I think some seniors think they have a sense of beck and call entitlement without any respect for the person giving the care.

Follow
Share

Has anyone else experienced this? Many times I feel my dad purposely tries to piss me off and being nice makes him treat me worse. I have unfortunately been through this too many times with other people in my life (on jobs for example). Why is it that when you are nice to people, they see it as an open door to exploit you and it is only when you scream and yell, that they finally respect you?

I get frustrated by this because in my mind, why should I have to yell and scream to get people to respect me and listen to me? Why won't they listen and respect me when I am calm and nice?


Too many games! That is why I LOVE my cat! I want to marry my cat!

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
19

Comments

Show:
My Mom has chosen not to speak to me on a few occasions also and just gives that stare like what are you doing to me? or can't you do something to help me. When there is nothing more you can do at that moment to make there displeasure with there situation go away. I chose not to visit her for two days because of her nastyness when I sat with her at a Doctor's appointment and all she could do is moan and complain she was not being waited on soon enough. Like she was the only patient to be seen. I think of dementia as not having a good memory but I think it is more then that, if she has it, no official diagnosis has been made. Like someone on here said it is an entitlement they feel. They almost are mad at the world for still being here.
(1)
Report

My MIL is emotionally cruel in two different ways. For one, she has a long history of using the "silent treatment" on others. She still does it with her dementia and it hurts my feelings as her caregiver. Sure, a lot of it is the disease but some of it comes quite natural to her. The other way she can be cruel is...................to change up her behaviors. Sweet to visitors, then nasty to me once they're gone. Is that sort of passive aggressive? I don't know. I try to distance myself emotionally but her bed is right smack in the middle of my living room in my small house. She can pretty much stare at me from about every angle lol. Sorry all. I'm just venting. I chose to do this and will continue to do so. Just getting it off my chest.
(1)
Report

It is trying to say the least to see someone who needs help then refuses the work and effort on everyone's part to make that happen. I love my mother dearly but she is really testing her boundaries of control. It Is one thing when she unleashes on my sister and I we have gotten used to it well at least I have to a point but, to make everyone jump for her is getting out of control. How can someone get through to her that it is not ok to boss people around, when they are just doing their job and let them do it. Just venting, but I understand why people have to do what they do but I cannot seem to explain it to her.
(0)
Report

I am the one who started this thread and when I read over my comments I feel bad in the way I portrayed my dad. When I attempted to do it myself, I thought I was doing the right thing but I had no idea the spectacular feat I was about to embark on by doing it with very little help. The stress was so overwhelming that I changed and was not very pleasant. It simply was not the right thing to do and when he was put in a nursing home, it still was hard to do but knowing even though nursing homes are chronically understaffed, there is at least more people to share the burden of caring for someone who has declined to such a point that are unable to anything for themselves.

Sharing the burden of caring for an elderly person is not only wise and smart, but is necessary for the caregivers mental, emotional and physical health. It is incredibly hard to watch a love one become so feeble and weak but it is a reality that will face us all and proper preparation and knowledge will help you navigate this very difficult journey with those that you deeply love.

My dad passed away about a year and a half ago and not long after he passed away, I got hit by a drunk driver resulting in a cervical herniated disc, a totaled out jeep and job lose. My life was greatly impacted by this life event.

My point is that caregivers are not wonder women or wonder men, we are just human with our own weaknesses and infirmities but some how have the uncanny ability to relate on that human level with those who declining and will eventually die.

Please understand that your needs are just as important too, even though you desire deeply to meet the needs of those you care for and love.
(3)
Report

EmilieK, would it be possible for your mother to pay for some caregivers for her as a shut it. I'm sorry to hear that your husband is in a care facility. I read on your profile that he has cancer. I read on another thread that he has dementia. What health issues does you mother have?
(0)
Report

I'm tired, I care for my Mom who is elderly and a shut in. I also cared for my husband who had Alzheimer's he is now in a care facility. Mom takes up most of my free time when I am not working, I clean homes. I hardly have time to visit my dear husband in the home. we have been married 37yrs.... I'm tired and lonely.
(1)
Report

Thank you Jeanne,

If my dad were a little more independent it probably would have worked for more time but he kept falling at night when I was trying to sleep and I knew his needs obviously have changed.

As far as his airplanes I don't know at this point because he was just admitted this past Friday when my brother and his wife came to pick him up at the hospital to take him to the facility. It was about a 4 hour drive and after I spoke to my brother, he said he did ok.

I am still out here in NW PA and in the process of packing all my stuff. On Friday I will be moving back that way. So as soon as I get settled, I will go visit him. I will probably do his laundry and see him about 2-3 times a week if he wants me to.

Thank you for your kind words and yes I will keep updating.

Cindy
(1)
Report

Cindy, thank you so much for the update! It takes real strength to not be shackled by guilt or the fear of guilt, to figure out the Right Thing (or the Least Wrong Thing) to do, and then to move forward doing it.

To be able to visit Dad as a loving daughter and to not have responsibility as a harried caregiver should be a big improvement for both of you. And if your visit occurs when he is in a bad frame of mind and he is disrespectful you can cut that visit short and tell him you will be back later "when you are feeling better."

Are you going to be able to hang some airplanes in his room?

I wish you and your dad and your brother all the best. Please continue to update us. The stress isn't over, but it should be more contained and manageable for you now. Let us know how you are doing.
(1)
Report

Do not feel guilty. Nursing homes are not perfect, but it is a far cry from what happened to dementia patients a hundred years ago. They were placed in insane asylums, drugged, tied up and left to their own.
(0)
Report

Just an update if anyone is interested. I moved my dad to a facility near my brother and I am moving back there with him to start over and now both of us, my brother and his family and myself can visit him on a regular basis.

Did I feel guilty about making this decision? No, because his needs have clearly changed. We have not lived together in two years, and I was unaware of his needs until he moved in with me. Clearly his health needs have changed and far out number my ability to handle them all by myself. I felt it was and is in HIS best interest and safety to be in a facility that can look after him 24 hours a day with shift change and a refreshed staff unlike myself who was sleep deprived and not very nice at times because I was so tired. Which leads me to the next question.......

Do I feel guilty about how I treated him at times (even though he treated me poorly at times)? Yes, I do, but I realize I was so tired and burnt out that I just could not handle it anymore. I was so overwhelmed that I imagined running away and disappearing. But we are still taking it one day at a time and I am relieved that my brother and his wife helped out! I am very grateful for there compassion.

So to all of you who are considering nursing home because you are burnt out.......please do not let guilt make your decision. Let common sense and wisdom make that decision for you. The best part is that I will be moving back to "civilization" (not that it is bad here because there are a lot of wonderful people here) and my dad will be there too, so I can at least still visit him on a regular basis. And now my brother and his family can visit more often as well. I was trying to arrange that for some time because I know if he went into a nursing home here in rural NW PA, I was going to move and then I would have felt guilty for leaving him here, unable to visit.

It also turns out that the doctor in the hospital (that he was admitted to), spoke with me on the phone and mentioned that he has mild demential. Periods of confusion and some memory problems, so I knew something was not quite like the dad I had known for many years.
(2)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions