Sibling Power of Attorney Reversal.

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My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's & Dementia several years ago. Since then my elder sister has been caring for him and allegedly has gained POA. She has yet to provide such documentation and us siblings question whether she is capable of tending to his needs, or if in fact has official POA? I understand that she has sacrificed a lot over the years, but it was always in my Dad's best interest (and late Mother's) that if any sibling needed "help" that the house would always remain open. Since then she has taken "control" of the household and has denied visitation access to other siblings when things were not convenient for her and has turned away Siblings in need. We suspect abuse (unintentinal of course) and neglect for our dad and feel she has no right denying us access to the house, nor feel that she is qualified to provide the care my dad needs during his last years. Recently Hospice care has provided services for my dad, but arguments have escalated between siblings as she continues to manipulate and control household access and visitation. We feel that she is going against my late mother's wishes and my dad (who can't fend for himself), but ultimately all we want is to have a peaceful environment visitations and enjoy my dad's final years. We collectively want to intervene and have my Elder sister's (alleged) POA reversed.

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The only way you have your sibs POA reversed is to PROVE negligence on her part to your parents. If you suspect she is neglecting one or both of them, call DFS and they will go to the house and investigage to make sure that the elders are being care for correctly. If she has taken care of them all of these years, she probably does have a DPOA or POA. It's VERY, VERY hard taking care of ONe elder, let alone two by yourself. If she hasn't been getting any offers of help, she may resent you other siblings just "stopping by" without calling first. It's the TOUGHEST job there is and I was on a schedule with mom...ANY interfernece would ruin the schedule and an argument would ensue to get her back on track. It messed up the whole day. IDK..that's just my experience. I know I resented my siblings for never, ever offering to help or never, ever bringing by even a meal so that I wouldn't have to cook three times a day. It never happened.They never even called to ask how mom was or stopped by to see her and they both live 15 min. from me. If a stranger showed up at the door, selling something or asking directions, mom always thought it was someone for HER....HER company and would fight me to try to talk to the stranger at the door. Arguments..that shouldn't have had to happen, did because of the person at the door. Mom would argue about it for hours....and I could NOT persuade her that the man at the door was NOT there to see HER...the narcissitic personality again. Are you willing to take over 24/7 to care for both parents, quit your job and lose your life as you now know it? THAT is what happens. And, it's a "thankless job" at that.
I agree with teachergear, I take care of my mom 95% of the time. I have one Sibling out of 5 who does very little. When my mother made me POA it was because I was the only one helping out. I don't know how much you have helped REN, but it's a thanklessness very hard job. If you become POA, you'll have to do all of the banking, shopping, doctors and pay all bills. I hope you have plenty of time because you'll need it. Also you have to keep a record of every purchace and bill you pay down to the penny.
I'm not sure why you would be worried about your parents if Hospice has been in. I doubt very much that Hospice would sustain someone in a neglectful environment. Is it because of Hospice that you are suddenly interested in controlling how your sister cares for them? Why do any of you need access to the house? Why do your parents have to allow their children to move in with them when they can barely take care of themselves? I'm sorry, but this just sounds like a bunch of sour grapes to me. I took care of my mom and dad together for the last few weeks of my dad's life and now my mother. My siblings have the same attitude that you do. Try saying thank you and what can I do to help rather than thinking about suing your sister.
Visiting the home is one thing....not sure what you mean by "access."
There are too many people who sit back and complain about how caretaking should be handled. It's like being a Monday morning quarterback. Walk a mile in a caretakers shoes and learn some lessons.
Thank you ALL for the feedback. This is the main issue... YES, first and for most, my dad is our MAIN concern. We lost our mother about 14 years ago and we only had about a week to prepare for her burial. (I guess we were all in denial) When we come to visit dad, he just lays there in bed and stares at us and we feel this is our opportunity to embrace his final days. My siblings want to be more proactive and involved during this time. We have "mentally" prepared ourselves and know what to expect down the road for dad, (unlike our Mom) but we want to give back and allow him to hear our voices, sing songs of Prayer and have him see and hear our laughter. (WHY WOULDN'T ANYONE WANT THIS FOR THEIR DYING PAERNT)??? Both my parents were very spiritual with religion, faith and considered their home "a house of God & Love". My Elder sister resist upon their wishes and continues to control the environment. We try to plan family meetings and dinners but seldom open to the idea. This is NOT a situation of "sour grapes" - but one of anger, disappointment and frustration toward a Sibling who should be uniting and NOT dividing this family. Take note -- this is the same sibling who was a teenage runaway, drug attic, constantly argued with my late mother and has MANY anger issues. How would you feel if all the family you had left was managed with this type of mentality??? Several siblings (including myself) don't agree with how this household is being managed, and I feel it is MY DUTY (to my Parents) to stop her in her tracks and bring this family together. THIS IS WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE WANTED!!!
I work full-time and have my own place, but this controlling CRAP and manipulation needs to STOP. It's against the law to deny visitation to a parent - especially if it's "personal" between siblings.
@ Careful; When I say "access" -- my other sister wants involvement with 24/7 visitation to help feed dad, groom him and talk to him. (basically move in) EVERY other Sibling wants this too, because we know she's coming from a place of love and NOT anger. My Dad DESERVES THIS, contrary to other people's opinions.
It's as I said before....there is NO way you can reverse her DPOA unless you prove she has been negligent to your dad. Hospice would have reported her if she had been. She is in control with the DPOA..sorry. Just pray for your dad.

