Sibling relationships gone down the drain.

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Are there any caregivers out there who still have healthy, mutually supportive relationships with their siblings? I sure don't, and soooooo many others in my situation do not either. My sister and I have become strangers to one another. She has made it plain that she will not help in the day-to-day tasks ("too busy with a stressful job"--well, I have a stressful job too) and so I have pretty much shut myself down, and ask the bare minimal amount from her; doing otherwise only causes antagonistic, bitter arguments. She despises my husband and he despises her.

I strongly, strongly feel that once dad (95, living at home with husband & I as live-in caregivers) passes I will have nothing much to do with her at all.

Why does this ugliness have to happen? I've cried so many tears over it.


If you want stories from those types of families, there are not so many on here; this is where the rest of us come to vent :-).

Two of my colleagues, both rehab nurses, lost their moms not too long ago and I got to see what a more supportive family and a more community-involved, unselfish elderly person's situation might be like. There were some conflicts to be sure, but they pulled together and shared the work of taking care of the houses, etc. Both moms had huge church funerals with their whole community turning out to grieve and celebrate their rich, full lives.

It is not wrong to want and wish for that - it should be more the norm, and who knows, maybe in the wider world of people who don't have as many needs to post on AgingCare, it is! If you could get sibling to get on here even if its just to "complain" about her pesky sister asking too much of her, maybe at some point it will hit her that she is missing out on being part of Dad's last days, being unfair to both you and herself, by sticking her head in the sand and not doing more than the bare minimum. Or, maybe she will come clean with the real reasons she does not want to do more. Once it gets into an antagonistic mess like this, the walls go up and the guilt level is under the surface so it is hard to admit being wrong or commit to doing differently. Approach it by asking what she *would* be willing to do - smaller things first if you have to suggest any.

If not, at least you are not in the boat where the less willing-to-pitch-in sibling is trying to run the show or steal the funds...plenty of stories like that on here too, if you really want to see some even deeper heartbreak and hurt.
I'm the only one who does anything for my mom, I have one sib within easy drive, and 3 others in a day drive. I'm sure they'll all be here for mom's funeral wanting their inheritance.....but they sure don't want to lift a finger to do any care-giving while she's alive. Every summer I wish they would come to stay with her for a week or so, they could have my house & car, but they never do. They're all "too busy" or have fancier vacations planned. So sad. Today I went to mom's house twice, yesterday twice, and previous 2 days 1x plus also did shopping & dropped off, and worked 4 hrs on her taxes. None of my sibs had to do that. Some people will claim that I somehow "chose" to do these things. My husband even went on strike once, and encouraged me too. I thought about it. It's just not fair but it continues, like all of Life. There are many different blooms in a flower garden, some petals may be missing but the total effect is glorious. I know there's a God who walks in this garden and He knows I am one of the faithful gardeners, hopefully. I can always try to tell Him "I was too busy" or "I just had to go to Hawaii, it's on my bucket list" but God did make it all, and He knows mom and me, and I prefer to please God instead of people (I do pay my taxes!).
I'm not sure that I grasp your post which probably has more to do with me than with you.

Basically, I got that you and your husband do everything with no help from siblings who will show up for the funeral looking for their inheritance while ya'll never get a break which is ok because you prefer to please God instead of people and you do pay your taxes. Did I miss something?

What do you and your husband do for yourselves and each other as a couple since your future together has a higher probability of living longer than your mother?
cmagnum are you speaking to OP or to me, I'm not sure. If it's me, yes my DH and I do do things together and realize that we will probably live longer than my mom. I was sharing my situation with the OP since there seems to be a similarity, and I wanted the OP'er to know, yes, there are others out here who have experienced the same un-raveling of sibling relationships. Whatever the siblings used to be, or we remember them to be (with rosey-colored glasses) it sure ain't that way any more......
malloryg8r, thanks for your response. Yes, I was speaking to your. My apologies for not being clear about that.
I have a friend who spent years caring for her bedridden mom. Her family took turns taking care of their mother. I have another friend who is living with her in-laws in an attached but separate accommodations. They are the maincaregivers but her husband's 2 sisters take one day a week to tend to their parents, and hired a caregiver to assist the main cgs. My grandmother had Alz. Her adult children each took one day a week to care for their mother. They did a lousy job at it. Grandma had lots of bedsores and her body locked in a 'wheelchair sitting' position. In my case, most of my siblings are far removed from here. Fave sis is my emotional support and tends to buy me stuff out of guilt for not physically helping. I was strongly attached to my siblings until mom's funeral. I never knew that my siblings would be just like everyone's siblings here on AC - the ones that are like vultures when they see the money. I no longer see them with rose-colored lens.
I live out of state from the rest of my siblings. I have visited my mom and stayed with her for a week last year and plan to do so this year. I have a business and can't be gone often or for long. I had a good relationship with my parents and they came out to visit us a couple times a year. They have been retired since early in my marriage, so had the freedom to travel. Since my father's death things have changed. I no longer speak to my sister and have cut her out of our (me, my husband and kids) lives. She is a sociopath and has total control of our mother in every way possible. My mom is happy with the arrangement and appears to want it that way. I just wonder, after reading some comments here, if I attend my mom's funeral if I will be accused of being there to get my share of the inheritance? I don't need it, since my husband and I are very well off financially. But I will be accused of it nonetheless. Makes me hesitate to even attend. My sister's favorite tactic is projection - she paints me as the greedy one, where she is the one that has weaseled $200k out of our mom since our dad died. I totally dread having to attend the funeral, and I may not. So sad the extent my sister is willing to go to to drive me out of the family. Jealousy is such a terrible, evil and destructive emotion. I am letting her "win". Sociopaths have a pathological need to win at all cost. So I am not going to stand in her way.
I'm one of the rare ones with a close, supportive relationship with my sister. By the grace of God, we were able to get POA for our mom years ago. Whoever is caring for the parents at that point in time calls the shots and the other sister does backup and listens to the kvetching. We consider our closeness our payment for being raised by a narc mom. She was so busy with her own trip that Sis took care of us both.
2nd best, you aren't. Sis figures that the best defense is an offense and maybe she is right. Go late to the funeral and leave early. Never mind what you are accused of if it isn't even remotely true.
My oh my, your stories sound like you are reading my mind. My sister is quite the problem. I know your stories, been there done that. In counseling now. Counselor says I can't change her so just ignore the problems she presents.

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