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My mom died on December 24, 2011. My dad was left and he was showing signs of dementia a couple of years before she died. Now that my mom died, my dad doesn't have anyone to "tell him what to do". That's the way he puts it. Up until a couple of weeks ago he was living in him home alone. I visited every day. I would clean his house as best as I could, but it's old and they didn't take care of the house for years. My mom was pretty much wheel chair bound.

Its not like I didn't want to help the both of them, but when I would do things to help them out, my dad would get mad. I always felt like I could be doing something even when my mom was alive, but she wanted to keep the peace, so I didn't really do anything much, unless I was asked.

So two weeks ago, I noticed my dad couldn't move his head, like his neck was sore. He also had a big raw place on his forehead. So I told him we need to get him to the doctor. Keep in mind, he wouldn't take any medications prescribed since my mom died or who knows how long. I took off work and told him I was going to take him and he told me to butt out of his business and that I was too nosey. My dad still drove and that was scary because he would go places and not remember where he would go. I know he was going places and spending money he shouldn't because I do his bills online. (I am the power of attorney). He would go to the pawn shop and spend money on lawn mowers and vacuums. At one point he had over 15 vacuums and right now he has 6 lawn mowers. He also has a John Deere tractor. So why buy all those mowers? He urinates on his pants and its obvious with the smell. He would frequent a local diner and the waitress recently pulled me off to the side and told me they were having to clean the seat up after he left.

I would have to tell my dad to change his clothes because he smelled like urine and he would deny going on himself. Family members would call him and he wouldn't remember and would say they don't care about him. He was burning pots on the stove, I could see the pots, they would get unusable. He would leave garbage everywhere and the garbage can smelled spoiled.

Anyways, the day I told him I was going to take him to the doctor and he told me no and to get out of his house, I told him I was going to call social services. I did and they said I should go to the courthouse and do a Baker Act on him. I did and the police came that very night and determined he needed to go to the hospital. He was extremely angry at me and called when the police were there. I didn't want to be there for that.

So he was in the hospital for a week and they treated him for several things, including he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was benign and wasn't causing any of this behavior. He constantly tried to escape the hospital. The psych doctor told me that he didn't need to be living alone and needed in a nursing home. As well as the other doctors.

So the time finally came when the social worker arranged for him to go to a nursing home. He is on Medicare and Humana, so it only covers him for seven says in the home. He was livid at me once again for taking him to a nursing home. All I hear from him is "TAKE ME HOME!" and when I repeat to him why I can't he gets mad and tells me to leave and don't come back. He has also called me from the nursing home asking me to get him out of there. When I don't comply he hangs up on me.

The doctor at the home says that they are going to give him an occupancy therapy test to officially determine whether he should or shouldn't go home. I can't see him living by himself. It would be the same thing over again. On top of all that the insurance runs out this coming Thursday. I or he cannot afford the $50 a day co-pay. So the nursing home and I are going to apply for Medicaid. I just hope it all goes right. Because if he goes home he won't allow any home care. He has already declared that no one is coming in to help him.

This is the worst thing I have ever had to go through. There doesn't seem to be a real solution. Its mentally and emotionally trying. For anyone that will read this post I appreciate your input. It just helps to talk about this situation, even on this website.

