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in other areas of their lives also, and probably have very little, if any integrity. In addition, they probably have very low self-esteem. I believe it would bother an individual terribly who had high-esteem to know that they were not doing right by their siblings and parents, and, therefore, they would change the situation and begin helping out. Basically, what I am trying to convey is that if you have a sibling that does not offer themselves (the best thing you can give anyone), they probably have a poor attitude in other areas of their life, so please don't take their lack of caregiving personally. Speaking for myself, I am still considering whether or not to keep in touch with my sister when our parents are no longer around. I'm undecided at this point, but would be interested in anyone's input on this subject.

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Sometimes adult children distance themselves from elderly parents because they were abused as children and cannot deal with the emotional pain from the past. Most likely these elderly parents are still abusive toward their adult children. I no longer see my elderly father because of abuse as a child and his indifference toward me as an adult. It is not for lack of trying, but why should I bother anymore.
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By the Way ... Mom is 91 and has lived with me,husband and now 2 grow kids for 12yrs...
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I feel the same way about talking with them after Mom's passing...I'm having a Grad party for my daughter in 2 wks and have invited my 3 siblings who 2 of them last visited Mom In May and 1 that lives in the same town and saw Mom once last year...they say they are coming to the party which I think is important for my daughter but it "irks" me to think they will be seeing Mom that day... If it wasn't for the party they would not be coming to visit Mom... I don't need or want there help and I will not be informing them of Mom's condition...I have made a decision that if Mom ends up in hospital again for any reason I will not call them...They do not call me or Mom at any time, so obviously they don't care. I will have the 1 sister who visits and calls weekly inform them of her passing... I have wasted too much time wondering "why" they don't give a shit about their Mother... SELFISH, SELFISH, SELFISH !!!!
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That is really rough. My sister who is the focus of her resentment still drops by to see mom, although she will not go any further than the living room due to mom's paranoia. Can identify your mom's triggers and go no further so as not to upset her. I know it's tough... Last night she told me her 'voice' told her I should pack and get on a plane. My feelings were hurt and that's what I wanted to do. My brother reminded me that it is the illness and not her. Our mothers would be destroyed if they knew what they were doing. Hang in there. I'll keep you in my praers.
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My mother also focuses her anger on me-she thinks my brothers are so great and puts me down all the time-now Mom will need to have someone to be with her when she gets home from the hospital and one brother has already refused-my sister who does almost everything for her can not help right now because of her job and I have done my share plus Mom went to hit me last time I was with her.
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I think there is not one rule fits all families; it depends on the dynamics of the individual families. My mom has dementia and here are 6 surviving syblings. However, we have give power of attorney to one brother who manages very well. There are two local sisters and the one sister who would help the most Mom has focused negatively on her; of course we realize the dementia. The other local sister steps in for a visit and then out again. I live 2500 miles away but am blessed because I am able to come to telework from the state where mom lives; thank God for technology. I was feeling guilty that I was not helping and asked for the approval to work from mom's state; approval was granted. So, I work in the facility during the day and am able to be home with mom during the night. And it is rough, but I am happy that I am helping. Sometimes you want to help but cannot, sometimes, you don't and should, and sometime you step up. There are all types of family dynamics; but most of all, you PRAY....
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Electric109,your mother and sister are so lucky to have you involved in their life. I have 3 siblings and they are not involved in our mothers care. I agree with you about assisted living or living next door.Your mother should see a doctor for dementia and start medication. Went my husband started taking medication,there was a big difference in his health.My mother also has dementia and as soon as she was given medication there was improvement.I am their caregiver and the Rx has maded my life less stressful.Good Luck.
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Littletonway, thank you. I realize that you are right. I donot have anyone helping me at all. I have the sole responsibility. However, I'm trying to have a better attitude. This site is, really, helpful. Thank you again.
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Good evening my kind friends! Well the social worker finally is coming to evaluate my MIL for IHHS . She asked what exactly my MIL needs help with, I told her she's maximum assist! I sure do hope they can get someone soon. My surgery is next month! I am also concerned because my mother in law gets combative (always with me) with people she gets familiar with, she hits and pinches when bathing and dressing her, she turns into stone and its like moving a 300 pounder!
So I'm not sure how the social worker will react to that and or when and IF we can get someone to tolerate her behavior she is 89 with vascular dementia and can no longer really talk, but boy does she have a temper. No matter how nice I try once the clothes start to come off that's it! But it's a start and soon won't be my problem only my husbands. Can't wait for my surgery! My hip pain now is almost unbearable! Just trying to hang on! Thanks all for being here nitey nite....
