. Now is when my MIL needs her daughters the most but she's not important enough for them to spend there time with her. She's in her last stages.
Thank you all for being here! God Bless and have a good day.

I agree---with "at the end it was all worth it to see maybe the one last smile on your love ones faceor your last hug. Which is something my brother and sister will never have". What bothers me is that they don't CARE one bit about seeing that last smile or getting that last hug. SAD, SAD.

I too have a brother and sister thar don't help or ask about mom. I do everything myself (EVERYTHING). I have POA for my mom but just found out that my mother put my brother and sister on her life ins. policy,and I don't have the power to take them off. So when she's goes I need them to sign papers for her funeral and what's left after gets split between them. Which I'm a little upset about. Should I be upset? Or I'm I feeling wrongly? Both both of them 20 minutes away. And don't come to see her. My brother evens comes to my house to give me his phone bill money because his on my plan,and he never seems to make it her house. When I told them about the life ins. policy they said they would have see after mom goes about the money that's left. I'm I wrong once again thinking I should receive what's left to help with my costs? And I'm like the rest of you I don't know if I want anything to do with after all is done. I was even at a point when my mom did pass I wasn't going to call them, but now that's changed because of the ins. policy. And my daughter always asked why she never had a brother or sister, and I tell her do for what's it worth. Well Good Luck and God Bless to All. One way or another wil get through this and at the end it was all worth it to see maybe the one last smile on your love ones faceor your last hug. Which is something my brother and sister will never have.

lillian41, I have the sister you described above. Alcohol is all she thinks about...and herself of course. I know mom is a N, but sister is too and doesn't even realize it. She never forgave mom for abusing us as kids and never will. I forgave a long time ago...doesn't mean I have forgotten or ever will. It's forever etched into my mind. I try to do what is right with mom since I'm the only one who cares whether she lives or dies. Other sibling..brother lives close to mom and she never, EVER abused him. She loved the boys and hated sister and me. We weren't even allowed to talk to my dad and he lived in the same house with us. They divorced when I was 13. Sister..which is not what I really want to call her has always been self-centered and will NOT help ANYONE. She's made that clear to me before when I've been stranded on the road blocks from her house..had to find someone else to take me home. Yet, I still helped her...weeding garden, paying her 15 dollars an hour to help me make "puppet shows" for my website. She will never make that much money an hour. She has HS education only and the only job she's ever had is a cook. I could go on an on about her but the final straw for me FINALLY came. I have nothing to do with her and will never have anything to do with her again. Brother..has helped some if I ask but very little. On Mom's birthday this month, I was the only one to visit her at NH as usual..the only one to let her know it was her birthday. Not even the NH realized it so she didn't even get a cupcake or any acknowledgement that it was her 76th BD. So sad. I'm tired..tired of being the only one who visits, cleans her up, takes her places, pays her bills, keeps up with her medical records and visits, etc. If I stopped...she would simply just die. She still knows me and everytime I go see her, she calls my name out and we hold hands until I leave. Dad died in 04 and sister wouldn't even come to see him as he was dying...everyone else had come to see him but her. SHE was his favorite! I called her and told her..dad is dying but waiting to see you. Her response? "BIG SIGH.....UH, are you SURE he's dying????" THAT's how self-centered she is. Dad helped her for years giving her money, etc. I never needed help but helped Dad instead...visiting him while he was still at home AND in the NH. Sister never went to visit him one time in NH. I worked full-time then too and lived 40 miles away. Still, every day I went to see dad in NH after work and tried to feed him, took him out on the patio in his wheelchair for his smoke...made sure he didn't burn himself. Some people will never change and never see just how self-centered they are. In the end...God DOES see and knows our hearts. HE will be the JUDGE when their time comes.

