Should I bring this up to my daughter, or just leave it alone?

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I learned from my pastor that my youngest daughter has told him I am "over-protective" of her dad. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's two years ago, and now showing signs of Lewy Body Dementia. Most of our problems occur at night, with thrashing, hitting, shouting in bed, etc. He can no longer count money, has problems figuring out time, how to operate microwave, etc., and even how to put on his clothing sometimes. This daughter has been the one of our five kids who has been in denial all along. She works just blocks away from where we live, yet never comes to visit except for a birthday, or some other celebration, so she has no way of knowing what I go through in a day's time. The other kids are pretty supportive. Should I just accept this and be thankful for the support I do get?

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Alexander, it sounds like your daughter may be trying to blame you for her lack of involvement. It is so much easier to say that we don't do something because of someone else than it is to admit that we just don't want to do it. Could she have been trying to make you look like the bad guy to explain her own lack of involvement?

Your husband has serious dementia. Of course, you are protective of him. We are probably all "overprotective" of our loved ones with dementia. Most people do not truly understand what it is like to be a caregiver for someone with dementia. We can hear things like "Why don't you take her to the beach" or somewhere else, like everything is normal. If they haven't been through it, they just don't get it.

I have a feeling that your daughter would not have said that if she had been more involved personally with her father. I get the feeling from what you write that it is her choice and not anything you are doing.
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Thanks to everyone for your comments!
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If she's in denial, she will continue to be in denial as far as she can make it so... May I know why the pastor told you this? Was it because he, too, believed your daughter? And is in a roundabout way, using this as a way to ascertain if your daughter's assessment is correct? Or does he truly, truly seen your husband in action and Knows what it's like?

You know what I'd do? Your husband has patterns for these night time behaviors. Are you able to invite the pastor for dinner so that he can see firsthand what it's like in the home life?

The reason I mention this - is because about 23 years ago, when I was struggling with full time work, caregiving when off and my spiritual needs - I had reached a point when I could no longer handle the spiritual side. Because I was getting pressures from Everyone to do more for the spiritual food. I snapped and quit religion completely. Fast forward today, and the spiritual leader with his wife - are now experiencing firsthand elderly dementia/senility care. His wife had tears in her eyes when she admitted to me that she just did not understand what I was going through 23/24 years ago..... Maybe your pastor needs to see this first hand so that he understands what your husband is going through. And what You are doing to protect him.
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Alexander4, your feelings are there for a reason. I wouldn't try to shake them. If this was a public meeting, you don't have to mention that it was your pastor who told you what she said. I'd discuss it with her casually.

What exactly would you like? Acknowledgment that you're doing a hard job? For her to spend time? Acknowledgment of her dad's illness?
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Your pastor dropped the ball. I hope he knows that now.

God bless you for your patience. You daughter may never see the light, until her dad progresses even further.

Your husband's behavior does sound troubling. I might seek further help. You have to protect yourself too. If he ends up hurting you, it might be difficult to find him placement down the road.
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It feels to me that your daughter is begging for someone other than you to tell her the truth about her dad. Your pastor missed an opportunity , big time. You should send her the neuro reports and literature on lbd.
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Is this an adult child?

I'm sorry but I just showed this question to my 24 yr daughter and she said "call her out on it", " over protective, someone has to look after her Dad, he has Dementia"..

Just confront her and let her know exactly how this disease has effected her Dad and remind her he is your husband too..
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I agree with cmagnum. You already sort of knew what your daughter thought by her behaviour. To have the pastor running to you telling tales was hurtful and served no purpose but to stir the pot, hardly fitting for someone in his position.
Your daughter may never "get it", especially if she actively avoids situations where she may have to see the truth. I'm glad your other kids are supportive.
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I think I'd give that pastor a piece of mind about how learning that information made you feel hurt and what the real situation is with caring for your husband which he probably does not know, but should.
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Sunnygirl, thank you for your comments. To be fair to our pastor, this conversation was at a community meeting, so probably more than one person heard it. The times I have asked her to go with me to caregiver meetings, she always has some reason she can't go. So, to ask her to come and stay with him for any length of time would be pointless. I think I have the answer to my question - go on praying the Serenity Prayer to accept the things I cannot change, and be thankful for the others. I just wish I could shake my feelings toward her attitude.
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