When my dad died, he had his arrangements already made...cremation. I had never been to a "cremation" and only normal funerals. I didn't even know that I could have "visited" him in the funeral home before he was cremated. My SISTER knew and SHE WENT with my step sister but they NEVER told my brother nor I. How's that for hateful sibling?
Thanks again teachergear1 - one of my brothers is currently looking into POA records so we ALL know where we stand. We've asked for these records from her and she claims she can't find it??? (maybe they don't even exist) My (our) motives are strictly for uniting this family. My sister already hinted that after my dad's passing she will be going into seclusion to grieve. (WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US)??? This house is where we all grew up and we all have fond memories of our parents. She has brought SO MUCH UGLY to our family and it stems from her past and feels the need to take it out on us. Funny thing though - she somehow managed to buy a new truck and paid cash??? I personally will look into my dad's spending financial records. We know for fact that his money will be split equally between his 5 sons and 3 daughters -- that's if there's anything left! To me that's not even what's important. She needs to honor our parents and do the right thing. I understand it's a burden being a Caregiver, but she offered from the beginning and now turns help away. This was all premeditated for manipulation and gain. My mother is probably turning over in her grave knowing what she's done/doing to her family. Carma comes into play eventually and someday she's going to need her family and most of us will not be there. At this point and time I don't even want to come visit dad because of her animosity and controlling BULLSHIT! She's the one with hate and has ordered siblings never to step foot in "her house" again, so I do understand a hateful sibling teachergear1.
RenT28- I'm sorry- I can't help reading between the lines and I feel there's more to this story than you're telling us. This is what I'm reading:

Your sister is the sole caregiver for your father, and has been for "several years" (exactly how long?). Have you all been offering to help all along, or just recently? I don't hear about any attempt at involvement by you and your other siblings until recently, perhaps spurred by a) your sister obtaining POA, and/or b) hearing that hospice has become involved. Spurred by the POA, because you think she's done this so she can manipulate and control your father's life and finances and take advantage of him in his weakened state, maybe even use up all his money before he dies and there won't be any left for you all to inherit. In my experience as my mom's full-time caregiver for six years now, I HAD to get POA for my mom so I could TAKE CARE OF, NOT take advantage of, her finances (a job I had already been doing, which she had requested of me, but was dreadful to me and I and felt woefully ill equipped for because I felt I was terrible at all things financial. I would have gladly put my brother in control of this aspect of mom's life, but neither my mom -in her lucid days-nor I felt we could trust him to have the job because they had not had a good relationship and because of his interest in the money). Without POA, every call I made to her bank, creditors, mortgage company, etc., was met by, "I need to speak with your mother and get her permission to talk with you", which got us nowhere because mom inevitably would not understand what they were asking and would hang up on them. When her house was in foreclosure, I finally had to make my financial role official so I could do all the multitudes of calls and letters to the bank, mortgage company, etc. that I needed to do to go through the process of mortgage modification and save the house for her. Having POA just makes this part of caregiving a little bit easier, it does not empower me to take advantage of her.

