So glad I found this site... makes me feel quite so not alone.

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I'm an only child, my dad passed in 2004 and I moved my 91-year-old mom in last January. She was SUCH an independent woman... she lived in her own home and even stoked her coal stove twice/day. Then she spent 3 months in hospitals/rehab and now she just treats me like I'm her waitress/nursemaid/slave.

She has turned LAZY!! And I realize that at 91, that's her absolute right. But I want my life back... and I really didn't even have much of a life! But I want to be able to visit MY daughters and grand-kids without making it such a complex production. I want to be able to get a job outside the home. I want to be able to run 3 blocks to the corner store or just walk my dog without having to check in. I DON'T want to be treated like I was when I was 15, which I am being treated like.

I will NEVER impose this on my children. Put me in a home and come visit me on holidays. .I'll be good.


And I'm only 55. I had big plans pre-mom to relocate and kickstart these years of my life. Now I'm just stuck and lonely and depressed. .
Can your mother get around or is she bedridden? Is there any family nearby that are willing to help (was she an only child, too?) I'm learning that when our loved ones experience such a big change and lose their independence, they often don't think about what we are going through.
We are glad you found this sight too... it's a vast storehouse of love, support, encourgement, suggestions,,, even laughter... you'll even find a recipe now and again.....I could not do what I do without most of the folks on this sight..... so hope you come back and let us know how things are.... we'll even make some suggestions that you can possibly use to make your life a little more free... so hugs, angels and all caregivers need chocolate....
Perhaps you can rethink the way things are presently being done for your Mom. Can she be safely left alone? For how long? Are your children in the area to visit? What about members of a group you may worship with? You may have to push back a bit. Give her some of the chores. Can she fold laundry for you? Cut coupons from the newspaper flyers? Pinch back the house plants?

Truly she may be needing attention b/c she isn't sure of what her role is. My Mom is in an AL. The big thing I notice is ROUTINE. Meals are served at the same time, Residents are encouraged to participate in the activities planned by the activity team. But you can mirror some of them in your home. If you are baking/cooking can she measure some of the easier ingredients? Now You are getting something done and she is part of it. Ditto on the laundry folding -- towels, t-shirts, etc. Play some of her type of music and give her a magazine. I watch the folks at my Mom's place go thru the magazine and I know they surely aren't reading it. (It's a memory care unit). But the residents love looking at the colorful photos and fashions. (BTW my Doctor is happy to give me his old waiting room magazines for the group! ) It also sounds like it is time to seek out a seniors group -- church or town), a 'day care' place, or whatever. Position your requests so she can be 'a help'. Can she occasionally come with you on an errand. It would be a big outing (and take longer I understand) but taking my hubby's 101 year old aunt to the grocery store twice a year (yes -- year) was the biggest thrill for her. When she was younger, 97 (LOL) I would leave her in the produce section while I got the other items. She thought she was in heaven!

Hope this helps,
Geewiz has great ideas. Along those lines, I asked my Mom to unload the dishwasher, a chore I don't like. She feels she is helping. Due to her stroke, she can't fold laundry or help with cooking. We also go to the grocery store together once or twice a week since she buys some of her food. She puts her things in the front of the cart, I use the main basket. I try to let her pick out her items. And always let her unload her stuff. She had commented that my sister never let her do those things when she was staying with her.

It is hard not to do everything for my mom due to her disabilities (mostly the vision) but I am so grateful she can wash and groom and dress herself. But I try to remind myself to let her do as much as she can.
Donna, I know what you mean. My mother is probably one of the laziest people on earth. There is a difference between mine and yours, though. Mine has always been lazy. It's hard on me because I am neat and orderly. When I would be cleaning, I would feel like a slave while she was sitting in front of the TV. Grr. I finally decided the house really didn't need to be so clean. And the messes she made didn't have to be picked up right away. I am still having mental difficulties dealing with the disorganized way she lives. The other night it got a little easier when I took personality tests for her and me. I found we were the odd couple. She was Oscar and I was Felix. Of course, she drives me crazy. I probably drive her crazy right back.

There are a few things that I do to preserve sanity. When she leaves a load of clothes in the dryer, I bring them in and say, "I brought your clothes in to fold." I also tell her that she needs to straighten her room before the rats and bugs decide it is a great place to live. No, we don't have rats and bugs, but she gets the idea.

It isn't easy living with me. :)
Hello Donna S! I totally agree with you . I will not impose this on my children. I agreed to stay with my mil while my husband went to the hospital with his dad, 2 1/2 yrs ago, and we are STILL living at her house! His dad died and I've felt stuck here ever since! Because his mom is almost blind, hardof hearing, paranoid skitzophrenic, OCD & 96 yrs old. She has psycotic episodes if we push her to any change in her life. Blahhh! I too am so tired of being treated like a fifteen yr old. Like being on curfew every time i leave the house.Being told to do the most obvious things as I'm already doing them!! She is not a lazy person but used to be extreemly busy & organized so now she wants to just order me around to do it all, instead of her! Sometimes I wish she was lazy...When I get old I want to be like my friend in a senior living place. She went behind her kids backs and put herself on a waiting list to get in ! That way she chose where she would go, She also chose who gets all of her stuff and went through it all herself! She's happy. A few dizzy spells made her afraid of staying alone, but she didn't want to burden her kids. I want to be likeher when I grow up! Except that I want a place with a starbucks and wifi! I'm comforted to hear your story and all the familiar feelings. I had planned on being a big help to my grandchildren during this time too. I hate being locked into every outing scheduled around her eating schedule! Someday we can actually get a whole night away! hmmm...maybe later...Blessings to you , friend

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