Shouldn't her benefits go towards her living expenses and not upkeep on a car she can't drive and empty house?

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BIL is POA, mom lives w/us we get no financial help.? VA & SSI benefits. He lives 500 miles away and is POA. Mom lives with my husband and me. She is now bedridden and her bed is in my kitchen. We pay for all of her needs. Our household expenses have skyrocketed since she moved in in June 2016. Her insurance pays for some home health aids that come in for bathing and to give me a short break. We never hear from BIL and when we ask for help financially he refuses. She has a house in our town that's paid for. She gets SSI and VA benefits from her late husband. We don't get anything. He says that money just covers her household. She has a car that she pays upkeep, registration and insurance on so he doesn't have to rent one when he comes to visit which has been once this year for 2 days. I am the primary caregiver. I can't work with her here because she can't be left alone so we are down to 1 income. I am so angry and fear feeling bitter towards her (not yet). Shouldn't her benefits go towards her living expenses and not upkeep on a car she can't drive and empty house? We wanted a stair lift so she could have a private room and we could have some comfort in our home. His response was " if she dies in a month its a waste of money. My level of burnout is at its peak. I know this won't last forever but I'm living on stress and anger. Any suggestions?


If your mother is still mentally cognizant, raise with her the issue of rescinding the POA and appointing you and/or your husband. Sell the car. The cost of insurance and upkeep for a 2 day visit isn't worth it.

Contact your VA primiary care doctor and ask how to apply for Aid and Attendance, if you haven't already done so.

And suggest to your brother that since he now has control over her funds, he should assume primary caregiving responsibilities, in HIS home.
Give him 30 days' notice. Either you get a caregiving contract or he gets mom. Stick to that.
When he visits, in her house, take her over there, let him deal.
Call him when you get home, and say don't bring her back.

Now that would be just way harsh, wouldn't it?

Instead, can you take her to the local Soc. Sec. ofc., say that she lives with you now, and become her rep-payee for those funds. That is different than a POA.
SSI would love to hear that hed SSI fhnds are gojnv to Bil and not to her.!

Be sure to change Mom's address to yours, if even temporarily. o m g.

How did this happen?
Define SSI benefits. They would be her benefits only. Her home, as an exempt asset from qualifying for SSI, would have to be lived in by her to qualify for SSI.

Is there something your Bil is doing that you are not telling us?

The VA benefit from her husband-is this a monthly income?
Is it also an Aid & Attendance benefit for home health from ths VA?

Do you know how much she is receiving? So little (800?) that she qualifies for SSI supplemental income, and also receives Medicaid?
She doesn't get medicaid and if she were to go to him she would be put in a nursing home. That's her biggest fear. She has taken a turn since I first posted and the hospice nurses say it won't be long. We have spent so much money on her and I'm feeling bitter towards my brother in law. He doesn't even call to check on her. I feel petty for having these feelings. I don't know how much she gets. I think that money is for her care not upkeep on an empty house.
Hospice is fully covered by Medicare. That's her care. What other expenses does she need covered? If you mean your lost wages, this is why we encourage a written contract before you take in your mom. It's very noble to quit work to care for mom; no one anticipates the financial hardship. Not to mention the complete exhaustion. You have a special place in Heaven.

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