Your interest in being involved has also maybe been spurred by knowing hospice has become involved, because that means his time is short, since, as far as I know, hospice does not begin until there is medical certainty that a person has 6 months or less to live, as determined by the doctors that are caring for the person. It's easier to rally at the end, when the time is short, than to "sacrifice a lot over the years" day in and day out, (and night in and night out) when you don't know how long this is going to go on, when you have to grieve every day as you see this person you love dearly die one little bit after another, every day, and you see them little by little lose all knowledge of who you are, and you end up a stranger to them no matter how much you love them and try to keep them "with you", and you see them become more and more upset and confused and agitated and desperately trying to figure out where they are and what's going on, and how to get home (to their childhood home, so no matter where they are, they are not happy). You seem to casually gloss over the "lot of sacrifices" your sister has made. Do you know anything about what she has actually given up? (financially, emotionally, socially, career-wise, physical and mental health-wise - and, yes, all these areas suffer tremendously in a caregiver's life). Do you know if your father has kept her up all night, night after night, because of something called "sundowning", but is not able to nap during the day because he can't be left unattended? Do you know if she has had to frantically search all over town and call the police to help her find him because he decided to "walk home" when she wasn't looking, and has had to be hypervigilant and install special locks and safety devices all over the house to keep him from getting lost or hurting himself? Do you know if she has had to change his diapers for him, or clean up after him when he thinks the closet is the bathroom? Do you know how much income and career advancement she has given up over these years, or if she will be able to find employment after your father passes away that is anywhere near the level she had before she became your father's caregiver? Have any of you given up anything to help her, financially or practically, or as emotional support, or to help your father during the "several years", or have you just now decided to be "more proactive and involved" during this short time that will only go on for a few months?

About your father "just laying there and staring at you"- you may be blaming your sister, that this is the result of neglect, but that's not it, it's the result of Alzheimers. This is what Alzheimer's is often like when it's close to the end. Did you ask your sister if he's like this all the time now? He may not actually be seeing you, or he may be seeing you and wondering who you are, especially if you haven't been around much for a long time.

If I were your sister, and my reading between the lines is accurate, I would fight your sudden interest in involvement tooth-and-nail, because at this point it would just seem terribly intrusive, and I wouldn't trust your true motivation, I would feel it was tremendously hypocritical to angelically swoop in at the last moment to offer your help, no matter how intensive it would be, when you had years of opportunity to do so and did nothing. I would also fear it would only be a cover for wanting to be able to snoop on and judge how I was doing an almost impossible job that you had not been helping me with, which, if he is your father too, you should have been doing all along during these "several years", and not just now when the time is short. Maybe I would be open to your newfound interest in helping if I there was first a profound, heartfelt and sincere expression of apology for being uninvolved until now, and that you want to make it up to me by stepping up to the plate and doing what you should have been doing before, and if you asked ME, as the one who has become an expert in caring for our father and dealing with who he is with this illness, if you asked ME what kind of help he actually needs, and how to do it. But if I sensed any attitude of superiority or judging, no apology would be trusted, and no help would be welcome, even if I desperately needed it. And I would, like your sister, want to grieve in seclusion.

My brother came by one day and began criticising how I was doing this job, and I responded, "I don't think you have any right to judge how I'm doing if you have not lifted a finger to help out around here." Fortunately, he answered that I was right, and he'd been thinking I might say something like that. He apologized and committed to doing more, even brainstormed with me about what things he could do to help. And he has followed through, sometimes more than other times (he works overtime, and has a wife and two highschool aged boys who need his time and involvement). Sometimes he just stops by after work to visit for a while, other times he's here most of the day, fixing things around the house, sometimes they all come over and bring dinner, and big or small, it ALWAYS lifts my spirits, and it improves my mom's well-being. As a result, I am beginning, just beginning, to trust and be open to talking about financial issues with him.

My reading between the lines may be way off, and if it is I am sorry. Perhaps I am projecting my own experience on yours. But if I am even close to being right, please tread carefully with your sister. If you really want to unite the family, and you want that unity to include your sister, you may still have time to do the right thing and help her, and not just your father. By the way, I am speaking from both sides of the situation. My father died from heart failure 6 years ago, after suffering from Alzheimer's for about 7 years. I didn't do much to help my mom as she suffered with the burden of caregiving, because I had a job that was terribly demanding, and it grieves me to this day to know how much she had to go through all alone. That was a big part of my decision to step up and take care of her when he passed away and she began to show signs that she also had dementia. And it comforts me to know that when my mom passes away, my brother and I will not have a giant rift separating us that may be impossible to heal. So please, try to understand and have compassion for and reconcile with your sister and do what you can do to help her BEFORE your father passes away, and you will have a comfort and that family unity that will make the grieving more bearable.






