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83 yr. old mother with dementia embellishes every conversation the anyone has with her. She tells me that my brother has said that he misses her and wants her to come home...he hasn't said that. She says that the nurse practitioner says that she is ready to go home...she hasn't said that. And it's not just about going home, but everything. I used to think that she was just telling a lot of lies, but now I think she truly believes what she is saying. Does anyone have any experience with this. I really think it is not good for her to believe she is going home when she isn't.

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My mum sometimes wont eat because she thinks she's being poisoned by my brother. She is constantly worried about the people that come in and take or hide her things and keep her awake talking all night. She is clearing her rooms out for some building work to be done to "tidy up the shape of the room" i could go on and on. She is more emotionally invested in this parallel life than in reality. I don't have any answers but you are not alone.
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I think that, what happens is, they dream something, (whether good or bad), and when they wake up, they are confused and can not tell the difference between a dream and reality, so they stick to the belief as if it did happen. Like "Pickle15" said that her mother accused "someone very close to her of an indecent act". Most likely, she dreamed it and she's sticking to her story as real, because she's confused. They remember "good enough" to talk about it as if it were real. I wish I could figure out how to make them snap out of it . . .

That has happened with my mother . . . She tells me some disconcerting story and I'm like, "how the hell do you come up with those things!?" She'd be like, "I don't know . . . but it's true".

My brain is getting used to just listening and saying, "oh mama, there you go again", nod my head and keep listening . . . sort of like, selective attention.
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my mum is worried all the time about people coming in her house trying to make her go to work, stealing stuff. She can repeat conversations but none of it is real. I tell her its her mind making tricks but she doesnt believe me and i can see its hard for her not to be believed but I cant "play along" with negative things that are upsetting her.
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oh yes! we use to think my mom was a compulsive liar...it was, unfortunately dementia....She always had a good imagination, but we discovered it's delusions...and she really does believe them...been doing that for years and years...she's 86 now with severe dementia, which she kept hidden well until 6 months ago.
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i understand the feeling.....I'm living with my grandmother and I deal with the everyday stories she tells that didn't happen....For instance I woke up this morning and she told me how she was up with my 8 month old for a few hours last night and couldn't get me awake .... she said my baby was screaming from the top of her lungs but in reality she wasn't awake at all.... my child sleeps in the same room as me.... I have 6 kids so I'm a pro at getting up in the middle of the night.... my uncle lives here also and he pulled me off to the side and said that nobody was crying and granny was in bed. I wake up sad everyday because it hurts to see her like this. She's very different compared to when I was a kid.... When she went to bed tonight she sai "Alicia if I happen to die please tell all my grand baby's how much granny loved them" 😢. I love her soo much
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Just found out the other day while visiting my MIL at her Asst Living Facility that she's telling everyone that her husband passed away many years ago, after their daughter was born. My FIL just passed last year. Another statement she's making is that she had 10 children. Clueless on why she thinks this because she has only 4. It's sad to hear these stories because the reality is that she's getting worse. She is however very happy living at this facilty. Matter of fact, during our visits she walks away from us without saying anything to go get her girlfriend for their ice cream social. LOL!!
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Do the folks who are listening to these accusations not consider that the source is a demented and damaged brain?
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Pickle, my mom sounds like yours.
I'm anxious to hear what advice you receive.
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My mother (75 yrs. Old)was diagnosed with dementia about 5 years ago, then she fell a year and a half ago and hit her head had emergency surgery and now is in an assisted living. There have been instances where she talks about something that happened a certain way but it didnt. She has accused me (her only child) of lieing to her and says her situation is all my fault. Just recently she accused someone very close to me of an indecent act and is adamnant this is true. I know without a doubt it is not because of certain changes between the stories she told me compared to what she told my aunt(her sister). This accusation would ruin this person's life and possibly mine if this "rumor" was to get out! I'm really at a loss in what to do. She has been getting really hard to deal with lately during a simple conversation and she gets really aggitated. I cant bring myself to even visit her because I usually leave upset. Advice???
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For last 6monthsMy Dad has been in a care home.Settled quickly then it all changed about3 months ago. Tells lies all the time. Wants to go home. Has tried saying carers not good. Costs too much. Even said the manager said he's changing rules and he's to leave. Now his time is finished in care and he's going home. No discussion. Sitting with bin bag packed all the time now. Asking for money for bus fares and house keys. Says if I don't help move his stuff I will go in one day and he will be away. Also says dead relatives visit and he's been outside. All lies. What do you all do to cope with this.
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A lady I take care of believes things happen recently and I know they haven't. We had one today. A Home Care company came today to evaluate her. She believes someone came a week ago and I know no one did. My patient curses me out, and screams.
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Oh Margaret67, I am so sorry about your mother's behavior. Can you imagine being fearful of a shower and having to physically fight with your adult child over it? She must be in a world of pain. She deserves a different environment, so at least she has a chance to interact normally with her daughter when she visits.