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Your not alone. I asked my sister today can you or your husband moe the back lawn please. Her reply was not right now with what's going on in our house hold. Teenagers. I had a teenager too who moved in to my moms with me to live and she now lives in another state Florida. She moved the heck out of the house and I don't blame her. My point is I raised a teenager single mom and she has a husband and can't find the time to moe the back yard but has time to help others with things. I just laugh now and ask for help and say exactly what I need knowing that she will have an excuse. I wonder what she would say if I said mom has not bathed in a month can you please come do that. Just venting. I'm done trying to get family and friends to help or understand what I am going through on my new journey. When mom passes I am out of here and they can deal with the house and all that goes along with owning property. hahah
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I just found this site tonight and boy oh boy did this hit the nail on the head for me! My sister lives one block from my parents and still acts like they are the same parents we had growing up. She refuses to see things as they are. She will go weeks without even giving them a phone call. I call it dysfunction and selfish.....I have no problem being their caregiver now but down the road when i really need her help i am afraid all the years of resentment will come out in ugly ways from my side. BTW bless you all! you are saints!
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PS
We both call my mother multiple times everyday, and the house is set up with cameras so we can keep and eye on her.
Thank you for your feedback
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Looking for someone to shed some light on my personal situation
Our Mom is a month away from being 88.
She has no major health problems.
She has some dementia, sundowners, repeats herself often excessively, displays short term memory symptoms.
Normal and regular back pain and arthritis issues, but is mobile, and can dress and feed herself. Cooking is a bit tricky.
She has been evaluated as a fall risk, and is somewhat unsteady.
She refuses to use a walker, cane, or wheelchair (for longer distances).
Mostly sits and watches TV - sedentary – she enjoys going for rides, but doesn’t like getting out of the car.
A bit of a “sad-sack”, “woe with me”, but often laughs hardily, with her children.
Answers and dials the phone with some difficulty but can communicate OK for the most part.
She lives alone in her home of 88 years, and is surrounded by very familiar neighbors.
She refuses to wear a life alert bracelet.
She refuses to live in an upscale assisted living facility.
She refuses to sell her home and move next door to her children even in a “mother-in-law” type configuration
She gave up driving voluntarily (30) years ago…… reason being it scared her.
My sister and I both live about (15 miles/ 30 minutes) away.
She has not been mentally evaluated thoroughly – my sister feels it might upset her, and feels that dementia is not treatable anyway.
My sister takes copious medical notes ,ensures routine doctor visits, and runs the household particulars.
Mom has a medication routine which we ensure is taking twice daily ( vitamins, blood pressure, arthritis) – alone she will often forget to take her pills
My sister has progressively escalated to about (20) hours a day with my mother. She is uncomfortable leaving her alone any longer than about (4) hours.
She spends the night with her every night, except once or twice a month when I fill in.
I visit Mom a couple times weekly for about (2) hours each, and routinely come by on Sunday afternoons.
Mom now gets frantic when my sister is not around, even if I’m there with her.
I believe an irrational dependency has been established with the primary care giver.
QUESTIONS and assumptions:
What would the optimum course of action be to ensure the best quality of life for everyone involved?
I feel that my mom has become overly dependent on my sister, and no amount of one on one contact seems to be enough.
My mom complains of being lonely and being scared to be alone….. my sister and I debate, how much is legitimate dementia versus simple loneliness.
My sister claims she spends so much time with our mom because she feels better about it regardless of whether my mom actually needs the level of attention.
Admittedly Mom is more relaxed with my sister next to her.
My sister claims she is OK with the current routine.
I advocate assisted living, mom moving next door, less care until she becomes legitimately helpless.
Thank you for your feedback
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I have cared for my mom for six years. She moved with her boyfriend closer to my bro and sis and me. However, they expect me to do all of it. They rarely call, rarely visit hardly have anything to do with her. I would call every other day and go over every week/every other week. I have a mental disability and my siblings don't care. I had to walk away and tell my sibs to take over I couldn't do it anymore and protect my mental health and physical health. The payback I get for having taken care of my mom so long gets me where my bro will not let me talk to or see my mom. Punishing me, sort of, punishing my mom, greatly. I have nothing to do with my family anymore. They're written off. I have tried everything under the sun to make contact to no avail. I pray to God that He kiss my mom at night and remind her how much I love her. My family won't talk to me as punishment also.
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Forgot to mention, you might contact your Mom's church and ask for a minister to visit. Some churches have groups that visit shut-ins and even bring communion on Sunday. Best of luck!
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Veronimck4, it has been 2 years for me as well. Sending you tons of hugs and prayers! It is only through God's grace and His strength that I get through each day.

