Today Mom accused me of trying to commit her...

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As her primary caregiver, I take her to all appts, make appts, phone calls, etc..haven't seen her physically since Monday (getting over Shingles)..today she accused me of trying to commit her and accused me of going into her room when she's not there and rummage through her drawers..'what do you want from me',you already have everything of mine, already" This is what I was met with today...I was so flabbergasted, I tried to explain I don't go there when she's not there and I don't take her things... I had to leave ...I don't know what to do...I ws thinking of contacting the doctor to let him know what's happening..I've notified him before of her accusations and nasty behavior but all he did was up her medication...no diagnosis as to what could possible be wrong...My brother did visit yesterday after 6 months..they talk on the phone maybe every 2-3 weeks and that's it...me, I'm there constantly, if needed and she calls me (or did) when there's problems Is this dementia? she's 98 1/2...she's made changes to her trust when I feel she shouldn't have because of her mental state...but the lawyer apparently made the changes anyway...

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I agree--this will get worse, not better.

UNfortunately, it is entirely possible for lawyers who wish to profit from giving services to elders who cannot exactly be rational, to help a demented or Alzheimer'd elder change their estates, wills, etc. at their whims
--some help lead them into arrangements that benefit the lawyers or other relatives who stand to benefit, which the elder, when in their right minds, would Never have done.
Have seen this too many times.

There seems no good way to guard the estate set-up the elder made when in their right minds, against them changing it when they have begun to progress into dementia.
A Doctor or Psychiatrist needs to evaluate the person, to assess mental capacity. The person must be declared incapable of determining their affairs, in order for a POA to fully control the estate.

ALSO, once the elder has begun accusing a caregiver, they will make sure to loudly and at length, tell others, most easily by phone, while they still can. This greatly upsets those who live farther away, who have less personal contact with the elder.

This also can cause those others to react to those accusations, as if they really were true....so be prepared for that!

Non-involved relatives can become extremely inflamed
--they always knew this person to be very honest, right?
Even when others know an elder has a long history of being abusive, or of being very poor at running /ordering their affairs,
the others will believe the dramatized, emotionally delivered accounts of things the elder believes are happening.
Believing the elder sincere, the others will, truly meaning well in their efforts, do what they can to "protect" their elder from the "rotten no good, thieving, abusive caregiver".
They will often take steps to get the elder out and away from you.
IF you are suffering health issues of your own, this can be a blessing in disguise.
Moving the elder can also backfire, by causing the elder to become more drastically demented: elders tend to get worse when things change; some even go downhill rapidly, just by moving them from one room to another, that they are not familiar with.