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Wow! I have to almost laugh at how close our experiences are!! I had to check to make sure I hadn't written your story myself! My dad sounds just like yours---my mom died two years ago and he was already starting with dementia and falling. The house is a wreck and dirty and so is he but gets furious when you try to clean the house or him. Anyway I struggled with caring for him by myself on a daily basis---i had to provide his meals, pay his bills, steal his clothes to wash them and fight to at least do the bare minimum of cleaning. Things just deteriorated over the 2 years until I was finding him on the floor from falls on a daily basis. I finally called 911 even though he was enraged and he was admitted into the hospital---he actually had two small fractures in his neck along with a list of other medical problems and dementia. He was a horrible patient---ripping out his IVs and cathether and constantly struggling to get out of bed to "go home" even though he can no longer walk more than a few steps. He is currently in a nursing home for short term physical therapy. My two top choices of nursing homes would not take him because of his behavior at the hospital. His nursing home is very clean and he is finally very clean. The food is nutritious and plentiful and he is safe. He is hating it right now but I will be looking into long term placement there for him. His dementia is bad and he can no longer make reasonable decisions regarding his safety. It was a full time 7 day per week job for me trying to care for him---he needs 24 hour male assistance because of his size and we cannot arrange for that at home. This is not how I ever planned or imagined things would wind up but I have no other options. Good luck to you!!!
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Thanks so much: Jam Give a Hug. That helps a lot. It really does.
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Upagainst.....you are right in the same situation as my husband and I. Since January my mil calls at least once a day, sometimes more, demanding to be brought home. She fell last November and complained constantly of hip pain...all xrays negative...and since then won't get out of her wheelchair, so we now have an excuse as to why it wouldn't be feasible for her to come home. When we had her little house built, we made sure to put in 36" doors to accommodate a wheelchair, but as we both have medical issues we can't lift her. Explanation aside, we tell her each time that as long as she is confined to the chair she won't be able to be in her home. Her dementia keeps her from remembering the conversation....I have become convinced that her demanding to come home is not really a heartfelt wish, it is just where the dementia takes her mind. I also believe in using "fiblets" and I truly feel when we have our loved one's best interests in mind, that God forgives us the use of those....:) You will never know what your Dad is feeling toward you now until you go to see him. It may be that he will be glad and you can start to see him on a regular basis. He may still be mad at you and tell you to leave....if that happens, just tell him you love him and leave and try again in a week or so. Remember with dementia, the short-term memory is not strong, depending on what stage they are in and they forget so easily, even when they are extremely mad at us. My mil would get mad at me and call me all kinds of names.....10 min later she would tell me how good I am to her and how I take such good care of her. Dementia is not only hard on the sufferer, it takes it's toll on the care giver also. I encourage you to go see Dad and I'm sending hugs and hope for a wonderful visit. Please let me know how things go!
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I just wanted to thank everyone for their response. This all helped me so much. My dad is not a veteran by the way. Since the day I drove him to the nursing home and he told me to leave, I haven't been back. I want to. That is my next question for advice here. What do I say to my dad when I know that he will ask me to take him home. He forgets, that is true, but like the person said there will still be lucid moments, I know that he will look at me and associate me with his ride home and demand me to take him there. I am afraid that when I go see him (which I want to do) that this will happen over and over. I am embarrassed to say that is the reason I haven't been back. I feel like such a chicken. I have been calling the nurses, going to his house and even got the Medicaid process started. (man, that is a lot of paperwork!) Everything is in place for him to stay permanently. My daughter goes to see him almost every day, thank God, but I feel an empty void by not going, yet I don't want to be cursed out either. Any advice? Like what should I tell him when he says "Take me home!" or "Why aren't you taking me home?"

Again, thank you for all your stories and shared experiences. I really do feel the love and I can't say I have ever felt that on any other websites like on here. I reckon we will all be over our situations someday and look back. I at least hope to have learned something valuable by then.
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Prayers going out to you! This road is never easy, and it sure seems tougher the more you try to do. Would you try and think of your dad as a little boy, who deserves love, a roof over his head, being warm, clean dry clothes to wear and enough food in his belly. If you can look at him this way, then the only place that will fill those needs is a nursing home.

Everyone one of us love our parents, but we can only do as much as we can. Having said that, you will sleep better knowing he is being well taken care of, is safe and off the road, and getting all the medical attention he needs.

Please continue to visit him everyday. He will have many days of anger, and outbursts but hang in there and keep those visits happening. There will also be days of love, sharing of memories, and hopefully clear thinking that will have made all of this worthwhile.

Is your dad a veteran by any chance? That opens different doors toward care and may be even a extra monies. There is never any shame in applying and receiving state insurance to pay for anything for an elder. Most seniors behavior is different when the family is not around, so believe these special people who tend to your dad when they say he is the kindest man in the world. They only work with him, and are not vested in the love that families share and play off of. Remember he did his best to see to your needs as a child, and as an adult, you are doing the best to see to his needs as a senior.
HUGS
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This situation is heartwrenching and I sincerely empathize with you. Death, seperation, illness and the decline in your father's intellectual functioning is overwhelming. Dementia, changes intellectual functioning and behavior. When parents become angry and combative and this anger is directed at you it is crushing to the soul.

We have both intellectual and emotional responses that often are incompatible. Your love for your father resulted in making and implementing actions that are appropriate for the situation. Knowing that you did the right thing may not ease the
emotional pain at this point but may in the future.