You have to let go of those feelings for your sibs. It is certainly not affecting them in any way and only hurting you (probably more than you realize)! I hope you have someone helping out during the week so you can enjoy some "me" time.
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We cannot be responsible for other people"s actions-only our own. I, too, have siblings: however, my mother lives with me and they do nothing. Only one sister visits and she makes sure that she doen"t come before 6:00 P.M. Even then offers to do nothing. It has been almost two years. I found myslf being very angry and resentful. I did not like feeling this way (even though I've been told that this is only natural). I realize that the only person I"m hurting is myself. My sisters and brother are going about their business enjoying life. All day long I am asking for God's help to not let this turn me into the kind of person that I will not like. I am sure that once my mother is not with us there will be no contact at all between us. At this point I'm just trying to take it day by day. This is sad: however, I can understand why she has no visitors. Noone comes to see her but the one sister- no church members, no other relatives-noone. What can we do but find enough strength and love in our hearts to do what noone else wants to do. In my heart (even though it"s rough) I know that I am doing what is pleasing in God"s sight. Even though we don"t know each other personally,we share a common thread. I will pray for all caretakers. We need it.
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After my mother passes if I am still around who knows we are not promised a tomarrow -I do not know if us sibs will stay in touch -now mom is sick and will see if either brother will step up but mom has said things to pit us against each other -why I do not know- but my sister and I are close-I never complain to one of my kids about the other -it is not right I am so glad to be back home and with all my AC buddies-you folks are the greatest-and for those who live in Calif what a nice state and all the people are so nice.
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I, too have the same experience with my family. My parents raised 6 beautiful children and only Me to care for them. My dad was an alcoholic and controlling our whole life so we all married young to get out of dodge. During that time starting families of our own. Needing our parents support financially, help with our children the normal help children need when they fly the coop. At that time not one of them said Im on y own now I left to get away from the drinking and control so let me be..... No it was "dad and mom can you help me with money, can you co-sign for me can you watch my children so I can get some time for myself". Then BAM they started doing good, making millions and then they remembered Why they shouldnt be in Mom and dads life because of their childhood. Now that they dont need them financially no more the visits stopped . Many holidays without their children not even a phone call or a card. Now that they need help on their last days no one offers any help. and I do have a brother who offered help asked what he could get for my mom and never even bothered following thru. Why ask??? Yes I Believe people reap what the sow- what goes around comes around. Even though I was left with the responsibility of caring for my parents and even though its harder then hell sometimes. I feel blessed. They are the ones losing out on my parents. My dads been gone for 10 months now and not one of their children has visited my mom. It breaks my heart for my mom But ALL I CAN SAY IS...... GOD FORGIVE THEM. As long as I am here to love my parents and even though it isnt the same as having all of us by her side I THANK GOD for my position. I will take the punches for my mom because she cannot. I have a so called Christian sister who has a blog on facebook with over 500 people praying for my mom to die. Im sorry I dont know any christian like that.But it is what it is and no matter what Everything we do here on earth God sees ALL. Sorry I just needed to vent.... Its a long time coming.... Wish siblings would see just how hard it is to stop Your life to care for parents. The rewards are little HERE on earth............................ P.S. My dad always told me "Good deeds never go unpunished" Thats SAD. BUT SOOOOOO TRUE
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BS0213: sorry i meant hip surgery. i didnt know how to correct the post.
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BS0213: I hate to hear that you will have a major surgery; however, it will be a great time to break away ( and I most definitely would) from caregiving and the responsibility you feel as a wife. So, go for it. I am so fed up with my situation . I wouldnt be in this mess if my husband was still here. I pray with no doubt that your surgery goes well. With knee replacement surgery you already know that you will need physical rehab. And, if you do not take care of yourself then and after, your health will go down fast. So, blog a lot and let me know what is happening. chat soon.
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BS0213, I wish you well with your surgery and your determination to stop straining your health that it results with major surgery. It's time for the family to step up and care for their mother. I hope your husband will be able to back you up! Take care!