And you ... oh my goodness! What a terrible situation you are living in. None of this is your fault. You've done your best for Mom for many years. Through No Fault of your own, your best is not sufficient to overcome the damage in her brain. It is time to turn her care over to professionals.

My mother was a real sweetheart, even after she developed dementia, BUT she resisted and fought taking a shower or using a walk-in tub. She lived with my sister for 14 months. Her mobility issues became worse and Sis was no longer able to care for her in her home. Sis tearfully announced that and the 3 of us sisters immediately went into gear to find a suitable placement. None of us blamed her at all. We were so grateful that Mom had this transition period after leaving her apartment. In less than a month Mom was moved into a nursing home very near one of us.

The first week a couple of us were visiting when an aide came in with a robe and towel and said, "This is a day when you get a shower. You don't have to get out of your wheelchair, I'll bring you down there." My sister and I braced ourselves. And Mom said, "Oh. OK" and off they went. She was in the nh two and half years and she never once argued about a shower. And our stay-at-home, shy-around-strangers mom participated in every activity they offered! She had never done crafts in her life, and here she was proudly telling us she made the construction-paper daffodil on her door.

I am just trying to encourage you not to despair or expect the worse now that your mother needs a different level of care. It is possible she will even relax a bit and start to enjoy herself. No guarantee, of course, but I can testify that it can happen!

The absolute best case scenario is that your sisters work with you to come up with a solution. It will be so much easier on EVERYONE if you plan and act as a team. You all want the best for Mother, and it is not possible for her to have that in the present situation. No one's fault, no blame. Just let's move on to the next part of this journey.

Keep us posted here. We care!
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Margaret,
It sounds like your mom is ready for memory care. I hate to say, things will only get worse from this point. Been there, done that.

When a confused (demented) person becomes too much to handle, (mentally OR physically), it's time to move them into an environment that can better help with their needs.

I, too, had to physically remove my mother's clothes and force her in the shower and to clean up on the toilet. Also, because she would take off her clothes and urinate on the floor, we had to tape her pijamas together, even though one of us slept in her room all night. She'd pick at the tape all night then be naked in bed and urinate there too. I just couldn't take the screaming at the top of her lungs at 2am when I had to get another diaper on. I was worried we'd be evicted! Not to mention what it was doing to my psyche.
I became someone I didn't want to be. I was resentful, angry and frustrated just about all day. I couldn't be her daughter, I had to be a caregiver of a mini-monster.

It sounds like your mom has come to the point where she no longer can receive care in your private home.

I would talk to your siblings and tell them, because of these things and how it affects you, that you can no longer keep your mother. Take videos on your phone so you have proof, if they would question you.

Also, what impact is this having on your children? Are they traumatized by her behavior?

Check out Social Services to see if she would qualify for any services (like memory care or nursing home). She will have to qualify financially. She can't make too much on Social Security (around $1300./month I think) or have more than $2000. in the bank.

Most caregivers can't keep living with anger and lies. Some caregivers may be "superhuman" and turn off any human feelings. But I don't know of too many of them. It's only normal to be offended by her accusations. Too many offenses for too long can wear on us, it becomes the straw that broke the camel's back.

