It's so frustrating!

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I was raised by my grandparents. My Gran died in 2001 when I was 17. My grandpa had a heart attack in January 2005 and quadruple heart bypass in February 2005. He didn't want the surgery and he still doesn't care about much of anything. He misses my Gran and because she isn't here, he just doesn't care. He has refused to go to the doctor for a year. This means he hasn't been on any of his medications. He knows what he is doing. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a four year old and I'm married and I'm in college. My husband is only home on the weekends so during the week I have no help with anything. We all live together. My grandpa refuses to help with anything or even to clean up after himself (he won't put his plate in the sink, etc), won't wash himself or even change his clothes. Again, he knows what he's doing. He just says "You worry about you and your little brat. I'll do as I damn well please". What I find most frustrating, is the way he is with food and drinks. We buy double of everything and have the fridge separated so that he has one side and we have one side. This was his idea. Well, he guzzles his milk (a gallon every two days), and then drinks ours. Or he'll do as he did this weekend. I bought two gallons of milk (one for him and one for us) and put them in the fridge before we went to bed. Well, he opened his milk and ours. When we woke up in the morning he had drank half a gallon of his milk and half gallon of our milk. Yesterday, he drank an entire gallon of milk and then this morning has drank half a gallon of the chocolate milk I just bought for my son. If we buy pop, he'll drink a 12 pack in two days. We've been keeping it in our room and have been having to drink it warm because he'll take it if we put it in the fridge. He comes in our room when we aren't home and snoops for my son's candy and snacks. He ate an entire jar of Nutella (that had not been opened) that was in our room and then just left the empty jar on the dresser. When I ask him to stay out of our bread, milk, lunch-meat, etc (we buy the same stuff for him) he starts throwing a fit and then lies about it. I just don't know what to do or how to get him to stop. We don't get into his things and I don't understand why he thinks it's okay to get into ours. I'm tired of not being able to make my son a sandwich because my grandpa ate all the bread (again, he eats his and then eats ours) or the bologna. I'm sick of going to the store every other day. I don't have the time or the patience for it anymore. I just don't know how to handle his behavior. I know it sounds stupid and pathetic, but it's really frustrating and it's beginning to cause problems between my husband and I (that is another story in itself!). Any ideas?


I can understand how you must feel so frustrated. It is not stupid or pathetic. It is very tiring to go to the grocery store every other day! How can you possibly keep any concrete plans on meal preparations when you go to use something ans it is gone?
I'm wondering is there any way in your home to set up a sort of "suit" where he would have his own space. You could put in a bar fridge ect.
My mom currently lives with us and while there is only one kitchen in our home and I do all the cooking,we have meals together, she has the basement basically to herself with a bathroom and a large room for a bedroom/living room. Have you considered finding other living arrangements for him? Or perhaps putting a lock on your bedroom door. I realize that to have to unlock something every time you need it may be a pain, but it may help keep your frustrations down and keep the peace. P.S. I understand the "another story in itself" about problems in the marriage. Although my husband and my mom get along just fine, it is hard to have another adult around in the family home,let's just say. Don't know if this will help at all, but know that you are not alone. Oh, and remember (even though it is really hard sometimes)to try and always be gentle and patient, even when you are a volcano inside ( I get much better results when I don't boil over, then later go for a walk with the dog or something)
I replied to your post under Questions. With this additional information, I wonder if Grandfather might be showing some signs of dementia. Has he always been this way?

If this is his house, make plans as soon as possible to move into your own space. This situation is not fair to you, not good for your child, and not healthy for your marriage. And it certainly is not good for Grandfather. Your profile says he has diabetes. His eating plan is dreadful! He takes none of his medications and won't see a doctor? You are not doing him any favors by enabling this behavior.

If it is his house, make plans to move out. If it is your house, help him make plans to live somewhere else.
I agree with what was said. From the sounds of his appetite and moving around, could he lived independently? I wonder if a good situation would be for him to rent a place near you. You could check on him frequently, so it wouldn't be like you were throwing him out. I don't know how your finances are, but it does seem best that you have two separate roofs.
Is there any way you could get a small dorm fridge for either you or him? I agree with the poster who said you may end up having to lock up your room/food; sounds like a last resort if necessary. This might be a good time for you to stick to a more strictly "healthy" diet, drop the coke and candy and just buy fruit, wheat bread, etc; rather drastic but it couldn't hurt. Of course the real issue is your grandfather's lack of respect for you and your son by eating your food and then berating you about it. Can you talk to his doctor about this. is there any reason for his eating so much? The fact he's diabetic is troubling, is there anyone he would listen to about taking care of himself?
For yourself, stay in touch with your husband and friends, you shouldn't have to go through this alone all the time.

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