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Your are right about the siblings it's just so annoying because they come whenever they feel like it , not when we really need them. Tomorrow for instant we will be allowed to go out from 9:30-1 pm so we basically have to take what we can't get! And the advice about not telling the siblings was exactly what I told my husband, not to be notifying them about there mother. If they don't come around why should they know? But he has to tell them! And I am the one who is caring for THERE mother 24/7. And today my news of hip surgery was told to my other two sister in laws and from what I heard (from the good SIL lol) there not happy because they know they might have to help with there mother. This will be my time to retire from caregiving. I will not strain myself again anymore. I'm already doing to much and with major pain!so looking forward to my surgery! I will never understand my husbands family. Thank goodness I have great daughters and grandchildren and a great mother. Will keep you posted! Nite all and god bless...
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I have a sister and brother that live not more than 5 minutes from mom's. they all live on the same property that is adjoined. I am the eldest of 4. I take care of my 74 yo mother whose major diagnosis is osteoarthritis. My brother is the baby one that had scarlet fever at 9 months old which damaged learning, speech, & hearing. He has to have supervision for financial, personal etc. mom is a hateful woman, demanding, verbally abusive (but does not cuss for that is wrong). Read about me you will see more. My brother is mostly easy sometimes. my dad passed 3 years ago so did my husband.
So, I have a problem with the siblings among other things. However, I do know that you cannot lead them to water or make them drink. I have enough problems keeping up with me. Most days I do not know if my tail went out the door before I closed it. Humor.. working on it.
Your advice is cool too. looking forward to follow up from your blogs.
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I do not believe they are dysfunctional. I believe they are uncaring, self-centered, greedy, slouth like, and more.
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Sooooo.. this thread really caught my eye today. I do believe some sibs are dysfunctional, but I don't think that is why we never see them. Yes, some are very busy and yes, some are very far away. But in this day and age of e-mail and texting, there is no excuse for their absence in the life of a loved one! they don't even have to talk to us personally anymore, just drop a sentence or two and let us know you are still alive and care.
I have 6 sibs of which I am second oldest and have lived in an apartment in my parent's four family house for all but the first 2 years of married life. I have been here for all the trials and tribulations of the entire family, as it has always been family living here. Grand parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and sibs.
My dad passed away over 30 years ago at the young age of 54, with my youngest brother being only 13. I've basically been taking care of Mom and sibs for my whole life. My oldest sister moved at 19 to follow her husband in the Air Force, so I became the oldest at home. When Mom became ill, I was asked to leave my job to care for her, as she would be more comfortable with me than anyone else because I was always here. So I left my job almost 5 years ago with the promise of help from everyone. Well, you can guess how long that lasted!!! My oldest sister is in Virginia and stay for 2 weeks in the summer. I have to say she is here more with Mom in those 2 weeks, than anyone else. She and her husband are very generous with $$ when I need it also. My youngest brother is the least squeamish about helping out with Mom and also is good about $$ issues. Lately he is having problems at home, so I don't see him very much anymore. He does however, call and check in to see if we need anything. The oldest of my brothers and the youngest sister (POA) never come even though they are close by, but if I call and ask for help they come without excuses or questions. The middle brother and sister are totally useless and only show up a few times a year, even though they are close by. Both had borrowed lots of $$ from Mom and never paid it back. She used to call and check in, but told my sister that she was sick of hearing me bitch about all the stuff I do for Mom. My sister told her that's all I talk about because that is my life!!!
Anyway, after 2 years of beating myself up and cursing them, I decided to just ignore them and make believe they didn't exist. Shortly there after I convinced my husband to do the same. It took such a load off me, that I recommend it to all care givers. Let the siblings GOOOO!!!!! They are not worth the aggravation!!
We can't change them and we do what we do each for our own reasons. In the end, we will be able to live with ourselves and they will have to answer for their stupidity forever.
As a matter of fact, when Mom fell in January and broke her wrist, I never called anyone to tell them. The brother who never visits, showed up while she was still in her cast. He couldn't believe no one had called him! Why would I? He doesn't show any interest the rest of the time. Like I said, they don't call you for updates, no reason why you should have to call them.
I hope you can all make peace with yourselves over absent siblings. Move on with your life with dignity, unlike them.
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BS0213 - when I had my 1st major stomach surgery, I knew that I could not come back home to recover. Because I would end up helping my dad with my bedridden mom. So, I stayed with sis and let bro-of-next-door care for them. I made the mistake of moving back home within a month after my surgery.

