Today Mom accused me of trying to commit her...

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As her primary caregiver, I take her to all appts, make appts, phone calls, etc..haven't seen her physically since Monday (getting over Shingles) she accused me of trying to commit her and accused me of going into her room when she's not there and rummage through her drawers..'what do you want from me',you already have everything of mine, already" This is what I was met with today...I was so flabbergasted, I tried to explain I don't go there when she's not there and I don't take her things... I had to leave ...I don't know what to do...I ws thinking of contacting the doctor to let him know what's happening..I've notified him before of her accusations and nasty behavior but all he did was up her diagnosis as to what could possible be wrong...My brother did visit yesterday after 6 months..they talk on the phone maybe every 2-3 weeks and that's, I'm there constantly, if needed and she calls me (or did) when there's problems Is this dementia? she's 98 1/2...she's made changes to her trust when I feel she shouldn't have because of her mental state...but the lawyer apparently made the changes anyway...


This very common and normal for Alz/dementia. Usually the person who caregiving is the target. I wish I could say it will get better, the truth is it will probably get worse until your mother progresses further into the Alz/Dementia. We have been going thru this same thing with our mother since Feb. of this year. It first started with accusations of committing her and stealing her money. Then it progressed to accusing my sis of coming in her house when mom was out and stealing financial files. Mom leaves notes in her kitchen, not addressed to anyone, telling "someone" to stay out of her files, to quit stealing them, and I don't thru your stuff so stay out of mine. She doesn't always recognize her own handwriting and will accuse my sister of writing the notes. Mom's dr. has been no help because mom won't take medication. If your mom's attorney is agreeing to make changes on her will, DPOA, Living Trust, I would question that too. I don't know what you can do about that but maybe someone else will have suggestions regarding that. As far as the accusations from your mom, I would set up a hidden camera in her room for your protection and in other areas of the house if necessary and just develop a thick skin. Easier said than done I know. I, personally am not concerned about my mother's accusation because 1) We don't live with her, 2) an investigation will show we have taken nothing from her including her money. Plus all the files she accused my sis of taking, mom found them in the trunk of her car when she cleaned out her car after losing driving privileges,Lol!! Mom accused sis of putting the files there too. Cover your butt...and go on as usual!! Hugs to you and all you are going thru!!!
Call the doctor and get her in for a thorough assessment. Try to get Durable Power of Attorney, if she's slipping.
Check for UTI,
I understand how you feel.

I used to get so upset when my 87 y/o mother, who lives at home and still drives, would accuse me of trying to "put her in a home nursing home" every time I tried to arrange for her to have a geriatric evaluation.

I tried to explain to her that a geriatric evaluation is used to help identify any hidden problems that would undermine her ability to remain independent, and would help offer up solutions to these problems.

I've tried to modify the house to make things easier for her, e.g., installing bathroom grab bars, florescent tape stripes on the stair, extra lighting, etc. but each change I've tried to make end up in an epic battle that I'm trying to control her.

To save my own sanity, I've decided to stop my proactive approach, and just shift into damage control mode.