Good luck.
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My mother is very abusive and says the most hateful, false things about me, her caregiver. She tells my siblings that I leave her home alone ALL THE TIME and that she is not part of my life or my daughters’ lives. My mother lives with me in my home and 2 of my daughters live there also. I took her in many years ago because she couldn’t live independently any longer. A week ago my sister had stopped by to visit while I was out and my mother started pleading with her and one of my other sisters who lives across the country, who my sister had called on the phone, to get her out of my house as fast as possible because she couldn’t stand living with me because she was so lonely! The truth is I hire in-home caregivers for her most of the time if I go out or I take her 5 days a week to adult daycare. My mother tells terrible lies about them also such as they don’t feed her any meals and they told her there isn’t any food for them to give her! Also my mother refuses to change her diapers or let me do it and I have to hold her down to get that chore done while she yells and screams for the police. She won’t bathe without a huge fight either. She even asked me to assist her in her own suicide so she won’t have to change her clothes! And this is a small part of the nightmare.
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My mother lies constantly.
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My MIL makes up stories and sometimes they could get people in trouble if someone didn't know she was making them up. She lives in an rv park , swears the landlord comes into her trailer and snoops ,steels and breaks her things. not true of course. I spend 7-8 hours a day at her trailer with her so believe me I get an ear full. Some one on this forum suggested showing them pictures of older times when they start wanting to go home. I tried that but it made it worse because it really kept it on her mind. I try to keep photos away from her now.
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My mom has been very demanding and controlling all my life not kind most of the time. To any of us she divorced me and my brother dad when we were very young babies. Then remarried a coworker for 13 years till he said I love you but can't live with you!! None of use could very unpleaseing women. Here I am 52 with a mother 77 with deiabeic and dementia. Very mean to me not thankful for anything for water etc. The doctor will not put her in a home she is fine were she is . Please pray for me.
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BlackHole,
Because my mom and I didn't have very many good memories, that won't be a source of comfort to me when she passes. And I certainly won't want to remember these times with all the confusion, incontinence and physical/mental decline.
So I'm going to focus on her relief of this hideous disease. She will be in a better place (we believe it will be Heaven) where there is no suffering. I'll picture her there.

I hope I die before I loose my brain.
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"I wish I could see one good thing about this situation rather than focusing on her decline."

So true. I'm not good at being succinct and my "one thing" is usually 6 things, but this quote from SueC1957 is My One Truth.

Mom passed 2 years ago, and I still ruminate on the deterioration and hopelessness. And flashing back to one-after-another baffling thing that Mom did or said that I brushed off as "just" Mom's weirdness or self-centeredness, but was actually a dementia symptom.

These new-old memories are driving me crazy.