I can relate, I have a half brother and half sister, my brother has been wonderful as well as his wife has also. My sister on the other hand is selfish, clef centered and wants everyone to see her as the victim. She has NEVER been here to help with mom, she visits when she thinks she needs too, she does like 500 miles away. My mom was in the hospital for two very long hard months and was very sick, my sister wanted to come home, my brother and I told her we would help her as much as we could, she had a place to stay at no charge, also the hospital found out she didn't have anything and started sending her a tray along with moms to eat. We also gave her 200.00 together for her to have for gas etc. we found out she was lying to us, when she started saying she couldn't stay with mom she said itwas because she was afriaid to be out at night be herself or whatever excuse she came up with, we found out she was going to the bars and karaoking, using money we didn't h ave but gave her any way. She was rude to the staff at the hospital, she went back to her home while mom was still in the hospital, she proceeded to post very bad things on Facebook about us and my dad, he's not her dad. It was enough I could have filed charges against her. My mom passed two days ago, she had been in the hospital for almost two weeks, we let my sister know how bad mom was and it didn't look good. We had to let her know about mom passing and now she is saying we kept things from her. We had to make funeral arrangements without her and I dread the drama coming, I totally understand dysfunction after mom is buried I do not intend on having any contact with her. Good luck to you all.

"People are unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be good enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end it's between you and God.
It was never about you and them anyway."
MOTHER TERESA

What goes around, comes around. Abuse/neglect children when they are young and it will be very difficult to get over that hurdle when they are the adult and the parent is now in need of care. Very difficult, much-much-much prayer is required.

Whitney- I feel your pain my dear. I really do. I am the DIL of a narcisstic MIL who has every known wrong thing with her health known to man because of her sheer lack of care to maintain the disease. Now she blames everybody as to why she feels like this because she feels as though it's not her fault at all. All of the kids live within 15-20 miles from her but it's only my husband and me that normally pick up the full brunt of things. The others will come in for an hour or so when it convenient but only really visit. Recently I've read up on the Nacisstic disorder and now things make far more sense. However is still doesn't nor will it ever excuse my MIL's meanness and total disregard for anybody's feelings. They normally have a Golden Child that can do no wrong and a Scapegoat who can do no right. So there may be other underlying issues as to why certain children and/or siblings / family members keep their distance. I'm not implying that is the case in your family but it may be one thing to consider if there may have been underlying pain caused to your siblings by your parents. I didn't know where else to turn but to these blogs as one can only have their friends / family listen to so much of the venting. I certainly hope that you will be able to find the root of the problem and can have some peace soon.

i think almost all of us are in similar situations! i don't know why it has to be this way. my mother and i care for my grandparents (in their own home still). my uncle (always the favorite child) is retired and lives about 15 minutes away; he comes by about once every 2 weeks for five minutes with food (that they either don't like or don't understand how to prepare). my two cousins live within 5 minutes. one came over last week for the first time in THREE years and stayed 15 minutes. the other one comes and plows snow for them in the winter but that's it. it is beyond frustrating that they just take for granted that other people do the caregiving and they don't have to worry about anything.
i will also point out, the level of cognition my grandmother has anymore is limited so when they come over, she doesn't know them OR let them help her and just gets agitated, so it's just as well they stay away. otherwise it's more agitation for me and my mother to deal with.

I am joining this train as well as the others. My dad is half the man he used to be due to dementia. My only brother makes it all about money and control. I also think that when my dad has passed I will no longer have my brother in my life or his family. He has not been here to help me with dad so why would I want anything to do with him in the future? He is my only sibling and its rough at times and I feel bad but everytime I let him in just a bit he starts bullying and trying to be in control. I don't need that in my life and the less stress when you are truly taking care of your loved one the better. Dad needs me and I'm there for him as he always was for me growing up. I have forgiven my brother deep in my heart but I will never forget all the hurt and pain he has caused these past few years. When dad is gone so is my brother....

I am in the same situation. I care for my mother 24/7 with no help. I have 2 sisters and a brother. No one is working-all retired. I am 65 years old. My brother has not seen my mother since Jan. 5th, 2010. He is about 30-35 minutes away. My older sister has seen her 2 times this year 30-35 minutes away). My other sister lives 2-5 minutes away. She visits; however, she never comes be4fore 6:00 p.m., sits and reads a book; offers to do nothing. I have told them how I feel. It has done no good. Judgemental or not, I cannot wait to have nothing to do with them. Add to this the attitude of my mother it's a bit much.