I sure hope things work out well for you!
It is a tough situation.
The best thing is to detach your emotions from the circumstances.
It is difficult, because this is someone you have loved all your life, so what they say, carries much emotional weight for you.
But to keep your well-being and health, it is necessary to block those emotional triggers.
It can be helpful to get some counseling to assist that.
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This has been happening with my mom for almost 20 years, she's 90 and it comes and goes. Alwayslearning gave me a new perspective, very helpful...
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Kukla~There is something I forgot to mention to you. The people your mother has contact with, bank personnel, grocery store clerks, neighbors,ect. have probably already figured your mother has dementia. Believe me, they understand more than you may realize. The things your mother says, like with the bank clerk, I bet he didn't take it personal so you shouldn't either. Elderly people w/o dementia tend to be more blunt and we as a society cut them slack. I am not getting on your case, I only wanted to mention that we, as the adult child take it personal when no one else who has contact with your mom does because they have already figured out something is amiss with her. I know it hurts to be accused of things you did not do, especially by your mother, but you need to learn to disengage from her emotionally. I know this can be difficult to do and you can find info online about detaching with love. My sister is like you, she takes it very hard when mom accuses stealing things, but try to keep in mind that this is not your mother talking, it is the dementia. The evenings are worse with dementia patients due to sundowing. Since you have your own medical issues to deal with, can a health care aid be hired to come to your mother's home to assist her with her needs? Do you or your brother have DPOA? And, your mom's dr. will probably not do much to help because your mom is not completely legally incompetent so what mom wants to do she can do until then. This is where I am at with my mom too. Our DPOA cannot be used until mom is certified incompetent. Makes things much harder because as long as my mom refuses meds, needed help, we cannot force her without violating her rights. It sux big time especially when you know she is struggling to keep things together but is failing. There is a wonderful book by Pauline Boss entitled, "Loving someone with dementia". It is a wonderful book that explains about YOUR loss as the caregiver. You can order thru Amazon or get at your local book store. How did her attny. make changes without talking with your mother? If he/she talked personally with your mother, he/she would have seen the changes in your mother regarding dementia. No attny. who has good business ethics would have changed things just from a phone call from your brother. If you suspect illegal doings, get an elder law attorney for yourself and pursue the situation if that is what you want to do. In the meantime, your health needs to come first now and it just may come down to you letting go of your mom in order to take care of you!!! Hugs to you, I know this is difficult and painful for you♥♥♥!!
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Your Mom, who I know you love by your messages here, sounds in no way competent to have changed any part of her will or trust. My advice is to get her declared incompetent in court so that you can be appointed as her guardian. I would also contact your state bar association about the attorney who made changes in the trust and/or will. Then, contact your state's Attorney General's office and file a complaint. It may be considered fraud. Elder care services can point you in the right direction, but may not be allowed to provide legal advice. The bar association can make referrals to attorneys specializing in incompetency, wills, and trusts. What has been done is not legal, and your Mom's medical records can back it up. Do not tell your brother or absent sister what your plans to correct/solve these problems are. In other words, don't show your hand or evidence you obtain. You can make a complaint about that unscrupulous attorney through the bar association.
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These comments are incredibly helpful and also comforting. I'm watching my dad decline with each passing week. Now he hardly goes out at all, though he was the one who, until fairly recently, used to constantly want to be out and about, enjoying himself. I don't know what my Mom will do when Dad passes. She sounds as if she wants to remain independent for as long as possible but we may have to move her out of their home, which she will probably hate. Such tough decisions! Along with my dear parents, I do treasure the elderly as a group. In fact, I am just now launching a non-medical companion agency in southwest Florida. I am staffing it with the most loving and helpful people I can find.
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Thank you all for some very valid suggestions..Mom's mental state has been going downhill for about 2 years now..first it was accusing me of stealing her home from her when we actually purchased it.40 years ago..took a whole day at the courthouse to locate the papers..As of last Monday (a week ago) I took her to the doctor to check on the Shingles she's getting over..then to the bank to put stuff in the safe deposit box.she told me to make sure we see "Henry"..kept reminding me to see Henry...when we were through with the 'box' I requested Henry and when Henry showed up she said...No, I said Jorge...(I wanted to melt into the wall)..Anyway, Tuesday, Wednesday came and went I did not see her but called and spoke briefly to her..no problems (less food on her plate, things missing, etc) Called her Thursday on my way out...and the absent brother answered the phone and then she got on...I said I see you have company so I won't keep you..just wanted to let you know you have a Dr appt on Nov 1st for a flu shot..we hung up..Friday, I went to see her and was hit with "What do you want from me? You already have everything of mine..You want to have me commited, don't you?" Why were you in my room yesterday while I was out going through my drawers? I tried to explain I was not there (((I do have a key to her room so she doesn't have to prop open the door for me))) I spent the day at the mall then had lunch with my husband.. I did return the key to her hoping it would ease tensions..it did not...so I left..I might add Friday, I didn't get such good news frm my doctor so I went to Mom's with much stress/depression already.Saturday and Sunday no contact..I did contact my brother to ask what was said when he was there...She told him I was there all week putting cream on her Shingles...(I was there Monday only) of course he didn't notice anything unusual (you wouldn't when you visit every 4-6 months..)