When I had my 2nd major stomach surgery, I decided to stay much longer away. I spent about 2 months away. It sure made a difference between 1 and 2 months!
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Bella – I so agree with you about what goes around comes around. Our parents are quite abusive to us 8 kids when growing up. Everyone practically left the house when they reached 18 yrs old. I would NOT have stayed back at age 23 to help when my mom started showing Alz. But at that time, I had “found God.” And my conscience required that I “honor my father and my mother.” I cried to a fellow believer that I didn’t want to do this. So, I do understand why my 7 siblings refuse to help. What hurts ME is that they weren’t helping the parents for ME.

Our childhood must be really bad because my 2 younger sisters and I have NO memories of our childhood (other than playing with our siblings.) Sometimes, an old song plays in the radio, and my sister & I would recall the music playing with us hiding under the dining table (had long table cloth) and the Deep Sadness and Fear we were feeling. Awful – that Deep Sadness.

Father had a stroke last year – bedridden since then. I thought maybe this time I would get help from siblings. NOPE. Bro-of-next-door with his wife and 3 Grown Children (over 20’s). Bro’s youngest son and his GF and son were to move in. Nope! His daughter (a teacher) was suppose to come in the mornings/evenings to help me to change their pampers. Nope. (But her Facebook says she’s helping me!)

This past May/June, I hit rock bottom. I had stopped asking, begging, telling family that I was Googling best way to commit a 100% painless suicide, then when I found the answer – I told family. Nothing. So, in May, when I hit rock bottom, I had decided that my life is a prison and I no longer wanted to live. But, I just came across this site 2 days before, so I posted and go help from others.

It’s what Kuli and Teacher are saying. But let me add what I was told which helped me a lot with Anger and Resentment towards my siblings.

1. Our Parents should have prepared for their old age. (My parents always told us kids that they have kids so that they can take care of them in their old age. Parents never showed us love, hugs, encouragements while growing up. The only encouragement we had was to do good in school and in life or else we would be belted with a thick leather belt with a Minimum of 5 lashings.)

2. My brother (of next door) has a Right Not to care for our parents. It is His Right and His Decision to help or not. It may seem unfair to me, but it Is His Right!

3. Just as it was My Choice to help the parents – whether I did it willingly, or due to conscience or due to religious beliefs. I Made This Choice (unwillingly!!!)

4. Once you accept that your siblings have a Right Not to help, you can move on to what You Can Do to help alleviate your stress – elder care programs, paid caregivers, etc….

When I told my sister this, she was so angry that our siblings have a Right Not to Help. She was blasting off the posters here who gave me this advice. A month later, she asked me if that advice worked for me. You see, by accepting this and moving on, I have changed. I’m no longer so Negative and so Angry and so Resentful. My sister can see the change. I Still Resent That Siblings Don’t Help!!! But, I’ve accepted it and don’t count on it. If they do help, I will accept it.
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As the caregiver to my Mom, with absolutely NO INPUT from either my brother or my sister (financially, emotionally, or otherwise) I DO take it personally. My mother raised them, cared for them, GAVE THEM LIFE - the least they can do is CALL HER if they can't visit more often. My brother lives 2 states away, so he has a much better excuse than my sister who only lives 2 hours away...but neither one of them call her! They call me and ask me "How's mom doing?" my reply? "Call her yourself and ask her!" or I just hand the phone to her and make them talk to her! It is extremely unfair for one sibling to handle everything, when she brought us all into this world. My mom was knocking on death's door earlier this year, and my sister had the nerve to say "so do you feel guilty for the things you've said about Mom??" I said "No - those words were spoken out of frustration and exasperation because I get NO HELP from you or our brother - do YOU feel guilty for not calling or seeing her but once this year???" UGH!!!
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I'm so sorry for what all of you are going through. Compared to many of you my situation is a cake walk. I really don't know how you do it. My mom is at least in an Assisted Living facility, and they take care of her needs. I just have to handle her mental status. Bless all of you!!!
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