Sibling relationships gone down the drain.

I cannot for the life of me figure out people. If they truly believe in a higher power God, Jesus do they not fear what their judgement will be? If they have some other faith do they not believe in Karma? If they have no faith at all, then they must be without any morals to be selfish and greedy. There is so much wickedness in the world, I truly wonder why we every were created.

As I said, malloryg8r, my brothers and I would not object to our mom leaving more to our sister. It is the ongoing sneaky deception that I object to. My exact words were: "We would have been okay with her openly giving our sister the money since she bears most of the burden in her care, but they conspired together to hide it from the rest of us." Growing up in our household I always knew my sister was a sneaky liar, but never realized my mother is one too. That is a painful realization for me after all these years. Yes, I have thought about calling APS and getting an elder attorney involved, but in the end my mother would suffer the most and may end up in the custody of the State. She is happy with this arrangement, and unfortunately my husband, kids and I are just collateral damage in my sister's quest to seize control of my mom. Because I am wise to my sister's tricks that makes me enemy #1. Everyone else in the family is clueless and gullible (or at least pretend to be) just like my mom and sister want them to be. And yes, I am convinced my sister is the devil, as you say. That's only because she is. In order to understand my situation, you need to think of your sibling - the one that is the most greedy, controlling and deceptive - and instead of YOU being in control of your mother's care, picture THAT SIBLING in total control of your mother and shutting you out. Now you are starting to get the picture.

2ndbest, you could be my sister for all I know (but I certainly have not stolen any money from my mom!). But FWIW, if you have not been in a good relationship with your sister, for whatever reason! and your sister has borne "most of the burden in her care" as you said, then I agree, if you feel strange about attending the funeral, you probably shouldn't. The money issues are completely separate from the issues of---who was in an endearing relationship with your mom? in your situation (as I said, you could be my sister....) as in mine, I don't look forward to having any of my siblings attend the funeral of my mom. Because, they could not even take the time to come visit her while she was well (hardly ever), and when they did visit, all they could talk about was their own problems and wanted money from mom, and now when mom is much more frail, they don't want to visit because, quite frankly, they have no idea how to talk with her anymore. There is no "mom who hands out money when we need it" but all that is left is "mom who needs to wear Depends and who won't give me any money because she needs it all for her OWN needs."
I'm not sure why anyone would attend anyone's funeral, except that they had put their professed "love" for the deceased person INTO ACTION.
In your case, if there were alarm bells going off in your head about some 150k life insurance then you should have notified the proper authorities, instead of sitting there stewing about it. By now you're convinced your sister is the devil, aren't you?
But the fact is, maybe your mom truly DID want to leave "more" to your sister, and, WHAT may I ask, is so very wrong about a person leaving "more", even 150k "more" to someone who provides daily caretaking for them?

vstefans, your suggestion that I go late to the funeral and leave early...doesn't that make me look guilty and give my sister the opportunity to further slander me to everyone there? I picture her running around schmoozing everyone and gleefully saying that I left early because I was just making an appearance to make sure I stay in good favor with the family and just came to collect my inheritance, or something like that. The thought of having to sit near her at the funeral makes my skin crawl, but at least I will have two brothers to insulate me from her. Also I don't really know who all she has succeeded in turning against me, but I do know she has buddied up to a niece - the daughter of my brother (he's the one that I am closest to). Just a lot of issues that make me wonder if I should even plan to attend. It will be very painful for me in many ways in addition to having to face the loss of my mother. I feel like I have already lost her - emotionally anyway. My mom has lied to my brother and me to hide the fact that she secretly gave our sister a 150k insurance settlement. The reason I know is after she told my brother she got a settlement of $146k, she slipped and told me she got $264 - she caught herself mid-sentence and didn't say "thousand", there was an awkward silence and that told me she was trying to slip one over on me. We would have been okay with her openly giving our sister the money since she bears most of the burden in her care, but they conspired together to hide it from the rest of us. My opinion of my mom and the respect I once had for her are down the drain. She has insulted my intelligence once too often. How do you pay your respects to someone you have lost all respect for?

I am not on speaking terms with any of my siblings now, and as time goes on, I don't really care anymore. I did initially care, but their "noses in the air" (arrogant) attitude has really disgusted me. One of my sisters, when asked by me (one of the many times) to help me with the caregiving replied: "I hate being around old people". Well, I've got news for her, she will be "old" someday, too.
In addition, it is for sure that the non-helping siblings will be back when it is time to collect the inheritance. It may be a good idea to keep emails and letters from the non-helping siblings, if they have stated that they will not help out. The reason I say this is because if you are being left more of the inheritance because of caregiving, and the non-helping siblings try to sue you at some point, you will have something in writing to prove that they refused to help. They cannot deny anything if it is in writing.

There is an article on here that lists three reasons siblings don't help -- live too far away, too busy, and can't stand to see parents this way. This is a very nice article, but it leaves a big reason out that fits nicely with too busy. Many siblings just don't care and there is no way to make them care. This is probably most true when the family is not close. If a sibling really cares they won't be too busy to visit or call their parent. So I guess we can say there are still three reasons, but with adding "don't care" to the second one.

The reason you've cried so many tears over this, is that you care, and hope for the resolution which may not come, in this lifetime anyhow. I know I have limits to how much I can bear. I don't believe God counts it against us if we have done a lot to try to "fix" something like bad sibling relationships. In my family, things have never been good....well maybe they were for the 1st baby, then 2nd baby was extremely difficult and wore my parents down. Then 3 more kids came and it never got any better. It's not oldest kid's "fault" but he did actually have the best beginning, and always looked oh so much better than what came after him. Pride goeth before the fall.

And I will not be crying about it!

You need to checkout the dysfuntional thread! Some stories are unbelievable, mine included. When I am done here I am done with my sisters!

