After the 5th violent night in a week, I had my dad taken to the hospital via paramedics again this morning. He was up all night, cussing, yelling, slamming fists, threatening me and saying the most God awful things about me, my son and my deceased mother. I know it's not him, it's the illness. But I cannot take one more night of having a knot in my stomach, worrying if he's going to waken and if he does, the type mood he will be in. Last night he attempted to hit me, grabbed my nightgown and ripped it(deliberately), threw food on the kitchen floor etc. I'd thought that I could see him through these "episodes". That perhaps they were few and far between. But I can tell they are worse, more often and last longer. I am a nervous wreck(on top of caring for him in general by myself for the last 2 1/2 years). The last two times he was in the hospital, the doctors "eluded" to the possibility of him going to a home on release. I felt I could handle it. I cannot. And what's more, at this point I don't "want" to. I love my dad, but being around him all the time with the way he has become, causes me to feel hatred sometimes. Then I feel guilty for that. Anyway, already spoke to the doctor at the ER--they are admitting him and have already verified with me that it, indeed, would be best to look at residential care when he leaves. I do have to say that they are very nice and helpful about it.. It seems to me as if they know how hard it is to make that decision and they do their best to "guide" you if they feel you're having trouble coming to that conclusion. I am grateful for that, because it makes me not feel as bad, as though they understand. So, this is the new part of the journey. I feel sad, regret and yet, at the same time, a little bit of hope and empowerment. I will let you all know what happens.