My husband wants to give power of attorney to his brother because I am "too restrictive."

Started by

I support my spouse who has dementia in A.L., take him to doctor appointments; give him spending money each week; I am P.O.A., pay all the bills, see him several times a week. Sibling & my husband with dementia are always lying to me, sneaking around behind my back, talking to attys., looking for apts for independent living. My husband cannot live on his own, cannot administer his meds, cannot drive. He insists he can do all of these things. My husband wants his brother to be P.O.A. Is this possible since everything is in both of our names. There is no legitimate reason to revoke P.O.A., other than my husband says I'm too restrictive. They are lying.......told their atty that he has accepted the fact he can't drive and his brother admits he can't drive (that is a lie). After telling their atty that, he said he needs $$$ to buy a car and a months rent. My husband has been heard on the phone saying, "I'll call you as soon as she leaves". They've discussed guardianship & conservatorship....(sibling wants to get his hands on our $$$). Is it possible for a sibling to get guardianship of the brother who is married, in A.L. and wife meets all his needs? My atty. has told me that it's possible, but unlikely. He believes the only way they could do this would be if I was neglecting or abusing him,which I am not and never have.
My husband contacting two attys. on his own to get out of AL and revoke the P.O.A.. This time his sibling is assisting him (not financially) with the most recent atty, I would say, giving him false hope.

Has anyone ever been involved in or known anyone who has been involved in a mess like this?


Withdraw the money from your joint accounts and put it in an account in your name only -- before your husband does that with his brother's help and leaves you high and dry. Continue to care for him, spend money on him, etc. The only thing that would be different is that he would not be able to withdraw money. Have you discussed anything like this with your lawyer?
To Jeanne Gibbs: Thanks for you comments. The bank informed me that I needed to withdraw $$ from the jt. accounts and transfer to my name only, which I have done. Re: investments, they are still joint, (and so is all of the property) apparently moving to my name only is more complicated , but I do have p.o.a. and when he called them he was told he could not withdraw $$ without my ok. That, of course, upset him. The problem is his bro & sil are trying to get guardianship. The SIL has her eyes on whatever $$ she can get easily & quickly. She's done this before. They have plans to move him out of AL this weekend. Last week the SIL created a big scene screaming & yelling at the mgr./nurse insisting that she see all of his papers, telling the mgr. that I have nothing to do with any of this, that it doesn't concern me. She stated the only thing I have anything to do with is his money, that I have nothing to do with his care. She was ordered out of the office; I was told if she attempts anything like that again or if she tries to move him out this weekend, that the cops will be called. They are "hopeful" that the cops will put a stop to it. If they do not, I have no idea what other recourse I have. I continue to have nightmares about this, on the few nights I get any sleep. I'm sure if it weren't for the bro. & sil., he would settle in. Even after the big scene, my husband still insists that he is moving out and living with the bro & sil (sil has always hated my husband). This is the most peculiar set of circumstances. The mgr. at AL said she has never scene anything like this in all the years she has worked with the elderly. I have considered bringing him home, but anyone who's aware of the circumstance insist that would be a mistake and that it would not work. I just don't know what to do next.
I think that SIL is going to discover that trying to get guardianship is going to take money and effort, and that when the court hears from the NH and from you it is not simply going to hand control over to her.
Have you consulted an atty -especially one who specialises in the elderly and abuse about what seems to be harrassment/abuse some kind - certainly interference in your job as POA? Could you go for guardianship/ conservatorship which would then end their claims of doing same, and give you more authority. Could you document some of the scenes in the NH and other interferences, and go for a restraining order to keep them away from your husband? You would need lkegal advice on the evidence you would need for this. He is not in his right mind, but they are, and very greedy and with no integrity apparently. I think your husband will be unhappy at anything you do right now to ensure that he stays on the AL. I am afraid that that is the fall out from the disease, and may pass in time. It must be very distressing for you. I lean towards agreeing with Jeanne that the courts would not appouint them as guardians, but stranger things have happened, and it may be better for you to preempt them and go for it yourself.
(((((hugs)))) I think you have posted on this before, and it seems nothing has been resolved. Hope you are able to put an end to this nightmare. Let us know what works out!
Somehow he needs to be declared incompetent to make decisions. You are his wife which gives you more legal advantages than his vulture brother. What about his primary care physician? What is his position on your husband's competency?
My family just went through a guardianship proceeding, challenging a POA made 8 years before, which named a former co worker. Named POA was doing nothing to assure our relative's well being, including visiting, and was completely unaware of any mental health issues. It took us 3 months, 6K in atty fees, and 4 multi-hour trips.

Finally, the judge and atty for the individual decided it was better for the individual not to be adjudicated incompetent, but to revoke previous POA and name us as POA, since they like to see families reunited (Obviously a small town, and had we lost, we were appealing on numerous grounds).

My advice is to see an elder law atty. I see how easy it would be for the former POA to sue for guardianship, perhaps not win, but give me fits. Our relative moved out of state to live near their new POA (us), and I doubt the former POA has the means to file for guardianship here.
I sympathize with you. You do all the work involved and the brother wants his money before he become totally disabled. I am going throught the same concept but i have stopped all communication from his brother after he broke into our home while we were on vacation in june 2011. He changed the locks and laughed and told the nieghbors how easy it was to change locks and make new keys while his brother was on vacation in Yellowstone Park. When We came back I stopped all communication with this brother. Call block Police ect to keep him away. Now my husband is diagnosed with dementia.2014 june. His brother knows about it but I am not sure how he will take it. No communication with call block on your phone will help. Hope this Helps you.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support