My oh my, your stories sound like you are reading my mind. My sister is quite the problem. I know your stories, been there done that. In counseling now. Counselor says I can't change her so just ignore the problems she presents.

2nd best, you aren't. Sis figures that the best defense is an offense and maybe she is right. Go late to the funeral and leave early. Never mind what you are accused of if it isn't even remotely true.

I'm one of the rare ones with a close, supportive relationship with my sister. By the grace of God, we were able to get POA for our mom years ago. Whoever is caring for the parents at that point in time calls the shots and the other sister does backup and listens to the kvetching. We consider our closeness our payment for being raised by a narc mom. She was so busy with her own trip that Sis took care of us both.

I live out of state from the rest of my siblings. I have visited my mom and stayed with her for a week last year and plan to do so this year. I have a business and can't be gone often or for long. I had a good relationship with my parents and they came out to visit us a couple times a year. They have been retired since early in my marriage, so had the freedom to travel. Since my father's death things have changed. I no longer speak to my sister and have cut her out of our (me, my husband and kids) lives. She is a sociopath and has total control of our mother in every way possible. My mom is happy with the arrangement and appears to want it that way. I just wonder, after reading some comments here, if I attend my mom's funeral if I will be accused of being there to get my share of the inheritance? I don't need it, since my husband and I are very well off financially. But I will be accused of it nonetheless. Makes me hesitate to even attend. My sister's favorite tactic is projection - she paints me as the greedy one, where she is the one that has weaseled $200k out of our mom since our dad died. I totally dread having to attend the funeral, and I may not. So sad the extent my sister is willing to go to to drive me out of the family. Jealousy is such a terrible, evil and destructive emotion. I am letting her "win". Sociopaths have a pathological need to win at all cost. So I am not going to stand in her way.

I have a friend who spent years caring for her bedridden mom. Her family took turns taking care of their mother. I have another friend who is living with her in-laws in an attached but separate accommodations. They are the maincaregivers but her husband's 2 sisters take one day a week to tend to their parents, and hired a caregiver to assist the main cgs. My grandmother had Alz. Her adult children each took one day a week to care for their mother. They did a lousy job at it. Grandma had lots of bedsores and her body locked in a 'wheelchair sitting' position. In my case, most of my siblings are far removed from here. Fave sis is my emotional support and tends to buy me stuff out of guilt for not physically helping. I was strongly attached to my siblings until mom's funeral. I never knew that my siblings would be just like everyone's siblings here on AC - the ones that are like vultures when they see the money. I no longer see them with rose-colored lens.

malloryg8r, thanks for your response. Yes, I was speaking to your. My apologies for not being clear about that.

cmagnum are you speaking to OP or to me, I'm not sure. If it's me, yes my DH and I do do things together and realize that we will probably live longer than my mom. I was sharing my situation with the OP since there seems to be a similarity, and I wanted the OP'er to know, yes, there are others out here who have experienced the same un-raveling of sibling relationships. Whatever the siblings used to be, or we remember them to be (with rosey-colored glasses) it sure ain't that way any more......

I'm not sure that I grasp your post which probably has more to do with me than with you.

Basically, I got that you and your husband do everything with no help from siblings who will show up for the funeral looking for their inheritance while ya'll never get a break which is ok because you prefer to please God instead of people and you do pay your taxes. Did I miss something?

What do you and your husband do for yourselves and each other as a couple since your future together has a higher probability of living longer than your mother?

I'm the only one who does anything for my mom, I have one sib within easy drive, and 3 others in a day drive. I'm sure they'll all be here for mom's funeral wanting their inheritance.....but they sure don't want to lift a finger to do any care-giving while she's alive. Every summer I wish they would come to stay with her for a week or so, they could have my house & car, but they never do. They're all "too busy" or have fancier vacations planned. So sad. Today I went to mom's house twice, yesterday twice, and previous 2 days 1x plus also did shopping & dropped off, and worked 4 hrs on her taxes. None of my sibs had to do that. Some people will claim that I somehow "chose" to do these things. My husband even went on strike once, and encouraged me too. I thought about it. It's just not fair but it continues, like all of Life. There are many different blooms in a flower garden, some petals may be missing but the total effect is glorious. I know there's a God who walks in this garden and He knows I am one of the faithful gardeners, hopefully. I can always try to tell Him "I was too busy" or "I just had to go to Hawaii, it's on my bucket list" but God did make it all, and He knows mom and me, and I prefer to please God instead of people (I do pay my taxes!).

If you want stories from those types of families, there are not so many on here; this is where the rest of us come to vent :-).

Two of my colleagues, both rehab nurses, lost their moms not too long ago and I got to see what a more supportive family and a more community-involved, unselfish elderly person's situation might be like. There were some conflicts to be sure, but they pulled together and shared the work of taking care of the houses, etc. Both moms had huge church funerals with their whole community turning out to grieve and celebrate their rich, full lives.

It is not wrong to want and wish for that - it should be more the norm, and who knows, maybe in the wider world of people who don't have as many needs to post on AgingCare, it is! If you could get sibling to get on here even if its just to "complain" about her pesky sister asking too much of her, maybe at some point it will hit her that she is missing out on being part of Dad's last days, being unfair to both you and herself, by sticking her head in the sand and not doing more than the bare minimum. Or, maybe she will come clean with the real reasons she does not want to do more. Once it gets into an antagonistic mess like this, the walls go up and the guilt level is under the surface so it is hard to admit being wrong or commit to doing differently. Approach it by asking what she *would* be willing to do - smaller things first if you have to suggest any.

If not, at least you are not in the boat where the less willing-to-pitch-in sibling is trying to run the show or steal the funds...plenty of stories like that on here too, if you really want to see some even deeper heartbreak and hurt.