Sharing elder care with siblings, do not demand it, do not expect it and do not rule out a facility.
Long time reader, occasional participant. I'm absolutely no professional on this but ... between my parents, my in-laws, my uncle, extended family, friends and (being old myself) ... me I've some tangential experiences.
Caring for your loved ones can be a pain and, often, sibling interactions can make it even worse. In another post a caretaker lamented ... it's not like the slacker siblings are even going to see any of these posts.
Well, I'm one of those "slackers" and I read this stuff regularly. God bless the caretakers but ...
If one sibling makes the decision that Mom or Dad should stay home they just can't demand that everyone else see it their way and/or just jump on board.
Of course none of us should ignore our elderly parents but we all need to balance what's best for them along with what's best for ourselves. If we impoverish ourselves on behalf of our parents are we not setting ourselves (and our own kids) up for the same frustrations?
Suze Orman, the leather clad finance expert, often says, "Do what's best for yourself first as that's often what's best for your family."
My suggestion is that each sibling pretend that they are an "only child" and come up with a care plan.
Now if all siblings' plans were to immerse themselves 24 x 7 in Mom's care then it makes sense that all siblings should share the load somewhat equitably.
But if sister's plan is to immerse herself 24 x 7 while brother's care plan is to move Mom into a facility then where does sister get off demanding 12 x 7 (equal) participation from brother?
Ditto for the "single child" who's got the$100K (and more) to send Mom to a "memory care unit" and then demands I ante up half. Ain't no way (not on a $15K pension and $15K Social Security).
No parent is perfect but I do believe many to be good or, at least, well-intentioned. While parents may strive to love all their children equally they often have a one size fits all parenting plan which works for some kids but, often, not for all kids. Thus, siblings will often have different memories and different feelings about their childhood and for their parents.
And some parents are, and always were, just plain ol' jackasses. Just because they get old doesn't mean they are suddenly saints deserving of around the clock love and care. (I think if a parent is demanding to remain at home while the kids cater to them that they are exactly the kind of parent that belongs in a facility.)
I think siblings do owe each other complete honesty about how they feel and what they can or can't do and I think they owe each other respect for their view (yes, even if you think it's a bit selfish).
One family is ripping on this lady I know. They have careers, important jobs and/or own their own businesses. They don't have "free time" like the "9 to 5'ers". Plus "this lady" lives just a block away (rather than in the affluent suburbs). They all feel she should be checking in before work then after work (meal time) and then again in the evening (hey, it's just one block over).
They also feel she should be able to leave work to handle a crisis that might arise during the day. (She can, she's just an hourly employee, just a clerk.)
Because she's older, old enough to collect Social Security, they all think she should retire so she can spend more time with their parents. (She's working a couple more years so she can retire ... more comfortably.)
When she does go to help (several times a week) old wounds reopen; the constant criticism, the fights, the brutal beatings. The siblings say, "Oh, just get over it already." But you don't just get over it; PTSD is a process and it's different for everybody.
Yes, some siblings are jackasses but give it a try. Be honest with each other, be respectful, maybe even use a professional counselor to keep things on track. Give in if the family consensus is a nursing home (as that would mean you wouldn't be able to count on your siblings for a lot of help anyway). Your parents' care and safety is what's important. (Medicare will kick in once your parents run out of money.)
Best wishes ...