Now that my mom died, my dad doesn't have anyone to "tell him what to do." This seems like an impossible situation.

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My mom died on December 24, 2011. My dad was left and he was showing signs of dementia a couple of years before she died. Now that my mom died, my dad doesn't have anyone to "tell him what to do". That's the way he puts it. Up until a couple of weeks ago he was living in him home alone. I visited every day. I would clean his house as best as I could, but it's old and they didn't take care of the house for years. My mom was pretty much wheel chair bound.

Its not like I didn't want to help the both of them, but when I would do things to help them out, my dad would get mad. I always felt like I could be doing something even when my mom was alive, but she wanted to keep the peace, so I didn't really do anything much, unless I was asked.

So two weeks ago, I noticed my dad couldn't move his head, like his neck was sore. He also had a big raw place on his forehead. So I told him we need to get him to the doctor. Keep in mind, he wouldn't take any medications prescribed since my mom died or who knows how long. I took off work and told him I was going to take him and he told me to butt out of his business and that I was too nosey. My dad still drove and that was scary because he would go places and not remember where he would go. I know he was going places and spending money he shouldn't because I do his bills online. (I am the power of attorney). He would go to the pawn shop and spend money on lawn mowers and vacuums. At one point he had over 15 vacuums and right now he has 6 lawn mowers. He also has a John Deere tractor. So why buy all those mowers? He urinates on his pants and its obvious with the smell. He would frequent a local diner and the waitress recently pulled me off to the side and told me they were having to clean the seat up after he left.

I would have to tell my dad to change his clothes because he smelled like urine and he would deny going on himself. Family members would call him and he wouldn't remember and would say they don't care about him. He was burning pots on the stove, I could see the pots, they would get unusable. He would leave garbage everywhere and the garbage can smelled spoiled.

Anyways, the day I told him I was going to take him to the doctor and he told me no and to get out of his house, I told him I was going to call social services. I did and they said I should go to the courthouse and do a Baker Act on him. I did and the police came that very night and determined he needed to go to the hospital. He was extremely angry at me and called when the police were there. I didn't want to be there for that.

So he was in the hospital for a week and they treated him for several things, including he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was benign and wasn't causing any of this behavior. He constantly tried to escape the hospital. The psych doctor told me that he didn't need to be living alone and needed in a nursing home. As well as the other doctors.

So the time finally came when the social worker arranged for him to go to a nursing home. He is on Medicare and Humana, so it only covers him for seven says in the home. He was livid at me once again for taking him to a nursing home. All I hear from him is "TAKE ME HOME!" and when I repeat to him why I can't he gets mad and tells me to leave and don't come back. He has also called me from the nursing home asking me to get him out of there. When I don't comply he hangs up on me.

The doctor at the home says that they are going to give him an occupancy therapy test to officially determine whether he should or shouldn't go home. I can't see him living by himself. It would be the same thing over again. On top of all that the insurance runs out this coming Thursday. I or he cannot afford the $50 a day co-pay. So the nursing home and I are going to apply for Medicaid. I just hope it all goes right. Because if he goes home he won't allow any home care. He has already declared that no one is coming in to help him.

This is the worst thing I have ever had to go through. There doesn't seem to be a real solution. Its mentally and emotionally trying. For anyone that will read this post I appreciate your input. It just helps to talk about this situation, even on this website.


God bless you, I hope you get alot of responses. You need to talk and my mother is no where near this situation but I can see it coming. There are alot of people out there who ARE going through this. I hope they take notice. Hugs
I wish I had some answers for you, but I don't. It' not that there AREN'T good suggestions out's just I don't have any that feel useful. It is awful, that is the fact. And you are doing everything in your power to help. The rub is that you can't change your Dad. He will end up involuntarily committed somewhere, somehow. So I guess I am writing to say hang in there. For every comment your read here my best is that hundreds more see and don't comment, but send support anyway.