It is evident that your Dad needs professional care, overtime his anger may disapate as the dementia may be better managed with medical intervention.
As for funding, if assets are limited applying for medicade is appropriate.
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I currently stuggle with my mom with dementia. I had a hell of a week on my own. I have come to realize that the past six days she has adapted to the Behaverial Center in our town. So I know I can feel good that despite her stubborn attitude to do it all on her own, she can't and hopefully with my brother and I can come to an agreement we can get her the care she needs. We are both in two different states and wanting her with each of us. This is not possible. Prayers are needed for us to get thru this diganosis and to get help. Florida laws for elderly are tough. There is not poa or guardianship my mom refuses both. We are struggling in South Floria and wish you good guidence in your journey because going against a parent is tough. Think of what is best for your father.
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UpAgainst1Wall bless your heart, I know that this is hard upsetting and down right impossible situation! Please know that you cannot beat yourself up, YOU can only do what you can do. It sounds to me that Dad needs to be where he can recieve care and treatment. Please take care of you and know that you are NOT alone others care and understand. Please take care
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Upagainst......keep in mind that with the dementia patient they can have perfectly lucid moments and may pass the test given to him with flying colors. Also keep in mind that you are POA......does that include medical as well as financial? Most state that you will make the decision for any medical care if the "patient" is unable. If your Dad has the official diagnosis of dementia, then any tests that a doctor may give him concerning his placement may be overridden when it comes to his care. Even though it may break your heart to see Dad unhappy and/or mad at you, you will still need to take a temporary step back in order to do what's best for Dad.
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Upagainst.......hugs to you! Feels like you are torn between a good cry and beating your head against the wall doesn't it? Unfortunately you are in one of those situations where you know something needs to be done and Dad is not in a mental state to understand that you love him and are doing this because of that love. My husband and I were in the same situation 3 years ago....his mother had no business being alone anymore, the mice had taken over her house, she was incontinent of urine to the point that she ruined the carpet in her house. We found out from bruising that she had fallen and only by God's grace was her neck not broken. We made the decision she would move and yes, there was screaming, arguing, tears and downright stubborness....we built her a house onto our house and she was able to stay there only a year before her care became too much and she went to a NH last Oct. It's hard to do, but you must take a step back and look at this from what is in your Dad's best interest. Dementia will prevent him from making proper choices because in reality none of us want to leave the place where we have found our comfort for years. It would help to involve Dad in activities, help him to meet others and make new friends. He isn't always going to be happy and the one thing to remember about dementia, is the thought process is changing all the time and he won't remember things for long. Also, if needed his doctor can prescribe meds to help him through the rough adjustment period. We have had to do that for my mil......for the past 4 mo what was a lovely place for her and she enjoyed so much has become a place that has her incarcerated, in her words. It's difficult to watch our loved ones deteriorate but there is nothing we can do except make sure they are in a safe environment, love them and let them know how important they are. Sending hugs and good wishes!
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I know its such a worry and we take it onboard so easily. Although my situation is not the same as yours, I still carry guilt that I feel I should be doing more, even though i know its beyond me. We tend to do that....burden ourselves with a heap of guilt regardless of whether we've been asked to help or shunned for it. If we want to help our parents because we love & care about them. Sometimes though, like yourself, it ends in continually beating ones head against a brick wall and gaining nothing but frustration. All you can do is be in the background of events, silently monitering your dad's progress....wherever that may take him. Liasing quietly behind his back with those working towards his long-term care.
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Hun..I know its incredibly painful for you. My mother died also this past January, and where my father is still in great health, my mother did everything. Paid the bills, set up the budget, grocery shopped, etc. Now, my sister in law and I pay jhis bills, clean, do laundry, etc. I can onl;y imagine how difficult this is for you and by your words, you sound like the best daughter a father could have. Just think where he would be if he didnt have you. Good luck hun..I will say a prayer for you and your father daily.
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I wish I had some answers for you, but I don't. It' not that there AREN'T good suggestions out there...it's just I don't have any that feel useful. It is awful, that is the fact. And you are doing everything in your power to help. The rub is that you can't change your Dad. He will end up involuntarily committed somewhere, somehow. So I guess I am writing to say hang in there. For every comment your read here my best is that hundreds more see and don't comment, but send support anyway.

You are a GOOD DAUGHTER and you are doing everything you can. You really are. Sending love....
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God bless you, I hope you get alot of responses. You need to talk and my mother is no where near this situation but I can see it coming. There are alot of people out there who ARE going through this. I hope they take notice. Hugs
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