Reminiscing about better times doesn't help much. Because better times were so long ago, those memories make me feel sadder somehow.
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It first starts with dementia which a person is not able to remember or think clearly. Alzheimer's comes along it affects the functioning of the brain. I took care of my mother for 9 to 10 years at home it wasn't easy but I saw the changes. The only difference to me was that dementia with medicine the person was able to function better until the brain gives in to Alzheimer's n that's a whole new field. All I can say is that it is a sickness that the person don't understand. I was my mother caregiver n it hurt n I will also get mad😤! I did not know what I was dealing with. Once I read on it n spoke with doctors i understood it more. It hurt me to know that before time my mother will get worst. All I can say is to love her n do the best for her😍! My mother even though she had that awful disease she was good🤗!My name is Ana please feel free to leave a message. I will get back with u. May God Bless U!
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It is called "Confabulation".
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My story is rather long, but I will try to be as brief as possible. I had a situation with my 89 year old mother who came to live with me for 2 1/2 years. She relocated from her home state to stay with me at her doctor's request. She had allowed herself to become horribly thin, she weighed about 90 lbs, and had fallen a few times when she tried to live alone. She has broken both hips as a result of these falls and never ate properly. Anyway, I brought her home and made arrangements for new doctors and took her to all of her appointments. She also asked me to sell her home so she would not have to deal with that. She willing gave me power of attorney to take care of everything for her. As mom stayed with me, she started gaining weight and was 120 plus pounds the last time I saw her and her blood work had excellent results. Her doctors were glad to see how much she had improved. She was so much healthier. My biggest concern was her loneliness because I worked fulltime. So I decided to have caregivers come in to my home and help to care for my mom and to keep her company while I was at work. However, because of her own "reality" she was living in, she convinced the caregiver that I was mistreating her. The caregiver got my mother out into a retirement home to live by herself, which she wasn't supposed to do. Then the caregiver called adult protective services on me. My mother let me know in no uncertain terms that she did not want me around any more. She had a new friend in the caregiver. I have yet to see anyone from adult protective services, but I do miss my mother and pray for her. I have stayed away since that is what she wants. I had a friend who went to visit her and saw how badly her health has gone down. In fact, we found out that mom has quit taking any of her medications now. We just wonder if we will ever know when she finally passes. Part of the problem is my siblings don't trust her either now and don't want the hassle of going through what my mom put me through with her lies. Granted we know it's the disease, but we just don't want to be involved in her life any more. The caregiver has taken over. My point is these "lies" or whatever you want to call them can have a detrimental impact on the family and it's heart breaking to see the family split apart.
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This was a very interesting and helpful thread......Thanx to all of you for posting...
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All of these stories are so like my husband. I will add something that he does. My husband is 73. We can be watching a TV show and he some how inserts himself into the story. He also says he's met famous people that I know to be untrue. He once said he met Johnny Cash and that he played with him in his band. Not true of course. I have learned to just go along with his stories. He still lives at home with me but it's getting harder. I have to dress him, bathe him , do practically every thing for him. For now I am glad to have him home still. I know the day will come when I can't handle it any more. He also as one person mentioned says that I never told him about an appointment when clearly I did. I'm always trying to get him to brush his teeth and take a shower. He never wants to so he just says I already did that. When I say no you didn't he says are you calling me a liar? ? The situations go on and on. It's nice to have some where to vent.
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Is your mom still with us? How did you finally manage her stories?
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DDDuck,
I can sympathize with you. I didn't have a good relationship with my mother either. I always felt like I was in the way. Please don't misunderstand, I had everything I needed, (food, clothes, good education, money to spend) but I did not feel loving feelings from my mother. I know part of that is her upbringing in a very stern Sweedish family, (can't crack a smile or you'll break your face!) but the other part was that, to her, all women were "competition ". (She had "daddy" attention issues.) And since I'm an outgoing, self assured female, I'm sure she resented me. She would always be critical of my hair, weight, grades, etc., any way she could put me down. (I often wonder what my life would have been like if I'd been a boy!)
I was so used to this treatment, I honestly didn't recognize it until she developed Alzheimer's and started being NICE to me. (She has me confused with her sister, who I was named after.) Now she speaks to me so sweetly and compliments me on my hair and what I'm wearing. What a turn around!
She tells me she doesn't like her daughter (and I believe she never had and doesn't now) but she doesn't recognize that the "sister" she thinks she's talking to IS her daughter. I just play along.
Even though we weren't buddies, it sure would be nice to converse normally. Our discussions are;
1. "Someone put "itching powder" in my clothes."
I've had the nurse check for side effects of the medications she takes, I also changed bath soap and cream.
2. "How old am I?" "You're 94"......Fifteen seconds later, same question, and on and on.
Then we go back to Question 1 and repeat the process. Aaahhhh!
My husband usually falls asleep during our visits but occasionally will bring along fingernail polish so he can paint her nails to stay awake.

I wish I could see one good thing about this situation rather than focusing on her decline. (Like the fact that she uses diapers all the time now for tinkle issues. Also, her gait is getting more and more unsteady and she's been falling. It's like you're waiting for the roof to cave in. What's the next ability she'll loose?
Endurance through prayer has been helpful (I believe it was Paul talking about finishing the race set out for us.) I've got my tennies on but I'm stuck in the mud.
I guess I also mourn for a relationship that could have been, but wasn't. :(
Oh well, there's a reason for all of this. Darned if I know what it is.
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SueC I started to reply to post yesterday. Its so sad to watch our loved one deteriorate in any sense. Realizing my sistuation with my mother is quite different to some members and similar to others, I can only share what my experience is and respect that of others.