I live 2-1/2 hours away from her, I used to visit her quite often, to look in on her, take her out to dinner, do some yard work, clean out the gutters, etc. But now, I check in by phone a couple of times a week and only visit when she needs to be taken to her cardiologist, or when something specific needs to be done with the house/yard.
Take care of yourself first, it's the only way you will be of any use to anyone else.
I'm really limiting my visits,
Try to redirect her, change the subject to something happy, or just flat out lie. I had to learn to do this with my parents. If you are concerned with the trust and think she was disabled at the time of the change in the trust, get an attorney to review. Usually only one family member ends up with the care, in my case, I am one of the three taking care of everything. You may need to be forceful with your brother.
Here's how to deal with accusations (besides covering your butt from any practical consequences): everything someone says carries useful information about the person saying it. Accusations are statements of fear. "You are going to commit me" means "I am afraid of having to be committed." "Someone is going through my things" means "I can't keep track of my things and it's freaking me out." "Nobody helps me" means "I feel so helpless". And so on. Make the translation and respond to that, not to the literal sense of what she says. It's hard to do but as they used to say in the 70s, it's "where it's at"!
What does the Dr say about her mental state and her physical state combined with her opinion of you personally? I realize you are a family member however you know the funny thing about independence, It's like the candy at Halloween
when you give it up freely it is OK when it is snatched away from you the reaction is to take it back or if the child took too much do you see the analogy. Very simple but my Mother is doing the exact same thing
When my dad died in 2007, it was the same thing. My mom was giving anyone who called on the phone, credit card & social security numbers. She prophetically accused my sister and myself for trying to take her life from her control. She convinced a family aquaintance that my sister and I were taking her to the cleaners and putting her away. She was actually correct. But we had no choice but to take everything out of her hands. She would have lost it all, maybe even killed someone else by her actions. She was still driving and getting lost regularly. She was cooking and forgetting things were on the stove. She was drinking a bottle of wine a day, by herself. She would forget that she had already had a glass or two or four. We were on the verge of an incompetency/gaurdianship legal action when a close family friend intervened with the aquaintance. Medications zoloft and abilify really do help with the aggressive, negative attitude. After many tears and agruments, she lives in a very nice ALF. She does complain, and although she loves the place and the people, she hates not being able to come and go as she pleases. It is amazing that she remembers that mantra, because unless I say, hi mama, she wouldn't recognize me sitting in the room. Your note says you are her PRIMARY CAREGIVER, you have already assumed the position. It's not easy, but unless the money and anything else that she owns is not needed to provide for her care (maybe you are financially able to provide whatever care she needs, independent from her assets), you must take total control. It won't be easy, but you will feel more guilty and resentful if something happens that you could/should have prevented. Protecting her financial health is as important as her biological health. If she had a fever of 102 would you let her convince you that she didn't need to go to a doctor? No, you would do whatever you needed to do to get her to a doctor. Distastful as it may feel, it is the same thing. At this time, my sister lives closer and has to deal with the majority of appointments and phone calls, so in my mom's warped sense, my sister is the evil one. THERE IS NO REASONING, CONVINCING or RATIONALIZING. When we all go together to my mom's psychiatrist, he asks my sister and I , why does it bother us so badly that she says these hateful things? He then asks us, do we not know that we are doing the best for her under these horrible circumstances? She is a thirteen year old in a 76 year old body. She is smart and manipulative, but she is incapable of making the crucial decisions on what is best for her and also what is detrimental to her well being. If your hope is to continue to be the primary caregiver, you should get some legal advice to protect her and yourself. Check on guardianship laws in your state. If your brother wants to cause you trouble, you may have to make other choices i.e let him try care giving for awhile.
Thank you all for some very valid suggestions..Mom's mental state has been going downhill for about 2 years now..first it was accusing me of stealing her home from her when we actually purchased it.40 years ago..took a whole day at the courthouse to locate the papers..As of last Monday (a week ago) I took her to the doctor to check on the Shingles she's getting over..then to the bank to put stuff in the safe deposit box.she told me to make sure we see "Henry"..kept reminding me to see Henry...when we were through with the 'box' I requested Henry and when Henry showed up she said...No, I said Jorge...(I wanted to melt into the wall)..Anyway, Tuesday, Wednesday came and went I did not see her but called and spoke briefly to problems (less food on her plate, things missing, etc) Called her Thursday on my way out...and the absent brother answered the phone and then she got on...I said I see you have company so I won't keep you..just wanted to let you know you have a Dr appt on Nov 1st for a flu shot..we hung up..Friday, I went to see her and was hit with "What do you want from me? You already have everything of mine..You want to have me commited, don't you?" Why were you in my room yesterday while I was out going through my drawers? I tried to explain I was not there (((I do have a key to her room so she doesn't have to prop open the door for me))) I spent the day at the mall then had lunch with my husband.. I did return the key to her hoping it would ease did I left..I might add Friday, I didn't get such good news frm my doctor so I went to Mom's with much stress/depression already.Saturday and Sunday no contact..I did contact my brother to ask what was said when he was there...She told him I was there all week putting cream on her Shingles...(I was there Monday only) of course he didn't notice anything unusual (you wouldn't when you visit every 4-6 months..)
The man at the bank called me to advise he needs to see Mom..(all have my contact information for Mom)..I then called Mom to advise her the man at the bank needs to see you..She asked me for the key I had made for her safe..I told her I did NOT make a key for the safe..we had previouse removed everything from the safe to put the stuff in the safe deposit box...She called me a cheat and that I've been cheating her since day 1..with that I hung up...I did contact my brother to advise I needed space to deal with my medical problems and the stress is not helping..Since this has begun, I've written her Dr 2 letters advising him of her agressive behavior and accusations. He only increased one of her meds..but now it's worse..She's made changes to her trust already and I'm probably completely out of it now which sucks because I've devoted the last 10 years to her instead of my husband and family...She's always come first..we've taken her on vacations ...she's always included in family gatherings and I would be there 5-6 days a her closets, paying her bills, taking her shopping, etc..It doesn't seem fair that I should be the one on the outs when my brother sees her every 4-6 months and calls every 2-3 weeks...I do have sister who hasn't seen my mother in 10 years and calls maybe every 5-6 one has been there for her except me - while I do miss her...we were very close...talking for hours on the phone at night even after spending the day together..I feel more sick about our broken relationship than my current medical problem...My brother has to take over whether he likes it or not.he's probably laughing under his breath thinking he's now in control ...I don't know if I have any recourse since her attorney has agreed to make changes not knowing her mental state... ...
These comments are incredibly helpful and also comforting. I'm watching my dad decline with each passing week. Now he hardly goes out at all, though he was the one who, until fairly recently, used to constantly want to be out and about, enjoying himself. I don't know what my Mom will do when Dad passes. She sounds as if she wants to remain independent for as long as possible but we may have to move her out of their home, which she will probably hate. Such tough decisions! Along with my dear parents, I do treasure the elderly as a group. In fact, I am just now launching a non-medical companion agency in southwest Florida. I am staffing it with the most loving and helpful people I can find.

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