The man at the bank called me to advise he needs to see Mom..(all have my contact information for Mom)..I then called Mom to advise her the man at the bank needs to see you..She asked me for the key I had made for her safe..I told her I did NOT make a key for the safe..we had previouse removed everything from the safe to put the stuff in the safe deposit box...She called me a cheat and that I've been cheating her since day 1..with that I hung up...I did contact my brother to advise I needed space to deal with my medical problems and the stress is not helping..Since this has begun, I've written her Dr 2 letters advising him of her agressive behavior and accusations. He only increased one of her meds..but now it's worse..She's made changes to her trust already and I'm probably completely out of it now which sucks because I've devoted the last 10 years to her instead of my husband and family...She's always come first..we've taken her on vacations ...she's always included in family gatherings and I would be there 5-6 days a week..cleaning her closets, paying her bills, taking her shopping, etc..It doesn't seem fair that I should be the one on the outs when my brother sees her every 4-6 months and calls every 2-3 weeks...I do have sister who hasn't seen my mother in 10 years and calls maybe every 5-6 months...no one has been there for her except me - while I do miss her...we were very close...talking for hours on the phone at night even after spending the day together..I feel more sick about our broken relationship than my current medical problem...My brother has to take over whether he likes it or not.he's probably laughing under his breath thinking he's now in control ...I don't know if I have any recourse since her attorney has agreed to make changes not knowing her mental state... ...
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When my dad died in 2007, it was the same thing. My mom was giving anyone who called on the phone, credit card & social security numbers. She prophetically accused my sister and myself for trying to take her life from her control. She convinced a family aquaintance that my sister and I were taking her to the cleaners and putting her away. She was actually correct. But we had no choice but to take everything out of her hands. She would have lost it all, maybe even killed someone else by her actions. She was still driving and getting lost regularly. She was cooking and forgetting things were on the stove. She was drinking a bottle of wine a day, by herself. She would forget that she had already had a glass or two or four. We were on the verge of an incompetency/gaurdianship legal action when a close family friend intervened with the aquaintance. Medications zoloft and abilify really do help with the aggressive, negative attitude. After many tears and agruments, she lives in a very nice ALF. She does complain, and although she loves the place and the people, she hates not being able to come and go as she pleases. It is amazing that she remembers that mantra, because unless I say, hi mama, she wouldn't recognize me sitting in the room. Your note says you are her PRIMARY CAREGIVER, you have already assumed the position. It's not easy, but unless the money and anything else that she owns is not needed to provide for her care (maybe you are financially able to provide whatever care she needs, independent from her assets), you must take total control. It won't be easy, but you will feel more guilty and resentful if something happens that you could/should have prevented. Protecting her financial health is as important as her biological health. If she had a fever of 102 would you let her convince you that she didn't need to go to a doctor? No, you would do whatever you needed to do to get her to a doctor. Distastful as it may feel, it is the same thing. At this time, my sister lives closer and has to deal with the majority of appointments and phone calls, so in my mom's warped sense, my sister is the evil one. THERE IS NO REASONING, CONVINCING or RATIONALIZING. When we all go together to my mom's psychiatrist, he asks my sister and I , why does it bother us so badly that she says these hateful things? He then asks us, do we not know that we are doing the best for her under these horrible circumstances? She is a thirteen year old in a 76 year old body. She is smart and manipulative, but she is incapable of making the crucial decisions on what is best for her and also what is detrimental to her well being. If your hope is to continue to be the primary caregiver, you should get some legal advice to protect her and yourself. Check on guardianship laws in your state. If your brother wants to cause you trouble, you may have to make other choices i.e let him try care giving for awhile.
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What does the Dr say about her mental state and her physical state combined with her opinion of you personally? I realize you are a family member however you know the funny thing about independence, It's like the candy at Halloween
when you give it up freely it is OK when it is snatched away from you the reaction is to take it back or if the child took too much do you see the analogy. Very simple but my Mother is doing the exact same thing
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Here's how to deal with accusations (besides covering your butt from any practical consequences): everything someone says carries useful information about the person saying it. Accusations are statements of fear. "You are going to commit me" means "I am afraid of having to be committed." "Someone is going through my things" means "I can't keep track of my things and it's freaking me out." "Nobody helps me" means "I feel so helpless". And so on. Make the translation and respond to that, not to the literal sense of what she says. It's hard to do but as they used to say in the 70s, it's "where it's at"!
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Try to redirect her, change the subject to something happy, or just flat out lie. I had to learn to do this with my parents. If you are concerned with the trust and think she was disabled at the time of the change in the trust, get an attorney to review. Usually only one family member ends up with the care, in my case, I am one of the three taking care of everything. You may need to be forceful with your brother.
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