Hateful accusations has been a way of life for me. I realize now that its the same as when I was a child. Just about everything. I think the reason for so much animosity and hatred directed towards me was the fact that somehow I saw through her sharade and saw her mental illness.
Up to today she could get an oscar for pretense. That is slowly breaking down. But now she will laugh when I say ma dont touch this sponge. My day in her kitchen is ducking things when I open a cabinet and looking for an item I bought or left somewhere. Nothing stays the same and its like asking who is on third to ask where she put anything. That really gets me because its been like this all my life. My mother does anything that her sick mind says right or wrong, there are no boundaries, and she been getting away with it all her life, no one corrects her. And then come miss little me seeing it all first hand helpless and still helpless.
I used to play deaf with her because I just got plain tired of her harrassement. Was real good too. she took me to the doc he say its nothing wrong with my hearing. Well I use that same defense mechnism today I am sorry to say. I just try not to act like I am not listening. I cant keep doing it to myself. I have this thing that I get engaged start to believe ask a question which is a no-no and then its on. Sometimes I think I have swtiched from tears to something else that I keep inside but I know it hurts.

So I can imagine the pain if you had a good relationship which included good real talks. I never had that, and sad to say never will. Sometimes I latch onto a shared laugh which may not be a united thought. Or I just keep trying to please her even though its neither her nor ther. Like tomarrow morning when I get off I plan to make us a nice breakfast. Now when I was leaving she was setting me up to throw away some glass that she broke and placed in a bag. The last time she did that the bag broke I didnt check it and had to sweep up broken glass. So I got a flash of that and just took the bag and forgot about plan to ask her about what she wanted for breakfast. Thats the way it is with us. I take what I can get , try and make the most of it, when I can take anymore I tuck in my tail and keep my distance as much as I can. Through side eye I see she eating. Try not to look at the other crazy I have to clean up later.
I love my lil monster, I just really dont like her sometimes, probably the majority of my life.
Like someone posted to me to just find the humor in the stories and the phanthoms and all. So sometimes I do when I can. I dont know but I feel like I am one of those monkeys Jesse talked about. WAit for ittttt.... you know you get used the hurt the shock the pain the drop in your heart.....
Let me add I cant listen to most of the stuff because its spoken in tones and undertones that were used to shame or wrap me in some sordid tale against her. I know the singsong, the tempo all of it. even the many ways she call my name. ughh. So sometimes I truly have to block her stories.....and I get trully baffeled when my sister or nephew try to look at me funny behind one of them. Which is why I find them dangerous in a family that is already torn apart .
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I'd settle for any conversation, even fantastic stories would be better than silence.
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I'm hungry for normal conversation, too. Lately any conversation starts out with one thing and ends up in a trip back to her childhood. I think it is because she remembers this best. I don't try to talk a lot to my mother because I have to yell. She's hard of hearing and the TV is always set to 70 here. It is stressful to me to be around her for too long. I remind myself of the mice being held on the electric grid and shocked -- you know those psychology clips they show. The mice scamper to avoid the shock, but after a while they are defeated and just sit and wait. Poor mice.
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It feels like forever since I had a normal conversation with my mother. It's actually only been about 4 years since the disease took over and she lost the ability to remember and became confused. The stories she comes up with are real only to her. How frustrating it must be to have everyone tell you that what you remember is not how it was. You've got to hand it to them, they will ferociously stick to their version, as if their reputation was at stake.
I used to try to "set her straight" by forcing the point but realized, after exhausting myself (to no avail), that there is no straightening out dementia. The sad part is that she will never return to a normal conversation but only get worse.
It's good to become informed (like on this board) as to what to expect and how to handle it, also for the support that others give you.
Family members dealing with loved ones' memory issues have different ways to handle/react to the confusion and each has to find coping mechanisms. It's a learning process. How frustrating it is when the made up stories (sometimes very hateful accusations) are mentioned multiple times a day (or hour). It's truly a test of endurance for the family.

I want to forget our visits as soon as they're over because it's too painful to see that there's not much of her left. I'm depressed for hours afterward. There is no making sense of why this has to happen. I tell friends that I'm going to ask God, when I get to Heaven, why this took place. Maybe, once I'm there, the answer won't matter.
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