You are a GOOD DAUGHTER and you are doing everything you can. You really are. Sending love....
Hun..I know its incredibly painful for you. My mother died also this past January, and where my father is still in great health, my mother did everything. Paid the bills, set up the budget, grocery shopped, etc. Now, my sister in law and I pay jhis bills, clean, do laundry, etc. I can onl;y imagine how difficult this is for you and by your words, you sound like the best daughter a father could have. Just think where he would be if he didnt have you. Good luck hun..I will say a prayer for you and your father daily.
I know its such a worry and we take it onboard so easily. Although my situation is not the same as yours, I still carry guilt that I feel I should be doing more, even though i know its beyond me. We tend to do that....burden ourselves with a heap of guilt regardless of whether we've been asked to help or shunned for it. If we want to help our parents because we love & care about them. Sometimes though, like yourself, it ends in continually beating ones head against a brick wall and gaining nothing but frustration. All you can do is be in the background of events, silently monitering your dad's progress....wherever that may take him. Liasing quietly behind his back with those working towards his long-term care.
Upagainst.......hugs to you! Feels like you are torn between a good cry and beating your head against the wall doesn't it? Unfortunately you are in one of those situations where you know something needs to be done and Dad is not in a mental state to understand that you love him and are doing this because of that love. My husband and I were in the same situation 3 years ago....his mother had no business being alone anymore, the mice had taken over her house, she was incontinent of urine to the point that she ruined the carpet in her house. We found out from bruising that she had fallen and only by God's grace was her neck not broken. We made the decision she would move and yes, there was screaming, arguing, tears and downright stubborness....we built her a house onto our house and she was able to stay there only a year before her care became too much and she went to a NH last Oct. It's hard to do, but you must take a step back and look at this from what is in your Dad's best interest. Dementia will prevent him from making proper choices because in reality none of us want to leave the place where we have found our comfort for years. It would help to involve Dad in activities, help him to meet others and make new friends. He isn't always going to be happy and the one thing to remember about dementia, is the thought process is changing all the time and he won't remember things for long. Also, if needed his doctor can prescribe meds to help him through the rough adjustment period. We have had to do that for my mil......for the past 4 mo what was a lovely place for her and she enjoyed so much has become a place that has her incarcerated, in her words. It's difficult to watch our loved ones deteriorate but there is nothing we can do except make sure they are in a safe environment, love them and let them know how important they are. Sending hugs and good wishes!
Upagainst......keep in mind that with the dementia patient they can have perfectly lucid moments and may pass the test given to him with flying colors. Also keep in mind that you are POA......does that include medical as well as financial? Most state that you will make the decision for any medical care if the "patient" is unable. If your Dad has the official diagnosis of dementia, then any tests that a doctor may give him concerning his placement may be overridden when it comes to his care. Even though it may break your heart to see Dad unhappy and/or mad at you, you will still need to take a temporary step back in order to do what's best for Dad.
UpAgainst1Wall bless your heart, I know that this is hard upsetting and down right impossible situation! Please know that you cannot beat yourself up, YOU can only do what you can do. It sounds to me that Dad needs to be where he can recieve care and treatment. Please take care of you and know that you are NOT alone others care and understand. Please take care
I currently stuggle with my mom with dementia. I had a hell of a week on my own. I have come to realize that the past six days she has adapted to the Behaverial Center in our town. So I know I can feel good that despite her stubborn attitude to do it all on her own, she can't and hopefully with my brother and I can come to an agreement we can get her the care she needs. We are both in two different states and wanting her with each of us. This is not possible. Prayers are needed for us to get thru this diganosis and to get help. Florida laws for elderly are tough. There is not poa or guardianship my mom refuses both. We are struggling in South Floria and wish you good guidence in your journey because going against a parent is tough. Think of what is best for your father.
This situation is heartwrenching and I sincerely empathize with you. Death, seperation, illness and the decline in your father's intellectual functioning is overwhelming. Dementia, changes intellectual functioning and behavior. When parents become angry and combative and this anger is directed at you it is crushing to the soul.

We have both intellectual and emotional responses that often are incompatible. Your love for your father resulted in making and implementing actions that are appropriate for the situation. Knowing that you did the right thing may not ease the
emotional pain at this point but may in the future.

It is evident that your Dad needs professional care, overtime his anger may disapate as the dementia may be better managed with medical intervention.
As for funding, if assets are limited applying for medicade is appropriate.
Prayers going out to you! This road is never easy, and it sure seems tougher the more you try to do. Would you try and think of your dad as a little boy, who deserves love, a roof over his head, being warm, clean dry clothes to wear and enough food in his belly. If you can look at him this way, then the only place that will fill those needs is a nursing home.

Everyone one of us love our parents, but we can only do as much as we can. Having said that, you will sleep better knowing he is being well taken care of, is safe and off the road, and getting all the medical attention he needs.

Please continue to visit him everyday. He will have many days of anger, and outbursts but hang in there and keep those visits happening. There will also be days of love, sharing of memories, and hopefully clear thinking that will have made all of this worthwhile.

Is your dad a veteran by any chance? That opens different doors toward care and may be even a extra monies. There is never any shame in applying and receiving state insurance to pay for anything for an elder. Most seniors behavior is different when the family is not around, so believe these special people who tend to your dad when they say he is the kindest man in the world. They only work with him, and are not vested in the love that families share and play off of. Remember he did his best to see to your needs as a child, and as an adult, you are doing the best to see to his needs as a senior.

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