Please clarify some things - I don't want to be guilty of judging without enough knowledge of the truth. How many years ago did your sister assume the caregiving for your father?
Kabeena - THANK YOU SO MUCH for your honesty, insite and open opinions about my family's situation. It's seems to me that most people rush to judgment and assume that anyone who questions morals, practices and circumstances usually have altereir motives. My sister has been "caring" for my father for about 14 years - immediately following my mother's passing. To answer your question, it's been about 3+years when Alzheimer's came into play. My dad was the bread winner of the family and because my mother handeled ALL the household affairs, he was completely LOST at the house.  My sister "assumed" my mother's roll and managed the household affairs.  (Keep in mind that she had no other place to live and was not working either) She offered to "take care" of dad, so most of us who had demanding full time jobs, lived out of state or out of the area were thrilled that dad was going to be ok. 

My younger brother with Bipolar was living at the house at the time and this later caused conflict between my two siblings - subsequently kicking him out of the house (as per my sister's orders) and rendering him homeless.  This is when the control and manipulation took it's course. 

Despite opinions of how things were managed, visits from family were frequent and bathing routins where every Tues & Thurs administered by my older brother and brother-in law.  Because my dad at times became violent (not undertstanding what was going on) he had to be restrained for baths and this took a tole on my family. My twin sister who lived out of state had been suffering with scleroderma and Raynaud’s phenomenon moved back to California because she needed to be in a warmer climate for heath reasons. She was willing to help dad at any capacity and temporarily move in until she got acclimated back home. This was exciting news for the family because it was a win win situation, but POA Sibling disagreed. This is when tensions started to arise and family dynamics spiraled. When POA Sibling needed personal help and had no other place to turn the home was always open, but this wasn't the case with my twin sister. If our dad could speak, he would say " this is your sister's home too." (despite the two vacant bedrooms in the house)! This is more a "personal" conflict between the two sisters unfortunately.    :(

There have been many attempts to help with dad, but my elder sister has been resistant to it all - thus pushing family away and building up much resentment. I feel that if ANY sibling intervened that she would be fearful of loosing control.  WHY I ASK??? Manipulation and gain! 

 Hospice got involved about 6 months ago, so this was a tremendous help for my sister. We had a scare about 4 months ago when Hospice "mis-diagnosed" my dad's condition and told us he fell into a Coma and had only a few weeks to live. Of course we all rushed to his aid. Not knowing what to expect, my twin and I decided share stories, brush his hair and fill the room with laughter. He miraculously opened his eyes and responded to our touch and tried to speak. We fed  him water & food instantly because apparently he was non-responsive for the last few days. My twin caressed his head and whispered in his ear "I love you dad"! He looked up to her with tears in his eyes and mumbled back to her "I love you too".  We both looked at each other and started crying. 

This is the environment I want to have my dad pass away in. We have POA sister who is rough, bitter and demonstrates no compassion with dad, where my twin sister can provide love, attention and compassion, yet gets pushed away. 

I just learned that POA sister had manipulated my dad into signing over EVERYTHING over to her after his passing just before his Alzheimer's kicked in. Im very angry with her because I saw this manipulation coming years ago and my dad got sucked up in it.  When our mother passed - she had a trust set up where all her money was divided between all 9 siblings. Not only did POA sister get free room and board managing the household over the years, but to me 3+ years of coping (and declining help) for dad's Alzheimer's doesn't constitute nor entitle her to his paid estate and 35 years of retirement and savings. Right is Right and there are 8 other siblings that are part of this family. POA sibling put herself in this situation and this whole fiasco was premeditated on her part. It's no wonder she declined help over the years because this would've jeopardized her motives. 

I haven't been in POA sister's shoes for the past 3+ years, but I can't nor WILL NOT accept they way things are currently managed. If I had the luxury of quitting my job and moving back home or could've taken personal leave from work , I know I would have handled things differently and have been more proactive & receptive to family involvement.  I would also NEVER shut my own family out and assume ownership of the family estate for capital gain. -- It's morally and ethically wrong! 

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